Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 790266

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

uncharted waters with the new T...

Posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 0:44:32

He has penetrating eyes, and keeps looking at me so intently. I get unnerved. Then he says things like, "what just happened?" or "what were you thinking just then? I get more unnerved. I am realizing that he expects me to say EVERY SINGLE THING. That was true with the old T., too, but, with this one, for some reason, it's a lot harder to do it. I fall silent, He asks again.

me: "well, I was actually feeling just a whisper of sexual desire for you" (extremely nervous)

T: " and if that whisper became a roar I'd fall apart with anxiety?"

In an instant, we are both laughing- (shocked, delighted, not anxious any more). He's letting me know he won't fall apart. Well, anyway, this is the kind of stuff that keeps happening. This T does everything differently from the old T, even though they did all their training together. Any time something very intense comes up, he gets witty. But it's not a defensive kind of wittiness. It seems to be meant to help cut down the anxiety- then we become serious again, and are ready to go into it more deeply- and do. He seems very nimble and quick, mentally- that's very nice. And although his eyes are intent, they are also kind. Completely new experience.

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf

Posted by Annierose on October 20, 2007, at 9:06:42

In reply to uncharted waters with the new T..., posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 0:44:32

"This T does everything differently from the old T, even though they did all their training together."

Your comment reminded me that a parent will often say, "All my children came from the same two people and look at how completely different they are from each other." And so it goes ...

You seem excited about therapy again. And that's wonderful. You're engaged in the process, your therapist is certainty actively listening and you are both working hard.

It's so hard to share those, "What were you just thinking" questions. My t asks them too. Your reply was brave and truthful. Usually when she asks, I'm "trying how to stay in this room or how to bolt."

Sounds like you are in a good place and in good hands. Did you share sexual feelings with your former therapist?

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T...Annie

Posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 10:06:02

In reply to uncharted waters with the new T..., posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 0:44:32

I never had sexual feelings for the old T, even though I saw him so much; finding that I'm having them for the new T has come as a shock, but he is great about handling them. He's unfazed and accepting; I guess, at age 63 (still handsome and young-looking), this has happened to him a LOT! The little, unexpected flashes of humor really do help me keep my anxiety from sky-rocketing too much.

Thanks, Annie. You never know what is going to happen with a T, but I do think I've finally found a good one for me. We have everything everyone else has- struggling, unproductive sessions, misunderstandings, wonderful sessions. It just seems like we can revisit the difficult times as often as we need to so as to get past them. The best thing- the depression and anxiety that caused me to seek treatment originally is becoming much less severe.

I do hope things are going well for you.

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf

Posted by RealMe on October 20, 2007, at 11:25:47

In reply to uncharted waters with the new T..., posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 0:44:32

I think your T and my T must know each other. They sound a lot alike. I have been having the same feelings for my T, and he doesn't get all crazy about it. He can joke and then get serious, but yes the piercing stare gets to me sometimes, and I end up saying "What?" He says it back, and I say you are staring, and he says I am trying to be here with you, and the anxiety goes up, and I make a face, and he laughes and says he loves my faces, and I laugh, and it helps so much. Can't say much now. Not supposed to be on babble. I am at work, but when my computer at home is in place,then I will. Very difficult session yesterday but better today.

RealMe

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T...

Posted by Daisym on October 20, 2007, at 11:58:04

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf, posted by RealMe on October 20, 2007, at 11:25:47

My therapist likes to say, "we are in virgin territory..." when we hit on something new. And isn't it amazing that you can still find new after so many years in therapy, even if it is with a new person?

I'm curious is you've had a separation from this therapist yet and how it went? (more than a weekend.) I am floored by how I sort of fell apart after the most recent long separation with my therapist (I was gone, he was here) and how long it took me to get myself together again. I guess I do still need that container he provides.

All in all, your posts are so sweet and hopeful. I'm really glad. It is important work you are doing.

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T... RealMe

Posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 12:19:17

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf, posted by RealMe on October 20, 2007, at 11:25:47

They DO sound a lot alike. If anything, yours is even more interactive than mine, inviting anger, and mentioning that you make cute faces. Yours is older, too, isn't he? I guess they have heard it all by now, and are very seasoned in their responses. To be this way- so disciplined and yet so responsive- must take years- of practice and personal growth on their parts. The touches of humor really do help a lot, don't they?

I think difficult sessions are the really valuable ones.

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T... Daisym

Posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 12:40:27

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T..., posted by Daisym on October 20, 2007, at 11:58:04

Oh, Daisy, we had the most difficult beginning. I was just trying to get started, and figure out if he was a good therapist for me, and he kept LEAVING! Three one-week absences, and one two-week one between March and August. Then there will be another week away over Thanksgiving and two over Christmas. I don't know why he takes so many. It kind of looks like he has children on vacation, coming home, but I don't know. I do know that when he is working, he works very long hours- about ten a day. And, if I ask about why he's away so much, I still won't know! He'll never say.

I find the absences terribly hard, too; I long for him, and count the days until I'll see him again. I don't melt down, exactly, but I do want so much to see him again. This goes for weekends, too. Then, of course, when I actually get into his office, I'm terrified of what I will feel or say! I instantly forget about how much I have missed him. I never think to say that, but I probably should.

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T...

Posted by rskontos on October 20, 2007, at 13:05:08

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... Daisym, posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 12:40:27

Twinleaf, I think it sounds like your and T are making great progress. To me and I have not been in therapy long but the humor would be a great help. I get so serious and that is when I take things wrong so the humor would help me know where he/she stood as a T. I think you are right about the age thing. Someone new might not know so well how to difuse a sticky situation or one so charged with emotions. Your T sounds like a great one. IMHO I think the rough spots are necessary to help progression. Kind of like when you clean a closet out you make a mess before it looks better and we all have messes in our closets and it will probably look worse before it looks better. So in our relationships with our T I guess we will have some rough patches as they get to understand us and our needs and how deep our issues go and the best way to help us get better. And as hard as the absences go for us I guess they need the break because we are not their only therapees. They need to unwind and decompress it my guess. And I suppose the absences are suppose to be helpful to us although they are hard.

Anyway, I am glad you sound so much better and doing pretty good. way to go. rk

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf

Posted by RealMe on October 20, 2007, at 15:14:41

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... RealMe, posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 12:19:17

My T was not as interactive as he has been of late. I told him it helped me to feel less alone and lonely when he said something, anything. So, now he is a bit more interactive, but he also let me know this would not be how it will always be. I really started to unravel at one point and felt extremely suicidal, and since I have made some very serious suicide attempts in the past, I think he gets concerned. I always have a suicide plan in the background for just in case, and he knows what it is. Yes, he is older. He is in his late 50's and a real looker plus being kind and gentle. Scares the hell out of me at times

RealMe

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T... RealMe

Posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 17:45:02

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf, posted by RealMe on October 20, 2007, at 15:14:41

It sounds as though your T is looking forward to the time when you will feel stronger, and will be able to use the couch productively, with less support from him- when you will have less need of his presence in front of you. Mine has the same goal for me- more sessions per week- and using the couch. I can do that any time I want, but I feel I'm not ready yet. He feels that using the couch has great value in helping people get in touch with the deeper parts of themselves- but he also feels that patients have to have internalized a certain amount of safety and ongoing attachment with their therapists before it can be really useful. I'm not there yet, but I think I've made some progress towards it. It sounds as though you have, too. I can't help but think- our Ts are amazingly similiar in how they interact with us, and in what they feel is most valuable in therapy. Hard, unbearable sessions notwithstanding, I think we are awfully lucky to have found therapists like this.

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T... rskontos

Posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 18:05:03

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T..., posted by rskontos on October 20, 2007, at 13:05:08

Thank you so much for your very caring and supportive message. rk. I have been following your posts, although not responding to them until now. All the same, they have made a deep impression on me. Although you describe so vividly the terrible alone feeling that comes from having been abused- whether emotionally, physically or sexually, and I would never minimize that for a moment, (having the same feelings myself), there also is always so much warmth and real feeling in everything you write. It's probably hard to believe that those loving feelings are just as real as the unbearable alone feelings, but, gradually, as you progress in your trust and attachment to your therapist, I'm sure they will become more real to you. Everyone does it at their own pace, and there's no need to compare yourself to anyone else- especially here, where we are presenting only quite fragmented pictures of who we really are.
The warmth that we sense in your posts has probably already been very much present in the raising of your children. I do hope, that, from one month to the next, you sense a gradual deepening of your trust in your therapist.

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T...

Posted by rskontos on October 20, 2007, at 19:31:56

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... rskontos, posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 18:05:03

Thanks Twinleaf, you supported me as much as I hope I supported you. Your response meant alot to me. rk

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T...

Posted by Phillipa on October 20, 2007, at 21:26:03

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf, posted by RealMe on October 20, 2007, at 15:14:41

Mine is a bit younger than me and a she and in late 50's now the new one will be young. Then will make a decisions if I like one my age or young like 30's. Have to click for it to work. Phillipa

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf

Posted by RealMe on October 20, 2007, at 22:52:05

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... RealMe, posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 17:45:02

Yes I think my T is thinking the same thing about the couch. He has not brought it up lately, but he asked how it felt to have more of an emotional connection with him, and I said it did not feel good. I know he was surprised and asked about it. I said it was because he is my therapist and not someone in my everyday life, and so I know it is somewhat artificial in that he is just doing his job. Then I said I really liked him, and he asked me if I thought he liked me. He has done this before, and I said yes, and he shook his head yes that he does.

He is on to me when I get angry with him now too. He knows it means I have something I want to say and am afraid to say it. I did it again on Friday but I did tell him what was on my mind, and he commented on that at the end. This is when he says the most, at the end of the session to help me pull it back together. When I told him his saying nothing left me feeling so alone, he has now gone back to doing this again. He did not realize how hard it was for me to go to work and do my job after a particularly stressful session, and so he is helping me to put myself back togehter before I leave. He knows too that I am feeling too vulnerable to use the couch right now, and he hasn't brought it up or three times per week instead of two. Maybe because I started to say I either wanted to quit or go to once per week.

Of course when I was leaving on Friday, I said at the doorway that I was surprised he wss going to be here for all of our sessions this month. He would not let me out of the door. Had his hand on the handle and just looked at me and said, "you're anticipating the holidays." Oh to hell with him I thought. Also, though he has not gone through an entire month since I started seeing him in May when he hasn't beeen gone at least one Friday or Wednesday. Now we meet on Tuesdays and Fridays.

I am glad to hear things are going well for you. Have you ever said to T that he has piercing eyes. He would probably wonder want to relate that to your past as my T often does when I comment about his facial expressions. My T has not been doing as many links lately as I am doing them myself pretty much now. Sometimes though, he does when I don't seem to get it, and it is never an obvious link but it can sure resonnate.

RealMe

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf

Posted by Dory on October 20, 2007, at 22:53:52

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... Daisym, posted by twinleaf on October 20, 2007, at 12:40:27

something you said caught my eye... about why he goes away so much.. mine does too. i brought it up the other day and told him i don't know why and i don't ask because i figure it's good for him which, in turn, is good for me. If he is working long days and putting as much of himself into it as he does.. then frequent breaks are needed or he'd fry. Better that than half-*ss*d therapy with one two week break right? Intensity takes a lot of energy.

reading about your talks with him are really interesting... i am so glad it's working so well

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T... RealMe

Posted by twinleaf on October 21, 2007, at 0:52:01

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf, posted by RealMe on October 20, 2007, at 22:52:05

It's just fascinating to hear how each therapist-patient pair interacts. Even though ours seem quite alike, there are some differences. I've not told mine that I like him,(I do) so I don't know if he'd ask me if i thought he liked me. Perhaps not. I think it's wonderful that yours does that. Mine talks about us being a "good fit" quite often, and I feel he's right. He puts a high value on unanticipated "moments of meeting". ALL of these involve eyes! Sometimes it seems like i am constantly searching his eyes- WHO is he really? Can I can know who's really there- if he cares about me, understands me, if I care about him, understand him. It's so wonderful when the answer is "yes", and so sad and devastating when it's "no". And I spend a LOT of time talking about his eyes! It's really scary to sit right there staring at his eyes and talking about what they look and feel like. I really feel like a baby searching its mother's eyes- I'm sure that's what I am during those times. Sometimes he invites me to just sit there quietly with him. We are just staring at each other! Then I just break down into sobs and we get into that place where you don't use words any longer.

He says the couch is "ready and waiting" any time I am. I have gotten the impression that he wants to increase the sessions, and maybe have me use the couch in January. But what am I going to do if I can't look at his EYES!!!!!

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T... Dory

Posted by twinleaf on October 21, 2007, at 1:01:23

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf, posted by Dory on October 20, 2007, at 22:53:52

I'm just guessing, but I think he may have college-age children whom he wants to spend time with, as all the away times coincide with school holidays. He may even have younger children still at home. He works very long hours when he's there, but I'm hoping he doesn't go away quite so often in the future, because i miss him when he's gone. Don't you?

 

Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf

Posted by RealMe on October 21, 2007, at 2:09:27

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... RealMe, posted by twinleaf on October 21, 2007, at 0:52:01

My T says that periodically, that I can always lie on the couch, and then of course I make one of my faces, and he laughs. Gee I wouldn't get to see him anymore if I were on the couch. I think I could do it now, but then he is just there. I don't know; I have trouble looking him in the eyes, and so I try to go on the offense by saying "what?" to him, and then say he is frowning or staring or something. It isn't working so well anymore, though, as he puts it back on me now. Probably your T would do that.


The "we are a good match" sounds like your T's way of saying he likes you. They used to always talk that way at Menninger's--looking for the good match. That always meant that the T had to have positive feeling for the patient and feel that she or he could work with the person and help the person. I did not know until last week that my T knows lots of the people at Menninger's and people who used to be there too when they were in Topeka. I got kind of angry with him acting (my perception) like he knew more about Menninger's than I do. But this is my way of putting him at arms length--get mad at him and in essense say don't get too close. But this last time I asked him as I was angry if he had even ever been to Topeka, and he said yes. So, he did know the good days there.

I am not sure I will add a third day at a later date. I will have to see. My insurance does pay for 60 sessions, and so that would be for not very long and then I would be paying the $245 per sesson out of pocket, and I don't think I can afford that unless my husband were to go back to work. I think he plans to do this but wants to wait until next summer. HUM.

RealMe

 

Re: Twinleaf you ok?

Posted by rskontos on October 23, 2007, at 11:41:39

In reply to Re: uncharted waters with the new T... twinleaf, posted by RealMe on October 21, 2007, at 2:09:27

I just feel the need to check with everyone? You ok twinleaf?

 

Re: Twinleaf you ok? rskontos

Posted by twinleaf on October 23, 2007, at 21:38:22

In reply to Re: Twinleaf you ok?, posted by rskontos on October 23, 2007, at 11:41:39

Yes, but thank you for asking! My niece, who is also my god-daughter, has been visiting from Scotland so I haven't had as much chance to check in here. I think the therapy is going really well; I'm daring to say more of my thoughts as they come to mind - very hard! I find that SO scary, as I'm really terrified of being rejected by him, but do find that it opens up a lot of meaningful interchanges between us, which leave me feeling safer and more connnected. Also, the feelings associated with the abuse are much more real, and are coming to the surface, rather than being sort of bland recitations. That's probably the most helpful thing of all.

I hope to hear that things are going the way you'd like them to, also.

 

Re: Twinleaf you ok? twinleaf

Posted by RealMe on October 23, 2007, at 21:57:42

In reply to Re: Twinleaf you ok? rskontos, posted by twinleaf on October 23, 2007, at 21:38:22

When you can, twinleaf, I would like to hear how it is you deal with the feelings of abuse as they come up. This is so hard for me, and it is hard to feel good and/or safe about being connected. I am afraid of the sexual feelings that come up, and I know my T keeps bring up about our relationship. So, I guess I will just have to talk about it as I have a lot of concernes about what it really means to be connected, close, to love, etc. Sometimes I am not sure I really know what it all means. In the abstract I know what it means, but for me personally, I am not so sure. We laughed again today, though, about my saying that instead of getting into drugs and alcohol when I was in college, I just went nuts instead. I was laughing, and he started to laugh too and seemed like he thought he shouldn't laugh, but I encouraged him.

I am glad to hear your therapy is going well. And, rskontos, how goes it for you with therapy?

RealMe

 

dealing with trauma...(very long) RealMe

Posted by twinleaf on October 24, 2007, at 11:10:36

In reply to Re: Twinleaf you ok? twinleaf, posted by RealMe on October 23, 2007, at 21:57:42

One of the things that always startles me is how different the dynamics are between each patient-therapist dyad. Everyone here seems to be having a somewhat different, even unique, kind of emotional experience. And even when one of the people is the same- i.e. , us) our experience with successive therapists, if we have had more than one, is always so different as to emotional content, what feels safe or dangerous, what memories and fears float up to the surface. etc.

Having said all that, I remember from yesterday how we were exploring treatment parameters. I said I didn't want to be called "Dr. xxxxxx" because it would sound too formal, but I also didn't want to be called by my first name, as that would be too intimate.

T: as I recall, I've never addressed you by name..."

me: "no- that's good. Sometimes I imagine that you'll remember me by my first name after I leave you...."

T:" . There's nowhere you can stay. There seem to be such powerful things pulling you: on the one side, towards greater closeness and intimacy, and then, as soon as you've felt that for a moment, there is fear pulling you away to what must feel like a safer distance."

me:"it's so true- what you say."

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

me: I haven't figured out if we're supposed to say "hello" and "good-bye" or not.

T: I feel that I'm saying "hello" when I say "come on in"

me: "yeah, I guess you are. I guess I should be saying "hi"

T: "you can do whatever feels right- and it doesn't always have to be the same. One of my mentors taught me that patients should be welcomed into one's office as honored guests- however you greet them, that is the basic message you would like them to receive."

me: (crying) "you can't ask for more than that."

There is a moment of peaceful silence. I say that his newly painted green office looks pretty. Then he notices that my mood has suddenly changed.

T: "what is it?"

me" "I just feel like kicking you"

T: "the way that your mind works is beautiful. You don't dissociate: you allow yourself a moment of warmth and closeness, and then you balance it by a moment of distancing and aggressiveness...you know when you're doing each thing"

me (feeling very sad) "yes, I've been doing that ever since I came in here today"

T: "it will help to be more aware of that; then you are in a better position to decide whether you need to be doing that now. Or rather, I hope you'll grow into the feeling that you don't need to do that nearly as much now. You obviously really needed those defenses when you were a little girl."
xxxxxxxxxxxx

During a silent moment:

T: "I feel that it's important to maintain the analytic frame as a sort of sacred space in which the patient feels increasingly safer to say anything he or she wishes. If we break that by having periods of social interaction, I think it's harder for patients in the long run to do the work they need to do. I think it's especially hard with patients who are colleagues - the temptation on the part of the analyst to fulfill short-term social needs of his own is greater."

Just then, the work began! I found myself talking about two different childhood traumas. one from age 3 and one from around 6. I seemed to remember everything about them- how things looked and smelled, the expression on the other person's face, as well as memories about their body language, and what I thought their feelings and intentions were. He only spoke a little- pointing out things like how I seemed to feel that the other person's wishes and desires were more important than mine, and encouraging me to look more deeply into what mine were.
Suddenly the end of the hour came. As we got up, he looked me in the eyes and said, "I'm glad you could talk so much about these things, and feel so much. We'll be doing that a lot more in the future." Then we both said "bye"!

This is all by way of trying to answer your question, RealMe. I think I spent a lot of time exploring who my analyst was, and whether he was truly committed to my emotional well-being before it was possible for me to explore the emotional aspects of the abuse, I am slowly developing enough trust to begin doing that. I listen like a hawk to everything he says, and keep having to decide, over and over again, that he is a good and safe person for me.

 

Re: Twinleaf you ok?((realme

Posted by rskontos on October 24, 2007, at 13:23:59

In reply to Re: Twinleaf you ok? twinleaf, posted by RealMe on October 23, 2007, at 21:57:42

well, therapy was on hold a week while T out of town. Monday sessions was good I had a panic attack right before I went and I was extremely aggitated before I went. She noticed and we talked about the panic attack and what triggered it. A real estate lady that works on the neighborhood triggered a frightening memory of my mother and I went into a panic. I couldn't calm myself afterward. My inner kids didn't want therapy. They had been getting me to doubt myself anyway. T and I discussed this plus somethings she had said about my dx that I misunderstood. She told me to always come to her about things she says that I or anyone misunderstands. And if I don't believe her to talk to her. If I misinterpret her intentions to please talk. We talked about her not calling me back and how that ate into my trust for her and how bad she felt. WE talked about hugging and my inability to do so. She said she would never just try to hug me if I wanted one to tell her to ask for it. We discussed my trust issues or the lack of my trust. I reavealed more of my memories. I misunderstood her when she told me not to try to remember more. So I told her more, I told her about my conversation with dear old (Not) Dad. We had a good session in that we talked about lots that bothered me and cleared the air but it was an extremely emotional session and I don't do well with those, I cried alot. I don't like to cry or rather one of me doesn't. She gets angry. I told her I had been trying to smash the voices and she no don't do that. She said we were building a safety net for me and everyone. So I am thinking it went well but keep thinking about all the work and how my family doesn't think there is anything work. She says it is ok to keep it from them for now. I am very confused. and on top of I can't hardly do anything at home. I wander from room to room. I mean I do the barest miminal of stuff. Thanks for asking and sorry Twinleaf for stealing your Thread for a moment. rskontos

 

Re: dealing with trauma...(very long) **trigger** twinleaf

Posted by RealMe on October 24, 2007, at 22:57:07

In reply to dealing with trauma...(very long) RealMe, posted by twinleaf on October 24, 2007, at 11:10:36

Thanks twinleaf. I guess what I do with my T is not all that different. I feel myself closer and then I get angry with him, and he asked me what I thought it was about one time, and I said it scares me to feel too close, and I have to push you away. Some time goes by on this topic, and then I get to the stuff from when I was younger. I always hate to even though I know it is necessary as I do feel as if I am back there again, and I start sobbing. I also know I was looking for someone to care about me, a male, asI had no father or at least not one who was ever around. I wanted love and caring from my mother too, but she was unavailable emotionally, and so I turned to males, more than one, who seemed to care but obviously just wanted sex.

I saw a woman the other day, and she upset me more than the sex offenders. She was physically beaten as a child, sexually molested by her minister and by a school bus driver, and when she was 16 and she came home from a party, her father had locked her out and put all her belongings on the front porch. She went to stay with a cousin, and then met a guy two years older who invited her to come and live with him at his home with his parents. Then began the beginning of the end. He was pimping her out so that she was having sexual encounters with as many as 10 men in an evening. He was one of many men who pimped her out over the years, and she had two arrests for prostitution. Why don't they ever arrest the guys. Anyway, she also got into drugs and was speed balling. She has needle tracks all over her arms and likely elsewhere. She does not want to know if she is HIV positive. She has as oon and is thinking of going back with the father of her son, a man who beat her senseless on more than one occasion and who pimped her out for 17 years. Sh*t. She has been to prison twice for drug charges, and now she may go again--as if that will help her. I had to ask the questions, but I had a really hard time doing so and sort of did not want to know the answers. Twice for sure I noted she dissociated on me, and her memory is very little for the past, her younger years and later. I am trying to determine how much is from the abuse, how much from the drugs, and how much from having her head battered repeatedly since childhood.

In some ways I feel ashamed that I have so much trouble, but I know my situation was something a lot of people would be horrified by too. I don't know sometimes. My T thinks that the people I see are triggering me, and he is right to a certain extent. I don't want this to happen as it is my job. Even the other day I saw a young guy for something like a DUI, and he had had ECT almost two years ago and continues to have word finding difficulties, problems with short-term memory and concentration, etc. just as I do. This really triggered me too as I thought after 6 months my working memory would be better, but it is not. Have to do notes after therapy or I would not remember from one time to the next even though I go twice per week. Enough.

I think it is important to do the work in therapy, but it sure doesn't feel good when it spills over into my work. Interesting what your T said about colleagues and therapy. I never worked with my T from Menninger's, and so I guess that was good. Only on one occasion he was the consultant on a case where I had done the psychological testing. He asked me ahead of time if it would be a problem for me (seeing as it was a one time thing). I said no, but I was a wreck when I had to talk about the psych testing in the meeting. He would have turned down being the consultant if I had said it would bother me. After that he was never even remotely involved with any cases I was involved with.

RealMe

 

Re: Twinleaf you ok?((realme rskontos

Posted by RealMe on October 24, 2007, at 23:04:58

In reply to Re: Twinleaf you ok?((realme, posted by rskontos on October 24, 2007, at 13:23:59

Gosh rskontos. It sounds like you are doing a lot of hard work. Do you or your T think you are moving too fast, or is it just the day of therapy that you feel you can't do much? I am like that sometimes when I have therapy. I could see a client and distract myself for sure with interest in that person, but there is often no way I could focus and concentrate on doing a report. So I try to arrange my schedule so that report writing times are on other days or the weekend. I wonder how many other people's days are disrupted by therapy that is intense. I can't just let it bounce off and switch gears that easily. My T says eventually I will be able to contain the sessions within the room, but he also said that for a time it would spill over. It is still spilling over, and I hate it. So take heart; the day will come when therapy and the work of therapy stays in the room with your T when you leave and so that you can go on with your life until the next therapy session when you will be able to go back to the issues of therapy. I think I will like that so much better.

RealMe


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