Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 896597

Shown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

If T hurt you, would you go back?

Posted by Birdsong on May 19, 2009, at 9:16:06

First, thank you all for your kind responses.

I was with T for 7 months and it has been difficult. I don't know if we are the right "fit" but I am in so much pain. T did not make any attempt to contact me although I have missed 3 sessions. I am getting so depressed and I don't know why. T does not want me as a client.

If you were me, would you call T? Or just recognize that you have been rejected again and try and move on?

 

Re: If T hurt you, would you go back? Birdsong

Posted by fleeting flutterby on May 19, 2009, at 10:58:05

In reply to If T hurt you, would you go back?, posted by Birdsong on May 19, 2009, at 9:16:06

> First, thank you all for your kind responses.
>
> I was with T for 7 months and it has been difficult. I don't know if we are the right "fit" but I am in so much pain. T did not make any attempt to contact me although I have missed 3 sessions. I am getting so depressed and I don't know why. T does not want me as a client.
>
> If you were me, would you call T? Or just recognize that you have been rejected again and try and move on?<<

---flutterby: argh!! just typed a whole long reply and my computer went down and I lost it!! argh!!!

---- anyway, I basically said that if I was in your place I'd not call the T. I don't think you've been rejected though, I think it's a lack of "clicking" or not a good fit, like you said.

I had similar happen to me. One session after having gone weekly for 8 months, after 5 minutes of silence, I said that I didn't care to be there today and he said, "There is the door, it's not locked you can leave"-- so I did. (I'm very quiet and non-confrontational. it took a lot for me to even say what I said outloud. I think I was hoping inwardly that he would say-- "can we talk about why you don't feel like being here today"..... but instead I heard-- "you are not worthy to question why you don't wish to be here-- you can just leave")


anyway, things never were the same after that-- it seemed he found a client that would not voice upset and thus hurtful things were said occasionally, and gradually I felt the wall between us grow thicker and thicker. I don't think I respond well to tough love-- I had too much "tough" without love- as a child..... it is way too upsetting for me.

I've since found a therapist that has much more compassion and empathy-- though the wall is still up-- I'm working on it getting thinner.

I hope that your journey will lead you to better healing, whatever you decide.

thinking of you,

flutterby-mandy

 

Re: If T hurt you, would you go back? Birdsong

Posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 19, 2009, at 11:17:23

In reply to If T hurt you, would you go back?, posted by Birdsong on May 19, 2009, at 9:16:06

Please don't take it personally with your T. A lot of T's don't really reach out when their clients miss an appointment, or even several (they just assume the person isn't coming back). You said it's not been the right fit (or you aren't sure it has been) and so maybe that's the real thing to focus on. I believe in closure, though, so I would go back just to express your feelings and let him/her know that you're going to find someone else. Try to do that when you are in a good space and can articulate what you think went wrong, or how you are not a good fit. In the meantime, find someone else asap. You are hurting, and need to find support. Good luck~Amelia

> First, thank you all for your kind responses.
>
> I was with T for 7 months and it has been difficult. I don't know if we are the right "fit" but I am in so much pain. T did not make any attempt to contact me although I have missed 3 sessions. I am getting so depressed and I don't know why. T does not want me as a client.
>
> If you were me, would you call T? Or just recognize that you have been rejected again and try and move on?

 

Re: If T hurt you, would you go back?

Posted by Phillipa on May 19, 2009, at 12:18:35

In reply to Re: If T hurt you, would you go back? Birdsong, posted by Amelia_in_StPaul on May 19, 2009, at 11:17:23

The one I had just said well you're no better in a year so why not come once a month instead of every two weeks. This was because my husband was with me as she'd given us a homework assignment and we came together as she said too. She didn't even remember that. Wanted to know why he was with me. Never went back. Phillipa

 

Re: If T hurt you, would you go back? Birdsong

Posted by seldomseen on May 19, 2009, at 20:24:47

In reply to If T hurt you, would you go back?, posted by Birdsong on May 19, 2009, at 9:16:06

I think it depends.

One thing I can say for sure is that my T has hurt me a lot.

In the beginning I would typically lose it in session, quit - vowing never to return, but a little voice in me said "there something about this man and this process that I should give the benefit of the doubt"

So I would go back and we would talk about things. Usually it ended up just being a misunderstanding or misinterpretation on my part (or his). With each repair, I trusted him a little teeny weeny bit more and the therapy progressed.

In your case, I think I would try to talk to him again, if only to explain why you are hurt and had to leave.

Of course, I have absolutely no idea how he will respond, but I suspect that response will tell you quite clearly whether you want to keep going back.

Seldom.

 

Re: If T hurt you, would you go back? Birdsong

Posted by Dinah on May 20, 2009, at 21:07:30

In reply to If T hurt you, would you go back?, posted by Birdsong on May 19, 2009, at 9:16:06

Only if the benefit outweighed the hurt.

There are too many therapists out there for me to feel wed to one that is not to my taste.

 

finding the right fit...

Posted by twinleaf on June 2, 2009, at 23:15:37

In reply to Re: If T hurt you, would you go back? Birdsong, posted by Dinah on May 20, 2009, at 21:07:30

When we read about posters' relationships with their therapists here, one thing always seems to stand out- how deeply everyone wants to feel connected and bonded, and how much better they feel when that happens, as well as how agonized they feel when it doesn't, Because almost all of us probably have early histories of inconsistent (or worse) mothering, a strong attachment to our therapists is what most of us long for.

Even in the best therapies, almost everyone seems to go back and forth between attachment and aloneness until late in therapy, when they begin to feel more steadily connected, and are in the process of internalizing the therapist. Then, the work is done!
I think the ability to connect is really necessary, but other things are very important also, such as the "moments of meeting" when both minds really meet in a very emotional, non-verbal way. We also need a therapist who genuinely keeps us in mind every moment we are with them. Interpretations, whether of what we say or what we dream I'm putting last, because I think it's somewhat less important.

From what you have said I don't think that you are being given a chance to develop a bond, even some of the time, or to feel in tune with him, or kept in mind by him the way you deserve to be,

How would you feel about getting three or four new names, interviewing them all, and choosing the therapist that you'd most like to see?


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