Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 793044

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what to do when T doesn't know what to do?

Posted by sunnydays on November 2, 2007, at 20:18:52

Well.... he explained that that wasn't how he meant it. But he said, "sunnydays, I just don't know what else to suggest to you. You say the DBT stuff doesn't work for you, and none of my suggestions are potent enough to deal with this sadness you have." I freaked out that that meant he was frustrated with me and was going to leave me, and he explained that he was not going to leave, and he was just thinking out loud and should have been more conscious of the fact that that's one of my fears. He asked if he shouldn't say things like that.

I said, "Well, I don't know. I don't want you to get frustrated and leave right away and me not expect it." And he said, "I'm not going to leave right away, and I'm not going to leave slowly, sunnydays. I'm not going to leave. [pause] I'm not leaving. I don't get frustrated with you ever. If I do get frustrated, it's with myself, not ever with you." He explained he was just thinking that we needed to find some more resources for me that might help, but that he was absolutely not removing himself from the relationship.

But it scares me anyway. And I get so sad at nights, all related to this trauma stuff and I just get so overwhelmed and sad and anxious and memories and everything and don't know what to do. I've tried like every coping strategy I can think of.

I started crying really hard when it was time to leave because it never feels like enough time to say what I want to say, even though I go twice a week. After I calmed down a little he said, "That was a good cry. And you're coming back on Tuesday and I'll be here, and nothing's going to change about that. You're ok, sunnydays. You have people that care about you, and want to see you happy and feeling better. If you're sad, or scared, or angry, or happy, you're ok. You're ok." And somehow I managed to get out of the room.

I just feel so lost all the time it seems like. I hate trauma. Hate it.

sunnydays

 

Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do? sunnydays

Posted by Phillipa on November 2, 2007, at 23:19:23

In reply to what to do when T doesn't know what to do?, posted by sunnydays on November 2, 2007, at 20:18:52

What a kind and understanding therapist it sounds like you have. He sounds frustrated that he can't figure out the exact way to treat you through therapy . Sounds like you have a gem. Phillipa

 

Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do?

Posted by Daisym on November 3, 2007, at 0:23:33

In reply to what to do when T doesn't know what to do?, posted by sunnydays on November 2, 2007, at 20:18:52

I know how scary it is to hear those words. I think though sometimes we have to come to grips with the truth that no one person can "fix" us or take away all our sadness. As much as I want to just merge with my therapist and live inside his heart where it is safe, I know I can't. Slowly, very, very slowly, I'm learning to lean on a few other people. It is scary and very hard to force myself out into the world. But I feel better when I don't isolate myself. My pain eases, if only for a little while.

Coping strategies are not just for the really, really bad times. They need to become part of your everyday life. What makes you feel good? What makes you smile? Where do you feel safe? I know when I stop doing for myself all the things I know I need to do, I get worse. And then I cling to my therapist like a barnacle...and the need for him is overwhelming.

Your therapist can help you. But he can't magically erase your past, as much as I'm sure he wants to. And he can't take your pain from you or promise you a golden future. But he can help you help yourself. Which is great and stinks at the same time. It is sort of like the dilema of a toddler, isn't it? Moving away from mom means finding a big, exciting new world. But it also means missing mom. And it is scary as heck. But try to remember he is right there behind you, pushing you, cheering you on and waiting for you when you return to get filled up on safety again.

Hang in, you are doing the hard and necessary work. I'm just sorry it hurts so much.

 

Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do? sunnydays

Posted by muffled on November 3, 2007, at 1:01:54

In reply to what to do when T doesn't know what to do?, posted by sunnydays on November 2, 2007, at 20:18:52

SD. My T has been at a loss too.
We have tried the public 'system', but not successful.....
She has said she would like me to see p-doc, but I say, you know a decent one round here????
She has said maybe we can do DBT just you and me, I say to her...btwn you and me we don't got enuf continuity, which is the honest truth.
I truly beleive my T cares bout me, not sure WHY, but I beleive she does.
But I also know for a fact, and she HAS said so, that sometimes she doesn't know what to do.
She has worked for 'the system', she knows its not much good.
So she stays with me.
She hasn't abandonded me.
She says she is 'modelling' someone not dumping me, but being consistantly supportive....
And she has been.
And it helps.
Alot.
So while my T is sometimes at a loss as to what to do, she keeps trying, and I keep trying, and somehow we muddle along.
And so I feel safer cuz she's there.
And she hasn't run away.
Even though as she says, sometimes I'm....challenging....
So, maybe its OK SD.
Just like my T, your T not gonna run away so easy, cuz he cares for some reason.
And that counts for LOTS.
Sometimes, lotsa times, its felt like I getting nowhere....but then I progress some, then I take two steps backs, but then I jump ahead...steadily improving...though sometimes it is hard to tell.
Hang in there SD. Its gonna be OK.
M

 

Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do?

Posted by llurpsieNoodle on November 3, 2007, at 19:13:43

In reply to Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do? sunnydays, posted by muffled on November 3, 2007, at 1:01:54

sunnydays,
those words would terrify me. I'm glad that you had the guts to talk about it with him. I bet I wouldn't have!

trauma is rotten all around. you got it.

hugs, and sorry I cannot be more supportive. I'm not quite myself right now.

-ll

 

Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do? Phillipa

Posted by sunnydays on November 4, 2007, at 21:16:02

In reply to Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do? sunnydays, posted by Phillipa on November 2, 2007, at 23:19:23

> What a kind and understanding therapist it sounds like you have. He sounds frustrated that he can't figure out the exact way to treat you through therapy . Sounds like you have a gem. Phillipa

Thanks Phillipa. I think he's great too. :) I think he does get frustrated that the progress is so slow. He keeps reminding me though that it is progress, and it might just be that it's going to be a long, slow grade instead of a sharp spike upward. And that I am improving, and that he really wants me to be able to be happy.

sunnydays

 

Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do? Daisym

Posted by sunnydays on November 4, 2007, at 21:30:28

In reply to Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do?, posted by Daisym on November 3, 2007, at 0:23:33

> I know how scary it is to hear those words. I think though sometimes we have to come to grips with the truth that no one person can "fix" us or take away all our sadness.

**** Most of the time I don't want him to take away all my sadness. I just want him to be there with me and help me get through it. And I feel so alone in the sadness sometimes because it's just so deep and my friends don't understand. It's more wanting him to be there all the time because I know he understands most of the time.

As much as I want to just merge with my therapist and live inside his heart where it is safe, I know I can't.

**** I had a daydream a couple months ago that would come and go a lot of me just giving my therapist a hug and, like a ghost in the movies, just sort of dissolving into him and staying there where it was safe. I told him about it. That part of the session didn't go that great because he didn't really understand how I was describing it - it wasn't as clearly as it was here. But I liked that image for a while. It's gone now. A lot lately I've been remembering my sessions with me as a little kid sitting in his office, which is very strange for me.

Slowly, very, very slowly, I'm learning to lean on a few other people. It is scary and very hard to force myself out into the world. But I feel better when I don't isolate myself. My pain eases, if only for a little while.

**** That's good. I do have some very close friends that I tell almost everything to. But I can't really talk to them about the sadness. I've tried, and they want to help really badly, they just don't know how or what to say. And my therapist agrees that feelings this intense they just aren't going to be able to understand because they haven't been there.

>
> Coping strategies are not just for the really, really bad times. They need to become part of your everyday life.

**** So says my therapist. I just don't know what that means, though. The thing is, I'm a student, and I just study all the time. I don't have time to do hobbies, and joining clubs and stuff I've tried and then I always quit because it makes me anxious. I don't know how to integrate coping into my life. Deep breathing seems to be the only thing I'm any good at. Which is part of the problem. I see myself as having to be "good at" coping strategies.

What makes you feel good? What makes you smile? Where do you feel safe?

**** I feel safe when I'm in my room alone with all my homework done for the night. My therapist thinks that's the trauma because I feel safer by myself. Things that make me feel good: cooking (except that I can't do that here because I lack the space/equipment to do the stuff I want to do), walking the dog (that lives at home). I don't know what makes me feel good here. Really it's sort of unpredictable - a song on the radio or just waking up in a good mood. Sometimes if one of my friends is in a good mood.

I know when I stop doing for myself all the things I know I need to do, I get worse. And then I cling to my therapist like a barnacle...and the need for him is overwhelming.

**** I feel like it's really random and unpredictable for me when I feel good, so it's hard to know what will help me feel that way. My therapist and I have tried to identify things, and I do a mood rating thing where I rate my moods numerically a couple times a day and make notes of what goes along with it, but no patterns have emerged as of yet.

>
> Your therapist can help you. But he can't magically erase your past, as much as I'm sure he wants to. And he can't take your pain from you or promise you a golden future. But he can help you help yourself. Which is great and stinks at the same time. It is sort of like the dilema of a toddler, isn't it? Moving away from mom means finding a big, exciting new world. But it also means missing mom. And it is scary as heck. But try to remember he is right there behind you, pushing you, cheering you on and waiting for you when you return to get filled up on safety again.

**** It's that part that's hard. I just don't know how to trust that he'll be there when I look back, no matter how many times he tells me. And that's why I hate trauma.

>
> Hang in, you are doing the hard and necessary work. I'm just sorry it hurts so much.

*** Thanks Daisy.

sunnydays

 

Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do?

Posted by sunnydays on November 4, 2007, at 21:34:13

In reply to Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do? sunnydays, posted by muffled on November 3, 2007, at 1:01:54

> SD. My T has been at a loss too.
> We have tried the public 'system', but not successful.....
> She has said she would like me to see p-doc, but I say, you know a decent one round here????

**** Yeah, my new meds may finally be kicking in. But that's such a gamble, and it's definitely not all biological in my case.

> She has said maybe we can do DBT just you and me, I say to her...btwn you and me we don't got enuf continuity, which is the honest truth.

**** I did a DBT group. It helped some, but not enough. The coping skills just don't seem powerful enough to me.

> I truly beleive my T cares bout me, not sure WHY, but I beleive she does.

*** Good! I believe mine does too.

> So she stays with me.
> She hasn't abandonded me.
> She says she is 'modelling' someone not dumping me, but being consistantly supportive....

**** Yeah, my T says he is modelling for me what good parents are supposed to be like for me. Because mine were horribly inconsistent and unsupportive, and that's what's missing for me.

> So, maybe its OK SD.
> Just like my T, your T not gonna run away so easy, cuz he cares for some reason.
> And that counts for LOTS.

**** You're right muffled. It does count for quite a lot.

> Sometimes, lotsa times, its felt like I getting nowhere....but then I progress some, then I take two steps backs, but then I jump ahead...steadily improving...though sometimes it is hard to tell.
> Hang in there SD. Its gonna be OK.
> M

**** Exactly. My T said progress will be slow instead of being as sharp an improvement as we would like.

sunnydays
>

 

Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do? llurpsieNoodle

Posted by sunnydays on November 4, 2007, at 21:35:08

In reply to Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do?, posted by llurpsieNoodle on November 3, 2007, at 19:13:43

Thanks ll. No apologizing for not being yourself! It happens to the best of us... It's certainly unfortunate, but hang in there and you will get through.

sunnydays

 

Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do? sunnydays

Posted by Daisym on November 4, 2007, at 22:41:00

In reply to Re: what to do when T doesn't know what to do? Daisym, posted by sunnydays on November 4, 2007, at 21:30:28

Sunny,

I don't know that I know the nature of your trauma. Do you want to share it, or maybe just a little of it? It might help us here help you with some coping strategies. Are you able to process it during sessions? I know you journal some, does that help?


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