Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 804024

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On the edge

Posted by annierose on January 3, 2008, at 16:13:53

Today was my first session back after a two week Christmas break.

After the appointment, my anxiety level sharply increased. Nothing "happened" during the actual appointment. She was nice and all of that stuff. But I feel like that appointment opened up so much stuff --- even though nothing particular was said or explored.

I myself do not understand the source of the anxiety. I want to call her, but what would I say? I do see her again tomorrow. Maybe I'll figure it out by then.

This is the group of feelings I hate so much. My heart is racing and I just want it all to stop. I can't settle myself.

 

Re: On the edge

Posted by star008 on January 3, 2008, at 17:43:14

In reply to On the edge, posted by annierose on January 3, 2008, at 16:13:53

I think u are probably right. the session opened stuff up but you aren't quite sure what that stuff is yet..At least you can see her tomorrow and talk things out..Did the two week break have anything to do with it?? Essy for me to say but try to relax and know that the things you need to work on will come up..

 

Re: On the edge annierose

Posted by lovelorn on January 3, 2008, at 18:09:08

In reply to On the edge, posted by annierose on January 3, 2008, at 16:13:53

I wrote a thread on therapy hangover. I have a session coming up in a few days after almost three weeks break. I am not looking forward to it for the same reason, feeling on edge and a bit too opened up to certain feelings and thoughts again.

>I myself do not understand the source of the anxiety

What I find helps when I get a bit 'off' after a session is thinking about it at bed at night. I identify my feelings and try to make the associations of the source and kind of "therapize" myself with the use of visualisations and explanations and understanding. I also use the time to comfort myself with the same things if I need that too.

Hope tomorrow's session leaves you feeling better and less on edge.

 

Re: On the edge annierose

Posted by Fallsfall on January 3, 2008, at 19:27:56

In reply to On the edge, posted by annierose on January 3, 2008, at 16:13:53

I think that when I can't go to therapy for a while that I protect myself by building a little wall. Then I start feeling safe in my wall. But when I do go back to therapy I know that the wall is being breached, and that is scary. I have to remind myself that it is OK to be vulnerable with my therapist. Does this sound like what is going on with you?

It is hard to come back after a break. Always.

Good luck tomorrow.

Love,
Falls

 

Re: On the edge Fallsfall

Posted by annierose on January 3, 2008, at 20:21:13

In reply to Re: On the edge annierose, posted by Fallsfall on January 3, 2008, at 19:27:56

Yes, this is exactly what I'm feeling. Thank you for putting this into a sentence for me --- it provides some structure. How weird is that?

Everytime she asked me a question, my skin began to bristle. My brain was saying, "HEY - what's going on here? I thought we were done with this stuff."

 

Re: On the edge annierose

Posted by Dinah on January 3, 2008, at 20:24:45

In reply to Re: On the edge Fallsfall, posted by annierose on January 3, 2008, at 20:21:13

I was about to say that I thought Falls was absolutely right. :)

I hope tomorrow goes better.

 

Re: On the edge

Posted by Daisym on January 3, 2008, at 21:39:59

In reply to Re: On the edge annierose, posted by Dinah on January 3, 2008, at 20:24:45

If I remember correctly, you were headed into some pretty hard stuff when the break came. So "reentry" means picking up that flashlight and daring to go down that road again.

I also know, that for me, at least, that I wanted to hear from my therapist two things: 1) I missed you too and 2) I didn't forget you while we were on break. It is really hard to have to ask these things straight out - although I know a very young part "escaped" today and wanted to know if he still believes "her" and if he forgot everything I've told him. He said no, but perhaps it was really hard to reconnect yesterday because I had to forget - it was too hard to hold all my stuff myself - but forgetting is terrifying, it makes me numb and remembering is painful and I want to rage at him. So there is so much conflict.

Didn't you want to simultaneously throw your arms around her and yell, "don't leave me ever again!" and cross your arms, turn your back and sulk - "you weren't there when I needed you."

Therapy is so hard. The second day is better though. Getting back into the grove just takes time.
Hang in there!

 

((( annierose ))) (nm) annierose

Posted by muffled on January 3, 2008, at 22:14:38

In reply to Re: On the edge Fallsfall, posted by annierose on January 3, 2008, at 20:21:13

 

Re: On the edge

Posted by Dinah on January 4, 2008, at 9:20:13

In reply to Re: On the edge, posted by Daisym on January 3, 2008, at 21:39:59

It's funny, Daisy, but that's the one question I've had in mind all week. "Did you forget me?"

Maybe post vacation misattunement could be helped a lot if they're trained to answer those questions *before* we ask.

 

Re: On the edge annierose

Posted by Bodhisattva on January 4, 2008, at 9:29:27

In reply to On the edge, posted by annierose on January 3, 2008, at 16:13:53

Perhaps this will be completely off the mark, but your situation has reminded me of some thoughts and observations I've made during my own life.

About 6 months ago I asked my doctor to add a test to my usual labwork (I am an insulin dependent diabetic so I see the doctor regularly). I'd been experiencing pain in my knee more and more frequently accompanied by stiffness in the fingers and so forth. I've seen this pain before in my mother who suffers rheumatoid arthritis.

Before the follow-up I became increasingly anxious over the results, especially since I have seen what it can do to a person's life. When the doctor told me that the result was positive, I seriously think time stopped. In that impossibly long moment, I saw the years of my mother's suffering become my own. The only thing I could think the entire rest of the visit was, "I'm only 23".

Once again, I may be entirely off here. But I think that there are two main causes of suffering for people. First are the answers to the question "What's wrong with me?" Waiting and hearing those things can alter your perspective on life entirely. Second, is the slow realization and final acceptance that we have almost no control over our lives. This is usually the greater of the two. All the break-ups, injuries, all the horrible and wonderful things that have happened. I've merely been one small part of the equation. Most of my life I've tried to fight that fact and force things to be the way I want them to be. And most of the time has only ended in frustration, depression, and anxiety.

I'm not sure if the same holds true for you. But I've come to realize any unpleasant feelings I may have, are of my own making. I haven't lived in your mind, or in your life, so maybe this will all be one irrelevant rant. But it seems to me so far, you are doing the right thing to explore the source of these things. Keep it up and keep in touch.

 

Re: On the edge Bodhisattva

Posted by annierose on January 4, 2008, at 13:12:16

In reply to Re: On the edge annierose, posted by Bodhisattva on January 4, 2008, at 9:29:27

I think we do have a good deal control over what we choose to do with our lives ... maybe not the deck of cards we were dealt but how we decide to play the game.

I'm studying "mindfulness" in my yoga practice and with books I'm reading. I think it's important to stay in the present moment. However, there is often old baggage that needs attention. To just ignore the feelings doesn't work. Eventually these issues work their way into my relationships with other people. How I decide to attend to the intense feelings and react or not "is" within my control. What happened to me already isn't.

I hope this made some sense. I'm at work and I keep getting interrupted (go figure) so I keep losing my train of thought as I'm writing.

 

Re: On the edge annierose

Posted by Bodhisattva on January 4, 2008, at 13:16:32

In reply to Re: On the edge Bodhisattva, posted by annierose on January 4, 2008, at 13:12:16

It makes perfect sense, and sounds like to me we are in agreement.

There is another thread in which Dinah has asked me some questions to clarify my point of view, if you'd like to check it out.

 

AnnieR how goes it? (nm) annierose

Posted by muffled on January 8, 2008, at 11:56:04

In reply to Re: On the edge Bodhisattva, posted by annierose on January 4, 2008, at 13:12:16

 

Re: Thanks for everyone's input muffled

Posted by annierose on January 8, 2008, at 20:41:33

In reply to AnnieR how goes it? (nm) annierose, posted by muffled on January 8, 2008, at 11:56:04

I'm not feeling as edgy - more sad - not sure if that is progress.

I have been able to explore this with my therapist. We have been working very hard on our style of communicating with each other.

Plus my sister has decided she wants nothing to do with any of her siblings (and that includes me) even though I was once the only person she would confide in. This is so upsetting to me. I can't even call her as she won't accept my phone calls. Yes, I could write. But I want to wait for some time to pass. She is obviously in a great deal of emotional pain (too long of a story) and it has nothing to do with me. So why is she eliminating me from her life?

In therapy today, my t reminded me that she was my "friend" (meaning - in my camp) and that I need to trust her and trust her feelings towards me are positive. Instead, I work really hard to examine everything she says to make sure every context is 100% perfect. If one word could be taken differently, then I go with that meaning. Yep, that sounds right.

Aren't you glad you asked?

 

Re: Thanks for everyone's input annierose

Posted by muffled on January 8, 2008, at 21:38:29

In reply to Re: Thanks for everyone's input muffled, posted by annierose on January 8, 2008, at 20:41:33

> I'm not feeling as edgy - more sad - not sure if that is progress.

*well extreeme anything sucks. So if its less uncomfortable...then I guess its progress...

> I have been able to explore this with my therapist. We have been working very hard on our style of communicating with each other.

*so..its going OK w/T mostly..the "T relationship"(ugh!) is good?

> Plus my sister has decided she wants nothing to do with any of her siblings (and that includes me) even though I was once the only person she would confide in.

*thats gotta hurt :-( I am sorry. I have 3 sisters, and sometimes, I guess its like with teens, sometimes you just have to let them know you care and are there for them, but thats about all you can do. Its hard to see someone you care about hurting. But as my T says, we need to come *alongside* them in their pain, rhather than try and take the pain onto ourselves or become too enmeshed in it, cuz then its hard to be helpful cuz we hurting too much then ourselves. If that makes any sense! I tend to muddle stuff up.

> In therapy today, my t reminded me that she was my "friend" (meaning - in my camp) and that I need to trust her and trust her feelings towards me are positive. Instead, I work really hard to examine everything she says to make sure every context is 100% perfect. If one word could be taken differently, then I go with that meaning. Yep, that sounds right.

* LOL! Well if it helps any you are NOT the only one. My T actually got almost angry w/me (in a joking sort of way)one time. She told me something about how she felt about me, then proceeded to lecture me about twisting her words around! She was VERY clear about what she said!!!! And she did NOT want me to walk away and change it in my head....as I am wont to do. I guess at some point, we build enuf trust, that we DO finally actually beleive that on some level they DO truly care aboput us and have out best interests at heart. But when you been burned B4, its takes time to build that trust.

> Aren't you glad you asked?

* Yup! I am!
I asked cuz I care. I read your posts Annierose and I like them.
So yes indeedy I am glad I asked.
I hope things can get a little easier for you soon as time goes by. In the meantime...try your best not to be twisting words like I do!!!
Take good care,
Muffled

 

Re: Thanks for everyone's input

Posted by Dinah on January 8, 2008, at 22:24:47

In reply to Re: Thanks for everyone's input muffled, posted by annierose on January 8, 2008, at 20:41:33

> Plus my sister has decided she wants nothing to do with any of her siblings (and that includes me) even though I was once the only person she would confide in. This is so upsetting to me. I can't even call her as she won't accept my phone calls. Yes, I could write. But I want to wait for some time to pass. She is obviously in a great deal of emotional pain (too long of a story) and it has nothing to do with me. So why is she eliminating me from her life?
>
> In therapy today, my t reminded me that she was my "friend" (meaning - in my camp) and that I need to trust her and trust her feelings towards me are positive. Instead, I work really hard to examine everything she says to make sure every context is 100% perfect. If one word could be taken differently, then I go with that meaning. Yep, that sounds right.

That does sound like a good thing to work on. It could be a painful way to live life, since in my experience even the people who care most for us say things that could be hurtful if we thought about it. I try to choose to be amused or to not notice. Do you find you have the same pattern with others?

And given your sister's behavior, was it common in your family of origin? Not that I'm one to talk. I'm not close to my brother at all.

It sounds like important, if painful work.

((((Annierose))))

 

Re: Thanks for everyone's input Dinah

Posted by annierose on January 8, 2008, at 22:39:14

In reply to Re: Thanks for everyone's input, posted by Dinah on January 8, 2008, at 22:24:47

I told my t today (when going over the play by play drama w/my sister) that I feel like I'm 12 years old again. All these emotions are flying all over the place and none of them make sense. It's very confusing. My dad was yelling at me (yesterday) when he was trying to compliment me on how I'm handling this rupture. As a child, when these types of events occured (I'm from a family of 5 children) I would escape to my bedroom closet and create my own safe world.

I find myself very depressed. At the same time, I'm also very sure of myself as compared to my youth. I know this is not about me. But I'm sad to live with the reality of what is happening to my family of origin. My t thinks this is a healthy perspective ... gaining distance.

 

Re: Thanks for everyone's input muffled

Posted by annierose on January 8, 2008, at 22:47:15

In reply to Re: Thanks for everyone's input annierose, posted by muffled on January 8, 2008, at 21:38:29

Your t's advice is very wise. I like the visual of being along side them in their pain ... I think that's right. My t reminded me of the same today, that she (my sister) is not my responsibility. I have 2 sisters and 1 brother (+ a brother that recently died in June). A big family. There is a ton of fall-out from my brother's death. I'm doing good with that. Thank goodness for my therapist. I think my feet are firmly planted on the ground. Now what?

Learning to accept that people are there for you and can be counted on ... that's hard for me. It isn't unique to my relationship with my therapist (I think Dinah asked that). I worry if I say or do the wrong thing, people will no longer like me and write me off completely.

I think that's why my relationship with my therapist may seem rocky on this board. I take one thought of hers (that I don't like) and run with that. Because "that" is more comfortable than the possibility that she really likes me (which she has told me time and time again).

Thank you muffled for asking. It feels good to be thought of and feels good to be writing all my feelings out. It helps me. Thank you.

 

Re: Thanks for everyone's input annierose

Posted by Dinah on January 9, 2008, at 10:06:20

In reply to Re: Thanks for everyone's input Dinah, posted by annierose on January 8, 2008, at 22:39:14

I think it is healthy to gain distance from families of origin that aren't very healthy themselves. It's astonishing that no matter how well I feel, fifteen minutes with my mother can change all that. So keep up the good work on that.

When you mentioned your sister, I thought of your brother's death. Mourning comes in all shapes and sizes. I'm glad you realize it's not about you so much as it is about her.

It's hard to respect someone's feelings about wanting to be left alone while still making it clear that the door is open and the welcome warm should they change their minds. Quite a tightrope.

I'm glad you have your therapist to help you figure it out.

 

Re: Thanks for everyone's input Dinah

Posted by annierose on January 9, 2008, at 17:55:10

In reply to Re: Thanks for everyone's input annierose, posted by Dinah on January 9, 2008, at 10:06:20

>>>It's hard to respect someone's feelings about wanting to be left alone while still making it clear that the door is open and the welcome warm should they change their minds. Quite a tightrope.

Exactly. And right now I don't want to talk to her if I'm just going to get slapped down. So I'm not sure I'm capable of a "warm welcome" but I certainly do not want to lose another sibling in my life.

She has had some medical issues crop up and I'm sure this is not helping her make rational decisions.

Thank you for your advice and support.

And yes, I'm thankful I have my therapist in my corner, even though it feels like I push her away more than I let her in.

 

Re: Thanks for everyone's input annierose

Posted by Dinah on January 9, 2008, at 21:42:01

In reply to Re: Thanks for everyone's input Dinah, posted by annierose on January 9, 2008, at 17:55:10

> >>>It's hard to respect someone's feelings about wanting to be left alone while still making it clear that the door is open and the welcome warm should they change their minds. Quite a tightrope.
>
> Exactly. And right now I don't want to talk to her if I'm just going to get slapped down. So I'm not sure I'm capable of a "warm welcome" but I certainly do not want to lose another sibling in my life.

I think maybe it's possible to combine warm welcome with strong boundaries. For example, I don't really appreciate hearing from my brother, because hearing from him in my adult life seems to end up somewhere I really can't be. But I've been clear that if he wants to open doors without strings, I'm always warmly welcoming to *that*. I don't know if the message has been adequately received or adequately sent, but I know that's how I feel and maybe I should be better at conveying it.

So it's entirely reasonable to not want to talk to someone only to be slapped down. But that doesn't mean you don't want to be warmly welcoming if and when she's willing to talk without slapping you down?

Sigh. Or that may just be what I tell myself. But I really do think that if my brother just wanted my company, I'd really be happy to have that relationship in my life and would be warmly welcoming.

Warmly welcoming with conditions? boundaries?

 

Re: Thanks for everyone's input

Posted by Daisym on January 9, 2008, at 22:58:58

In reply to Re: Thanks for everyone's input annierose, posted by Dinah on January 9, 2008, at 21:42:01

Siblings trigger feelings in us like none other. All those hurts and competing for parents attention. I'm glad talking to your therapist is helping. I imagine it is difficult too, since so many of our feelings about therapy and our therapist remind us of how we felt around our family. All those sibling clients!!

I'm glad you can hear that she likes you, even if you don't always believe it. You are a very likeable person.

 

Re: Thanks for everyone's input

Posted by Dinah on January 9, 2008, at 23:37:27

In reply to Re: Thanks for everyone's input, posted by Daisym on January 9, 2008, at 22:58:58

sibling clients, eh?

that explains a LOT.

(with regard to me at least)

 

Re: Thanks for everyone's input annierose

Posted by muffled on January 10, 2008, at 0:17:56

In reply to Re: Thanks for everyone's input muffled, posted by annierose on January 8, 2008, at 22:47:15

>I worry if I say or do the wrong thing, people will no longer like me and write me off completely.

*well FWIW. I am of the thot 'that he who is w/o sin cast the first stone'....love that saying I do. I live by it. And manoman I've had PLENTY of sin in my life, so I won't be chucking any stones any time soon....:-)

> I think that's why my relationship with my therapist may seem rocky on this board. I take one thought of hers (that I don't like) and run with that. Because "that" is more comfortable than the possibility that she really likes me (which she has told me time and time again).

* awww ((( annierose ))) that made me sad for you. But I completely understand. I am finally comming to the understanding that my T DOES in fact care for me. And frankly, at times its scares the crap outta me.
I hope you can get to a place where there can be acceptance of T's caring w/o fear. When I allow myself, it feels pretty good.

> Thank you muffled for asking. It feels good to be thought of and feels good to be writing all my feelings out. It helps me. Thank you.

*And thanks right back. I enjoy your posts :-)
Take care,
M

 

Re: Thanks for everyone's input

Posted by Dinah on January 10, 2008, at 9:07:01

In reply to Re: Thanks for everyone's input annierose, posted by Dinah on January 9, 2008, at 21:42:01

You know, after reading Daisy's post, I think I'm being oversimplistic.

I'm so emotionally detached from my brother that it's easy for me to set boundaries and yet be warm with him if he wishes to be friendly. Because no matter what, there are no deep complex feelings. The only time he can really press my buttons is by making me feel guilty or obligated about something I really practically can't help. I get very upset to be put in that position.

So I imagine our situations are different, since I doubt many people are quite so detached from their siblings.


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