Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 803451

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I'll try not to whine... (triggers..?)

Posted by JoniS on December 31, 2007, at 15:20:23

sadly, I keep checking my email hoping for a surprise from my T - just a simple "Happy New Year" or some quick blurb like that.

He never promised me any emails and has only done such things 3-4 times over the last 3-4 years.

He said that he couldn't "abandon" me while he is away, that it would be "unethical" I just love how he emphasized that it would be his DUTY to keep some contact with me.

The only thing we discussed regarding communication during his sabatical was that he said "call me after the holidays and we'll see if we can set something up" He also said something the week before like he could see me maybe once a month because "IT WOULD BE UNETHICAL FOR HIM TO JUST ABANDON ME". He said he will be around most of the time, just making 1 or 2 short trips over the next 3 months. Oh yeah, he also said I could write him a note, or journal and send it to him, or not send it to him. He said he would be checking his email once a week or so. (before sabatical he checked it immediately from his Blackberry - his choice)

I told him I will not call him over his time off, that I don't want to bother him. He knows that I hate to call him anytime. I used to email him, rarely - only when I was pretty lo, but I stopped that a while back. I was not getting any "relief" from his email response - and I told him so, I told him it will be snowing in H_ _ L before I email him again. He asked what I was looking for from him in the emails and I said I'm not sure, maybe comfort, or just a feeling of connection.

Couple weeks ago, after our last session I came home and wrote out a bunch of junk like 7 pages of what was on my mind - and mailed it. I didn't expect a response, just wanted him to know what was on my mind cause for the past couple of months I don't think we've really talked about any of it. I told him he was distant and I didn't understand why.

I am really sad, but I cant start crying right now so feelings got to go down under.

I honestly am staying as busy as I can and trying not to let it bother me too much. But it stinks and right now I really do hate therapy and hate the dependence it creates.

T would probably say this isn't love at all, to "posess" is not love. But it doesn't seem to me like a desire to posess, but love. Love hurts, especially when it doesn't love back.

(sigh)

 

Re: I'll try not to whine... (triggers..?) JoniS

Posted by DAisym on December 31, 2007, at 15:52:19

In reply to I'll try not to whine... (triggers..?), posted by JoniS on December 31, 2007, at 15:20:23

Oh Joni, you aren't whining. The sadness and pain in your post is so real and so clear. You sum it up so well when you say, "Love hurts, especially when it doesn't love back."

I'm guessing the distance you felt from you therpaist was all about him and the reasons he needed to take a sabbatical. I'm also guessing that you know that already. What really hurts, I think, is that there is all this other stuff going on for him, that you can not be part of, or help with, and yet it effects you greatly. And it reminds you in an inescapable way, that your relationship with him is very limited. I think I agree with not emailing or calling right now. He is obviously going through something and his responses may or may not be helpful. Speaking for me, I don't think I could risk the hurt if he didn't respond well. I'd rather keep missing him sadly, instead of angrily.

Sometimes, as much as it hurts, these are the opportunities to look at our lives and try to see what we can add in that will absorb some of these feelings. Nothing can replace the special bond and relationship, but what else can you do to create connections and add other caring people into your life? Can you turn some of this need towards your husband? If you think about all the work you've done with your therapist over the past 3 1/2 years - what have you learned about yourself that you can use now?

I know how painful this is. I know the dependency and the loving feelings. I also know that therapy sometimes highlights what is missing and only we can force ourselves out into the world to grab onto those experiences that will make us happy.

And we are here too. Write when it helps. You will get through this.
Gentle hugs,
Daisy

 

You so NOT whining........ JoniS

Posted by muffled on December 31, 2007, at 18:08:45

In reply to I'll try not to whine... (triggers..?), posted by JoniS on December 31, 2007, at 15:20:23

---you are allowing us to share your burden. Thats good, and I thank you for allowing us to do so. It feels good to help others when we can.
Sigh joni, this whole thing is hard :-(
I would feel very abandoned and angry too.
Heck I was fussing bout my T and its only been a coupla weeks.
I have had some VERY dissapointing emails/voicemails from my T. I have had some great ones, and everything in btwn.
I think the best mails are SHORT generally.
Just enuf to know she is "there", that mebbe she DOES give some kind of a sh*t.
I think most of us struggle with that.
Our T's know so much bout us...that for them to reject us...what does THAT say.....
Yup, it sucks.
Anyhow having read some of your postings Joni, you come across as a very lovely person. I expect your T DOES care, and proly is having his own struggles.
I can never understand how my T can just 'walk away'....
My ikids get so needy....arrggghhh.
So, I bet your T DOES think of you.
Maybe he too struggles with how to connect w/o hurt....
Its tough.
If it was me and my T....
UGH!
Well.
I guess what I have found with her, is that I worry so much that I am being pestiferous. But she has NEVER said 'back off', to me...in fact she has thanked me for being as careful of the boundaries as I am. I expect I MUST push the limits at times...like going crazy with emails, or one night I phoned her 3x, and I looked at my cell history, and she talked to me for nearly an HOUR.
But she never complains that I too much.
I think most T's proly DO care. I think your T proly does care.
I guess what I am thinking I would do if this was MY T. I think I would send her a mail that said I was doing OK, that I missed her LOTS, but that I am hanging in there OK, and I would ask if she could send me an email, and I would say, can you just keep it short and simple and nice, just so's I can know you are out there and OK and haven't dissapeared and forgotten me. But please, just make it SHORT and sweet.
My T has rarely phoned/mailed me spontaneously, I have to ask her to, or she will reply to my message/mail. She has phoned me when she was on holiday, but we discussed it before she left. So maybe if you do want T to connect, then maybe you need to ask?
Or mebbe its better not to?
I dunno.
Maybe it would be helpful for him to hear that you OK?
Maybe he would feel better to know you guys have 'touched base', even if it was just Hi.
For me, it calms down my inside kids, cuz they can't seem to hang on to her very well when she is gone.
So this is long.
I just feel for you and wish I could be more help.
(((Joni)))
M


 

Re: I'll try not to whine... (triggers..?) JoniS

Posted by Maxime on December 31, 2007, at 18:56:43

In reply to I'll try not to whine... (triggers..?), posted by JoniS on December 31, 2007, at 15:20:23

Sometimes it is best not to expect anything - then you can't be disapointed. Although I can understand why you are upset.

Just know that people here care about you. :)

Maxime

 

It's not whining!!! JoniS

Posted by Dinah on January 2, 2008, at 23:26:36

In reply to I'll try not to whine... (triggers..?), posted by JoniS on December 31, 2007, at 15:20:23

(At least I hope not...)

This sounds so like my therapist's absence. He is so awful at emails that I finally emailed him to please not email me any more.

So of course, he initiated an email a while after. Sigh. I guess he didn't realize that wasn't a storming off request. It was a "you're awful at email and you're upsetting me!" request.

He signs his full name. Can you believe it? He never uses his full name, not in person, not on the telephone, never. It's like he thinks I get a lot of emails from "first name" coming from his email address. Geesh. And the contents were along the same lines. Very stiff and formal. Yes, duty. Blech.

I can understand why you'd rather not set yourself up for that. I never would again.

It does hurt to love more than you are loved. My therapist hates it when I say that. (I substitute "care" for his sake.) He says you can't quantify that. But only the one who loves less can say that, I think.

Maybe it's ok to cry about that? Maybe it's ok to hurt and hurt and cry about that? Because it does hurt and it's worthy of tears. Tears honor how it feels. And I find it easier to accept a feeling once I honor it.

But that's me, and I think I think oddly about things sometimes.


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