Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 769364

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My stomach is doing flips(long ramble)

Posted by my-cup-of-tea on July 13, 2007, at 12:34:00

My T is going to do EMDR for my performance anxiety that I have had since last Nov., when I flopped on stage. Luckely, it wasn't that noticeable by the general public, but I am still haunted by it.

I am not sure what happened, I rehearsed everything fine, but once I got in front of an audience, I thought I was okay, but I came in early and couldn't find the right measure to get back on track. It was jazz, so it is more allowable. Everything was in slow motion, I could feel every eye looking at me, I thought I would die of embarrasment. My trumpet instructer wouldn't look me in the eye when I was done. He knew , I knew, the band knew, FAILURE, INCOMPETENT! What a dumb sh*t I am !

Well I should give myself a break intellectlly I know it was my first one in 20 years , but still I can't shake the fear from my mind. I know I am only creating more problems with my thinking and avoidence. I know this and should know better, but I can't let it go. It is there, in my mind, in my body's response.

Now I am taking group guitar lesson. I play fine , confidently, while I play with the group. But my last lesson only 2 others showed up. Everything was fine when we were all playing through all the parts at the same time. But then we each had to play our own part, which included solo's in parts. My heart races, my hands got so sweaty, I couldn't find the right strings,all of this, but earlier I played the same stuff with ease with everyone else. Then at the end my teacher asks what happened, because he heard me play great before that.

My trumpet instructor knows me very well, he has know me since 1984. Every month he has a trumpet recital where all of his students perform in front of each other and if they are young, in front of their parents. Since that horriable performance, I haven't been able to do it again. I work on the piece, it is ready, but the lesson before the recital, I cancell it and don't show up for the recital either. Now a pattern of several months. I know what I am doing, isn't good, but I know things are just getting worse, I get more anxious. I don't even want to practice anymore, because I don't want to be good enought to perform. It is getting to the point of me wanting to give it all up. I will work on my classes.

Well finally I called my T and asked him if EMDR would help with my performance anxiety. He never suggest it, in fact we haven't really gotten in too deep about me not wanting to practice anymore. He has asked me why I don't practice, and I tell him I am too busy. He says yeah, I know you are busy, but I think your excuse is a load of crap. (he was right, damn it)

I left him a message, and then soon regreted for letting the cat out of the bag. Yikes! To admit to this, mean he will want me to confront it. He tells me to bring along my guitar, damn here we go. So I will probably be asked to play for him in his office. Which is bad enough, but he knows how to play guitar too, so nothing will get past him. I have only been playing a month, yikes! I think I will play Beethoven's Ode to Joy. I feel like this will be a performance of a lifetime. I am so nervous.

He told me he usually uses EMDR for trauma, so I will be his first to use it for performance anxiety. I have read about it and it is suppose to help a lot. But if it does help, will that mean I will be expected to get back on stage?

It is hard to sit too closer than normal therapy, and watch his fingers go back and forth my vision path for an hour and think about the dreadful solo or whatever he wants me to think about. Last time it brought out some rather distrubing memories, but this is for a different situation. But yet I know there are some issues about me and my music. Very critical band director,parents not coming to my performances etc.,

I also wondering if playing in front of my T, is too personal, too intimate. Music is very personal to me, and opening myself up like that to him seems almost too sacred. He knows about this emotional side about me, but hasn't witnessed it. I think I will feel so bare. And to play in front of him will make me nervous.
I feel like I am showing him everything and I feel scared. Not of him, but of him knowing even more about me. He says, "I know you", but after this he really will. I don't know if what I am posting is making a least bit of sense. I feel like my mind is going in circles and stomach is doing flops. I am not sure why. My artist side is the real me, my emotions, my soul,it is what is inside of me, the part of me that is real, but very vunerable. I don't know if I want anyone to know me that well.

 

Re: My stomach is doing flips(long ramble)

Posted by my-cup-of-tea on July 13, 2007, at 16:41:42

In reply to My stomach is doing flips(long ramble), posted by my-cup-of-tea on July 13, 2007, at 12:34:00

I think sometimes I think too much.

I just remembered something from long ago. I was in this talent show when I was 13, was performing the theme to Cats," Memory", and I blanked out then too. Then I had to re-live that moment over and over again because my parents were showing the tape to everyone on how much of a f*ck up I was. The laughter , the total embarssment. They even showed my husband when we were dating. Maybe this has something to do with it.

Then this year I was taking a test in cogitive psych, and I blanked out too, and yes, it was partly over "memory".

Why are memories messing me up so much? Damn I need to stop thinking.... memories suck

 

Re: My stomach is doing flips(long ramble) my-cup-of-tea

Posted by Dinah on July 13, 2007, at 18:40:15

In reply to My stomach is doing flips(long ramble), posted by my-cup-of-tea on July 13, 2007, at 12:34:00

I'd be nervous about it, although I'm sure you'll do fine. You're right, it *is* intimate in that situation to share that with him. But if you feel you've built a solid base with him, that base should be strong enough to hold this.

Trust is really key in both that and EMDR probably. EMDR never worked for me, but that may partially be because it wasn't *my* therapist doing it.

 

Re: My stomach is doing flips(long ramble) Dinah

Posted by my-cup-of-tea on July 13, 2007, at 19:21:50

In reply to Re: My stomach is doing flips(long ramble) my-cup-of-tea, posted by Dinah on July 13, 2007, at 18:40:15

Thanks Dinah,

We have built quite the house of trust, base and all. I didn't totally trust him when he tried it with me 2 years ago, and it worked well so I hope it will work well this time.

Maybe he will teach me how to do it myself. I know he uses it on himself in different situations. He said something about things I can do myself, so maybe he meant that. I guess I will find out.

It is interesting with all the trust, it is still hard for them to see deep inside your sole. I am not sure if anyone has been there before, even my husband. The intimacy is kinda scarey. But he will be okay with me, and know how to help. I just needed to ask for it and I think he is happy to see that. It is going to be a long weekend. Thanks for listening and your support. Therapy has been a long road.


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