Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 951034

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terminated with T and unravelling

Posted by deerock on June 14, 2010, at 14:25:22

hi everyone,

about 1 month ago i terminated with my T. it was a rocky termination. she didnt expect it.

since i left, i resumed smoking pot which i had stopped 6 months ago. i had stopped for 18 months and started again and stopped for 6 months twice. i started back up about 2 weeks after terminating with her. i go to AA for the pot. im a little concerned about my pot use. more than a little actually. once i do it i do it all the time. i get obsessed.

i texted my T to tell her wahts going on. we made an appt for next week.

im not sure what to make of all this. i dont even want to stop smoking pot but i know its majorly destructive. i hope i dont smoke myself into having no life and missing out on getting better.


Re: terminated with T and unravelling deerock

Posted by violette on June 14, 2010, at 19:32:41

In reply to terminated with T and unravelling, posted by deerock on June 14, 2010, at 14:25:22

You said you were with T for about 3 years? It sounds as if you had made so much progress getting in touch with your emotions, your motivations-your inner psyche.

It can be very scary when we unravel our defenses and distortions about how we view ourselves and others, things which our parents taught us both directly and indirectly-and start to reveal our vulnerable inner child, our true selves to someone understanding and caring, who will not react as our parents did-our T.

Some of us are taught by our parents that it is wrong to have needs-pushed away, some of us are treated as if we are an extension of our parents, teaching us that we are to be invisible, so we retract into a shell-our only purpose to feed our parents/meet others emotional needs. Still, other caregivers are antagonising or sadistic-inviting anger or extreme emotional reactions and that is the only way we experienced closeness with them... There are so many reasons, but fear always seems to come to mind when I think of such scenerios. When we spend our development years behaving and adapting in ways required for our survival as children, it is scary to experience relationships in ways we are not accustomed to.

Sort of like if you were dropped off in the middle of say, Mongolia, alone, and expected to feel at ease. Wouldn't you get anxious and want to run back to states, where everything felt familiar?

Since you are asking for opinions, I think its a fear of intimacy and you have some unfinished business to work out with your T. You developed trust and started to really open up. Letting yourself become vulnerable to someone can provoke feelings of wanting to 'flee'...But at the same time, you want to get closer-that is only natural, its built within us.

It is, however, sometimes a paradox-afraid to depend on someone and at the same time, having the need. The same scenerio many of us experienced while growing up. The pot is numbing your emotions; you are using it to self soothe.

I'm glad to hear you are meeting with your T and I am confident you will figure it all out. You seem confused, no doubt, but I think that deep down inside, you are very motivated and tenacious, becoming quite psychologically minded.



Re: terminated with T and unravelling

Posted by brokenpuppet on June 14, 2010, at 19:39:19

In reply to terminated with T and unravelling, posted by deerock on June 14, 2010, at 14:25:22

hi deerock,
i'm not sure what to say to help.
what i got from your post (my interpretation) is that you seem conflicted. maybe a part of you wasn't ready to terminate with your T and that part is rebelling now. i say this because these inner conflicts are what's been happening for me since I decided I was going to terminate (which for me has been a long process, i keep asking for new sessions and only recently have finally decided on the final session date... which makes me feel - i wish i could write this in very small print - ashamed and desperate, like i can't let her go). but i think this is the best for me, i had to look at all the parts of my self and what they needed and reach a sort of compromise (very hard), and in the end some parts got a better deal than others...

i guess what i'm trying to say is that termination is a very hard thing, maybe you needed more time to process it, and that shouldn't take away from your braveness to face it in the first place! whether you're ready now, or in 3 weeks or in 2 years that's totally up to you.

this is a quote from an article: 'the termination phase of therapy, once explicitly or implicitly entered into, might last for as much as half the entire treatment time' ( you might or might not find the whole article useful, but that quote is something i hung on to as it helped me take my time and try to be at peace with it.

I know that i'm not yet where you are, i haven't left therapy YET, so what i wrote might not be helpful to you. i will probably have my falling apart moments too, i don't know what will happen - yet.

i hope your T can help you with termination or whatever you decide to do. and look after the little rebel in you..!


Re: terminated with T and unravelling violette

Posted by deerock on June 15, 2010, at 10:53:37

In reply to Re: terminated with T and unravelling deerock, posted by violette on June 14, 2010, at 19:32:41

hi violette, i think you are picking up on some valid points. i do believe there is some unfinished business with my T.

however, my concern is the same now as it was when i was in therapy with her. one of the things that lead me to terminate with her has to do with a consult i recieved from another therapist. both this other therapist and myself have the same concerns around me being in psychoanalysis with my current T.

the concern is that i will uncover insights and truths about myself and my life and while i am waiting for these insights to help me change, i will keep making the same mistakes and not taking care of myself all the while, waiting for the therapy to work. and while i have waited 3+ years for it to work and have made many decisions while in therapy that were not helpful to me, the therapy never started to work in the sense that i made different choices. the person i saw for a consult told me that i am better off taking control of my own life, having a CBT therapist and go back to that T for analysis once i have my life together.

the problem and the reason i feel hopeless is because i cant get my life together on my own and therapy with that T was not helping me get my life together, it was only giving me insight which didnt make much of a difference.

so im not sure that going back to finish whatever business we started is going to help. im certainly not against it, id be willing to do anything but it feels like its not the answer.


Re: terminated with T and unravelling brokenpuppet

Posted by deerock on June 15, 2010, at 10:58:21

In reply to Re: terminated with T and unravelling, posted by brokenpuppet on June 14, 2010, at 19:39:19

that was such a sweet post. thank you.
yeah. the little rebel is running wild right now.

i read that article. its interesting. i wonder if i i will end up working with her again. we will see how things go after the monday session.

thanks so much. ill keep yall posted.


Re: terminated with T and unravelling deerock

Posted by violette on June 15, 2010, at 15:22:53

In reply to Re: terminated with T and unravelling violette, posted by deerock on June 15, 2010, at 10:53:37

Hi Deerock,

Yes-thanks for reminding me of your dilemma-now I recall your other post about therapy not "working". I can see why you are frustrated. Unfortunately, it often takes longer than 3 years...It takes a decade or 2 to develop the issues, naturally it can take a few years to find relief.

I think its wise you are exploring other therapies. If CBT doesn't work out, you could try DBT (some people swear by it), or even psychodynamic therapy, which is alot like analysis, but usually once per week. I've been in psychodynamic therapy for less than a year, but its been more helpful than 5 (intermittent over a decade) years of CBT. I think finding the right match for a T makes a huge difference too. Gender issues could affect your progress as well. I know I'm not the only one (I don't feel safe with female authority figures). My previous Ts were females because I had SA issues and thought it would be safer. I was wrong....

Aside: here's a funny that reminds me of my CBT experience:

Sometimes I wonder if CBT doesn't work for people who use intellectualizing and rationalizing to deal with inner pain, rather than those who use substances or other means? I've been doing that as since I was a child, and CBT reinforced that in me-it made me worse! It kept me from processing emotions and they continued to build inside. Maybe that is why it did not work well for me. It seems to help alot of other people--I hope you are one of them!

One of the major differences between CBT and psychoanalytically based therapies, I believe, is that PA is more about the relationship between you and your therapist and of course the transference. I have a childhood attachment issue from childhood neglect (among other things), so perhaps that's why PD therapy is more helpful for me? I'm also lucky to have found my T; only when I found him did I realize the others were not good matches for me for various reasons.

Maybe you could also consider a new psychoanalyst if your plan doesn't turn out as expected. I think anyone who feels therapy isn't working should try different Ts, orientations, and genders. Finding the right therapy/therapist is like medications-trial and error. Well all I can tell you is based upon my own experiences and knowing of some others. FYI, some researchers say that the relationship between you and T is more important than the Ts orientation (but I'm not so confident with mental health research because of the DSM issues).

I bet your previous T will help you derive your own conclusion rather than the new T who is providing advice to you. Take your time. Take 2 sessions if need be...I am sure you will trust yourself in making the right choice. Best of luck to you! :)


Re: terminated with T and unravelling deerock

Posted by Dinah on June 15, 2010, at 16:24:54

In reply to terminated with T and unravelling, posted by deerock on June 14, 2010, at 14:25:22

What do you think of the timing? Do you think it's connected? Do you think that she provided something that you are trying to replace?

Or that your anxiety level just rose and this is your response to it?

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