Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 875590

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 27. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Favorite child

Posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 10:17:05

This came up w/my pdoc last time and it really has been bothering me so I thought I'd see what you guys thought. (If he ever reads this site, I'm dead, he will know it's me! Hope he never does, but it does make me nervous).

My older son was home after the holidays before going back to college. I was telling my pdoc what a wonderful time we had together, and as a family, and how much he has matured, etc., etc.

I have three children. The older one as described above, a daughter in the middle and a younger son.

I also discussed how my teenage daughter & I had had a breakthrough that made me not only understand her better, but see how she sees me, as in how she really does turn to me if she needs help. She has always been a rather "closed" child--she doesn't share a lot of what's going on w/her; I've always thought of her as very private and very loyal to her friends. That said, we do get along well.

My pdoc made some comment about my older son being my "favorite" child, and I went ballistic. I don't have a favorite, and in my heart I truly believe that. Yes, he is my oldest, and first, and we do have, and have always had, a great relationship. We've always been pretty open with each other whereas my daughter is more reserved. Also, just because I don't talk about my youngest, does that mean I love him less? That's ridiculous.

But my pdoc said, "Your whole demeanor changes when you talk about XXX; you brighten up, your body language changes, etc."

I was furious. Is something so evident that I'm blind to it? He isn't my favorite. I don't have a favorite; they're all my favorites.

He wouldn't back down on this, but I didn't get really angry until later, when all those snappy comebacks came to me and I missed the opportunity to "share" them w/him.

Then it occurred to me: Why does this idea make you so mad? Is it because I believed I was the "favorite" one of both my parents, and look what happened to me? As if I wouldn't want to put that label on any of my kids?

But is he right? That's a horribly scary thought for me that this would be obvious to someone from the outside but not to me.

He refused to back down from this. And yes, I do know, that at different times of their lives, our children can be more "lovable" to us, and that there is an ebb and flow to my relationship w/my children. But this isn't what I'm talking about
here.

So what do you think? I honestly believe that I have no "favorite".

Gee, I guess I better really start talking up my youngest!

BTW, my T doesn't agree, but I'm not sure I can trust her to be honest about this.
antigua

 

Re: Favorite child antigua3

Posted by raisinb on January 23, 2009, at 13:49:28

In reply to Favorite child, posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 10:17:05

I don't have children. But I don't see how lighting up when you talk about someone, or just the mere fact of openness means you care *more* about your oldest than your other ones. Of course you don't. It just means your relationship is different.

I have a very close friend with whom I'm completely open. We talk about anything and everything, I cry in front of him, and I never doubt his caring for me. In contrast, with my therapist, I edit, repress my feelings, and never really trust her caring for more than a week at a time. But if you asked me whom I cared more about? My therapist would probably win hands down a year ago, now it's more balanced, but I'd still go downhill very, very quickly if I lost her, and I think I could deal okay with a separation from my friend. I think it's because with him, I'm more securely attached, and I don't find it in me to believe that any temporary rupture could be permanent. But level of caring doesn't necessarily have anything to do with that.

 

Re: Favorite child antigua3

Posted by Sigismund on January 23, 2009, at 15:01:31

In reply to Favorite child, posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 10:17:05

Any idea how your daughter sees it?

 

Re: Favorite child antigua3

Posted by DAisym on January 23, 2009, at 17:08:22

In reply to Favorite child, posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 10:17:05

My younger brother loves to still say, "well, that's because you are dad's favorite." He is absolutely right, but he has no idea (does he?) what being the favorite meant.

So I would probably have the same reaction you are.

But what I know is that the word "favorite" has different meanings for different people. So while you might love all your children equally, you may enjoy them differently. You can appreciate all their different qualities, and yet one is easier to brag about than another. This happens with my middle son - he is really outgoing and is always doing things that make "interesting" stories. My oldest, who is a lot like me, is much quieter but he is a wonderful young man and I'm really proud of him and what he has accomplished. And the youngest - well, he and I are super close, but he is harder than the other two right now because of his age. So to an outsider, it might look like my middle kid is my favorite because he is the one I talk about the most.

I bet if you ask your children, you will be surprised at their answers. Kids are amazingly perceptive - but sometimes the reasons they've assigned to something - like one kid is mom's favorite - are different than ours.

Seems like this is one of those areas that leads straight to the abuse topic - and your feelings about being responsible, the shame of being the favorite and how much pressure you were under. Touchy, but important stuff.

 

Re: Favorite child

Posted by Emily Elizabeth on January 23, 2009, at 18:11:28

In reply to Favorite child, posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 10:17:05

Why was your pdoc making a comment about who was your favorite child? Out of context, that doesn't seem particularly constructive.

I agree with what you mentioned that sometimes your relationship with your children ebbs and flows and sometimes it is just easier with one child at a particular point in time. My guess is that is what is behind your body language.


Best,
EE

 

Re: Favorite child Sigismund

Posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 20:33:13

In reply to Re: Favorite child antigua3, posted by Sigismund on January 23, 2009, at 15:01:31

Great question, and I was expecting it.

I don't know really what she thinks anymore. She announced recently at a family dinner party that she is her father's favorite. (Huh? My husband agreed w/her, but says it was all in fun play, but I think she was serious.) Why has this all come up now? Very interesting. It has all come about kind of separately, but there must be a connection.

My daughter feels like she can't compete w/her older brother--he's smarter than she is, she says, and she recently has come to the misbegotten conclusion that her younger brother is even smarter than she is. Not true at all.

We've discussed it a million times--she has an emotional intelligence that far surpasses her older brother; she's a much more well-rounded person than his obsessive nature will ever allow. She plays sports and does really well, so she has her own things to be proud of. She does really well at school, but doesn't feel she can't match her older brother, and that's just a fact. Learning comes easily too him w/o much effort while she has to work very hard.

But that's off the track. My pdoc is not aware of this general situation; he was reacting based upon a conversation that included a discussion of my two older children.

The party line around here is that the oldest is my favorite because he's the oldest; my daughter is my favorite because she's my only daughter; and the youngest is my favorite because he's the youngest.

antigua, who thinks maybe this belongs on parenting, but this whole thing was inspired by my pdoc so pls don't move it.

 

Re: Favorite child raisinb

Posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 20:36:01

In reply to Re: Favorite child antigua3, posted by raisinb on January 23, 2009, at 13:49:28

I don't think it's a matter of caring more about one child; it's that I have a perceived favorite that bothers me so much.

I'm certain I'm not making this distinction very clear.

I don't know, maybe they do mean the same thing.
antigua

 

Re: Favorite child DAisym

Posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 20:37:08

In reply to Re: Favorite child antigua3, posted by DAisym on January 23, 2009, at 17:08:22

You're right.
antigua

 

Re: Favorite child Emily Elizabeth

Posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 20:43:15

In reply to Re: Favorite child, posted by Emily Elizabeth on January 23, 2009, at 18:11:28

I don't remember how he jumped to this outspoken conclusion. I'll have to think about it.

I don't think this is an ebb and flow thing. Maybe I speak about them differently, but it has never been that one child has been my favorite.

Now i'll crawl back into my cave.

antigua

 

Re: Favorite child antigua3

Posted by DAisym on January 23, 2009, at 22:36:37

In reply to Re: Favorite child DAisym, posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 20:37:08

Come out, come out, wherever you are...

Antigua,

I think you need to hear this loud and clear. Having favorite feelings for your children is in no way abusive. You are not your dad or your mom.

And it wasn't your fault that you were singled out and favored. I know, easier to say than to believe. I know when you bump into this kind of stuff it is amazingly painful.

You don't belong in a cave. Please don't go back there.

Gentle hugs,
Daisy

 

Re: Favorite child antigua3

Posted by Dinah on January 23, 2009, at 23:08:39

In reply to Re: Favorite child Sigismund, posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 20:33:13

My thinking is that the word "favorite" may be a loaded one. And that less emotionally laden terminology might be better.

Let me qualify this by saying I'm talking very generally here. I could not possibly comment on anyone in particular since I have absolutely no knowledge whatsoever of particulars.

I only have one child, so it's never come up with me as parent, only with me as child. But I can't even imagine not having differing degrees of affinity for different children. It seems nearly impossible to believe that all those mothers out there manage to avoid that.

I did a quick google search and found this...

http://www.babble.com/content/articles/columns/badparent/Playing-Favorites-I-Like-One-Of-My-Kids-Best/index.aspx

I may have mentioned that I devoured parenting books, and I know I've run across this topic. And what I recall is... It's ok. It doesn't mean you love one better than another, or that you sacrifice the wellbeing of one for the other, or that you aren't a great mom to all your children. It just means that the mesh of personalities is better.

If the taboo was lifted, maybe moms wouldn't be so scared to admit what seems logically to be a very likely occurrence.

The important thing isn't your feelings. Feelings are nice, and feelings are interesting. But it's your actions that matter. Remember the study quoted in that article said that eighty percent of older mothers admitted to having favorites, but only forty percent of children can accurately identify that favorite. One of my favorite sayings is "Love is a verb". In that sense, I'm sure you love all your children equally. They're all special to you. They are all dear to your heart. And your love isn't something limited that needs to be spooned out "equally" on a plate like a portion of macaroni and cheese. Love just doesn't work that way.

Enjoy your son. Enjoy your daughter. Enjoy your other son. It isn't a competition.

And... I'm not quite sure how to put this. And I suppose it's my own philosophy based on what was drilled into me when my son was in Montessori. And partly on my experience of being the smart one while my brother was the one who made friends easily. But I'll do my best to describe what's in my brain, and forgive me if it doesn't quite sound on paper like it sounds in my brain.

It is as irrelevant to one sibling how well the other sibling does in school as it is irrelevant to another sibling how easily the other makes friends. One is not defined in terms of the other just because they are siblings. If a teacher or someone compares one to the other, I think it's totally fair to say "We're not talking about Johnny. We're talking about Sue. How is Sue doing in terms of achieving her potential." If one compares him or herself to another, I think it's fair to say the same thing.

I think the natural thing to do is to try to compensate, to find other qualities that the other child is "best" at. But that still leaves it a competition with winners and losers in various categories, and IMO it really isn't.

Just my two cents, from one of those expert parents of siblings because they have only one child. So take it for what it's worth. In the end, I have absolutely no experience.

 

Re: Favorite child

Posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 0:00:43

In reply to Re: Favorite child antigua3, posted by Dinah on January 23, 2009, at 23:08:39

I get what the article says, but although there may be certain affinities w/one of my children, that doesn't mean he/she/he is my favorite, or the fact that he/she/he is easier or more difficult affects my core sense of love for each of my children.

I think maybe it's more about how I have raised them, so it may sound like a favorite. As I've said, as I've grown as a mother, I've learned lessons not to repeat, and to respect each one for their distinct, wonderful gifts. I thought I was doing a good job at that, but I guess I was wrong.

I could compare all three from a million different angles as the woman in the article does in finer detail and it still wouldn't change the facts as I see them, and I'm clearly seeing them wrong, which is why this distresses me so much.

If truth be told, my daughter would probably say my oldest is my favorite, and my youngest would say he is. I've never known how to be a proper mother to a girl. She didn't come w/a roadmap, and I guess I've been winging it a lot. I grew up w/brothers and a sister that truly, truly hated me, so I've always been more comfortable with boys. But it doesn't mean I love my daughter any less. I'm just less sure on how to be a mother to her. My mother was missing from my life for all my teenage years so I had no role model, so I guess I've been making it up--and wrongly at that.

I'll stop now because I'm having trouble making myself understood. Maybe this all makes me think I've failed as a mother if it's obvious to someone from the outside that I have a favorite. I know that when I deny something to this extent, there is some truth at the core of it and I will wrestle with that.

Thank you everyone. Maybe I'm putting too much faith in the observations of a faulted man. That would be par for the course. Why should it bother me so much? More fodder for therapy.

It's funny that this would come up in therapy one day and then a few days later for my daughter to pronounce that she is her father's favorite. I didn't mention this conversation w/my pdoc w/anyone until I posted here, so obviously, w/my older son home, something was readily apparent that I was oblivious to. I also think that my younger children have seen first hand how distressing it is to me to have a child leave home for good, really. Not that he won't be back to visit, but this is no longer his "home." He's making his own home, now, and I'm very happy for him, no matter how sad that may make me feel.

But it will happen again, when my daughter leaves home, in a different way and under different circumstances, and I will be stronger for this experience now, but it won't change my love for her, make it stronger or weaker, it just will be what it is.

My T and pdoc have pointed out how difficult this transition is for a mother, but I guess I underestimated it. Somehow this is all tied together but I haven't figured out how yet.
antigua

 

Re: Favorite child DAisym

Posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 0:03:34

In reply to Re: Favorite child antigua3, posted by DAisym on January 23, 2009, at 22:36:37

Thank you, but again, I don't think I have favorite feelings for any one of my children. I know I'm being dense about this, but this hardened stance is providing me some type of protection that apparently I'm not willing to give up, yet.
antigua

 

Re: Favorite child antigua3

Posted by Dinah on January 24, 2009, at 0:24:07

In reply to Re: Favorite child, posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 0:00:43

I understand the frustration that comes from feeling like you're having trouble making yourself understood. It's a difficult medium sometimes.

I'm sorry if what I posted hurt you in any way. I'm very much in rational mode today, and may not have responded to the emotional content very well.

FWIW the phrase "grown up" means so much more to me than it would say in the dictionary. It is layered with meanings that I understand but can't explain. And that my therapist grasps in large part, but not completely. Maybe the term "favorite" has personal meaning to you that neither I nor your pdoc understood in the way you meant it? It's perfectly understandable. We grow up with words being used in context so that, for example, "profligate" may be defined as "wildly extravagant", but in useage it has shadings of meaning such that you might use one in some circumstances and another in another circumstance. I think words can come to have those same shadings or layers of meaning from personal context. Which it sounds as if you already realize of course. So forgive me if I restate the obvious.

 

Re: Favorite child antigua3

Posted by Sigismund on January 24, 2009, at 0:56:10

In reply to Re: Favorite child Sigismund, posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 20:33:13

It's likely that any parent will find differences in how they get on with particular kids.

Certainly that is what I have found.

Still, as a parent you have a job to do, and you express your love (or duty? goodness me!) for your kids by doing that job as well as you can.

Just like any person in therapy wants to know
'what do you really think of me? Do you really love me?'
so our kids want to know about our feelings.

I realise this is a bit of a tangent, but I have 2 kids.

When I told my daughter she was the smartest person in the house, she looked at me very carefully.

 

Re: Favorite child antigua3

Posted by DAisym on January 24, 2009, at 1:24:25

In reply to Re: Favorite child DAisym, posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 0:03:34

Did not mean to imply that you did, indeed, have a favorite. I guess I was just trying to reassure you that you are OK - or trying to convey that I really do understand what a trigger all this is. I respect your assesment of your own family.

I hope I didn't make this harder. It wasn't my intention.

 

Re: Favorite child antigua3

Posted by wittgensteinz on January 24, 2009, at 7:39:16

In reply to Favorite child, posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 10:17:05

Just my gut instinct: I don't see how a discussion of 'favouritism' is relevant or useful unless there is a clear inbalance of love and/or an unfairness or inequality in the way you treat your children.

Of course, each of your children is a different person with their own strengths and weaknesses and as a parent you will react differently to each child, so that already makes the question of 'do you have a favourite' very difficult to answer or make sense of (in my view). It seems only a useful question when the parent treats his/her children differently in unfair ways or when one child is being constantly compared to another and not given the freedom to be their own self. To me it sounds like you value your children as individuals, you see their strengths and weaknesses and you love them each just as much. I think that's the best any parent can do for her children and it's something to be proud of. Please don't go into your cave! Be proud! The question from your pdoc seems very loaded and provocative - I'd be angry too if I were asked such a thing (and I don't even have children!).

The reason I write what I do is this: my mother's clear favourite was my brother. I was always compared to him - always told "why don't you do things how X does? He'd never have done what you just did" etc. we were punished differently, spoken about differently to my mother's friends etc. and it was taken to an extreme and was very difficult and confusing for me. My father by contrast could relate better to me but that never prevented him from showing my brother and I the same degree of love. Likewise, he didn't discriminate against my brother (unfortunately he was never able to put us before my mother and that's where he 'failed', but that's a separate matter). I think that's the important difference. Even if you can relate to one child over the other (not saying you do) but that when it comes to love, treatment and valuing the individual these things should be equal.

Witti

 

Re: Favorite child Dinah

Posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 14:31:13

In reply to Re: Favorite child antigua3, posted by Dinah on January 23, 2009, at 23:08:39

Hey,
First, I was by no means offended by your post. I'm feeling much better today about all this--maybe my mind was working hard while I was sleeping!! so pls don't ever worry about what you post to me. I know that you always have the best of intentions.

Re-reading this thread, I caught this from your post. Now, pls, pls don't think I'm picking on you because I'm not. It's just that you brought a lot to this discussion that has helped me think about things in a different way.

"It is as irrelevant to one sibling how well the other sibling does in school as it is irrelevant to another sibling how easily the other makes friends."

In my experiences w/my kids, this is so not true. My kids went to a small private K-8 school, and it really wasn't until my oldest was out of there that my daughter felt confident enough to start to express her own "smartness." While the teachers tried not to compare her, and told me so, they couldn't be unbiased. Now, obviously, other factors could have been in play here, but intellect was the primary focus and my daughter refused to participate until her brother was out of there.

To add to that, we moved my youngest son out of the same school to a public school magnet program for the same reasons, really. He felt like he was under enormous pressure to compete w/his older siblings intellectually. He had no problems in actually competing, it was the pressure he put himself under that was disturbing, and he has been much happier as a face in the crowd and has stopped thinking he has to be Number 1 all the time.

I actually had one teacher at his old school say it was a good idea to move the youngest--and there's quite an age span here--because it would be very difficult for him to follow in the steps of his older brother! (Another reason to have moved him: rigid teachers w/their own issues!)

Kids. What creatures. I imagine mine in therapy when they're older, decrying all the mistakes their poor mother made, when all she was trying to do was not repeat the ones her parents made. But then we make our own problems. All I do know is that my kids are emotionally healthier and happier than any of my siblings are (were) and that's more than I ever could have dreamed of. I make mistakes, just like everyone else, but in the long run I know I did my best.

This is so interesting thinking of it from a parent's perspective, especially since so many of us here discuss our parents and the difficulty we have relating with them today.

Thanks Dinah. Oh, I should show my bias--my sister was always the "smart" one AND the "pretty" one, and that belief has stayed w/me to this day. Now I recognize that was my mother's interpretation and I've chosen not to accept it, but it was still incredibly painful growing up.

love,
antigua

 

Re: Favorite child antigua3

Posted by Dinah on January 24, 2009, at 14:40:50

In reply to Re: Favorite child Dinah, posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 14:31:13

My son was telling me about a contest for the world's greatest parents last night, and I confessed that I didn't think I was eligible to be in the running. And that I hoped one day he'd look back and think his mom and dad loved him and did their best with him. And to remember that when he thought of all the many mistakes we no doubt made.

Not that he was proposing to enter us for that title. :)

Then we all sat around the dinner table and did lines from TV and movies related to perfect families, and enjoyed a good laugh.

 

Re: Favorite child Sigismund

Posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 14:42:21

In reply to Re: Favorite child antigua3, posted by Sigismund on January 24, 2009, at 0:56:10

Interesting. I could never say one is the smartest, no matter what I think. And, actually, I couldn't say it because they're all smart in their own ways and have their own strengths. (I mean, are we talking grades and/or SAT scores as some kind of measurement? There's so much more that goes into it, like being able to function well in society, no matter how "smart" you are. Darn, there I go again, qualifying everything so I never have to be definitive.)

Hmm, maybe it was because intelligence was so prized in my family growing up. A lot of competition there w/six kids. My mother didn't have that flair (or the time or energy, probably) to point out our distinct, outstanding qualities :) so it was a free-for-all.

Actually, everything was competitive growing up because my father was an extremely competitive man.

I think I'm getting somewhere here.
thanks,
antigua

 

Re: Favorite child DAisym

Posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 14:50:31

In reply to Re: Favorite child antigua3, posted by DAisym on January 24, 2009, at 1:24:25

No, you didn't say anything wrong at all. Obviously, this is a huge trigger for me and just recognizing it will be helpful for me. Families of origin can be so difficult to deconstruct and having this discussion hurts in a way, but I know it will be helpful.

It's a balancing act of discovering how I came to feel this way with understanding how I treat my children. I'm OK w/it today because I think the real work right now is to understand why this triggers me so and how it all came about.

I think my kids are safe on this one for a little bit. I don't think I've done too much damage yet (oh, my poor oldest, all the expectations I placed on him! oh well, he'll have to figure that one out himself. Actually, I think he has; we've talked it through several times.)

So I still have my wonderful, beautiful daughter and my really great younger son in my clutches. It's time for a re-tooling of my parental skills, and I can already hear my daughter saying, "Mom, this ISN'T therapy!"

Thank you for helping me to accept that it's OK for me to feel this way, and more importantly, to have the guts to explore why.
antigua

 

Re: Favorite child

Posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 15:04:47

In reply to Re: Favorite child antigua3, posted by wittgensteinz on January 24, 2009, at 7:39:16

> Just my gut instinct: I don't see how a discussion of 'favouritism' is relevant or useful unless there is a clear inbalance of love and/or an unfairness or inequality in the way you treat your children.

Great point. This is how I was viewing favoritism--that there was an imbalance that I wasn't conscious of--and that is what was distressing me for many of the reasons I've already discussed. Maybe it shook my confidence in my parenting abilities, but I'll be OK.


> The question from your pdoc seems very loaded and provocative - I'd be angry too if I were asked such a thing (and I don't even have children!).

I wish I could remember the context. Funny thing how my memory doesn't work when I'm trying to block something out, but I'm going to grill him when I see him on Monday.


> The reason I write what I do is this: my mother's clear favourite was my brother. I was always compared to him - always told "why don't you do things how X does? He'd never have done what you just did" etc. we were punished differently, spoken about differently to my mother's friends etc. and it was taken to an extreme and was very difficult and confusing for me. My father by contrast could relate better to me but that never prevented him from showing my brother and I the same degree of love. Likewise, he didn't discriminate against my brother (unfortunately he was never able to put us before my mother and that's where he 'failed', but that's a separate matter). I think that's the important difference. Even if you can relate to one child over the other (not saying you do) but that when it comes to love, treatment and valuing the individual these things should be equal.
>
Well, I can say that when I was a kid, we were all punished in the same ways (violence, really, and extreme emotional and verbal abuse), but there was a varying intensity in how "justice" was meted out. I may not have been swacked as hard as my brothers, but I had my own private hell that they weren't part of. A lot of guilt for me, really.

As to my kids, the punishment does vary, given the kid and the circumstances of the crime. Not that I've had to really do it much, but I have to admit when I've had to, it has been big, but not violent or abusive.

I'm sorry you had to grow up that way. It must have been very difficult.
antigua

 

Above for witti...plus..

Posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 15:49:41

In reply to Re: Favorite child, posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 15:04:47

Wow, I just caught something in what I wrote. I said that I considered my abuse to be how my "justice" was meted out, when in fact it wasn't justice at all, it was something I in no way deserved.

thanks! I wouldn't have caught it if you hadn't made me think of it.

I love babble. There is nowhere else I can go where I know people understand what I've been through and offer ideas and constructs for me to think of that I would never come up w/on my own or even in therapy.
antigua

 

Re: Favorite child antigua3

Posted by rskontos on January 24, 2009, at 20:10:46

In reply to Favorite child, posted by antigua3 on January 23, 2009, at 10:17:05

Antigua,

I can relate to this. I often was told I was the favorite of my mother's and boy if that is being the favorite I would rather been the unfavorite!

I too strived hard not to have a favorite with my own children. My children have often said that my son is my favored and my son said I favor my daughter. I think that in times of stress each child perceives the grass is greener on the other side.

Each child has their own strengths and their own quirks. Each child will have their own things that will set each parent off. I think the bond between each child and parent will be unique. So for me I have celebrate each stage and how we are close and then gritted my teeth and tried to be patient when we did not agree.

It is tough to be quiet when they try to be their own persons and move outside your comfort zone to be people that you as a parent can't understand. And sometimes you might not like them as they do that but that doesn't mean they suddenly aren't your favorite.

Now I am sure I light up more when I speak about my daughter in certain instances because I understand her actions and behavior because it is more like my own, and the same for my son. And sometimes both elude me because I find their behavior baffling. But my p-doc said that is good because you gave them the strength to move past the point that your parents gave you. You were a better parent so of course you will not always understand them. In short, he gave me permission not to always understand them so I would not necessarily light up then. I would appear more cautious or even confused. That is ok.

I feel now I have a great relationship with both. But sometimes it is rocky because one is trying on being a man. And that is tough for both of us. And one is trying to be a woman. That has its own struggles. But I love each for the wonderful qualities they each have and their quirks too. Neither are my favorites.

I probably would feel like you if someone said XXX is your favorite because I have worked hard not to have one.

I would not worry about his opinion. In your heart you know how you feel. That is enough.

rsk

 

Re: Favorite child rskontos

Posted by antigua3 on January 24, 2009, at 20:37:39

In reply to Re: Favorite child antigua3, posted by rskontos on January 24, 2009, at 20:10:46

Thanks so much. You explained it very well. And you're right: who cares what my pdoc thinks. I think I'll ask him which one of his children is his favorite and watch him squirm. (Of course, he probably won't squirm; he'll have a completely rational explanation, but I'll point out the pitfalls of what being a "favorite" was for me.)
antigua


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