Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 958501

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It's really over and miss my t so much :-(

Posted by healingmysoul on August 13, 2010, at 20:39:50

I was really upset with my therapist early in the week. He told me that i could call if I needed him during his 3 1/2 out of the office. He had a personal matter and than went on vacation. I haven't been doing well. Upset that he says he will be here for me and than leaves... Anyway he ignored my email so i did a termination email and I got a very formal and angry email. I miss him so much and just don't understand why he took me back two years ago, and continues not to give me the support i need. I feel like i am owed an apology at the least or something!!! i want to talk to him sooooo bad. :-((((((

 

Re: It's really over and miss my t so much :-(

Posted by emmanuel98 on August 13, 2010, at 22:00:18

In reply to It's really over and miss my t so much :-(, posted by healingmysoul on August 13, 2010, at 20:39:50

Well a lot of T's, with good reason, don't want to coddle or baby their clients. They want to treat them as adults who have agency over their own lives, are capable of making their own decisions. They want to try and work with the healthy, competent parts of our personalities to strengthen those parts, rather than with the immature, childish or psychotic parts of our personalities.

So you sent your T a termination email. How is he supposed to respond. Does he take you seriously and say, fine, if that's what you, as an adult, want, that's what we'll do. Or does he treat is as a manipulative, childish, angry and retaliatory email that makes him angry and feel manipulated.

 

Re: It's really over and miss my t so much :-( emmanuel98

Posted by obsidian on August 15, 2010, at 10:46:41

In reply to Re: It's really over and miss my t so much :-(, posted by emmanuel98 on August 13, 2010, at 22:00:18

> Well a lot of T's, with good reason, don't want to coddle or baby their clients. They want to treat them as adults who have agency over their own lives, are capable of making their own decisions. They want to try and work with the healthy, competent parts of our personalities to strengthen those parts, rather than with the immature, childish or psychotic parts of our personalities.
>
> So you sent your T a termination email. How is he supposed to respond. Does he take you seriously and say, fine, if that's what you, as an adult, want, that's what we'll do. Or does he treat is as a manipulative, childish, angry and retaliatory email that makes him angry and feel manipulated.

Somewhere in between I hope, maybe with some of the clarification you've given.
I imagine he recognizes it as something out of anger and retaliation, but has to treat it as an adult communication since that's who it is coming from. It forces another way to communicate I suppose.

 

Re: It's really over and miss my t so much :-( healingmysoul

Posted by obsidian on August 15, 2010, at 11:03:31

In reply to It's really over and miss my t so much :-(, posted by healingmysoul on August 13, 2010, at 20:39:50

You know, one of the reasons I really hesitate to contact my T, even though he says I can, is that I wonder how it is that he could be "there" for me when I need it, all the time.

It's a bit of grieving I guess, when they go away, for what we really can't count on totally, for being "abandoned".
There's the anger in it too.

..and then I am afraid that he will get angry at me for asking for more than I know can be, someone there for you all the time.

So, I think I will exhaust him, and he'll shut the door. I know that when I've needed it early on, someone there when I was really upset, that they weren't there, even angrily rejecting, and so I expect it still.

and so I really pray that he has some distance from it, can handle the neediness of it, without retaliation.

I'm better at intellectualizing it, horrible at the feelings of it.

Anyway...my point, I guess, I know I had one ;-)
is that I hope you can talk to T again, maybe send him an email about the feelings behind the termination email? I hope he can respond in some way, eventually.


 

Re: It's really over and miss my t so much :-( healingmysoul

Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2010, at 12:02:05

In reply to It's really over and miss my t so much :-(, posted by healingmysoul on August 13, 2010, at 20:39:50

I always regret it when I try to communicate my feelings through termination, even though I mean it at the time. Of course, I rarely really mean it, precisely. I mean something more like "If you don't care then it's really stupid of me to come and see you." And what I want is "Of course I care." But... life and reality being what it is, what I get is "So this will be your last appointment?"

Sometimes a bit more, but really what can they do? If they beg you to stay, they're likely violating all sorts of principles. Therapists aren't supposed to try to keep clients in therapy against their will, or keep clients dependent on them.

I've done something similar just recently. And while it felt at that moment that I had no choice, because he just wasn't hearing what I was trying to say, I realized later that it really wasn't the best method of communication either. And chances were, he wasn't going to hear what I was trying to say if I did that either.

Do you really wish to terminate? Or do you feel there are no alternatives to express your feelings to him? Or something else? Is it still in your control? Do you think he'd be open to continuing the conversation? Or was his termination letter in reply a permanent decision?

 

Re: It's really over and miss my t so much :-( emmanuel98

Posted by Dinah on August 15, 2010, at 12:11:16

In reply to Re: It's really over and miss my t so much :-(, posted by emmanuel98 on August 13, 2010, at 22:00:18

I don't think it needs to be coddling to recognize that a client is trying to communicate something in the best way they know how.

While I admit they have little choice in accepting a client's termination request, I think the best of therapists use the experience to model more mature ways of responding. And helping the client see that the way they are trying to convey their feelings is not the best way for the recipient to receive them.

Clients, like therapists, ideally do their best. The best of therapists is ideally more healthy than that of clients, or why would they be clients?

I think it's possible to respond maturely, while still being caring.

I think my therapist did an ideal job of that this last time. He accepted my canceling of sessions (not quite a termination). But he also recognized that I was angry and frustrated, and that he hadn't responded to what I was saying in the previous session. He did it all with a sense of humor that left me not too embarrassed, and gave us a chance to talk about it.

My therapist isn't always wonderful, but he can be pretty terrific at times like that, while not being a bit babying or coddling. He says everything he knows about terminations, he learned from me. :D

 

Re: It's really over and miss my t so much :-(

Posted by healingmysoul on August 15, 2010, at 21:50:34

In reply to Re: It's really over and miss my t so much :-( healingmysoul, posted by obsidian on August 15, 2010, at 11:03:31

I have come to terms that my t doesn't want me like this. My t teaches at the graduate level, and he offered for me to take an undergrad class he taught. I learned a lot about my t, and think he learned a lot about me.

I have had a lot happen since that class. I feel like I failed him, and I'm a project that went bad. I feel so much like a project that went bad. I brought this up during another episode very similar and he got very defensive. I'm just tired of him wanted to be there on his terms. The times I really need him he isn't available. It makes me feel like I did something wrong... When he is available, he gives so much support, and when I am at my worse, I feel like therapy is such a waste because he backes away when i have my PTSD symptoms.

 

Re: It's really over and miss my t so much :-(

Posted by healingmysoul on August 15, 2010, at 22:12:24

In reply to Re: It's really over and miss my t so much :-(, posted by emmanuel98 on August 13, 2010, at 22:00:18

I know my t respects me, and things very high of me and the things I have done and how I didn't let a lot of child abuse/neglect shape who I am.

He has said on more than one occasion I'm his favorite client and has even commented on our connection.

I think there is more than he wants to tell me at this point...


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