Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 910891

Shown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 8:12:03

things aren't the same. after the mix-up when i didn't get in to see him for a couple months (i didn't know you wanted / needed to see me) things just aren't the same. i don't think things will ever be the same again.

i... trusted him. trusted that he knew how much he meant to me and i trusted him to be careful with that. and he wasn't careful. he either didn't know or he didn't take the appropriate care. so... i'm feeling pretty detached now. still working. still trying to talk about hard stuff. but i don't hold him in mind anymore (like he doesn't hold me in mind) and... i'm doing things to take care of myself because i guess i've realized that if i don't... nobody else is ever going to.

he has stuff i don't. a family that he cares a great deal about. i guess they care a great deal about him too, and that must be nice. i've never really had that in my life. but with that comes some kind of responsibility. and i don't really have those responsibilities either.

people sometimes say 'these are the best years of your life'. typically when you are having the hardest years of your life suffering through high school or whatever. i've become aware, though, that these... really are the best years of my life. i mean, i guess things could get better... but things are actually pretty good.

i mean you think about what it is that womens rights activists campaigned for... a 'room of ones own' and the like. i have freedom now like i'll probably never have again. i can take a couple hours out of my morning and go to the gym. that really does feel like a luxury. that i can just take some time to do that. i don't have to do things for others... sometimes my dissertation feels like it is for my supervisors, really, but it isn't, of course, its really for me. and i can do whatever the f*ck i like. i can go out and get drunk as late as i like. i can come and go as i like. i don't have to answer to anyone. i quite like my life really. people here are friendly and i have more social opportunities than i would ever wish to take up.

and my t... well... i'm grateful that i can see him. but... he just doesn't mean as much to me as he used to. i guess... i let my father go, mostly. and i guess... i let my t go, too. because with that last mix up... well sometimes it is just about facing facts. he doesn't really hold me in mind. he is holding his family in mind. and that is nice for them and all. but as for me... i don't have anyone to hold in mind i don't have anyone to hold me in mind but what i got is freedom. and its about using it to take care of me. building a life that i like. i'm okay by myself, actually. i don't think i want a family, actually. it wouldn't feel natural for me.

 

Re: letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 8:18:02

In reply to letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 8:12:03

i will have to talk to my mother... about the financial aspect of medical school. i've decided that that is what i want to do when i'm finished up here. if i can make it financially feasible. study the undergrad stuff (memorization is actually pretty fun in its own special way) and go to the gym and drink my face off after every exam... thats a lifestyle that could work out well... then once the training is done just a couple days work a week. if thats all that i'm up to. thats feasible. the rest of the time as my own. thats feasible. i think... i could have a pretty good life, actually.

just throw myself into my life. world of warcraft and the gym and study and work and (((sleep))) just throw myself into my life, really. figure out some social stuff and really... i get uncomfortable when people get too close. and i can learn to manage the loneliness... i really think that is the best way. i don't want a family, really. i don't want or need a family at all. that isn't what is good for me now.

its kind of too late for me. but that is okay. there are many different ways to live a life. many different ways to live a valuable life. can put something back into helping others so it isn't exactly a-social. and really... why was i so busy before trying to be something that i'm just not?

 

Re: letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 8:37:12

In reply to Re: letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 8:18:02

it would be nice to have an apartment. something low maintenance because i don't much like mowing lawns or whatever and would prefer not to have to deal with getting someone in to do it either. i think an apartment would be nice. something modern and clean.

it would be nice to live by a nice coffee shop, too. make getting coffee a morning routine. get to know some of the people doing that.

someplace where i don't need to learn to drive to get myself around. i'm not terribly adventurous. just want to get to the places i need to go reasonably conveniently. not one for novelty, really. novelty makes me anxious. makes me feel tired.

i think i'm actually happy by myself. it would be nice to keep up the gym and actually... at some point... actually feel happy about my body. it actually isn't so bad. just really untoned and a bit flabby at present but that is alterable. i could be happy with it, i think. if only i took better care.

a kitchen where i can experiment with making food and not have people looking over my shoulder 'what are you doing? why are you doing that?' take a bottle of wine and put on some music and have some fun with cooking. have some fun with clothes, too. with a bit more money and a body that i'm not hating quite so much.

families are expensive... why do people do it? i don't quite understand.

i think i'm okay by myself. i really think... i am. i just want to be happier by myself, really. that is what getting better means to me.

 

Re: letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 8:41:26

In reply to letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 8:12:03

i wish i could do kick boxing. that would be great for giving me a sense of confidence and competence, i think. some kind of attitude that you get yourself into when you train... there is something beneficial about that, methinks. like fostering calm in mindfulness... fostering determination and... vitality. life. fighting for something one believes in. oneself. hard to explain. i'm raving.

cycling has to be the thing. i think i can do it... i like the bikes where you can choose your track and watch your progress and i'm getting to know about how many minutes it takes me to do a k and i think i can work towards something, here.

don't f*ck with me.

thats what i want. i want to embody that. just don't even try. its pointless, really. just leave me alone. you can't touch me. i don't need you. i don't need anyone.

 

Re: letting go alexandra_k

Posted by Phillipa on August 8, 2009, at 12:11:41

In reply to Re: letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 8:41:26

Alex I understand. Love Phillipa families can hurt and kids too.

 

Re: letting go alexandra_k

Posted by Garnet71 on August 8, 2009, at 20:22:23

In reply to letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 8:12:03

Alexandra - are you pursing the degree for the 'right reasons' - or are your avoidance issues permeating your desire for that educational outcome??

 

Re: letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 23:16:50

In reply to Re: letting go alexandra_k, posted by Garnet71 on August 8, 2009, at 20:22:23

> Alexandra - are you pursing the degree for the 'right reasons' - or are your avoidance issues permeating your desire for that educational outcome??

I guess one take is that those who pursue deeply intimate relationships / families are overly dependent on others... And I guess another take is that those who do not pursue deeply intimate relationships / families are overly avoidant of others... I guess like most things there are better or worse reasons and figuring out what is most comfortable / natural / good for one takes some time...

I have become particularly contientious of the fact that the majority of academics (that I know in my field anyway) aren't particularly interested in helping people. They have a passion, and their passion might well have side-effects that are beneficial for society, don't get me wrong, but helping society or individuals within society is not what drives them.

I would like to put something back, to be sure. Linehan was right in the sense that helping others is what helps make my life meaningful. Part of it is about figuring out the nature of that contribution. How can I best contribute? Different people are suited to contributing in different ways. 'Little' things like smiling at a stranger or random acts of kindness that can make a significant different. All kinds of things...

My motivation to do medicine is something that I have looked into. And something that I've raised with my therapist. And something that I've raised with my supervisors here. Everyone is supportive of the notion. My therapist thinks I'd be suited to do that and that I'd be fairly good at it. He thinks that I'd need some special consideration with respect to my working hours - but he said that he has a number of students who need that and that really isn't a problem. My supervisors said that the training would do me good with respect to my intended area of specialization (philosophy of medicine) and it would open up funding opportunities that aren't available to me without that background. Seems like a win-win really.

Teaching is okay. It is just... With respect to my contribution to the world... If I need to 'work' a couple days a week in order to support my research (as is most likely that I will need to do) then I'd rather see patients a couple days a week and perhaps help some of them rather than teaching undergraduates a couple days a week in order to support my research. I'd rather help people with physical / mental complaints that they have (people who are suffering) rather than discuss logical positivism or two dimensional semantics with undergraduates (who are still acquiring the terminology and who don't, for the most part, know what they are talking about).

There is a 'new wave' of philosophy. One that consists in 'taking science seriously'. 'Seriously' to the point of 'if you are interested in philosophy of psychology then you need to work in a psychology lab for a bit and learn about what issues they are having and help them sort out the conceptual dispute / verbal dispute / underdeterminacy of theory by data kinds of issues'. 'Seriously' to the point of organizing inter-disciplinary reading groups etc etc etc. Developing a shared terminology is a huge part of it. Reading at least some of the same stuff. In order to do philosophy of medicine in the 'new wave' tradition that I'm certainly part of... The best possible thing for me to do is to actually learn medicine so that I have a shared terminology with which to 'translate' for both fields.

 

Re: letting go alexandra_k

Posted by Dinah on August 8, 2009, at 23:26:11

In reply to letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 8:12:03

I think I'm a bit concerned. Not about whether you continue to see this therapist or not. He seemed to be a good match for you before you left, but I have no real way of knowing whether he is right for you right now.

But I'm wondering if you're generalizing this experience not only to your whole relationship with your therapist, but to your relationship with the world as a whole. You aren't a rock, and you aren't an island. You do need others. We all do, no matter how much we dislike the idea.

Your therapist let you down. He hurt you, and his actions seemed to indicate to you that the relationship you had with him was not what you had thought it was, or what you wanted it to be.

He didn't mean to hurt you but he did. You have one therapist while he has many clients. He didn't keep you in mind during the months you were away (or at least not enough), any more than my therapist is going to miss seeing me this week, or give me a moment's thought while he's on vacation. These things hurt. Like the dickens. But they are true.

If you're in a long term relationship with anyone they are going to hurt you. A therapeutic relationship leads to more hurt in some ways, although less in others. They are never ever going to care about us in the same way we care about them.

It's lopsided. That hurts.

But....

If you don't put yourself in a position to be hurt, you won't be in a position to be loved either, or to love. The people you love will hurt you. They will let you down. And human nature being what it is, they will hurt you over and over again in the exact same way. Because they are who they are and you are who you are.

Your father hurt you so much, and he kept hurting you over and over again. Parents tend to be that way. We keep hoping that *this* time it will be different. And it opens us to hope, and it opens us to hurt.

No one wants to be put in that position again.

Yet....

All relationships are flawed.

At the one end, it's not a good idea to recreate the circumstances we had with our parents. Where we hope and hope and get hurt and get hurt.

On the other hand, it's also not a good idea to react to other people letting us down in such a way that we can't sustain a relationship.

There has to be something in the middle.

For me, I think the middle is acceptance. Any therapist you care about is going to hurt you. Any friend you care about is going to hurt you. Yet your therapist can offer you good things as well, not just hurt. Your friends, your family, any person in your life, can offer you good things as well as hurt. You will find comfort and joy and companionship and and wisdom and pain and anger in every long term relationship you have.

I think one function of therapy is to figure out how to separate in any relationship the pain others cause us, and the pain our expectations and perceptions about the relationship cause us. It seems like such a perfect opportunity to work through these things with a therapist, instead of friends or family who may not have the skill or patience to work on them with us.

But on the other hand in any relationship, there is a tipping point, where the benefits outweigh the costs, or vice versa.

 

Re: letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 23:39:31

In reply to Re: letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 8, 2009, at 23:16:50

And it is partly about independence, too. Maintaining that. I've depended on people who weren't dependable in the way I needed for so long... And so I want to have a good shot at maintaining my independence as much as possible for as long as I can.

I spent time in hospital. Two shattered ankles / feet. The care I got wasn't so good because not many people cared for me. There weren't concerned relatives in the vicinity asking if there was anything they could do to help. There weren't people who were concerned about my care. The care I got suffered because of it. I noticed it immensely when my friend here got sick. The doctors / nurses did much more for him than they would have done if he didn't have the caring relatives / friends that he had.

I've been told that I can expect to be in a wheel chair later in life. I'd really... Rather not. There are options. Ankle replacements. Technology is getting better all the time. Health care is expensive. There are all kinds of things you can do if you have the funds / personal relationships / professional relationships. The best thing I can do for my health is to develop an active concern in my health. Do everything I can do to maintain it. Makes it much more likely that others will be motivated to care for it as best they can. Will help that out, too, if I am motivated to help others with it as best I can.

I know two people who were on track for academia who switched to medicine. Both at different places. The change in them in considerable. A lot of it is about the 'role' that you play in society / life. There are different expectations that we have on people who play different roles. We expect that policeman to respect the law even when he is off duty. We expect teachers to be good with kids even when they are off duty. We expect doctors to conduct themselves appropriately even when they are off duty. An 'emergency' could happen... And one might be placed to make the difference. It becomes... Part of how one views oneself. Certain professions / careers / roles in life can become a significant part of ones identity.

A 'student' is all about 'potential'. I've played a number of different roles in society... I think medicine is something I can do.

I've realized something about my supervisor... He is friends with the professor of general practice here. Think he is his doctor, even. They hang out a lot. My professors health is... Dubious. Having his friend around if something happens to him... Could make a considerable difference. You would pay a fortune for that quality of care. Social relationships... I don't want to be in a wheel chair dammit. I want to be... The best me I can be. I want... To make some kind of beneficial difference in this world. Teaching undergraduates... I'm dubious about... Helping suffering people... Would help make my life manageable / worth living.

Maybe... Think of the childless childcare worker. Someone who does that to the best of her ability and is the best childcare person she can be (or is working towards that). Sometimes... Abstaining from having children yourself can be a way of actually maximizing your assistance to people more generally. The world is overpopulated (from an environmental point of view). And there are people... Planning to bring more children into the world even though there isn't appropriate care for all the children who are in the world already. Why not simply focus on those who are around? Sure my issues play into all of this. But, really, who doesn't have issues? I don't know of anyone who doesn't... And I don't think my issues threaten to undermine the whole thing... Really... I don't.

But it is something that I think on, indeed.

 

Re: letting go Dinah

Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 0:07:32

In reply to Re: letting go alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on August 8, 2009, at 23:26:11

I am continuing to see him. He is the best therapist I've ever seen - or at least we have the best working relationship that I've ever had with a clinician. I'm appreciative that he is working with me and I really am working to push myself to talk about the hard stuff.

But the way I cope with the hard stuff through the week isn't to imagine him being there with me leaning forward feeling the emotion with me. The way I'm starting to cope with the hard stuff through the week is to put it into the bike and the weights and then... Feel the endorphins and feel... Pretty good, actually.

I don't need to hold him in mind. I'm learning to manage my own moods in a way that doesn't require him. Don't get me wrong I'll remember social connections that help me feel better - a nice conversation that I had with one of my work mates, or a nice remark that he made, even, but imagining him... Isn't something that I really do anymore. I know that I'm not an island and I know that social relationships are important to me. But it is about... Diversity. And appreciating the 'small things' like a smile from a stranger or an amusing conversation with someone who I know a lot more.

I'm fine with things that way. I feel... Stronger. Less vulnerable. More dependent on me and less dependent on others. I think... This is the middle ground for me because I really was... Very dependent. I ended up in hospital because I just wanted to curl up and cease to exist because I couldn't get in to see him. I need to have some resilience against that. I can go to the gym and fight for something... Fight to get two circuits in in 30 minutes. Feel competent for having done it... Feel the endorphins flow... I really think... That this represents a change for the better in me.

My back doesn't ache anymore. I can stand on my tip-toes and walk around like that for a while (there, now, my ankles can improve a lot if I work to tone the muscles in my feet). I can balance on one foot. I can touch my toes. I can almost do 3 sets of 10 reps of spine extensions. I can almost do the last set of reps on the last arm weight machine. I can do two laps of rolling hills on setting 5 in 30 minutes. I feel... Stronger.

> If you don't put yourself in a position to be hurt, you won't be in a position to be loved either...

I... Don't think that I need to be loved. Respected - yes. Loved the way I love my friends. Having meaningful conversations about what is hurting me... I have good friends. They hold me in mind intermittently, and I hold them in mind intermittently. I miss them a lot when they aren't around... But they really are more like washing machines than you might suppose with respect to the role they play in my life. Don't get me wrong they are irreplaceable with their quirks... But everyone is irreplaceable in that way... And in that sense they aren't like washing machines... Though I guess even those (of the same model) have their quirks...

I do need to put something into society. More than I'm doing now. I'm not a smily person. I find it hard to smile at strangers. I need to put something more in than I'm doing at present. Medicine seems to be something that I think I'm suited to. Will help me feel better about myself. Will... Be a way of taking care of myself, too.

I know that the hardest thing can be trying to change people. Sometimes... The most helpful is to simply accept and listen rather than to work to change. I think that that is something that I get. I think that that might help me be resilient with respect to burn-out. It isn't about... The power that comes from actually helping. It is more about... The public service you are doing in helping people feel heard. Of course it depends on what you end up doing... Some are more and some are less solution focused. More of less plausibly so, at any rate. Not sure what I'll end up doing... But I do think it will be a personal journey where I will learn a great deal about myself... I'm looking forward to finding out.

 

Re: letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 0:31:51

In reply to Re: letting go alexandra_k, posted by Garnet71 on August 8, 2009, at 20:22:23

and of course it remains to be seen how long i can keep this up for. apparently the two week mark is an 'at risk' time with respect to people giving up. the trainer said i should talk to him at the four week mark to check how i'm going - so i figure that that is an 'at risk' time, too. maybe the key is to up the program to make sure you are constantly pushing yourself to keep the interest / value up. get a new program at eight weeks. seems hard for me to comprehend wanting to stop, now. i don't think i'm addicted (wow you should see some people work that elliptical trainer lol pushing through fatigue is not something that i'm actually very able to do). but... there is something addictive about it, to be sure. i'm hoping... this isn't a 'borderline cult' thing to be doing. right now... it really does seem to be some kind of answer to everything. other people struggle to do cardio because they find it 'boring'. i'm the kinda person who can waste one hour sitting on my bed doing and thinking... nothing at all. something hypnotic about it where i can't snap out of it. doesn't seem so hard to zone out while cycling. doesn't seem boring to me, at all. can hear the people running thump, thump, thump, and kinda like trying to pound the peddles in time. but, yeah, i guess i wouldn't be surprised if this is some kind of cult thing that i will snap out of at some point. i really hope not. but really... if it was the cult thing then... there are surly worse cults to get into and really... it is a healthy one, at least.

 

Re: letting go alexandra_k

Posted by Deneb on August 9, 2009, at 0:44:28

In reply to Re: letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 0:31:51

Good for you for joining the gym!

I remember when I joined the Y, it was very good for me. I could feel myself get stronger and more fit.

At first I could only do 5 mins on the elliptical but in a surprisingly short amount of time I could do more than an hour on the elliptical.

I wish I still went to the gym. I stopped because it was getting expensive, but maybe it is worth it.

I think there is a gym for students at my uni, I think it is free for students, I will check it out.

Make exercising a habit, then it feels weird not to do it. I'm glad it's helping you regulate your emotions. My pdoc is big on exercising.

I used to go to the Y after work every day.

 

Re: letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 0:52:45

In reply to Re: letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 0:31:51

weights helps improve bone density, apparently. i need to check about the metal, though. have a plate in my tibia so i'm a bit worried about lifing leg weights with my lower leg. it is unclear to me how much it is bad to put that kind of pressure on my lower leg given the plate, or how much it is beneficial for me to lift weights with my lower leg because it will help improve bone density around the fracture. i think... the idea is to... get the metal out. so that the pressure is on the fracture (improving its density) rather than on each end of the plate (which might not be so good). i'm kinda reluctant because i'm afraid that i'll make things worse...

but i think i just need to do it. can (kinda) tell the difference between muscular fatigue and trouble with the bone... maybe just start light... my other leg can pick up most of the weight if it feels dubious... will talk to surgeon when the referral comes through.

they keep saying that lifting weights helps improve self-esteem. i didn't quite get why... why think that instead of cardio for instance? i think part of it is about just pushing through fatigue. the muscle starts wobbling and feels like its going to drop the weight or fail to get it up. and from somewhere... you find some kind of inner strength... whether it be 'you f*ck*ng left me you arsehole' or what the f*ck ever. and... you get the weight up. and you never thought that you could do that. you got it up! and you feel amazing. you CAN do it. you are stronger than you thought. you exist. there now. you made a difference in the world. you manipulated something successfully. and then mmm endorphins. how good does that feel????

people have raved at me about the virtues of exercise for a while now. i know it is typically what i suggest to others. but as for me... whatever. never thought it was something that i would do.

i'm not sure what happened. but somewhere... sometime after i got out of hospital this last time... i decided to actually try and do some of this stuff that i know would be good for me. giving up smoking in one week... i don't quite know where this came from. but sometime after this last thing of 'i just want to curl up and die' i somehow decided... that i'd rather stand up and live.

 

Re: letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 1:02:57

In reply to Re: letting go alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on August 9, 2009, at 0:44:28

i'm scared of the elliptical. i remember trying it once before my injuries and after 30 seconds i was absolutely wrecked and really couldn't have continued. i really am very unfit. cardio sucks because of however many years of heavy smoking... muscles basically atrophied from my injuries that i didn't properly rehabilitate from. i guess it just takes some time lol and progress is really fast to start with, especially.

i'm tempted to try a little. i think... i actually am good with standing. and the leg motion of that seems gentler on the ankles than walking, even. i might have a go... if my ankles feel okay... it would be nice to give my butt a bit of a workout lol.

it is expensive... but i guess if you go 5 or 6 days a week and you break it down to how much it costs every day it ain't so bad. and the price of 'entertainment' etc. i think... it is worth it (so long as you can afford it in the first place, of course).

apparently muscle bulk speeds up your metabolism, too. burns 4 times as many calories or some such thing. i'm hoping that doing weights will help with that. trying to eat smaller amounts more often to help it along, too. i do think that building muscle seems much easier than not eating chocolate or ice cream or not drinking as much lol.

i'm slightly concerned... that i think i have a tendency to bulk up. i remember my arms got fairly built when i was in a wheel chair / on crutches. but i guess moving around on those was pumping them up more than they would typically be pumped if i was just walking around. so maybe they weren't as bad as i remember... i think its cause of the high androgen thing, but i think i might need to be a bit careful with weight lifting. not many women have it, apparently, but some do... i actually wouldn't mind so long as you look alright when they aren't pumped. never seen a female weight lifter not pumped (and probably on steroids) to know whether that is something i need to be careful of... not for a long time yet at any rate rofl... at the moment simply aiming for 'not atrophied' lol.


 

Re: letting go alexandra_k

Posted by 10derHeart on August 9, 2009, at 1:22:48

In reply to Re: letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 0:52:45

>>i'm not sure what happened. but somewhere... sometime after i got out of hospital this last time... i decided to actually try and do some of this stuff that i know would be good for me. giving up smoking in one week... i don't quite know where this came from. but sometime after this last thing of 'i just want to curl up and die' i somehow decided... that i'd rather stand up and live.

You know, alex, reading this thread (and some others, maybe Writing) I have all these thoughts and ideas and questions and this and that...and it doesn't matter. Oh it might make interesting reading and I might even get to all those sometime soon...but it does not matter because I AM SO BUSY WIPING THE TEARS OF JOY FROM MY EYES READING WHAT YOU WROTE ABOVE. I have long prayed you would find some keys, unlock some doors, find the right corners to turn to find alex, the alex who Wants to Be Here. This is what I see happening now.

This is so profoundly important and you have changed. You sound wonderful. This is all good. I KNEW this would come to pass - way back - years back - don't ask me how (it's a deep talk for the Faith board...but not today...;-))

What I am so fumblingly trying to say here, alex, is that I am so proud and happy and excited for you. All of it - the gym - your T. (flaws and hurt and all) - what you have academically done already - the thought of medical school...I can hardly express myself. (am I embarrassing you yet???.....good!)

You are an inspiration. I joined our local community center (gym, health club, swimming, all that...) 6 weeks ago and have gone only 3 times. :-( NOW, I Want to...because of you. You reminded me of how one can get in a zone, how it's something to look forward to - not dread. Thank you for that. No platitudes or hyperbole here - from the bottom of my heart I am grateful I have been reading your posts just now in my life. I was backsliding every positive effort, rationalizing why I am too old, too fat, too lazy, too unorganized and all of a sudden....your posts made me stop and say,"no, you're not, actually." Like the ubiquitous Nike slogan (used to hate this, but...) 10der, when it comes right down to it - Just Do It.

Okay that was a ADD-driven, emotional mess just there, mixing up points and topics (do you know for me, I am sometimes a little scared posting to an expert in logic!! eeek ;-) )...but I know you can figure me out.

I almost never post here any more, and you got me to do it.

You have me in tears in a really good way (but you always could do that...)

I may go to the gym first thing tomorrow, largely because of you...thinking if she can, I can...

You totally freakin' rock.

 

Re: letting go alexandra_k

Posted by Deneb on August 9, 2009, at 1:24:19

In reply to Re: letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 1:02:57

I don't think most women have to worry about looking too bulky. Those women who look super bulky are on steroids.

There used to be this site about women's weight training, it was good. I can't find it now, but she explains that getting bulky is one of the myths of weight training for women.

I want to go back to the gym. I find the gym gives me the structure I need to exercise. Plus it felt really good to be burning calories and getting stronger.

I've probably lost a lot of muscle since then as I've been sleeping 12 hours a day and sitting on the couch the other 11.5 hours. LOL. I was washing the dishes and my arms got too tired. I had to rest a while before finishing up.

I heard that about muscle too, that it burns more calories at rest.

The elliptical was really hard for me at first. Seriously, by 5 minutes I was totally beat, my legs were wobbly, the whole deal. LOL I really had to push myself through 5 mins. But I worked myself up and then before I knew it I was doing an hour on the elliptical. I bet you could do it too. I liked the elliptical because it was easier on my feet and joints. Walking on the treadmill I got blisters, but not on the elliptical.

Oh and a good tip for blisters is vaseline. Put a lot of vaseline on your feet then put on socks and you won't get blisters. I walked 4 hours without getting a blister doing that.

 

Re: letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 2:01:53

In reply to Re: letting go alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on August 9, 2009, at 1:24:19

> I don't think most women have to worry about looking too bulky. Those women who look super bulky are on steroids... There used to be this site about women's weight training, it was good. I can't find it now, but she explains that getting bulky is one of the myths of weight training for women.

Yeah, I found that, too. I think I might (possibly) be one of those women who does have the potential to bulk up, though. The notion is that most women don't because most women don't have the androgens that are required to build muscle mass. Some women have higher levels of androgen, though, so I'm supposing they are the ones who would have the potential to bulk up. My tests came back within the high end of normal range. That must make my skin especially sensitive (hair and acne) or it must mean that my levels fluctuate during the day so are higher at certain times. Probably this doesn't matter, though, because even if I have the tendency to bulk up (and I think I do - I'm not a 'lithe' build, I'm 'curvy' with solid bones) when you aren't pumped and / or on steroids you probably look just toned and fine.

The elliptical might be a bit much for my ankles, but I'll give it a (very brief) go tomorrow lol. I need to be careful of my joints (i'm very double jointed) so I really think that weights are actually a good thing for me. Takes the pressure / impact off my joints considerably. Trying to do flexibility too in stretching my muscles out since I should be pretty bendy by nature lol.


 

Re: letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 2:14:00

In reply to Re: letting go alexandra_k, posted by 10derHeart on August 9, 2009, at 1:22:48

Aw, you made me cry <sniff>
I'm not sure how long this will last... Probably it will come and go... But for the first time ever... Its here. I feel it. A will to live.
<sniff>
And... I actually don't hate my body. It isn't so bad. I would like to lose my rolls and I would like to be toned and more flexible... But I actually don't mind it so much. And the fatigue... Actually feels good. Almost emotional. The line between physical and emotional ache is very close for me... Fatigue... Feels... Satisfying in some way. Calm. Relaxed. Faintly powerful. Not sad. Endorphins are incompatible with sadness and you just don't have the energy to feel frustrated / angry. Not sure how the emptiness is going... Partly better, I think.
But I'm sure it will come and go.

> I joined our local community center (gym, health club, swimming, all that...) 6 weeks ago and have gone only 3 times. :-(

Do you have a program? I spent thirty bucks to get some guy to figure out a program for me. I'm basically... Working to be able to do the darned thing. Took some time to figure out how heavy the weights should be so I was struggling with the last rep. I can't do the full thing yet (can't do that many reps on arms or the core strength exercises). But each time I go I do something more than the day before, and I'm feeling really good making progress towards being able to do it. I don't know how well I'd go with setting goals for myself...

> You reminded me of how one can get in a zone, how it's something to look forward to - not dread.

Yeah. I'm trying to hold that in mind. I'm lucky that I have the time to be able to do it. I imagine what it must be like being primary caregiver with small kids... Not enough time in the day... Not enough time to do something like this. It kinda is a luxury, really. Some time for me. Just to focus on me. Seeing other really fit people can actually be inspiring of something I'd like to be able to do one day... Seeing myself make progress on my program is inspiring that I'm actually making progress. Getting a little bit stronger... Every day.

I alternate arms and legs. They hurt the day after. But when they are hurting stretching them out feels WONDERFUL. It actually... Feels pretty good to be doing it (though I'm taking it fairly easy so I want to go back). Just get your *rs* there and then... Really hold onto / embrace the endorphins. I think... That is the key.

Let me know how you go :-)

 

Re: letting go

Posted by Deneb on August 9, 2009, at 3:10:15

In reply to Re: letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 2:01:53

How is the replacing smoking with gum going?

 

Re: letting go

Posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 3:12:42

In reply to Re: letting go, posted by Deneb on August 9, 2009, at 3:10:15

quit date next saturday

 

Re: letting go alexandra_k

Posted by Phillipa on August 9, 2009, at 20:31:41

In reply to Re: letting go, posted by alexandra_k on August 9, 2009, at 1:02:57

Alex don't fret about the bulking up women don't have all the testosterone men do. Just will firm you up. Phillipa


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