Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 805666

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Words out loud can be so hard (got long)

Posted by Racer on January 11, 2008, at 2:36:19

In therapy today, I said something about myself which others have said of me, but I've never taken in. It was so hard, and I cried -- and kinda hyperventilated -- over saying it. My therapist was proud of me, even though I really only kinda half said it...

Some of you know that I knit and do other crafty sorts of things. I also sew, spin, etc. (Daisy and GG have seen me in clothes I've made for myself -- Daisy a dress and a skirt, GG at least a skirt and maybe a sweater-top?) For Christmas, I usually make gifts for my family, and I've sent socks to a couple of people here. I often hear back about how amazing that is, etc, but I always deflect that.

The other day, it struck me -- I was thinking about a woman I know, a more experienced knitter who only knits from patterns. She carries around a huge printout for everything she knits, with stitch patterns charted out, increases and decreases for all the shaping, etc, all printed out. This is someone I actually think of as a much better knitter than I. Well, whatever else I think of myself and my abilities, I don't use patterns when I knit -- I just make it up myself. After years of hearing how "talented" a "designer" I am -- even having the owner of a yarn store asking me to teach design classes for her -- I've never thought of what I do as anything approaching "designing." My self-concept does not include characteristics such as "imagination," "talent," "creativity," etc. The other day, though, it finally sunk in somehow -- I am creative, and not only in the technical sense of being someone who creates things. I *do* have imagination, and then the T word cropped up.

That's what made me cry today. I managed to say that I have imagination and that I do have creativity. But when the last word came up, I couldn't quite say it -- I finally choked out "... and I do have some talent." (My psychoterrorist was still quite proud of me, although she pointed out that I couldn't say, "I am talented," which is the goal she's set for me on that one...)

What got me, though, was how hard it was to say it. I tried so hard, and choked, and cried, and only managed to get any of it out by sheer force of will. Why on earth is it so hard for me to say that? It's a good thing, it's not as though I'm admitting to being unkind to animals, or laughing at the less fortunate. It's not as bad as admitting to some of the terrible things that I've done in the past that haunt me even now. This was a simple set of words, praising myself for something I had finally taken in about myself. I believe it, I think...

Maybe that's it? Maybe it's as simple as fear that I'll be contradicted if I say it out loud?

The funniest thing about all this is that I am a fairly confident knitter. When someone stares at what I'm doing -- which happens fairly frequently, when I'm around other knitters, and they often have bemused expressions on their faces -- I very rarely think it's because I'm doing something wrong. I usually think that anything they're looking at to criticize is just something they haven't figured out is a better method than they use... (In other words, I may be a little arrogant about knitting... Not a good trait, but...) So, it's not lack of confidence in my ability, really. So why is it so hard to say it out loud?

And for that matter, why can't I take credit -- which I still can't -- for "designing" what I knit, rather than just saying I "make it up?"

Has anyone else experienced something similar? Inability to say something good about yourself, even though you've heard it from others and have even recognized it yourself?

 

Re: Words out loud can be so hard (got long) Racer

Posted by star008 on January 11, 2008, at 3:26:35

In reply to Words out loud can be so hard (got long), posted by Racer on January 11, 2008, at 2:36:19

I did the same thing actually but couldn't say I have talent in the end.. It probably would have made me cry to accept somethng so wonderful as talent to be somethng that I possess.. I could say that I was creative And have imagination but teh word talent I still can't accept.. Good for you!! You must have something others see if they watned to to teach classes.. I can't knit more than scarfs..lol..Try to accept it for yourself.. yahhhoooo Racer, you got talent.. Tht is a wonderful thing.. If you are like me you aren't used to describing yourself or the things you do in word as great as talent.. Try to take it in and beleive it.. One thng at a time might lead to somethng else you can accept about yourself..Something else good!! I can imagine how hard it as to say to someone else. YOU said something really great about yourself to someone else!! I don't know but I suppose that tht was a big step for you too... bravo!!

The word design is essentially the same as I made it up,( I think) maybe without the graphs and stuff but if made it out of your mind then you did design it. go for it.. be a desiger with talent..At least know it in your head and your heart..A good thing..

 

GOOD JOB RACER! It is Hard! (nm)

Posted by JoniS on January 11, 2008, at 8:51:22

In reply to Words out loud can be so hard (got long), posted by Racer on January 11, 2008, at 2:36:19

 

Re: Words out loud can be so hard (got long) Racer

Posted by Poet on January 11, 2008, at 13:53:12

In reply to Words out loud can be so hard (got long), posted by Racer on January 11, 2008, at 2:36:19

Hi Racer,

Your psychoterrorist should be proud of you and you should allow yourself some self pride, too. I think that your recognition of the qualities that others see in you, even without saying the "t" word is a big leap in self-worth.

As for others who have an inability to say something good about themselves, I have thought many times of changing my posting name because I rarely write any poems and the ones I do are not worthy of reading. Though I don't know that because I won't let anyone, including my T, read them.

Keep believing in your talent, there I said it, and that you a good designer, because it is true.

Poet

Former Poet

 

Re: Words out loud can be so hard (got long) Racer

Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2008, at 19:48:06

In reply to Words out loud can be so hard (got long), posted by Racer on January 11, 2008, at 2:36:19

I'm really becoming struck, as I interact with others, how big a role our families play in that sort of thing. Did your mother discourage your verbal expression of pride in what you do?

As you've probably noticed, I've never outgrown the childish glee at being clever or adorable or whatever, and am always free with my expression of that. Although I don't recall how they encouraged it, I'm thinking my parents must have in some way.

For whatever reason you find it difficult, I think it's great that you were able to do it! I hope one day you are able to find innocent delight in saying "I'm wonderful, aren't I" and looking to find the amused affirmation in a "parent"'s eyes.

 

You nearly made me cry Dinah

Posted by Racer on January 11, 2008, at 20:58:55

In reply to Re: Words out loud can be so hard (got long) Racer, posted by Dinah on January 11, 2008, at 19:48:06

>
> I hope one day you are able to find innocent delight in saying "I'm wonderful, aren't I" and looking to find the amused affirmation in a "parent"'s eyes.

Somehow, this was very powerful. Probably because that's part of my grief -- that I'll never have that parent, that Good Enough Mother, and I'll never have a chance to be a mother of any quality.

My mother strongly discouraged pride, and still does. I can judge how well she likes something I've made her by how much hostility I can feel radiating off her when she sees it. She also modeled a lack of pride -- "Oh, I'm glad you like it -- I can see all the mistakes." My aunt is the same way, only a little more needy on wanting to get praise for her work. With my aunt, I've told her to stop -- "You know you do good work, and it's OK to say so." And I did practice last year, after sewing a bunch of dresses and skirts, saying, "Thank you. I worked hard on it, and I think I did a good job." And then *not* pointing out any problems or sloppiness.

I guess I'm getting there. I just hope I like it when I arrive...

 

Re: You nearly made me cry Racer

Posted by Dinah on January 11, 2008, at 22:17:50

In reply to You nearly made me cry Dinah, posted by Racer on January 11, 2008, at 20:58:55

(((((Racer)))))

 

Re: Words out loud can be so hard (got long) Racer

Posted by Daisym on January 12, 2008, at 20:37:16

In reply to Words out loud can be so hard (got long), posted by Racer on January 11, 2008, at 2:36:19

What I find amazing is how easy it is for us to dismiss or refuse to acknowledge what seems so evident to others. Your ability to knit and sew (and write) is a great example of this. You are right - I have seen your work. And I'm so envious of your ability to make stuff and then you get to wear ORIGINALS. You won't ever run into anyone wearing your outfit. (I hate it when that happens!) I'm really proud of you for acknowledging that you do this well.

I think Dinah has a point about parents glowing with pride over our accomplishments. But sometimes there is too much glow and then we are held constantly to an impossible standard. We start down playing things because the pressure is too much. I often want to say, "just because I managed to do it right this time, doesn't mean I knew what I was doing." I describe it as the "fraud syndrome." I keep waiting for people to figure out what a mess I am and how if not for luck and others, I'd have no accomplishments at all.

I'd also like to point out, very gently, that you do have the ability to mirror pride for kids. I know you've done it with different children who've been in your life and for sure you've done it with kids learning to ride. Learning self-esteem comes from lots of places, not just parents. So never underestimate the impact you've had on someone else's kid.

I'm glad things are turning around some Racer. You deserve an easier 2008.

 

Re: Words out loud can be so hard (got long) Racer

Posted by Kath on January 12, 2008, at 21:07:47

In reply to Words out loud can be so hard (got long), posted by Racer on January 11, 2008, at 2:36:19

Hi Racer,

I experienced something SORT of similar. This Nov at our Guild's pottery sale.

Usually I sell about $240 worth of pottery. I do hand-building (not using the wheel). I make jewellry & lots of other things. I hope to SOMEday get a photo link of some of my stuff.

I can get pretty excited about some of my stuff & I get excited if I make more money. At a sale, I have a 'comfort zone' of selling 9 items. Once I sell 9, I can relax. I usually end up selling WAY more than that.

So THIS Nov, a lot of people came to the sale & potters did very well in their sales.

The sale is Thur, Fri & ends Sat at 5 pm.
On Fri nite I was "on duty" & added up my sales in a slack time. I'd made $600! Unheard of! I phoned hubby & was SOOO excited.
So, when I sent in near the end of the sale Sat & added up my sales I'd sold over $750 worth of my pottery! Was I excited? Nope. I got a huge "kick in the stomach" feeling. I felt really upset for at least 4 days, if not more. I was almost ashamed inside myself.

When I went to a doctor who I see for energy-type work & told her, she smiled & said, "Oh - so you're worth $600 but not more, eh?!"

I am now comfortable AND excited that I sold 60 items. It still seems totally impossible that I made that much money & sold that much stuff.

I don't really understand it. If someone said to me, "you're a talented potter!!" my mental reply would probably be, "well, people seem to like my stuff".
I make different things from lots of the other potters. One thing I make that's different is jewellry. This year a new potter had a WHOLE table full of jewellry. I got REALLY insecure. I felt that the only reason my jewellry was selling was that I was the only one making it. But this year I learned that that wasn't true.

I still haven't sorted the whole thing out.

When I read that you don't use patterns I was blown away! THAT is true TALENT!!!!!!!! And yes, it's designing & you're a designer!
And I don't use a pattern either! So I guess I'm a jewellry designer, in a sense....and THAT feels like a ridiculous thing to say. LOL

Aren't we silly?!

love, Kath

 

Re: Words out loud can be so hard (got long) Poet

Posted by Kath on January 12, 2008, at 21:09:49

In reply to Re: Words out loud can be so hard (got long) Racer, posted by Poet on January 11, 2008, at 13:53:12

Ihope you don't change your name and Oh Dear, I wish you'd let us read one.

((((((((((you)))))))))))

luv, Kath

 

Re: Words out loud can be so hard (got long) Poet

Posted by Racer on January 12, 2008, at 21:29:55

In reply to Re: Words out loud can be so hard (got long) Racer, posted by Poet on January 11, 2008, at 13:53:12

> ... and the ones I do are not worthy of reading. Though I don't know that because I won't let anyone, including my T, read them.
>

Wanna know the corollary to that? I've been afraid you'd let me read your poetry, because I am afraid I don't have the ability to appreciate it enough! I'm always afraid I don't "get" poetry -- I love the poetry I read, but it's older style. I love Auden, Housman, Brentano, Heine, Millay. But the newer style? Forget it -- I just don't get it. And, being me, I know it;s something lacking in me.

So, not letting me read your poetry works for both of us -- symbiotic neuroses!

xoxo


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