Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 792330

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llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life

Posted by llurpsieNoodle on October 30, 2007, at 11:37:11

"Bad Childhood Good Life"

A collection of my notes

Aim to be neither survivor nor victim, rather conqueror

Career victims "always unhappy, unbelieveably demanding of others, a big chip on the shoulder, propensity for spreading ill cheer"

Identifying with the past trauma-- believing that being a part of something negative makes them positive

The section I found eerily familiar:

"Sense of comfort and belonging- Some people stay stuck in destructive and negative thought processes and =behaviors just because it is the price of admission to belong to a group of "like" people. Staying stuck in the victim mode means "having company"; therefore , moving on becomes a threat of loneliness and emotional risk... There is a sublime status given to those who have suffered, as well as a neverending wellspring of compassion, understanding, affection and attention- that is hard to give up."

Childhood trauma excused and abolved them of responsibility for the damage they'd do to themselves or others.

 

Re: llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life2

Posted by llurpsieNoodle on October 30, 2007, at 11:39:01

In reply to llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life, posted by llurpsieNoodle on October 30, 2007, at 11:37:11

why we stay stuck in our emotional attachments to past trauma

1) identity
2) rewards
3) routine
4) revenge
5) dependency
6) excuses
7) avoid challenges
8) center of the universe
9) change is scary/hard

 

Re: llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life3

Posted by llurpsienoodle on October 30, 2007, at 11:43:19

In reply to Re: llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life2, posted by llurpsieNoodle on October 30, 2007, at 11:39:01

liberation from victimhood

1) look in the mirror. the truth will set you free. I am my own responsibility. The future is mine. Who am I? Am I pleased with myself?

2) Enduring the pain. instant, simple, quick fixes don't always exist. don't wait for the pain to go away before you start living your life. it never will completely dissipate

3) acceptance- accepting our pasts for what they are and to stop fantasizing that someone else must change in order for us to be happy

4) letting go- accepting that having less to talk about may feel worse at first

5) replace bad habits- think before reacting

6) reaching out- allowing others to see you, to really know you

7) spirituality- giving love to others, reaching outward not inward

8) perspective- get involved in charity, learn to know other's pain to understand the ways to move forward.

9)hobbies- opportunity for self-growth and self-esteem

10) attitude- we are what we wish for

 

Re: llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life3 llurpsienoodle

Posted by ClearSkies on October 30, 2007, at 12:30:39

In reply to Re: llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life3, posted by llurpsienoodle on October 30, 2007, at 11:43:19

My T and I spend quite a bit of time talking around this stuff. The "Loving What Is" book also touches on this, in the sense of what drives us nuts is trying to make others change. (The "if only's", and the "what if's" our heads keep asking.) What brings peace is accepting the reality of what and who we are. It's such a beautiful and simple concept yet our monkey brains do everything in their power to keep us in the fight, don't they?

Today I hope that both of us find a few moments of peace, and quietly enjoy them.

((((LlurpsieNoodle))))

 

Re: llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life llurpsieNoodle

Posted by RealMe on October 30, 2007, at 17:49:05

In reply to llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life, posted by llurpsieNoodle on October 30, 2007, at 11:37:11

And so what does this book say about people who have not viewed themself as a victim or survivor but have moved on with life and viewed the past as just that, the past. Then all of a sudden one day to be blindsided by all the trauma and become depressed. What then?

I still don't see myself as a victim, and I resist more than I should going back to the feelings of the past. So, though I remain functional, do my job, keep my career, I feel like sh*t now with all this past crap coming up and saying "HAH; you thought you were past this, well guess what!"

RealMe

 

Re: llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life

Posted by DAisym on October 30, 2007, at 18:47:14

In reply to Re: llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life llurpsieNoodle, posted by RealMe on October 30, 2007, at 17:49:05

The Universe is just weird sometimes...my therapist and I talked about the "Loving What Is" book today. I haven't read it, he has. We were talking about the difference between passive acceptance and personal power. You can accept what is, I think, and still use your personal power to effect change and move beyond hurtful or painful situations.

But the victim/survivor/conquerer things is much harder for me. I'm with Oz --- I never thought of myself as a victim and I sure as heck wasn't a survivor. I was just me - going on with my life and doing a pretty good job of it. And then WHAM - there it was. I talked about this in therapy today too. What was it, 4 years ago, that opened up this can of worms? Why then? My therapist talked about midlife crisis, which is very real for the psyche, as well as the external triggers that were happening. I asked him why he believed me -- sometimes it is hard for me to believe what I remember. He said it all fit and a bunch of other stuff. So now we just have to work through it and get to that acceptance part.

I think this is just one of those things that is irreducible. You can't simplify it into choosing to be a "victim" - you were, by definition. You don't get to choose being a "survivor" either - you are, by definition. As far as a conquerer, what does that mean? Because to me, that still feels like you are tied to the trauma, using it to define yourself.

And I can't help feeling that the reason people want you to stop talking about it, to stop thinking about it, or remembering, etc, is because it is too painful FOR THEM. They believe it would be better, because they think if you don't talk about it, it won't be so present for you. I think that can be true, but since abuse victims are usually made to keep silent, keeping the secret, not talking about it, keeps them isolated and alone. It is repressive - but I understand how utterly incomprehensible it is for most people so it is a natural impulse to want to avoid the subject.

 

Re: llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life3 llurpsienoodle

Posted by Phillipa on October 30, 2007, at 22:59:32

In reply to Re: llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life3, posted by llurpsienoodle on October 30, 2007, at 11:43:19

Li and that is what I will do kick my butt and move forward and not wait for anyone to help me. I am the only one who can help me so maybe I will leave this state don't like it never have. Phillipa

 

Re: llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life DAisym

Posted by RealMe on October 30, 2007, at 23:45:47

In reply to Re: llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life, posted by DAisym on October 30, 2007, at 18:47:14

Daisy

I am with you on this. My stuff hit me three years ago this coming January. I developed all sorts of physical problems--well I probably had them before but ignored them, but had to have 3 surgeries in 2005 with two of them being cervical spine surgeries. Got diagnosed with COPD, GERD, sleep apnea, basal joint something or other, later cataracts from the asthma med's, and on and on. I am not remembering them all and don't want to.

But I started to get really depressed, and WHAM all the stuff from childhood, adolescence, and early adulthood started to overwhelm me. I still resist getting into stuff. Who the hell in their right mind would want to get into the feelings that they had as a child while being abused, whether it be mental, physical, or sexual. And yet, this is what my T says I need to do so I can integrate the feelings with who I am now. We go back and forth between the past and the present, making links and looking at my strengths now too. It is damn hard work, and yet I don't feel like I am a victim, a survivor, or a conquerer. I am just me doing what I need to do. Period. The alternative is to stay depressed to the day I die and that could be sooner rather than later if I do nothing.

My T as I have said (for me) says that it is therapy that is the answer for me, not the ECT, and not meds. I think he is absolutely right. So, I try to manage the pits and the anxiety by my own means. With anxiety, I try to do some mindless activity. Depression, rather than crawl in a hole under the covers, I try to do something even if it is to stay up and watch a TV show that I could care less about. I still take 40 mg. of Parnate a day as he says not time yet to cut back. This can be a real bitch when you go to a party like I did tonight. I think I must have eaten something off limits as now I have a damn headache but not a bad one.

RealMe (Oz)

 

Re: bad childhood *possible triggers*

Posted by Dory on October 31, 2007, at 7:59:05

In reply to llurpsie's notes from bad childhood good life, posted by llurpsieNoodle on October 30, 2007, at 11:37:11

((((Llurpsie)))) thanks for the tip on the book, i am glad it brings you some measure of comfort

bad childhoods should not happen

no battering

no sex

no touching in bad ways

no emotional bondage

no belittling

no subtle means of mental control

no not subtle means of control

no guilt as a means of control

no shame

no fear of one's own family

no nightmares

no lack of acknowledgement

no lack of protection

no lack of validation


**ANY** abuse is abuse and none of it should happen. i know that statement might seem odd here, it's not meant toward anyone here, it's just important that i try to say it.. i need to understand that the things above apply even to kids that didn't get beaten or molested... there are many ways to significantly abuse a child without laying a finger on them

 

Re: bad childhood *possible triggers* Dory

Posted by llurpsienoodle on October 31, 2007, at 8:06:07

In reply to Re: bad childhood *possible triggers*, posted by Dory on October 31, 2007, at 7:59:05

sometimes it HITS ME, the enormity of what happened to me

your post made me cry for my lost possibilities

but I am resilient. I should be studied for my resilience. What do I have that has enabled me to form healthy relationships? What do I have that has allowed me to develop into a smartiepants? What do I have that allows me to give comfort when I received little?

you're right, of course. These things should NOT happen to innocents. These things are abominable.

 

Re: bad childhood *possible triggers* llurpsienoodle

Posted by B2chica on October 31, 2007, at 11:26:00

In reply to Re: bad childhood *possible triggers* Dory, posted by llurpsienoodle on October 31, 2007, at 8:06:07

i soooo often wonder this myself....

 

Re: bad childhood *possible triggers* Dory

Posted by B2chica on October 31, 2007, at 11:38:09

In reply to Re: bad childhood *possible triggers*, posted by Dory on October 31, 2007, at 7:59:05

i just dont even know how to reply....
except that...i wish that reading it didn't put a lump in my throat.
i wish that i didn't understand the depth of meaning behind each written word.
...every word...

>>>.. there are many ways to significantly abuse a child without laying a finger on them

although my 'mother' was not very physically abusive, there were so many other ways,...so many....the few times she did hit me...i was old enough, and soon angry enough to hit back. i know it sounds SO horrible, but there were truly times i wished she'd put bruises on my face so that people would believe me. so that SOMEONE...ANYONE, would have helped me. hitting me in the head never left marks, nor did her flailing limbs coming at me like wild birds.
...but how she hurt me most, was messing with my head so much. her word games/twists. her "freak outs", her drama, her extremes, her 'shut outs', her blaming me for issues in her marriage. her blaming me for....well everything, for aaallll the accusations of things i supposedly did and was then punished for. i was bad. brother was good. it was very clear in her eyes.
..and of course the neglect or just indifference when i was younger, which led to my abuse...physical and sexual.

this was more triggering than i thought.
but sometimes things need to be said.

i'm glad you said them.
i'm glad i said them.

thank you

 

Re: bad childhood *possible triggers*

Posted by rskontos on October 31, 2007, at 11:47:52

In reply to Re: bad childhood *possible triggers* llurpsienoodle, posted by B2chica on October 31, 2007, at 11:26:00

YOu know Llurpsienoodle, your postings really hit a chord with me to the point I was going to post about my T but havent been able too. We talked about my childhood and my T has been validating for me how bad it was. I didn't realize it until I looked at the old photos when I was memory searching. My eyes where dead. I realized I must have just created a mother that I thought was good because I didnt really remember her being bad as my two sisters did. ONe ran away at 17 and accused me of not protecting her from them our parents but hell I was only 22 months older how do you protect your younger sister when you are a kid yourself. Then my younger sister spoke of her very troubling memories and they didn't connect with my "created" ones since I didn't actually have any. Funny how when you dissociate as much as I did and fugue all over the place, I lost so much time I just made up stuff to fit what a "good mom" was. I told my T I was mad that I had no memories. The photos only told me how unhappy a kid I was as I had no joy or nothing in my face all through my life! How sad. I have been inviting my inners to let me see the memories. One night they came up closer, I heard voices and saw a pretty girl, I heard the angry one, I call her mad one. I don't mean crazy I mean mad. Last night I sat in a corner of my mind and they started to float up but my H said something and it all vanished and that was it. But back to the thread and what Dory and B2c says it has helped me too to have the T confirm the horrible state of things because I never realized how bad it was. It always was bad so I guess I either only knew that or I just dissaociated so much I was numb to it. Either way she woke me up to the real feelings I needed to have to start to grow up in my adult feelings. I am not sure I am making any sense. I am still locked inside me head and not sure I can make sense just yet. But thanks for sharing it is helping me as this is the hardest journey I have ever started on and I think I will be here for a while. I understand too that our IRL families don't get it nor can most friends except those in the same boat. Unless like T they have training to understand it. My T went through it herself so her understanding is real. She even explained why the past remarked antigua's pdoc made had some validity to it. Unless she really needs to talk about the past there is a point where a therapy needs to help you move on. It helped me understand how therapy works and was just enough to help me with it all and make sense. She said it in a kind way. Again I hope I am not rambling. Thanks again, rk*

 

Re: bad childhood *possible triggers* rskontos

Posted by B2chica on October 31, 2007, at 13:43:34

In reply to Re: bad childhood *possible triggers*, posted by rskontos on October 31, 2007, at 11:47:52

photos can be amazing things.
i found some old ones. it was interesting that before we moved to that small sh*thole town there were lots of pictures of me, all smiling, having so much fun...truly being a child.
it pains me to even remember those pics.

then i found only a handful of ones after we moved (age 6), it was not long after that, that the abuse started. any of the few photos i had. my eyes truly look hollow.
only a couple i even force a smile.

i showed my T those...she said i looked like two different kids in the "before and after" pics i showed her.

sometimes pictures can really shatter me.

i'm sorry you have those same pictures RK.

 

Re: bad childhood *possible triggers* rskontos

Posted by llurpsieNoodle on October 31, 2007, at 16:14:27

In reply to Re: bad childhood *possible triggers*, posted by rskontos on October 31, 2007, at 11:47:52

> YOu know Llurpsienoodle, your postings really hit a chord with me to the point I was going to post about my T but havent been able too. We talked about my childhood and my T has been validating for me how bad it was.

It helps a lot to have a mirror reflecting back the truth, doesn't it?

-Ll

 

Re: bad childhood *possible triggers*

Posted by rskontos on October 31, 2007, at 17:11:42

In reply to Re: bad childhood *possible triggers* rskontos, posted by llurpsieNoodle on October 31, 2007, at 16:14:27

Yeah it does. My sister and I talked today. We both dont remember if our mom was physically abusive because we both dissociated so much. My sister says her memories of my mother are like a shattered mirror she only has fragments but can't remember being with her. She said one doctor kept asking her when she kept going about migraines if she had alot of concussions because of her head and it lumps but she told him she didn't remember. Me too. I have a lumpy head. I said as much older as I and my other sister was who knows what happened when we were at school. My mother had such violent flashes of temper that I don't doubt when we were young and cried too much she didn't hit us. I have too many losses of memories for my T that she said that in and of itself indicates severe trauma. My other sister ran away at 17 and never can home. We were a mess. Yes it sad though we are all in this sadden state and I mourn for the little lost children we were :(

 

Re: bad childhood *possible triggers*

Posted by Phillipa on October 31, 2007, at 20:00:32

In reply to Re: bad childhood *possible triggers*, posted by rskontos on October 31, 2007, at 17:11:42

Funny was verbally abused all my childhood and never bothered me. I just decided that I would raise my kids the opposite way and give only positive feedback and not the negative I got. Like my Mother said I was the one who made her sick and God would get me. He did I guess as Now I'm sick but many productive and happy years. Guess I'm strange and my therapist says the past is the past to to move forward. So I do. Phillipa

 

Re: bad childhood *possible triggers*

Posted by Dory on October 31, 2007, at 20:10:04

In reply to Re: bad childhood *possible triggers* Dory, posted by llurpsienoodle on October 31, 2007, at 8:06:07

if you find answers to those questions, please let me know.. i never made it as far..

we could be a comparison study.. like a twin study! The relationships i form are not healthy at all and i have been completely unable to use any brains i may have had.. i fall on my face, crippled by repeated patterns of failure. i am resilient though.. and maybe T can help me stop these patterns.

what happened to you is enormous.. enormously wrong. What happened to me wasn't so hot either.. but there just wasn't so much of it. i just happened to have the right combination of circumstances to maximize the things that did happen.

> sometimes it HITS ME, the enormity of what happened to me
>
> your post made me cry for my lost possibilities
>
> but I am resilient. I should be studied for my resilience. What do I have that has enabled me to form healthy relationships? What do I have that has allowed me to develop into a smartiepants? What do I have that allows me to give comfort when I received little?
>
> you're right, of course. These things should NOT happen to innocents. These things are abominable.
>
>

 

Re: bad childhood *possible triggers* B2chica

Posted by Dory on October 31, 2007, at 20:17:21

In reply to Re: bad childhood *possible triggers* Dory, posted by B2chica on October 31, 2007, at 11:38:09

wow. i had no idea when i wrote it that it would speak to anyone. i used to want to be a writer.. :(

i am glad you got something from it


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