Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 954388

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I can't tell you yet.....

Posted by obsidian on July 13, 2010, at 19:58:58

about how hard things have been
I guess I did, just a heads up,
and a "know that I can handle it, it'll be ok".
while not feeling like that so much, that I can handle it

you see she said to me in words and gestures
you will get nothing from me
you will never be happy
I don't know if I will forget you or not,
but I don't want to remember you right now
you are trying to hurt me
I wanted to leave, first time in the morning on an airplane, to get away from you faster.

"ok, ok I said, it's alright, really."
"....everything's always alright with you", she snarled.
(silence)
"I want to go home." (as she looks out the window)
"I want to go home."

"....so, it's been really hot around here lately...", I say to the other two people at the table
banter, banter

My sister sits there, and she hugs her and says "see, this is what you do. you get angry, get really silent, and start throwing jabs at everyone, and nobody ever knows what they've done"

"I understand you're angry with me." (while I'm thinking...'but are torturing me')
which she denies...she's just "disappointed".
I don't know what that means.

with my brother:
"was that real?" I ask
"was that normal?" I ask
"how can she do that?" I ask
"she's really just trying to hurt me...."
"yeah", comes the answer from the other end of the phone

previous day:

so, I stand there at the graveside
I was just in time to see the burial.
I had made the mistake of looking down, at the gravestone of my grandfather, next to whom she would be placed, and it hit me hard that he had been a good and gentle man.

and so I couldn't keep from crying, and my sister held me and said "I know".

Different people took shovels of dirt and put it onto the box. "See you later", my sister said. "We love you", said my brother. They hugged each other crying.

My brother came over, looking so sad, but keeping a grim smile, and I hugged him tight, and I said "I'm sorry".

and I feel so alone, too late in the story to be a main character, because I did not know her, and I don't remember much, but the things I remember are not good. I can remember some good things though.

so after that in a stranger's house (to whom I am some distant relative) I bided time while they did the picture thing, and ate and talked, but no one wanted to stay for very long.

One has to wonder why I even went. It's a good question. I wanted to see my family, meaning my mother, neices and siblings. It probably was a bad thing to do.

distance between the stars...that's from some poem,
right next to each other, but so incredibly far apart

pdoc asked me if I thought I was depressed. I said, "yeah, I am a little. It'll be ok though."
I think he knows that it hurts.

"It's ok." I've said a number of times in the past few days.

I can't tell you yet.


 

holes

Posted by obsidian on July 13, 2010, at 20:11:21

In reply to I can't tell you yet....., posted by obsidian on July 13, 2010, at 19:58:58

Holes
Strangest of gaps
their goneness --
mother, father, loved friends

the black holes
of the astronomer
are not more mysterious

this kind of hole
will not be filled
with candle flames
or even a thousand thoughts

the hole is inside us
it brims over
is empty and full at once
-Lillian Morrison from This Place I Know: Poems of Comfort, ed. by Georgia Heard

 

Re: I can't tell you yet..... obsidian

Posted by violette on July 14, 2010, at 14:55:55

In reply to I can't tell you yet....., posted by obsidian on July 13, 2010, at 19:58:58

"you see she said to me in words and gestures
you will get nothing from me
you will never be happy"

Are you talking about your mom?

"I can't tell you yet"

Is this you talking to your inner child?

I am very sorry to hear about your Grandfather.

Just don't know what to say now but to let you know it is sad to hear you are feeling so badly, and that if you want to talk, I can listen. If you want to talk, I can hang around here.

:(

 

Re: I can't tell you yet..... violette

Posted by obsidian on July 14, 2010, at 22:54:51

In reply to Re: I can't tell you yet..... obsidian, posted by violette on July 14, 2010, at 14:55:55

> "you see she said to me in words and gestures
> you will get nothing from me
> you will never be happy"
>
> Are you talking about your mom?

yeah, that's her

> "I can't tell you yet"

it might be my inner child (or rather the part that trusts him) telling my T
because he's away I can't tell him
and it feels a bit overwhelming

> Is this you talking to your inner child?
>
> I am very sorry to hear about your Grandfather.

It was my grandmother, but I saw the gravestone of my grandfather for the first time as well.

> Just don't know what to say now but to let you know it is sad to hear you are feeling so badly, and that if you want to talk, I can listen. If you want to talk, I can hang around here.
>
> :(

thanks, I'm going to be alright, I'll crash a little first, but I'll be ok. I'm a little less than functional though, I must admit.
I'll have some time to crash soon, another week to get through first. geez....

 

Re: double double quotes obsidian

Posted by Dr. Bob on July 15, 2010, at 9:50:19

In reply to holes, posted by obsidian on July 13, 2010, at 20:11:21

> Holes
>
> -Lillian Morrison from This Place I Know: Poems of Comfort, ed. by Georgia Heard

I'd just like to plug the double double quotes feature at this site:

http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#amazon

The first time anyone refers to a book, a movie, or music without using this option, I post this to try to make sure he or she at least knows about it. It's just an option, though.

Thanks!

Bob

PS: Thanks for posting that poem. I'm glad you can tell us how hard it's been.

 

Re: I can't tell you yet.....

Posted by violette on July 15, 2010, at 19:01:28

In reply to Re: I can't tell you yet..... violette, posted by obsidian on July 14, 2010, at 22:54:51

Hey Sid, I'm glad to hear you are getting better. So one more week until you can talk with T? I know that feeling...those stretches in between appointments seem so looooong.

Your Mom might not change at this point, but at least you can change and grow and find inner peace.

 

Re: I can't tell you yet..... violette

Posted by obsidian on July 15, 2010, at 22:12:43

In reply to Re: I can't tell you yet....., posted by violette on July 15, 2010, at 19:01:28

It's also another week before I can take time off from working..

I made some art today, kind of funky.
what I really should do is get some freaking sleep
I haven't slept like a "normal" person for a while now.
I might have to seroquel myself down, but not tonight. I hate seroquel...it sucks big time, but good to have on hand I suppose.

thanks violette :-)

 

Re: I can't tell you yet.....

Posted by violette on July 15, 2010, at 22:48:11

In reply to Re: I can't tell you yet..... violette, posted by obsidian on July 15, 2010, at 22:12:43

How about a painting of yourself as a beautiful butterfly?

Sweet dreams to you :)

 

Re: I can't tell you yet..... violette

Posted by obsidian on July 16, 2010, at 22:54:33

In reply to Re: I can't tell you yet....., posted by violette on July 15, 2010, at 22:48:11

right now it's a tiny little person overshadowed by a great big world, sitting, folded inward...with a big "GONE" floating on the page
with tornado kind of twists all around
that just blend into smoke

butterflies are fairly brittle creatures,
I think I'd like to be a gargoyle right now

 

Re: I can't tell you yet.....

Posted by violette on July 17, 2010, at 18:40:48

In reply to Re: I can't tell you yet..... violette, posted by obsidian on July 16, 2010, at 22:54:33

Sid, i guess I was seeing you more as a butterfly coming out of a cocoon of depression-flying away free and eventually, far away from the cocoon shell...since butterflies are fragile..I guess it could feel like the butterfly can be swept away by the tornado right now. A gargoyle could better withstand a tornado, for sure. :)

 

I am so sad right now.....

Posted by obsidian on July 18, 2010, at 13:01:29

In reply to Re: I can't tell you yet....., posted by violette on July 17, 2010, at 18:40:48

but at least I got a decent amount of sleep
my judgment has gone to hell
on account of me not giving a f*ck
but this too will pass...


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