Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 793450

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Blindsided this weekend,,dreading thanksgiving....

Posted by rskontos on November 5, 2007, at 15:01:20

Ok so this weekend I was blindsided by my H. We were going to the stupid football game that I tried to get out of (more on that later) and my H tells me that not only do I have to deal with dear old dad at thanksgiving but he is going to get his parents and bring them up for an extended visit of which he will be gone for business and I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I had already been dealing with suicidal thoughts all week and T had told me just tell him you can't go to the game. I dont do crowds. The game we went to had me switching back and forth with my angry teenager I guess that is who she is. I tried to tell him but I didn't win because me college aged daughter was coming home to go with us too. It was a family thing. Then while we were traveling up there he tells about bringing his parents up from his sister's home to visit the new house. His parents hate me. They have hurt me so much in the past that I am numb to them. And I am afraid what I might do or switch and God knows what might happen then. They are Greek and don't get me at all. They come from the old country and we don't speak the same language it is awful. My H also always sides with them. No matter what they do. I am so dreading this I am beside myself. I even thought about doing something to myself while they are here when he is gone but my son is here to and after the post that I think Daisym said about how it feels from the other side I couldn't do that to him. I can't make his childhood come even half way close to mine. But I feel betrayed by my H for doing this now when I am so close to the edge but of course he doesn't understand and of course his needs comes first. He refuses to understand how badly I feel now. He didn't live through a childhood like mine so no understanding exists in him. The problem with his family/parents is they undermine how I feeling in any situation and I had enough of that as a child. I refuse to take it now I am am adult and that will cause fights. How can I just take what they dish out and continue my own fight in life. Blindsided and blue now........rk

 

Re: Blindsided this weekend,,dreading thanksgiving....

Posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 15:29:31

In reply to Blindsided this weekend,,dreading thanksgiving...., posted by rskontos on November 5, 2007, at 15:01:20

(((RK)))
What does your T say to all this?
Can you try to be out of the house as much as possible?
Can you give yourself permission to 'switch' as needed to protect yourself? Who cares what the inlaws think? They'll be leaving....hopefully soon.
How do your kids do with the inlaws?
Is your hubby going to be away the whole time???
If so then why is he bringing them up?
To watch you?
Does he undertsand that it DOESN'T help?
Can you just leave for that time period? Go for a holiday? Stay with friends? Your kids are old enuf they should be OK on their own, or with the inlaws if they OK w/them.
I dunno what to suggest thats reasonable as I dunno all the dynamics involved.
I think it might be best to ask your T what they think would be your best plan of action on this.
Its a shmae for you to have to go thru with this if its so unhappy for you.
Keep in touch.
M

 

Re: Blindsided this weekend,,dreading thanksgiving....

Posted by rskontos on November 5, 2007, at 18:04:42

In reply to Re: Blindsided this weekend,,dreading thanksgiving...., posted by Muffled on November 5, 2007, at 15:29:31

Thanks Muffled. My T doesn't know yet. I don't see her until Thursday. I will try to give my permission to switch but now I don't have control over it. And usually anger or mad one as I call her comes out and boy is she is mad, scary mad. Yea, I don't care but sometimes hubby and I fight bad because of the in-laws. IN fact most of our fights have been over them. That is why I dislike them so much. He won't be gone the whole time, two days. But he works long hours and I will with them alone. He doesn't understand how bad I am and he doesn't know about the switching. My T and I haven't told him yet. She knows he won't believe me. And the times angry one comes out when he is around he calls me unrational etc.etc. Now that is thought but I couldn't leave my son with them because it would be during school and they can't drive. Thanks for listening and responding. You know it is just when you are trying to do yourself good and you feel like you are getting kicked while you are down. I mean between them and my dad, I am getting all my demons on me at one holiday. Man I must have been really bad to deserve this.........rk

 

Re: Blindsided this weekend,,dreading thanksgiving

Posted by arora on November 6, 2007, at 8:33:19

In reply to Blindsided this weekend,,dreading thanksgiving...., posted by rskontos on November 5, 2007, at 15:01:20

Gawd, that sounds like a horrible situation, Rskontos! I don't deal with family stuff at the best of times- but for hubby to go off and leave you with them is a bit much- bit like treating you like a waitress, really.

Is there any way you could invite someone for *YOU*... just to balance things out a bit, and make it a more bearable situation?
A friend who is understanding, and knows the situation? Who could act as a buffer between them and you? That might be a possible plan.

arora

 

Re: Blindsided this weekend,,arora....

Posted by rskontos on November 6, 2007, at 8:48:45

In reply to Re: Blindsided this weekend,,dreading thanksgiving, posted by arora on November 6, 2007, at 8:33:19

Arora, that is a good idea. I have a friend that is here that does know the situation maybe I will invite her for dinner or lunch to help buffer it. I wish my sister could stay longer while they are here but her kids must go back to school. I wish I could just leave but that would cause WWIII. You know it is because dear old H doesn't get what I am going through because his old brain is ok. Not messed up like mine so he doesn't get all the inner turmoil. It sucks when he listens to why I can't handle it right now and says it will be alright. It might be it might not but it doesn't help what I go through inside. Other people don't get the inner struggle do they? It isn't the situation and whether or not it turns out ok it is the inner struggle up to that point we go through........sure does suck......thanks for the support though...

 

Re: Blindsided this weekend,,dreading thanksgiving rskontos

Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2007, at 8:53:08

In reply to Blindsided this weekend,,dreading thanksgiving...., posted by rskontos on November 5, 2007, at 15:01:20

It seems a bit highhanded to invite his parents to come when he's not going to be there to entertain him. We have a strict no relatives in the home rule (god put motel six's there for a reason), but I imagine to him it's important to show hospitality to his parents. Which IMO would also mean his being there to show them hospitality.

I don't know what sort of relationship you have with your husband, so I won't suggest what would work with mine. :)

I really don't understand why your husband has a say in whether or not you visit *your* father. We divided family up firmly. My husband would have nothing but influence in suggestions concerning my family. Certainly not power. What difference does it make to him if you see your family?

Again, I don't know your relationship with your husband. I wouldn't say my relationship with my husband is strictly equal - I'd like to say it is, but I think the power goes more to him. But it is collaborative.

 

Re: Blindsided this weekend,,arora.... rskontos

Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2007, at 9:00:20

In reply to Re: Blindsided this weekend,,arora...., posted by rskontos on November 6, 2007, at 8:48:45

I think it's important to not blame all of this on your emotional condition. *Even if* we might be less emotionally resilient than some, our spouses can still ask of us things that reasonable people would not be willing to give.

I remember recently I was really beating myself up for my weakness in not being able to handle something, and was surprised to my tip top that my therapist and my temporary therapist both said they couldn't handle it either, and would make other arrangements.

I was thinking I needed to work my way to normal, only to discover that my reaction was perfectly normal.

I think your reaction is perfectly normal. And if it is possible in your family, I think I'd wait until after this Christmas to when no one was visiting and suggest family visit rules that apply to *all* family members not just his parents. Just a matter of fact, no blame no personalities, discussion about who has primary responsibility when a family member comes (i.e. the spouse actually related to them who they might be expected to have warmer feelings for), how decisions will be reached about invitations, etc.

(And maybe convert wherever they'rs staying to an exercise or sewing room?)

 

Re: Blindsided this weekend,,arora....

Posted by rskontos on November 6, 2007, at 9:15:25

In reply to Re: Blindsided this weekend,,arora.... rskontos, posted by Dinah on November 6, 2007, at 9:00:20

Dinah, thank you so much. I needed that because I was blaming how I feel on not being able to handle them when in fact from the beginning they have not given me a chance. We had "shot gun" wedding and they haven't let me forget it even 20 years later. I really don't like them the truth of the matter. And what my H did was tell me he was bringing them back from his sister's and then say Is that ok? Which isn't really a real question it is after the fact! And he did it in front of the kids so that I really couldn't say much. I would suffer through their visit because he has a right to his parents coming but not on the heels of my father when I just found out distrubing information about him and I am not sure how I feel. It will mean company for about 3 weeks solid with no break. Nobody wants that. HIs family nor mine really helps, it is like I am the diner--all three meals. He still doesn't get it about how he blindsided me. But thanks for the not blaming my emotional condition. I really needed that!!!!!!!!! You are my angel for reminding me not to blame everything on that. Thanks so much

 

Re: Blindsided this weekend,oops.Dinah

Posted by rskontos on November 6, 2007, at 17:16:34

In reply to Re: Blindsided this weekend,,arora...., posted by rskontos on November 6, 2007, at 9:15:25

sorry forgot to put your name in Dinah in response. thanks rk

 

Re: Blindsided this weekend,,arora.... rskontos

Posted by Dinah on November 6, 2007, at 17:59:16

In reply to Re: Blindsided this weekend,,arora...., posted by rskontos on November 6, 2007, at 9:15:25

I think it's not particularly unusual for inlaws not to care much for the people their kids married. Hence all the jokes. Try not to take it too personally.

It might be worth having a talk with your husband sometime when you aren't having guests anytime soon to come up with house rules for sleepover guests. So that it doesn't come up again, and so that you have an impartial guide to refer to when discussing having guests. "House rules" are less emotionally charged than discussions about parents.

I'm glad if anything I said helped. :)


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