Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 782448

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Re: okay now serious- consequences? LlurpsieNoodle

Posted by Honore on September 13, 2007, at 18:47:13

In reply to okay now serious- consequences?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 16:18:59

Well, I don't know what it means-- but it seems related to seeing your T outside the office, if only because you think it is. Plus that was something that affected you greatly.

Maybe you're reversing things-- and you felt shirtless or vulnerable; maybe the men were vulnerable, or seemed vulnerable, and you saved them-- and the regret has something to do with the idea that your father is also vulnerable-- I have this memory that that's been in other dreams you've had. just a guess, of course.

It's hard to know about T=dad-- maybe you're afraid he'll turn out to be that, or you wish he'd turn out to be that--so then you could leave, or at least would know how to act, ie as you do with your dad. it could be anything.

Why were there two men in the dream, do you think? Two sides of your dad? or possibly your dad and someone else? just wondering if it wasn't already your T (although not necessarily, of course).

Dreams are so interesting, though, don't you think? I really find them fascinating.

Honore

 

**abuse triggers** so sorry. Honore

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 19:14:38

In reply to Re: okay now serious- consequences? LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Honore on September 13, 2007, at 18:47:13

My literary friend, you are a genius...

> Well, I don't know what it means-- but it seems related to seeing your T outside the office, if only because you think it is. Plus that was something that affected you greatly.

The timing is uncanny, and before when T has been in my dreams it's like a vague presence, not a real interaction like this.

>
> Maybe you're reversing things-- and you felt shirtless or vulnerable;

I'm *always* vulnerable

>maybe the men were vulnerable, or seemed vulnerable, and you saved them-- and the regret has something to do with the idea that your father is also vulnerable-- I have this memory that that's been in other dreams you've had. just a guess, of course.

The regret is that my father is decrepit and vulnerable yet he clings on to life, when perhaps it's not the ideal situation. I've come to terms with my homocidal urges. They used to cause me great guilt, anxiety and shame. Now they only cause me a little guilt anxiety and shame.

>
> It's hard to know about T=dad-- maybe you're afraid he'll turn out to be that, or you wish he'd turn out to be that--so then you could leave, or at least would know how to act, ie as you do with your dad. it could be anything.
>

So, llurpsie's dad has 3 phases to his adult life as I've known him.

ActI there was the first 25 years of my life where he was quirky and goofy at best, and in a furious uncontrolled rage at worst.
Act II he lost large chunks of neocortex and diffuse damage caused personality changes. He was weak and decrepit and meek as a lamb. sentimental and foggy memoried. easily confused. easy to abandon, although the guilt would have been overwhelming.
Act III the amazing plasticity of the CNS helps dad climb out of his meek little self and now his cognitive powers and nasty moods restored inhabit this nasty decrepit body (which he doesn't groom or anything. revolting)

If T turned out to be my dad I'd walk out the door and never look back. so, yeah- I WOULD know how to act. Or, maybe it would give me a chance to reconcile my adult self (who doesn't get beaten up) with the pre-decrepit dad (who decided not to beat me up sometime when my older brother took over that duty-- modelling prosocial behavior, a few years too late, hmm?)

> Why were there two men in the dream, do you think? Two sides of your dad? or possibly your dad and someone else?

I think the other man was a shadowy figure G. that had a coercive friendship with my dad about 5 years ago, reducing my dad to an infantile abused child in a man's body. Gotta say, this abuse thing really does span generations. The good news is that G. is dying from a very painful kind of cancer. Soon his children will be liberated.

>just wondering if it wasn't already your T (although not necessarily, of course).
>

possible... still considering it

> Dreams are so interesting, though, don't you think? I really find them fascinating.

I like them too, except when they scare me and make me doubt my reality. when dreams invade the waking mind is when I usually get to discuss taking neuroleptics with the pdoc.

hmmm. disturbing.

thanks for your thoughtful reply. you're such a smartie.
-Ll

 

distressed

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 21:25:01

In reply to **abuse triggers** so sorry. Honore, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 19:14:38

I have T tomorrow. not used to seeing him 2x a week. I dunno what to say. I'm so anxious about it.

WHY did he have to hunt me down in the parking lot?

Part of me is flattered and amused, but the part of me that needs to feel safe inside the confines of the office is frightened and scared. I just don't know what to say, or if anything I say or do will make it right again.

I'm anxious and scared.

This car thing gets into a whole lot of issues surrounding my own image. So, llurpsie drives this super shiny "hot rod". People look at me differently when I get out of that car. I don't like those looks. It's like when I wear a pair of heels and show some leggies. I don't like those looks. I prefer to hide. Part of the problem with T coming to check out the car is that it felt like he was checking ME out. very uncomfortable. shudder

:'(

I like my t too, that's the worst part. If he were a dumbass, I'd just say- hey T that was a really dumb thing to do. As it is now, I doon't want to critique him, because ... so many issues.


!@(#%&!#@(#

This just makes me think of ALL of my issues with men all at once. I don't know where to start.

I wish I weren't such a sensitive noodle.

 

Re: okay now serious- consequences? LlurpsieNoodle

Posted by B2chica on September 14, 2007, at 7:58:29

In reply to okay now serious- consequences?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 16:18:59

i would tend to think it has to do with a love/hate feelings toward your father. you hate him...and maybe feel bad of that?
thus you are saving him...and in turn aftwards feel Angry?

but your T was kinda funny, its like your mind was saying...no...T you were way off and i'll prove it...and stuck HIM in the dream to replace the men.

honestly i've never been good at translating others dreams. only my own.
so i'm probably off.
but either way. dreams can be SO emotion evoking, whether it be upsetting, funny, or feel good.
sometimes no matter how much we want to 'read' our dreams, sometimes they are JUST dreams. and we need to learn to focus more on How they made us feel and deal with that rather than trying to figure stuff out.
maybe it's your body saying its ready to deal with 'anger' issues. regardless of who they are about.

take care LN.
and i like sleeping with a critter (alive or stuffed...plush, not taxidermy:) )
it sometimes takes the edge of bad dreams.

b2c.

 

Re: distressed LlurpsieNoodle

Posted by gardenergirl on September 14, 2007, at 9:23:01

In reply to distressed, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 21:25:01

Hey llurps,

I know this doesn't help much, but as they say...grist for the mill. It sounds like there's a lot there. And as distressing as it sounds like, that may open up a lot of stuff for you, so it's an opportunity.

Still, I understand the feelings you describe. I wouldn't want to associate that discomfort with attention with my T.

Take care,

gg

 

Howsit going Llurpy??? (nm)

Posted by muffled on September 14, 2007, at 9:39:54

In reply to Re: okay now serious- consequences? LlurpsieNoodle, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2007, at 7:58:29

 

Re: Howsit going Llurpy??? muffled

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 12:44:20

In reply to Howsit going Llurpy??? (nm), posted by muffled on September 14, 2007, at 9:39:54

goin' okay

thank you muf for thinking of me...

I guess I am feeling "okay" because I'm wearing a fitted outfit. Even though my heart says "wear sweatpants and tennies" my mind says "wear shorts and cutie tshirt and sandal.

I always dress carefully to go see T or pdoc. I wear my heart on my sleevies, so better make sure I put the right shirt on.

I will leave for t in about an hour. until then I'm doing little craft projects and cleaning up from sewing this suit last weekend. Finally did the buttonholes, buttons and hems. It needs a final press and then is ready to wear. I have needed a sequined lime green tweed suit for a while.

I'm going to distract myself for a while longer. I think I will tell T how freaked out I was in the parking lot, how he surprised me. I will open with that and see where it goes from there...

lucky me

-Ll

 

Re: okay now serious- consequences?

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 12:46:57

In reply to Re: okay now serious- consequences? LlurpsieNoodle, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2007, at 7:58:29

> i would tend to think it has to do with a love/hate feelings toward your father. you hate him...and maybe feel bad of that?
> thus you are saving him...and in turn aftwards feel Angry?
>

sounds about right b2c


> but your T was kinda funny, its like your mind was saying...no...T you were way off and i'll prove it...and stuck HIM in the dream to replace the men.
>

lol

> honestly i've never been good at translating others dreams. only my own.
> so i'm probably off.
> but either way. dreams can be SO emotion evoking, whether it be upsetting, funny, or feel good.
> sometimes no matter how much we want to 'read' our dreams, sometimes they are JUST dreams. and we need to learn to focus more on How they made us feel and deal with that rather than trying to figure stuff out.
> maybe it's your body saying its ready to deal with 'anger' issues. regardless of who they are about.

I think I'll start with the "fear" issues. How can llurpsie feel safe in therapy with this strange man sitting across from me who stalks me in parking lots and evokes panic in my dreams?

thanks for your thoughts b2c

Ll

 

Re: distressed gardenergirl

Posted by LLurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 12:53:17

In reply to Re: distressed LlurpsieNoodle, posted by gardenergirl on September 14, 2007, at 9:23:01

grist for the mill? but I already have enough flour :(

I guess it helps that I'm not the only one who feels discomfort from "attention". I wish I were more secure about it. I've talked about this in therapy a few weeks ago. I know that T looks at my body because he is able to tell when I'm losing weight (and says something to that effect, to find out if the weight loss in intentional or not). I have a really really hard time thinking of myself the way that h thinks of me. I have a really hard time when I get hit on by strangers.

This is all getting mixed up with a boundary crossing that happened earlier this week with a guy at work who put his hand on my back. shudder. maybe it was too much.

okay fine. I've got plenty of flour, but maybe I'm fresh outta grits. Gonna get me some corn and go see my t, see if I can't get some breakfast made.

-Ll

 

T apologized... '*triggers*

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 16:15:41

In reply to Yikes! my boundaries got violated!, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 12, 2007, at 12:44:16

That was a hard session. I started off by going to the wrong office and then had to drive really fast to the other office. if not for xanax, I would have had a panic attack and/or decided to go home. I wonder if going to the wrong office was a statement about my ambivalence towards going today?

Then I started off by saying- "I don't know what to say-- I feel I just saw you on Monday" "Well, maybe you don't need to come twice a week. Maybe once a week is enough. you seem to be radiating a different kind of energy these days" "oh, you mean I'm no longer a black hole for happiness?"

(feeling rejected...)

Then I tell him that it freaked me out that he came over to my car in the parking lot. He said that he was afraid of that, and said that the moment that he set out to come find me at the far end of the parking lot he thought it was kind of awkward. In retrospect, he said he realized that he crossed a boundary. then he apologized (((good T)))

Then clever llurpsie steered the conversation towards even more uncomfortable topics (related in my mind- I'm hoping that he picked up on the fact that I strung the topix all together on purpose.)

He explains my dislike of men touching me (yes that was the main topic today) as oedipal: I am ashamed of my own sexual feelings towards men because I never was able to resolve having those feelings towards my (BARF) dad. I dunno. It made sense when he said it, and he was smartypants in relating back to other past stuff. How does this help me though?

He was kind to acknowledge that it must have been hard for me to talk about that (parking lot stalking) with him. That was good of him to say, because it WAS really hard to say. You guys know that!

Boy, I can't wait until I have funky dreams tonight.

As solace for my mini-rejection, I bought yarn. enough to make a gloriously fuzzy goofy shawl. I hope I have the stamina to knit it all. if not, I'm out 8 bucks. big deal. And double point needles so that I can start my skiing hat. And another ball to try out cables on. trying to steer my way AWAY from having a llurpsiecrisis. I don't want to do anything to hurt myself. I am trying to remember that he said I might only need to come 1x a week BEFORE I talked about all this stuff. Still, it stings.

-Ll

 

Re: T apologized... '*triggers* LlurpsieNoodle

Posted by Honore on September 14, 2007, at 17:01:25

In reply to T apologized... '*triggers*, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 16:15:41

Did I miss this, or were you saying you were uncomfortable because of things that have happened (ie the car incident, the dream, coming too many times/week), or did you become uncomfortable after he said you might not need to come more than 1x per week?

Could I ask what it would mean to come once rather than twice, or vice versa?

He seemed to want to pick up on what you want or need, rather than saying what he wanted or needed.

I personally kind of think the oedipal thing is overblown. I mean, it might have some general significance, but the focus on sexuality, to the exclusion of many sorts of elements of relationship between parents and children, seems to me wrong, or overly limiting. Not that it isn't sometimes the right focus, but also that it often isn't the right focus, or is only a small part of a complex picture.

But mostly, you know. I think he's trying to figure out what you can tolerate, what fits your psyche now, not judge or reject you. He's probably worried that seeing him too often, too soon, may drive you away-- be too intense-- or too invasive--

But, back to what I was wondering: what would it mean, to come once, or to come twice-- to you, or to him(ie what do you imagine it would mean, or feel like, to him)?

And I'm glad apologized. I feel he's some kind of over-eager dog who jumped up on you, and you were almost knocked over. (Isnt' that weird??)

Honore

 

Re: T apologized... '*triggers* Honore

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 17:23:57

In reply to Re: T apologized... '*triggers* LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Honore on September 14, 2007, at 17:01:25

> Did I miss this, or were you saying you were uncomfortable because of things that have happened (ie the car incident, the dream, coming too many times/week), or did you become uncomfortable after he said you might not need to come more than 1x per week?

I was already uncomfortable about all the other stuff this week, but looking forward to seeing him 2x a week on a regular basis- i.e. getting back to therapy schedule after chaotic summer. Then I felt rejected after he said that I might not need to see him more than 1x a week. To me that feels like I'm not important, or that my issues are trivial, or that I'm not ready to work on intense stuff.

I feel like much of my recent gains in sanity have come due to psychotropic medication and lifestyle changes, rather than psychological insight. I would like to have more insight as to why/how to feel better, so that I can do it sans medication next time (if necessary).
>
> But mostly, you know. I think he's trying to figure out what you can tolerate, what fits your psyche now, not judge or reject you. He's probably worried that seeing him too often, too soon, may drive you away-- be too intense-- or too invasive--
>

I never thought of that. Maybe I like it when therapy is intense, but I haven't communicated that in any sense. I didn't really tell him about all the stuff I went through with my formerT in 9 months.

> But, back to what I was wondering: what would it mean, to come once, or to come twice-- to you, or to him(ie what do you imagine it would mean, or feel like, to him)?

I would like to get at some of the icky stuff in my past, to be able to share authentic emotions with him. right now I feel like I'm kind of playacting having feelings, and it doesn't feel honest somehow. I'd like to work on this terror I have of men. I think that it requires a lot of trust on my part and a lot of reassurance on T's part that therapy is a good place for that to happen. My other goal this fall is to get as far away from crisis-llurpsie as possible. Figure out where she comes from and how to keep her at bay, hopefully for a long long time.

I'm not sure what he wants. I think he wants a nice comfy practice. I think he enjoys seeing a client who is kind of intellectual. He said I was an appealing client at my 2nd session with him, so I genuinely believe that he likes me. but-- does he have room for me? I hope so? I really do.
>
> And I'm glad apologized. I feel he's some kind of over-eager dog who jumped up on you, and you were almost knocked over. (Isnt' that weird??)


haha- that's a good image. I like that better than the T who stalks parking-lot-llurpsies lol

 

Re: T apologized... '*triggers* LlurpsieNoodle

Posted by TherapyGirl on September 14, 2007, at 19:06:21

In reply to T apologized... '*triggers*, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 16:15:41

Llurpsie, I'm so proud of you. I can imagine how hard this was for you to deal with straight on in therapy, and you did it.

I'm sorry your week has been so hard. I hope things will settle down for you soon.

 

Re: T apologized... '*triggers* TherapyGirl

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 20:49:19

In reply to Re: T apologized... '*triggers* LlurpsieNoodle, posted by TherapyGirl on September 14, 2007, at 19:06:21

Thanks t-girl,
you're so sweet :)

I feel so sad now. I wish this week in T hadn't happened. It's been too tough.

-Ll

 

why such a sad Noodle? B2chica

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 21:05:35

In reply to Re: okay now serious- consequences? LlurpsieNoodle, posted by B2chica on September 14, 2007, at 7:58:29

I don't know why I should feel SOOOO sad. T mentioned that maybe I don't need 2 hours a week. Maybe I only need one. Reading gg's post below, it seems like I will have to go through termination all over again. So I had a pretty good August... I guess I'm stabilified enough to reduce my sessions? I was really looking forward to a time when I could settle down into regular t-time and get some work done. I have been making a lot of room in my life for therapy.

To add to the sadness, h is away on business and I'm all alone with my yarn stash (it just doubled) and the cat. I feel utterly abandoned. I don't even want to go anymore. I feel like I've been punished somehow. Oedipus retches. But wait! even if I haven't been punished, I can still punish myself, can't I?

 

Re: why such a sad Noodle? LlurpsieNoodle

Posted by RealMe on September 14, 2007, at 21:19:40

In reply to why such a sad Noodle? B2chica, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 21:05:35

You should tell your theapist this and see what his reasoning is.

REalMe

 

Re: why such a sad Noodle? sorry not for b2chica

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 21:22:18

In reply to why such a sad Noodle? B2chica, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 21:05:35

sorry b2chica,
that one wasn't directed towards you in particular. i suppose the presence of the cat is a b2c theme, but not the rest of it. sorry

 

Re: why such a sad Noodle? RealMe

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 21:24:34

In reply to Re: why such a sad Noodle? LlurpsieNoodle, posted by RealMe on September 14, 2007, at 21:19:40

> You should tell your theapist this and see what his reasoning is.
>
> REalMe

I should write down a lot of things and show them to my T. but I haven't been able to share any of my writings with him yet. I'm scared he'll think I'm really cracked. Or worse that he will think that I'm totally recovered. perfectish. I guess I'll have to have this discusssion with him though.

take care of your tummy, okay. thanks for responding to me in the midst of your sickness.

-Ll

 

Re: why such a sad Noodle? LlurpsieNoodle

Posted by sunnydays on September 14, 2007, at 22:09:07

In reply to why such a sad Noodle? B2chica, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 21:05:35

Maybe he thought that's what you were saying and was just trying to bring it up for you? I think it sounds like a misunderstanding. Explain to him you'd still like to come twice a week and I imagine it would be absolutely fine.

sunnydays

 

Re: why such a sad Noodle? LlurpsieNoodle

Posted by muffled on September 14, 2007, at 22:18:29

In reply to why such a sad Noodle? B2chica, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 21:05:35

> I don't know why I should feel SOOOO sad. T mentioned that maybe I don't need 2 hours a week. Maybe I only need one. Reading gg's post below, it seems like I will have to go through termination all over again. So I had a pretty good August... I guess I'm stabilified enough to reduce my sessions? I was really looking forward to a time when I could settle down into regular t-time and get some work done. I have been making a lot of room in my life for therapy.

*My T would say I am extrapolating. I take some innocuous remark on her part and RUN with in in my head, generally in a negative way, and proceed to beat myself with it...
Could it be you are running with this comment he made , as I have a tendancy to do?
Or , like me, are you kinda uncomfortable with the thot of being 'well' cuz then ....welll...guess its alotta stuff, partly just unfamiliarity, or mebbe people will expect too much? I dunno....

> To add to the sadness, h is away on business and I'm all alone with my yarn stash (it just doubled) and the cat. I feel utterly abandoned. I don't even want to go anymore. I feel like I've been punished somehow. Oedipus retches. But wait! even if I haven't been punished, I can still punish myself, can't I?

**Dudettte, NO punishment requiered. WHAT did you do wrong in all honesty? NOTHING. You are NOT rejected.
Try and hang on to these true things if you can.
Take good care of Llurpy.
Muffled

 

Re: why such a sad Noodle?

Posted by Daisym on September 15, 2007, at 0:49:04

In reply to Re: why such a sad Noodle? LlurpsieNoodle, posted by sunnydays on September 14, 2007, at 22:09:07

Is it possible your therapist was trying to make a "light" observation to see how you would react? It sounds like it was a question, not his opinion of how much, or how little, you should go to therapy.

My therapist generally leaves frequency to the client. Going more doesn't mean you are "worse" -- at least that is what he tells me. It is about the frequency of what works for the individual, what they can afford, what they can give time to and how deep they want to go. There are times when life is more stable. That doesn't mean you don't still have lots to work on - in fact it becomes working on stuff instead of crisis management. But if you are saying, "I don't have much to talk about" he may want you to know that you don't *have* to come 2x per week.

Seems like a good thing to talk about. Why do you feel so abandoned and like it isn't within your power to keep your sessions? Do you think he wants you to be easy?

I hope you can find some peace this weekend and talk about all this on Monday.

 

Re: okay now serious- consequences? LlurpsieNoodle

Posted by RealMe on September 15, 2007, at 5:02:03

In reply to okay now serious- consequences?, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 13, 2007, at 16:18:59

Hardly; I don't think T=dad at all.

RealMe

 

Re: why such a sad Noodle? LlurpsieNoodle

Posted by RealMe on September 15, 2007, at 5:14:55

In reply to Re: why such a sad Noodle? RealMe, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 21:24:34

So what if he thinks you are "cracked." I have worried about that too with my T, and now I think Oh what the heck. Except when he said he read one of my reports; then I freaked because it was from work. Even though he said it was a really good report and that I put things together (synthesized) at the end, I told him that is not my best work and said I should bring in one of my reports from Menninger's. He then said something to the effect of, "Oh so now you want to show off or strut your stuff." Boy did that hurt, but dummy me just said, "No, I just wanted you to know that I can do better." As time has gone on since Wednesday, I have gotten more and more pissed at him. Times like this I want to tell him to go tak a flying @%$#. And I just might tell him next time I see him.

When I first started seeing him and had seen him only twice, I was scheduled to go to a conference where he was presenting, and I felt I should tell him. He said something like, "Oh good; I will have someone cheering for me." Something like that. I could tell he was really nervous when he presented, and before and at break he was chatting with me. It just felt really weird, but then YIKES; what if he came to a workshop where I present. I am not going to tell him I am presenting on October 18th. Crap, I haven't even put anything together yet; probably the weekend before I will. HAH.

RealMe.

 

Re: why such a sad Noodle?

Posted by Honore on September 15, 2007, at 14:26:35

In reply to Re: why such a sad Noodle? RealMe, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 14, 2007, at 21:24:34

Llurpsie, you almost sound like you have (one of) my syndromes-- the damned-if-you/damned-if-you-don't syndrome.

That's where there's something wrong with everything you can do-- For example (this shows how far the syndrome can go):

I noticed this right at the beginning of T with my T. A delivery person had shoved an brochure-type ad (which is the bane of NYC apartments) under the door. It was lying on the floor right behind the door when I opened it. I thought-- maybe I should pick it up, to be polite. But then I thought-- no, my T will think I'm snooping or poking into his private stuff (ie the brochure-- ie, extremely sensitive material--there were about 200 of them scattered in his entryway).

But then I worried--- um, maybe if I don't pick it up, he'll think I'm inconsiderate; and he might hurt his back leaning down, and then that would be because of me.

But, as I agonized over that, I also realized: I didn't know where to put it, if I did pick it up!! should I hand it to him (too personal? too forward?) ---or put it on the lamp table (makes a mess, not where he wanted it); if not those two, where????????????

After a long time in horrible angst over this, I finally picked it up and with great trepidation, handed it to him when he opened the door. He didn't seem to react, but I was so upset by then about what he might think, that I spent the first part of the appointment asking him if it was okay that I picked it up, handed it to him, etc-- what "should" I have done, etc etc. He said whatever I'd like to do was fine, either way. !

That's how far some people (me) can take this syndrome. So you're far from cracked-- although, if it helps, you're probably (I hope you don't take this the wrong way.....) not perfect either.

But really, sometimes you think you can't win. But actually maybe you can't lose.

He could be very interested and maybe have many reactions of his own, and want to talk about what it means to you, or why/when/more about what you wrote. (Or could that be another thing you're afraid of--I know I would be.) In the end, you'd be glad, and get a lot out of, showing him-- I'm sure.

Honore

 

I never processed termination *Suicide ID trigger* Honore

Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on September 15, 2007, at 17:45:07

In reply to Re: why such a sad Noodle?, posted by Honore on September 15, 2007, at 14:26:35

I think quieT just ripped off the bandaid sealing my wounds from termination with newT. Maybe that's why it hurt so much, because it felt like my safety net was being removed when I was in the middle of the high wire.

Right now I'm living a pretty high pressure lifestyle. I'm doing really well, all things considered. I'm just a lot more resilient than I was even a few weeks ago. A fight with h a few minutes ago just showed me that I'm plenty vulnerable, however. Dinah knows too- ((((Dinah)))) maybe she and I both need better coping mechanisms. I only took my Rx dose of xanax. I was messy last night. I hate the feeling of those old dark thoughts creeping up on me again.

honore's right-- it's a damned situation. hmm
And a big problem with the whole thing is that he brought it up and I deflected and he wasn't able to bring the convo back to frequency of visits, so I'm left extrapolating (it's okay muff. extrapolatiion is natural), and my mind so easily contemplates the worst case scenario.

-Ll

I'm tired, so tired.


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