Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 847181

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Why?

Posted by Cal on August 19, 2008, at 9:15:56

I had these feelings of rage inside of me that I keep having to swallowing. I picture T sitting in her chair and her non reaction to my rage and that makes me feel even more rageful. Why? what is it I want her to do or say? I can't finger it exactly. The more she just "takes" my rage, the more rageful I am. Its like I need her to attack me, to hit me. Perhaps then I can make her not mean so much to me? I don't know, but its painful. Even posting about it is very hard.

 

Re: Why?

Posted by Tabitha on August 19, 2008, at 11:34:37

In reply to Why?, posted by Cal on August 19, 2008, at 9:15:56

It does sound awfully uncomfortable. Why do you have to swallow the feelings though? Sounds like you have found a place where it is safe to feel them. For me, I find the most awful feelings are sometimes less unpleasant when I quit fighting them.

 

Re: Why? Tabitha

Posted by Phillipa on August 19, 2008, at 12:58:23

In reply to Re: Why?, posted by Tabitha on August 19, 2008, at 11:34:37

An analogy I think it's called. It's not about me but the feeling. Like in nursing if a patient died you swallowed the pain so you could continue with other patients. It's not good to do leads to burn out and unresolved issues. Just something I thought might help. Phillipa

 

Re: Why?

Posted by backseatdriver on August 19, 2008, at 14:03:40

In reply to Why?, posted by Cal on August 19, 2008, at 9:15:56

Cal,

I'm sorry about what you're going through. It sounds so frustrating.

It *is* frustrating to want to connect and to believe that your effort to do so will be somehow negated by the therapist, instead of being *addressed* in a way that makes you feel connected and relieves the frustration.

BSD

 

Re: Why?

Posted by Cal on August 19, 2008, at 14:32:41

In reply to Why?, posted by Cal on August 19, 2008, at 9:15:56

I found this old message in the archives and it says it so much better then I could, Is this person still around??

In reply to Negative transference/anger at therapist, posted by LG04 on June 6, 2004, at 11:53:38

> Hi, I wanted to ask if people here have experienced intense negative transference towards their therapist. Or intense anger. I am feeling SOOOOOOOOO angry at my therapist, I feel in a way that I hate her and I can never trust her again and on and on. Part of it is that she disappointed me, I feel that she wasn't sensitive about something that was very important to me and, in my opinion, to our relationship. And I am so angry about it ( and a few other things she has said in the past month that bothered me ) that i feel sick to my stomach all the time.
>
> We started to talk about it last session but I was so angry I could hardly speak. And also I am afraid of being so angry at her, that I will hurt her feelings or she will get defensive or get mad at me, etc. Which she said puts her in a corner because when I say I am afraid of that, then she really "can't" be any of those things (mad at me or hurt or whatever). Which also made me mad that she said that, I just wanted her to say, "i promise i won't be mad or hurt or defensive, just tell me what you are angry about." instead of saying that we can handle however she reacts.
>
> i feel like i want to be able to tell her ANYTHING, even if i am enraged at her, and that she will be unflappable and won't have an emotional reaction towards me. but she says that then she isn't in a real relationship with me, that people react when someone says they are very angry at them for something they did or didn't do, and if she doesn't have an emotional reaction, then we aren't really in an intimate relationship. and that what's more important is that she can get frustrated or mad at me and i can get frustrated or mad at her and we can talk about it and work thru it and that our relationship can withstand it and i can know that she will not leave or abandon me or hold anything against me and she will still love me, which is not something i was able to experience with either of my parents growing up. and that THAT'S true intimacy. she also said that people who love each other sometimes get angry at each other. it's part of loving someone. I told her i just want the good stuff, the loving feelings, and not the other stuff.
>
> what do you all think of those things?
>
> anyway i was reading on the internet last night about negative transference and i did realize that some anger is from that, is from a deep pit of anger towards my parents. and also, as some of you might remember, i am STILL waiting to find out if i am going to be staying here in israel or leaving for america for good, but either way i am going to america for the summer and so i also know i am having intense separation anxiety and that always creates tremendous anger in me. (like when she goes on vacation. it's the same even if i am the one leaving for vacation).
>
> yet some of it is also real. i am seeing her again tomorrow and am so angry that i sort of want to cancel. i want to say "f*** it" about this whole relationship. i can't handle the disappointments or mistakes she makes sometimes. (what i see as mistakes). i want to just tell her everything that makes me angry and has made me angry at her even though i know it will hurt her feelings. i sort of want to push her away. i want to tell her that i hate her and that i don't trust her not to hurt me. (i know what she'll say...that she would never intentionally hurt me, but that in intimate relationships we do UNintentionally hurt each other sometimes). Again, it's part of being in an intimate relationship.
>
> at the same time i don't want to tell her anything b/c i don't want her to have the satisfaction that i even care that much. even i am infuriated that i am so infuriated, that i care this much.
>
> i am overwhelmed by the intensity of my anger towards her.
>
> anyone experience this with someone whom they otherwise feel is a good therapist and towards whom you normally have a good relationship with? what happened? were you able to work thru it? what do you make of this? it's so upsetting for me. i haven't called her in 5 days which is the longest i've ever gone without calling her between sessions.
>
> LG
>
> p.s. sorry so long and rambling.

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Re: Why? Cal

Posted by raisinb on August 19, 2008, at 17:51:52

In reply to Why?, posted by Cal on August 19, 2008, at 9:15:56

Hi Cal--
I know how you feel. I felt (and still do, sometimes) *intense* rage towards my therapist for a couple of years. Sometimes I was afraid I'd break a tooth from grinding them, I got so mad when I thought about things she did.

I guess she saw that I had anger issues pretty early, because she started pushing me to express it. And did I ever. I yelled and screamed and cursed and berated her for months. We often got into fights, and yes, this was way more satisfying to me than when she'd just withdraw and refuse to react. Somehow, for me, fighting was a way towards intimacy. And all the anger was like a signal of how sad and hurt and alone I was. It frustrated me that she didn't see this, and I still think she could've done a better job with that. I'm sure it's hard to "see beneath" the surface of someone who's criticizing your every word and movement, though.

We have worked through the worst of it, but it was very tough for months, even years--on both of us. Anger is a hard emotion for anyone--even therapists--to handle. And you don't know how your therapist will react until you start expressing it. But I guess the only thing I'd say is that you will not get anywhere by not expressing it. If it's there, you can't ignore it.

I listened to The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner a few weeks ago. She says that anger is a signal that you're compromising too much of your self in a relationship. In a therapeutic relationship, you might be doing this based on old patterns, and your therapist might be doing things that help that along. It is enormously productive to analyze all of this stuff, even though it's hard. Intense emotions present big opportunities to work through things that need to be worked through.

Take care of yourself. Intense, unexpressed anger is a terrible thing to deal with. You feel so helpless and insignificant. I hope you can start expressing some of this to your therapist and she can help you with it.

 

Re: Why? Cal

Posted by susan47 on August 30, 2008, at 12:17:16

In reply to Re: Why? Cal, posted by raisinb on August 19, 2008, at 17:51:52

Maybe you sense something like maybe that she lied to you about something; I becamse very angry with my therapist when I sensed his lying to me, and things went off the rails quite quickly after that. I could never get a sense of his honesty, and I became unable to look at him in session, and my rage was expressed as sorrow when I started phoning his answering machine. (Long history here)


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