Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 794258

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A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger***

Posted by antigua3 on November 10, 2007, at 10:13:52

This is rather personal, but....

The event that initally drove me into therapy all those years ago was that I lost a baby after an amnio test--a very unusual occurence. The needle was contaminated. Everything happened so quickly. I had a fever one night and the next day I was a good girl and called my dr. to report it and they said to come in to make sure everything was OK. Well, it wasn't. There was no heartbeat. I was alone and stunned. I had just had a miscarriage several months before, but it was nothing like this. The doctor wanted to deliver the baby right away, so my husband came as quick as he could and everything was taken care of that night and I was home in the morning.

I was hosting a wedding shower for my SIL the next day in my new home and I just had to bite my lip and get through the event w/o anyone except my immediate family knowing what happened. It was a horrible experience, and I blamed myself for maybe 8 yrs that it was all my fault. The dr. triggered the beginnings of my csa memories, and as I said, that's what drove me into therapy.

Last week I had to have outpatient gyn surgery. While I was worried about the outcome (everything seems to be fine), I found myself lying in the bed while I was waiting for the surgery (about 5 hrs!) and mourning the loss of my son (it took me 6 yrs to ask the sex of the baby). While everyone around me thought I was crying about the surgery, I wasn't. I really felt the grief and I let it out.

It is very weird, but having the surgery (different dr., but she was well aware of my hisotry) actually was very healing. I had people around me who understood me (my own dr. had lost a child once), cared for me, and helped me through what otherwise might have been a terrifying experience for me.

So, it took me 17 yrs. I will do something special for this lost child; I'd even given him a name w/o realizing it; and will let go. The argument that has always run through my head is that well, if that hadn't happened, I never would have my daughter, etc. etc., but I never thought it was ok to separate the two experiences out. It doesn't make me love my daughter any less--I am thrilled to have a daughter--but I see now that I can appreciate and love my daughter fully while loving this lost child at the same time.

I don't know why I wrote this to you all. But you know me, the drive to write overpowers me.
antigua

 

Re: A healing experience for me***birth exp trigge antigua3

Posted by Dinah on November 10, 2007, at 10:32:02

In reply to A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger***, posted by antigua3 on November 10, 2007, at 10:13:52

That is beautiful.

I'm so glad you got a chance to grieve properly for the loss of your son.

 

Re: A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger*** antigua3

Posted by RealMe on November 10, 2007, at 13:31:13

In reply to A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger***, posted by antigua3 on November 10, 2007, at 10:13:52

Antigua3

This is so touching, it brought tears to my eyes. I cannot even begin to imagine what this was like for you. I have no children and only grieved what might have been years ago. But to have this happen.

It is interesting what drives us to therapy. Mine was developing all sorts of illnesses that triggered the csa and other abuse stuff. So, here we are working on stuff that we thought was long ago in the past, and it isn't. Take care, and I am thinking of you. Your daughter is very lucky to have you for a mother.

RealMe

 

Re: A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger*** antigua3

Posted by Phillipa on November 10, 2007, at 20:49:01

In reply to A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger***, posted by antigua3 on November 10, 2007, at 10:13:52

I can relate completely to you as I do have three children grown now but between two and three (please don't judge me extenuating circumstances no not cheating but a failing marriage) so I had an abortion marriage survived and I had a fourth pregnancy after it. I had wanted another Son so badly but this fourth was a girl. To this day I feel the third the aborted on was a boy and I grieve that thought but if I'd had that baby I would not have my Daughter. Tubes tied then. Was only 27. But I related completly in my own way. Funny having female surgery in January quite extensive wonder if it will bring back the memory of the child I never had? Never thought of that til I read what you wrote. Guess better discuss it with my therapist first. Thanks Phillipa

 

Re: A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger*** antigua3

Posted by littleone on November 16, 2007, at 4:04:09

In reply to A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger***, posted by antigua3 on November 10, 2007, at 10:13:52

It was sad to hear your story, but it was so lovely to hear of your new realisation. It does sound very healing. I hope the shift inside you brings you some much needed peace over this.

And I agree that there's nothing wrong with separating the two experiences out. In fact there's everything right about it.

I'm sorry about your little son. Take care.

 

Re: A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger***

Posted by Muffled on November 16, 2007, at 9:08:28

In reply to A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger***, posted by antigua3 on November 10, 2007, at 10:13:52

Your babaies were someone. They are someone to me, from the moment of ocnception.
I'm glad you can mourn the loss of your child.
I think it must be important.
The child was important.
I beleive the baby has been hard for you but proly helped you grow too.
Maybe you will meet one day this child.
Maybe.'
Depends on ones beleifs I guess.
Take care,
M

 

Re: A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger***

Posted by Daisym on November 19, 2007, at 23:26:04

In reply to A healing experience for me***birth exp trigger***, posted by antigua3 on November 10, 2007, at 10:13:52

Antigua,

My heart hurts for your loss but I am humbled by your tenancity to heal. I know the surgery wasn't fun, but it seems like it carried this whole other subtext to it. What a huge leap - to be able to separate two events that must have been linked up in your mind for a very long time.

The grief we carry with us can be the cloud that covers everything. I hope that you can complete this grieving process and it becomes a sad, tender spot in your heart, but one that no longer haunts you and feels incomplete. Do you plan to have a private ceremony - perhaps to name? And even though you say you need to let go, I think perhaps you need to tuck your love for this baby away in your heart instead.

Thank you for sharing.


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