Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 804412

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2 questions--hope thats ok!!

Posted by ladybugsmom on January 5, 2008, at 10:50:57

First, I want to thank everyone who answered my introduction and my first question. You made me feel very welcome!

I really like this board alot! I think that the journey thru therapy is a really hard road but it is very rewarding. It is very comforting to be able to come here and read that so many other people have the very same thoughts that I do and that I am not losing my mind!

My questions are:
1. Do any of you struggle with allowing grey areas into your life? I am a very black and white type of a person. I either trust you with everything or with nothing. I either love you or I hate you. I suppose the problem with that is that I shut alot of people out of my life and only have 1 or 2 really incredible friends that I truly trust. My T is trying to show me that you can trust people in levels and I am using him as my test. So he better not mess it up because if he does it will prove my point that there is no room for grey areas. It seems to create to much chaos. Things are either right or wrong to me. And that means I have to make really tough decisions sometimes. But that is how life is. My T thinks that I hold my boundaries too stringent and wont let people in. Which is why he recommended coming here--to try to start letting people in. And to start owning my abuse--because I hold it at arms length I suppose. So how do you let grey areas in and still keep yourself safe?

2. Do any of you feel a sense of security in any area of your life? My T asked me to make a list of what I wanted most out of life and my number 1 thing was that I wanted to feel secure in one area in my life. Just one. That does not seem like too much to ask for you would think. But it seems hard to feel. My husband is wonderful and he tries. But I only feel secure about 50% of the time. He says he would never go away. He will love me for always. And I want to believe him. But I have HUGE abandonment issues. And that affects that I think!

Thanks!

 

Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! ladybugsmom

Posted by lovelorn on January 5, 2008, at 11:30:18

In reply to 2 questions--hope thats ok!!, posted by ladybugsmom on January 5, 2008, at 10:50:57

>So how do you let grey areas in and still keep yourself safe?

What do you define as 'grey areas', or what does 'grey areas' mean to you? Are you always so 100% sure of what you think about yourself and the world and people around you? If not, then you live with grey areas. I think most of us do.

I tend to operate with firm values and ideas that are not subject to too much change. These are my black and whites and what guide me in my decisions and actions and thoughts. The rest is all grey area to be understood and to learn from just for their own or to further myself.

I'm not sure what your association is between grey areas and keeping safe. To me, keeping safe is a matter of practicing good judgement.

>and my number 1 thing was that I wanted to feel secure in one area in my life.

Hmmm. Security. Well, there is material/physical security and emotional/mental security. I think look to the reality of your life and the people in it. Are you doing those things in life that provide security in both respects? Do you have those things that provide the sense of security in those respects. And if you do, then you have to ask yourself why you still don't feel secure.

Keep in mind though there are few 100% guarantees about anything in life. We can only make decisions and include things in our life that provide security or at least the sense of it. Maybe that is the grey area you are concerned about. You are looking for guarantees where none can be provided.

 

Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!!

Posted by Dinah on January 5, 2008, at 11:33:57

In reply to 2 questions--hope thats ok!!, posted by ladybugsmom on January 5, 2008, at 10:50:57

I sometimes see things in black and white. But all too often I get bogged down in a muddle of greys.

I don't think that affects the fact that I have rather ironclad boundaries. And I like it that way. I'm not sure changing that is a goal of mine.

I have an enormous fear of abandonment, although not with my husband. Not because I think he loves me too much to ever leave me, but because I know him too well to think that he'd be able to reconcile leaving me with his view of himself. I'm not sure my fear of abandonment is unjustified. People do leave and people do die. And in the end anytime I love, I'll be hurt. My therapist says that loving someone and having them leave years after for reasons not connected to me is not a reason to fear abandonment. But I disagree. I always have to figure whether the reward is worth the pain. And at any sign that that pain is at hand, I tend to grasp close or turn and walk away before I can be hurt.

 

Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! ladybugsmom

Posted by lovelorn on January 5, 2008, at 11:59:33

In reply to 2 questions--hope thats ok!!, posted by ladybugsmom on January 5, 2008, at 10:50:57

>and my number 1 thing was that I wanted to feel secure in one area in my life.

Just wanted to add if you had to pick one thing, what would it be? You don't have to answer, except maybe ask yourself. Would it be a security in a belief, security in some material/practical sense, security in yourself, or security in a relationship(s).

 

Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! Dinah

Posted by Phillipa on January 5, 2008, at 13:27:01

In reply to Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!!, posted by Dinah on January 5, 2008, at 11:33:57

Geez I've always done the same better to leave then have them leave you is what I've always thought. Fear factor abandonment hurts so bad. Too bad to talk about. I swallow it maybe that's the constant indigestion? Phillipa

 

Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!!

Posted by Phillipa on January 5, 2008, at 13:29:04

In reply to Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! Dinah, posted by Phillipa on January 5, 2008, at 13:27:01

Back to topic so black and white is not borderline and what area ladybugsmom would you wish the most security in. Phillipa

 

Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! lovelorn

Posted by ladybugsmom on January 5, 2008, at 18:28:49

In reply to Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! ladybugsmom, posted by lovelorn on January 5, 2008, at 11:30:18

I think I tend to see the world in a very balck and white sort of way. I either trust someone with my life or not at all. So it takes alot of time for me to allow someone into my life at all. During a session with my T he mentionted that you can trust someone in levels. That thought had never occurred to me. That would be a grey area for me and would seem to cause some chaos. When would you know when that level stopped? It just really gave me something to think about. I think that that was when I really grasped that I am more of a black and white, one way or the other tyoe of person. And I would like to change that. But I also know that this way of thinking has kept me safe in the past. I also tend to pperate with very strict and firm values and ideas but I tend to let that fall into areas that maybe are not that important. And my T really wants me to work on letting go of the not so important ones and seeing that my world will still be safe when I do.
I think that as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse I always look for ways that I could have kept it from happening and so now I am over vigilant in every area of my life and that is where I have the association of it keeping me safe. Does any of that make sense?


As far as security, I try my best to only surround myself with the most supportive people that I can. When you are going thru therapy and working on issues it tends to make your world a little more shakier which tends to make things feels a lot less secure. I have been in therapy for 4 years so I think I am ready to start feeling secure again.
>

 

Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! Dinah

Posted by ladybugsmom on January 5, 2008, at 18:34:25

In reply to Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!!, posted by Dinah on January 5, 2008, at 11:33:57

I also like the fact the fact that I have ironclad boundaries. But my T seems to think that they may be in areas that are not really important in the bigger scheme of things--and he is right. But my fear is once you let one thing go it is always easier to let the next go as well!
I have lost many people as well, some totally unexpected, and others to sickeness. And it always hard not to feel abandoned. I heard a saying once and it stuck--You can only put into a relationship what you are willing to lose. I live by this alot.

 

Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! Phillipa

Posted by ladybugsmom on January 5, 2008, at 18:47:38

In reply to Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!!, posted by Phillipa on January 5, 2008, at 13:29:04

I really think in just being. I think therapy takes alot out of a person. I was abused by my minister, his wife and teenage son when I was 10. So that has shaken my faith. Which was my core. I have lost my best friend(to suicide), my father(car accident), grandfather (heart), family friend (bycycle accident), grandmother (cancer), miscarriage (20 weeks) all in the last 7 years -10 years. Plus coming to grips with the abuse. My mom has not dealt well with my dad dying and is now an addict who is living a life that is going against every moral thing that she taught us. It has just pretty much blown up my world. And just this last week my 50 year old uncle suffered a massive heart attack brought on by somesort of drug overdose. But I am blessed to have a wonderful husband, 3 beautiful daughters and a very patient and understanding T. I think I just feel stretched emotionally and sometimes I feel like I am walking high above the earth with no net below. So some security would be ok with me!!!

 

Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! ladybugsmom

Posted by Phillipa on January 5, 2008, at 19:32:08

In reply to Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! Phillipa, posted by ladybugsmom on January 5, 2008, at 18:47:38

Ladybugsmom I empathize with you. And you have so much on your plate. Sounds like being extra cautious is a very good thing for you. Please be gentle with yourself. I'm thinking of you. Phillipa

 

Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! ladybugsmom

Posted by lovelorn on January 5, 2008, at 20:07:30

In reply to Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! lovelorn, posted by ladybugsmom on January 5, 2008, at 18:28:49

>I think I tend to see the world in a very balck and white sort of way. I either trust someone with my life or not at all. So it takes alot of time for me to allow someone into my life at all. During a session with my T he mentionted that you can trust someone in levels. That thought had never occurred to me. That would be a grey area for me and would seem to cause some chaos.

I understand better what you are getting at. You kind have an all or nothing approach when it comes to interactions. Or, perhaps it's more a matter of control. You want all the control to keep yourself safe? There are different levels of trust to be had in interactions. And yet every new interaction opens us up to some measure of vulnerability, even if it is just online. Maybe try to approach new interactions with showing different sides of yourself. We tend to have different interests and according to those interests goes along a certain measure of both controlling ourselves and trusting the interaction. Maybe try to approach it with the idea 'what do I want give and get from this interaction' and find the balance of trust and control with that.

I read your other posts and I am sorry to read of your abuse and the losses and issues you have faced and are facing. I have some SA in my past too and can relate to the problems with trust, or more problems with letting people get close - the boundaries get messed up when you've experienced SA as a child. I think it is a question of boundaries and learning how to make them according to the interaction and relationship you are dealing with or are trying to create. Being assertive when someone tries to breach the boundary, but also permitting some trust even when it may feel uncomfortable as someone tries to get to know you. It's a matter of recognizing when someone is overstepping the boundary and a matter of recognizing when you are not allowing any room for closeness either. A give and take that can have very blurry lines sometimes.

> it tends to make your world a little more shakier which tends to make things feels a lot less secure.

Oh yes. Therapy does shake things up. You are lucky to have your husband and children to keep you grounded, though I am sure you may look at your life, including family, in different ways too as you progress and learn more about yourself in therapy.

I look forward to seeing you again on the boards.

 

Grey areas ladybugsmom

Posted by lovelorn on January 5, 2008, at 20:46:05

In reply to Re: 2 questions--hope thats ok!! lovelorn, posted by ladybugsmom on January 5, 2008, at 18:28:49

Just wanted to say on the subject of grey areas and feeling safe - whatever the area, you go in there with what you already know to be true and what seems safe to you - don't forget those things when entering grey areas, at the same time be open to learning something possibly good or something that will change your understanding in good ways and be prepared for learning something not so good. It's always a learning experience either way, one that you bring into the next grey area and so on, so that your confidence and ability to handle greys gets better.

There is a great quote which I think that can apply to grey areas we venture into. It is from Aristotle and goes like this:

"It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

My point being : you don't have to 'lose' yourself or necessarily be unsafe with grey areas.

 

Re: Grey areas)))Ladybugsmom

Posted by muffled on January 7, 2008, at 11:24:18

In reply to Grey areas ladybugsmom, posted by lovelorn on January 5, 2008, at 20:46:05

Therapy is HARD WORK, and it makes stuff harder sometimes I think, but then I guess it gets better...I hope.
My T says I think B&W sometimes.
There is no guarantees in this world...thats what I tell my kids.
Sorry your faith was so shaken. But churches are made up of 'people', and pastors are people, and people often fall far short of the mark.
Not all pastors are bad. Lotsa them seem to be, but not all of them.
Your pastor sounds evil, I'm sorry that happened.
But here you are, working away at living.
Good for you, your family must be very proud of you, and thankful that your trying so hard to be OK.
I am impressed by you as well.
Good luck to you on this journey.
M


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