Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 955136

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I'm not sure I like superlatives

Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2010, at 13:08:30

My therapist today said that the situation with my mother was impossible. That it was the most difficult situation he's ever heard of in his years as a therapist. He even briefly contemplated another bad situation before deciding that my situation was even worse.

I think I teared up for a moment at the validation. But then I started feeling even more helpless and hopeless than I had before. If possible.

 

Re: I'm not sure I like superlatives Dinah

Posted by fayeroe on July 20, 2010, at 15:59:18

In reply to I'm not sure I like superlatives, posted by Dinah on July 20, 2010, at 13:08:30

> My therapist today said that the situation with my mother was impossible. That it was the most difficult situation he's ever heard of in his years as a therapist. He even briefly contemplated another bad situation before deciding that my situation was even worse.
>
> I think I teared up for a moment at the validation. But then I started feeling even more helpless and hopeless than I had before. If possible.

Dinah, my mother died in 1999. My T and I recently started working on how my issues with her still affect me. I went to a Pdoc for 5 years when I was in my 30s and it took that long for me to decide to not spend nights at her house when I visited.
Mother work is really, really hard and I pray that my daughters don't have to do as much as I've done....I try...

 

Re: I'm not sure I like superlatives fayeroe

Posted by Dinah on July 20, 2010, at 19:18:45

In reply to Re: I'm not sure I like superlatives Dinah, posted by fayeroe on July 20, 2010, at 15:59:18

To be fair to my mother, I would never call her abusive. My problems with her are purely financial and trying to keep a house over her head, because as God as my witness she's not living with me.

When he said that it was the worst situation he's ever seen, he was only talking about that aspect.

She's a bit... well, my therapist says "insane" but I don't know if he meant that in a clinical sense. Certainly she's got political views that are... extreme. It's almost impossible to talk to her sometimes, and I've had to make firm boundaries on what are and aren't ok topics of conversation if she wants me to stay.

But if it weren't for the fact that I worry about what's going to happen to her, and feel responsible, I would be able to handle the rest. It's just that every time I look at her I see a millstone of at least a ton that will pull me down and grind me to dust.

She's never really done anything to tear up her parent card. She loves me in her own way. If I could walk away and not give a d*mn, it would be a lot easier.

I know what you mean about our kids. I told my son that if I ever turn into my mother, he has my permission to abandon me. He said "ok" with perfect composure. :)

 

Re: I'm not sure I like superlatives

Posted by fayeroe on July 20, 2010, at 20:08:33

In reply to Re: I'm not sure I like superlatives fayeroe, posted by Dinah on July 20, 2010, at 19:18:45

> To be fair to my mother, I would never call her abusive. My problems with her are purely financial and trying to keep a house over her head, because as God as my witness she's not living with me.

My mother was passive-aggressive in the sweetest of ways . "Do you like your hair that way?" "Did you forget to change?" And those are the least abusive of her repertoire. Any answer was the wrong one. As I grew older and became an adult, she really got down and dirty. I was visiting her in a hospital (hip surgery) and when I went to leave I told her that I had a doctor's appointment. She said (loudly) "do you have a venereal disease?"......and on and on up until she had the strokes and couldn't talk. Her mind was very sharp. She was just mean.
>
> When he said that it was the worst situation he's ever seen, he was only talking about that aspect.

I understand.
>
> She's a bit... well, my therapist says "insane" but I don't know if he meant that in a clinical sense. Certainly she's got political views that are... extreme. It's almost impossible to talk to her sometimes, and I've had to make firm boundaries on what are and aren't ok topics of conversation if she wants me to stay.

I had to put boundaries up also because we had opposing views on issues that we important to me and she knew how to stick the knife in. I was appointed to be on the board of directors of Planned Parenthood in OKC and I heard about that for the entire 5 years I served.
>
> But if it weren't for the fact that I worry about what's going to happen to her, and feel responsible, I would be able to handle the rest. It's just that every time I look at her I see a millstone of at least a ton that will pull me down and grind me to dust.

I have sisters and we all cared for my parents. I can understand how it hard it is to feel responsible for her by yourself and worry about it a lot. You can't be ground to dust. Please don't think that. I used to leave my mother's house feeling lower than anything. We can't think like that.
>
> She's never really done anything to tear up her parent card. She loves me in her own way. If I could walk away and not give a d*mn, it would be a lot easier.

As far as I know, my mother never told me she loved me. My dad did. He started telling me when I told him. He was in his 80s. I would tell my mother and she would give me the harshest look. I quit telling her. Our family didn't hug or touch. I got it started when I married and moved away. I can tell that some of them are still very uncomfortable with it. Makes me wonder how they managed to have children.
>
> I know what you mean about our kids. I told my son that if I ever turn into my mother, he has my permission to abandon me. He said "ok" with perfect composure. :)

I've told mine to leave me at the ranch with food, water and several pets and one good gun to scare help away........:-)

 

Re: I'm not sure I like superlatives fayeroe

Posted by Dinah on July 21, 2010, at 11:52:20

In reply to Re: I'm not sure I like superlatives, posted by fayeroe on July 20, 2010, at 20:08:33

Now you see, my mother is nothing like that. She probably bad mouths me from time to time behind my back, but I can hardly complain about that, can I? :)

She's always been supportive of me, and my goals. She's nothing but pleasant towards me. Nothing but pleasant as long as I don't cross her will I should say. Or introduce the pesky concept of reality to her "Harold and the Purple Crayon" world. Then she admits to me (with regard to others of course, not me) that she uses rages and tantrums to get her way. But she always apologizes later. Still, I'm frankly terrified of her even if she hardly ever raised a hand to me.

It's hard for me to reconcile the woman who loves children, and was a wonderful teacher, with this woman. Every value I have, she taught me. I inherited a lot from my dad, but the basis of who I am came from her. I'm not saying she wasn't this way before of course. Certainly it's gotten worse with age. But it was better when Daddy was around.

I'm pretty sure that when I'm too old to have dogs, I want to die. To me that would be the worst part of getting older and losing my independence.

Which has to be scary to anyone, much less someone like my mother. Who has never been less than independent (even to people like soon to be former bosses) in her life.

I hate to feel this way about her. And maybe it would be better for all concerned if I just quit feeling responsible for her and quit worrying about her future. She'll land on her feet like a cat no matter what, while I fret and worry. But my father sort of left her to me. I don't want to let him down.

 

Re: I'm not sure I like superlatives fayeroe

Posted by Dinah on July 22, 2010, at 17:01:30

In reply to Re: I'm not sure I like superlatives, posted by fayeroe on July 20, 2010, at 20:08:33

I told my therapist that he seems to have pulled off one of his famous "big moments". Between what he said and what I've written here, my viewpoint has changed completely. I see how wrong it is to try to be my mother's parent. Neither of us like that. I think I may be ready to let her be a grownup in the real world and suffer the consequences of what choices she makes.

I also told him I wish he was as extraordinary at the little moments as he is with the big.

 

Re: I'm not sure I like superlatives..Fantastic!! (nm) Dinah

Posted by fayeroe on July 22, 2010, at 17:46:52

In reply to Re: I'm not sure I like superlatives fayeroe, posted by Dinah on July 22, 2010, at 17:01:30


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