Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 942586

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Cycling down and I need my T

Posted by TherapyGirl on April 7, 2010, at 2:40:59

Not just any T, but my T who knows me, foibles and all, and can almost always get me to a better place when it feels like the world is beating me up.

The last two weeks at work have been incredibly stressful, without much support. We had a major 2-day meeting event, during which my co-workers completely abandoned me to "socialize." Which is great except our staff is not large enough to allow for that. So yesterday we had a "debrief" about the meeting, which was a basic beat up on me session. And I'm just not up for it. I gave specific examples of help I had asked for and either didn't receive or received very grudgingly, as well as all the things I alone was responsible for (logistics, catering (including food cleanup), registration, hotel check-in, ALL of the A/V and presenting a session myself) and yet somehow I was slammed for being stressed out.

I just don't get how a response to having a co-worker stressed out is to beat up on them. And, of course, being me, now I can't sleep because I keep replaying all of the things one co-worker yelled at me during the meeting. This is the same co-worker/friend who abandoned me during my crisis last year and said, "Mental illness is no excuse for bad behavior."

I'm really just done. Not with life (yet), but with putting my heart and soul in my work and not getting any positive feedback at all for it. This meeting turned out to be the best one we've ever done, per the evaluations and the budget, and largely due to my efforts. But it's not worth the toll it took on me emotionally or physically.

When I talked about the physical toll alone, my co-worker and former friend rolled her eyes and made a sound that clearly expressed her derision.

I feel completely undervalued and underappreciated and I want my T. Now. But instead I'm left with just me, not sleeping on a night when I took extra blood pressure meds and Xanax, hoping to get my physical response under control.

Needless to say I called in sick for tomorrow. And I'm looking for a new job.

But I want my T back.


Re: Cycling down and I need my T

Posted by Annierose on April 7, 2010, at 6:46:56

In reply to Cycling down and I need my T, posted by TherapyGirl on April 7, 2010, at 2:40:59

These are the kind of moments when we realize how much support wer receive from our therapists. When the world around us feels like we need somewhere to decompress, often our therapist office is a safe refuge to refuel.

You are valuable and obviously your company should recognize and reward you for your hard work. Looking for a new job is tough but good for you for beginning the process. It's always easier looking for a new job while employed than not (especially today).

From what you wrote, it sounds as if the one co-worker that used to be your friend, is the ring-leader of bad behavior. She purposely wants you to feel bad and left out. And that has to do with her and her mental issues. Shame on her.


Re: Cycling down and I need my T TherapyGirl

Posted by Dinah on April 7, 2010, at 7:15:05

In reply to Cycling down and I need my T, posted by TherapyGirl on April 7, 2010, at 2:40:59

Therapygirl, I haven't much time right now, because I'm not at home, but I wanted to tell you how much I understand.

((( Therapygirl )))


Re: Cycling down and I need my T

Posted by antigua3 on April 7, 2010, at 14:01:50

In reply to Cycling down and I need my T, posted by TherapyGirl on April 7, 2010, at 2:40:59

I'm so sorry. I know how hard you've been working without having your T around, so just keep at it. Or can you call her? Or is that out of bounds, now?
Just remember what she taught you, and get a new job! You shouldn't have to be at a place where you're worth is undervalued. Also, congrats on such a greet meeting. You know it was great, and so do the people who count, and nobody can take that away from you.
take care,


Re: Cycling down and I need my T

Posted by rnny on April 7, 2010, at 21:49:22

In reply to Re: Cycling down and I need my T, posted by Annierose on April 7, 2010, at 6:46:56

My old T used to be great at bringing me down if I was all worked up over something involving people. Usually some event where I had been or brought on myself being "under attack" and so forth. I would run to her like a child to the mother and she would have all the answers and make everything better. Boy, after she retired my life took a turn for the worse. I was flip flopping around for a year and a half and using poor judgement. I didn't have a solid influence or even someone with good judgement in my life life and it showed. I regressed! At my worst times I would think of things she would say to me to make my current crisis better but it wouldn't help that much. It only made me miss her more and I would get more angry that she retired. To be honest, the only thing that has helped is having a new T. My old T was in her 60's and this new T is as well. I like an "older" T because they seem wise and that is what I need. I have the intellect but I lack the emotional maturity. I get myself in all sorts of jams that a mature adult should be avoiding. I simply don't always know how to act in every day situations. For example kid checking out groceries and goofing around behind the register. I want to bawl him out yet I see others just ignoring him and not even noticing. When you do things like start bawling out the teen behind the register, others notice and you look like the one with the problem. So when you say you want your T, I understand. My old T by nature had good manners and I would copy her. My new T has some qualities that my old T had but not all. My old T was very pretty and was married to an MD well known in his field. They had a nice house here in NY and one in New England. And yet she was so down to earth. My new T isn't pretty and isn't married, she is divorced. All I can say is I know how you feel and I am sorry you got attacked at work. I got attacked by a neighbor the other day. Someone I had just lent my car to a few days before. I couldn't believe this person was acting out this kind of anger against me over something very minor. I was really despairing over it because I thought we were friends but now it is a good thing it happened because this person has acted not so nice to me at other times and I just looked the other way. Now I know this is not a person to seek out in terms of intimate friendship. Too short tempered. I wish I could reach into your world, right in the middle of it with a magic wand and go "bing" and then your whole world would get all pretty and soft and you would relax and life would be beautiful. You will get to the point where your T becomes someone sort of part of your past, but it takes a long time and I am not entirely over it myself and it is going on two years. I am still heartbroken she is gone but not desparing. I was in despair and would cry for a long time. Good for you for looking for another job. You are worth being treated with decency and respect. Gosh, when we find ourselves in situations where that is missing, then we know it is time to move on. I find I have a couple of scenarios in my life that I have to move on from due the toxic level. It is so good hearing from you again.


Re: Cycling down and I need my T TherapyGirl

Posted by workinprogress on April 8, 2010, at 23:03:24

In reply to Cycling down and I need my T, posted by TherapyGirl on April 7, 2010, at 2:40:59


Of course you want your T back. (((((TherapyGirl)))))) I mean, I know you miss her in general, but I'm sure that missing is especially great in tough times. But, what antigua said is great advice (better given from her because she's lived it too)- your T gave you a lot of love and tools so that she could be there "with you" when she's gone. Seems this is a time to let yourself grieve that loss, but to also remember that- like my T always tells me- "she's always with you, she's inside you". She's given you a strong base to rely on.

I know you will be talking to her again- I remember you saying you had scheduled something. How long until then.

Take care of yourself, I'm sure it's really hard, but not impossibly hard right? And hey... give your pups some big hugs, they'll love you right back!

We're all thinking about you...



Re: Cycling down and I need my T))ALL

Posted by TherapyGirl on April 9, 2010, at 19:07:25

In reply to Re: Cycling down and I need my T TherapyGirl, posted by workinprogress on April 8, 2010, at 23:03:24

Thank you so much, as always. I've read your responses throughout the week and you really helped me get through it.

I called my T the night before I wrote my post on here and left her a message. I told her, several times, that I *knew* she wasn't my T anymore and I understood completely if she couldn't call me back, but it would be helpful if I could have a quick conversation with her and hear her voice.

She didn't call me back for 24 hours and then I couldn't take the call. But she left me a message and said this was a hard call for her and the situation "iffy," but she heard that I was in pain and that if I still needed to talk to her I could call her back later that night.

So I did and she worked her magic. I asked her what I am doing wrong that I constantly end up in this situation -- where I'm doing all the work and then getting beaten up for being stressed. She told me this is my growing edge -- that this is where I'm most comfortable because of my family situation (lots of responsibility, taken for granted, beat up on literally and figuratively). She told me I'm definitely recognizing the pattern faster and seeing the need to get out of it, which I didn't used to and that was good, but that I still need to work on finding healthy situations where people don't take advantage of my sense of responsibility and work ethic. So that's what I'm going to try to do next.

And I'm going to start going through the list of Ts she left me to see if I can find someone to work on the cognitive stuff, which my T wouldn't have been able to do anyway.

Thank you again for all the support. I'm sorry I haven't been around much -- I'll try to do better on that score.


Re: Cycling down and I need my T))ALL TherapyGirl

Posted by workinprogress on April 11, 2010, at 12:11:49

In reply to Re: Cycling down and I need my T))ALL, posted by TherapyGirl on April 9, 2010, at 19:07:25


Sounds like you both did the right thing. You reached out to her, but knew she might choose not to respond and it wouldn't be about you, but the boundaries of a changing relationship. She bent those boundaries because she cares. And, you're taking steps to find a way to not find yourself in either the work or the bending boundaries situation again. I certainly hope you're all proud of yourselves. After all... you're both human and she does care about you.

Good luck with finding a new T. It might take some time to find the right one (and there will never be another "your T" of course), but trust your gut and be willing to let it take some time.


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