Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 792035

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Been thinking/sad faces

Posted by rskontos on October 28, 2007, at 17:34:27

I've been thinking about my past and my sister I don't speak to and how my parents alienated us. i got out old photos and the sad faces of us made me sad. I realized when I looked at these photos that in none of them did I really look like a happy kid. My eyes were flat. I had one of those mona lisa smiles. You know the type, not really a smile but not really a frown, not a joyous look for sure. I also realized in looking at those photos I couldn't place my age, I had no memories of the age of myself or when it was taken. I really have almost zero memories of my childhood. How sad. I looked at my sisters photos and they are the small. We look so lonely and forlorn. The family photos not many but they are worst. Why my parents married I don't know. They were ill suited at best. I don't remember any loving moments between them. Man it hurts to think of us as kids. I mean I understand that my dad didn't want kids but after you have them why don't you make the best of it or walk away. I don't get it. Why get married in the 50's if not to have kids. WTF was he thinking. I sure hope he doesn't come for Thanksgiving. I can't stand the thought of him in my house. Anyway, sad faces.....poor kids.......now messed up adults.....rk

 

Re: Been thinking/sad faces rskontos

Posted by happyflower on October 28, 2007, at 18:58:54

In reply to Been thinking/sad faces, posted by rskontos on October 28, 2007, at 17:34:27

(((((Rk)))))))))oh, how pictures tells a thousand words. Looking at them must be like seeing an accident, you should't look , but you do anyways.

Gosh can I relate you what you are saying. I too, have no happy pictures taken by my parents. In fact the pictures she did take, where ones to humilulate me. The only happy ones were taken by my grandmother, who was the only one in the family who showed me any love or hugs.

I am so sorry you are going through all this pain. Sometimes parents really suck, you can't even call them parents. It is so sad on how they can mess up their kids and usually get away with it.
Is your dad really invited to your house for Thanksgiving? That has to be so hard, I can't imagine that. Hopefully there will be a lot of other people to distract you on that day.

But you know what, you can overcome all of this and achieve great things because you are stronger than most because of what you have had to endure. It might not feel like it at the moment, but I truely believe that all your compassion you have for others will lead you in your life somewhere. You can do this.

 

Re: Been thinking/sad faces rskontos

Posted by TherapyGirl on October 28, 2007, at 19:03:53

In reply to Been thinking/sad faces, posted by rskontos on October 28, 2007, at 17:34:27

I'm so sorry, RS. Wish I could help.

((((((((RS))))))))))))

 

Re: Been thinking/sad faces

Posted by happyflower on October 28, 2007, at 19:15:48

In reply to Re: Been thinking/sad faces rskontos, posted by happyflower on October 28, 2007, at 18:58:54

In fact this is what you said to Dory a few threads up. Well you said it better than me, but now I want you to apply it to you! okay?

*You will prevail and rise above this. I know you can. I believe in you and all you are and the person I have seen help others. Believe it too. *


(((((RK)))

 

Re: Been thinking/sad faces

Posted by rskontos on October 28, 2007, at 19:59:26

In reply to Re: Been thinking/sad faces, posted by happyflower on October 28, 2007, at 19:15:48

Thanks so much Happyflower, especially from you at this difficult time for you to remind me of my own words to Dory. You are right and I didn't need to look at those photos. You know I have so few photos. My family didn't take many photos I guess cause we weren't all that happy but again, I am searching for answers I can't get from photos. My mother is not alive and my father well he won't answer he is in denial. He isn't invited he invited himself. My sister, my youngest and bestest will be here to help. We will get each other through it. She has often said if she didn't have kids she would not speak to my father now. we are a sad lot. But you right I will rise above this. I am searching and trying to access my memories and thought maybe the photos would help me. They didn't just made me sad and reflective. Happyflower you are the best and thanks for the support and the caring!!! I will be ok. I just needed to vent.

TherapyGirl, thanks for your support too. It helps just to know others are out there that care. rk

 

Re: Been thinking/sad faces rskontos

Posted by RealMe on October 28, 2007, at 20:59:41

In reply to Been thinking/sad faces, posted by rskontos on October 28, 2007, at 17:34:27

I have photos from early years, and some I can place like the year I started to be abused. My T has a copy of one of the pictures. The abuse had not started yet, and my T said I looked so sweet. I have my school pictures, and kindergarten I look sick in the eyes. I came down with chicken pox the next day from what my mother said. I had not been abused yet, and so even earlier pictures of me I look really happy and cute, etc. Then I look at my third grade picture, sixth grade, seventh grade, eighth grade, ninth grade, and senior pictures, and my eyes look dead except in my senior picture. Well they touch those up. That's probably why. Later, I have pictures of me and my husband and I look fine execpt my eyes don't smile. Then they did after Menninger's, but now they don't again. I am so surprised that other people don't see it, but I think they just think I am tired because my schedule is so hectic.

So, the pictures of me when I was younger and when the abuse started actually helped me to get in touch with my feelings from back then. It was really powerful. I have not shown T the picture of me that was taken for school after the second abuser moved away.

But as I said, I also have my report cards from grade school because my mother kept them. It is so interesting to see what I was like from year to year depending on what the teacher wrote as comments. Those have also helped me get in touch with my feelings from childhood.

RealMe

 

((((RK))))

Posted by Dory on October 28, 2007, at 21:52:02

In reply to Been thinking/sad faces, posted by rskontos on October 28, 2007, at 17:34:27

i have a hard time with photos sometimes too.. and a lot of times i don't even know why... but generally it's because i can all too vividly remember what i was thinking/feeling at whichever age it was.

i am sorry your family life was so hard. you should be very proud of who you are given all you have had to go through.

 

Re: Been thinking/sad faces

Posted by rskontos on October 29, 2007, at 11:46:55

In reply to Re: Been thinking/sad faces rskontos, posted by RealMe on October 28, 2007, at 20:59:41

I guess I am thinking too much but I am so angry that I know I mean I know yet but in my heart I think something really BAD happened between my mother and me and no one stopped it, my father, my aunts, my uncle, my grandparents, they all knew she had problems they created them my grandparents and her grandfather but no denial is what they all practiced and for those still living still do, she was mentally ill but they let her alone with us and never checked to see if we her children we ok. My photos should we weren't. Our eyes should have shown them we were dead inside we needed something but no nothing. I have no memories of my relationship with me mom. I can only remember a handful of times with my family period. Someone inside of me had them but won't let me have them yet. Maybe never. I am asking for help to access them. Maybe in time. When we all feel safer. I guess the lack of memories tell me all I need to know. How much I dissociated at the time. All the time I guess. But why would I still not have any inkling of my relationship with her. I know she died almost 20 years ago but shouldn't I remember something? I guess this is what I am going to talk about in T tonight. It is driving me crazy this lack of memories. The past is affecting me now and I can't remember it to put it too rest. I also don't feel anything for my father. I know I should love him but when I look inside nothing. A big zip. When I tell my H that he says I don't mean it. But I do. I think when my aunt told me all she did about my mother it finally broke the hold she had over me. I think she had an unhealthy hold over me that even dead she still had. I told me T this last week but when she probed me I clammed up. I didn't want to go there yet. Maybe I do now. I think my abuse was my whole life. Even after she died she had a hold over me. That only recently was broken. I want to end it finally. But I don't have the memories to do so. I am mad though at least not depressed at the moment.

Realme and Dory thanks for your posts. They mean alot to me. They got me thinking which led me to the mad state I am in now. It is better than the numb slump I was in. I will overcome this I will. rk

 

Re: Been thinking/sad faces rskontos

Posted by RealMe on October 29, 2007, at 20:08:50

In reply to Re: Been thinking/sad faces, posted by rskontos on October 29, 2007, at 11:46:55

And it is okay to be angry. I am still angry with my brother and mother and others who abused me. When I get in touch with my feelings from back then, though, then I feel a very deep hurt and yearning for something different as well as a sense of being alone inside from that time. It is so painful that it is difficult to hold on to for very long.

This just reminded me that my T has a persian carpet on the floor of his office. Usually things look like elephants and circus animals and trees,et all real cute. Then, they turn into penises all over the place on that damn carpet--like a Rorschach depending on what I am talking about. I look at the floor a lot. So, when they become penises I have to do something to make them cute little animals again--then T says I want the innocence back that was taken from me. Well, so maybe I do.

RealMe


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