Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 768922

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Jammer, how's it going?

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 11, 2007, at 7:43:35

How was your session? How are you feeling today?

 

Re: Jammer, how's it going?

Posted by jammerlich on July 11, 2007, at 11:02:34

In reply to Jammer, how's it going?, posted by TherapyGirl on July 11, 2007, at 7:43:35

Shouldn't it feel better now that she's back?

I really thought it would, but it just doesn't. Not at all. All the pain and longing is so much more intense. And I thought it was awfully intense before! I don't understand this at all. I see her again tomorrow and just the time b/w Monday and now has felt as long as her vacation.

I did the thing I didn't want to do on Monday....be virtually mute. But she tried really hard. I can't fault her at all. She's more than doing her job. I just can't seem to do mine. I think it requires an element of "letting go" that I can't seem to allow myself to do. It's so very frightening.

The pain is palpable; but, I'm trying not to think about it. It's just not working very well.

 

Re: Jammer, how's it going? jammerlich

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 11, 2007, at 17:29:20

In reply to Re: Jammer, how's it going?, posted by jammerlich on July 11, 2007, at 11:02:34

I'm sorry. And I know you probably get tired of hearing this from me, but I know exactly what you are talking about. It is often that way for me. It's almost like I have to raise my walls so high while she's gone that it takes a few weeks to get them back down to where they were. And no matter what, it always feels like abandonment when she's gone (well, maybe not this time), so I think I react the way I did when I was a child. So it takes time to work back through those defenses. And the longing I feel is directly tied to my inability to pick up where we left off. Because emotionally that's what I need to do, but somehow I just can't pull it off and I get frustrated and miss her even more.

Is that how it is for you, too?

 

Re: Jammer, how's it going? TherapyGirl

Posted by jammerlich on July 11, 2007, at 17:46:56

In reply to Re: Jammer, how's it going? jammerlich, posted by TherapyGirl on July 11, 2007, at 17:29:20

Yes, that is VERY much what it's like for me and I will NEVER get tired of people here knowing exactly what I'm talking about. While it sucks that other people are in the same boat, it helps so much to know I'm not alone with it.

You're so right about the time it takes to dismantle those walls again. If she takes another vacation this summer, it'll be months before we get anything accomplished. It's awful, longing for her so much when she's sitting right there. And even asking all the right questions. But all I can do is mutter, "I don't know" or "It was hard" while all kinds of detailed things are screaming in my head.

I also think part of it is that I can tell by the things she says and does that she really heard some the the "complaints" I raised before she left and is making an effort to do things differently. It feels wonderful and terrifying at the same time. I'm overwhelmed that she's doing it and have no idea how to respond to it. Then, I get frustrated with myself for acting all retarded when she does exactly what I asked. I wonder if part of the "terror" is the idea that she might do other things I want, too? (Probably followed by my acting even more like a freak)

You couldn't pay me enough money to be my T.

 

Re: Jammer, how's it going?

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 11, 2007, at 18:42:13

In reply to Re: Jammer, how's it going? TherapyGirl, posted by jammerlich on July 11, 2007, at 17:46:56

> Yes, that is VERY much what it's like for me and I will NEVER get tired of people here knowing exactly what I'm talking about. While it sucks that other people are in the same boat, it helps so much to know I'm not alone with it.

You and me both. I think my first 20 years with my T would have gone better if I had had the benefit of Babble and the wise people here. Having people who know exactly what I'm dealing with in regards to my relationship with T is more priceless than I can explain to outsiders.
>
> You're so right about the time it takes to dismantle those walls again. If she takes another vacation this summer, it'll be months before we get anything accomplished. It's awful, longing for her so much when she's sitting right there. And even asking all the right questions. But all I can do is mutter, "I don't know" or "It was hard" while all kinds of detailed things are screaming in my head.

Me, too. One of the strategies I've used over the years (and yes, sometimes it works better than others) is to not let the silence take over. In other words, I've discovered the longer I sit there saying nothing the harder it is to say ANYTHING. So I try to just force the words out -- even if they're stupid words and even if I'm horrified after I've said it. I will give my T this -- she usually can pick up and run with whatever I've managed to get out. And somehow she knows how to elicit further information and eventually get to the heart of the matter. But I can't always make myself do it. And sometimes I say, "You talk." And then if she picks wrong, I say something along the lines of, "You guessed wrong." As you can see, I'm a complete joy to do therapy with. :-)
>
> I also think part of it is that I can tell by the things she says and does that she really heard some the the "complaints" I raised before she left and is making an effort to do things differently. It feels wonderful and terrifying at the same time. I'm overwhelmed that she's doing it and have no idea how to respond to it. Then, I get frustrated with myself for acting all retarded when she does exactly what I asked. I wonder if part of the "terror" is the idea that she might do other things I want, too? (Probably followed by my acting even more like a freak)
>
It's scary to have someone try to give us what we need, isn't it? I mean, we're all (or at least most of us) so used to not showing that we need anything because we never got it before. And here is this person who is sort of handing us these things we need on a silver platter. Who wouldn't freak out? In my experience, at least, the few times I got what I needed from the people in charge of caring for me came at a huge price. So it took a long while to get past waiting to see what it would cost me.
> You couldn't pay me enough money to be my T.

I'm guessing you're not as "delightful" as I am. Remember me? I'm the one who accused my T of being a big fat liar last Fall because I drove by her office when she was on vacation and her car was there. And I immediately went to, "Oh my GOD. She didn't want to meet with me this week so she lied and told me she was on vacation." And not one single other explanation fit so neatly in my mind.

And then both T and I have been delightful lately...

Hang in there, Jammer. I think it will be worth it in the end.

 

Re: Jammer, how's it going? jammerlich

Posted by annierose on July 11, 2007, at 23:18:00

In reply to Re: Jammer, how's it going? TherapyGirl, posted by jammerlich on July 11, 2007, at 17:46:56

>>detailed things are screaming in my head<<

that happens to me all the time and I will say, "can't you hear all the screaming inside my head?" ... it's says a lot without going into the details ... and it usually prompts a series of questions (from her) that ultimately help me figure out what the screams are trying to say.

I'm glad that your therapist is actively listening and responding to your needs. Yes it can be scary, but over time, you'll be more comfortable with asking and receiving things you want/need in a relationship.

After a long break, I understand why you would want to substain a silence. Your silence is telling her how much you missed her, how you had to be silent over that period of time and maybe how angry that she/he even left.

 

Re: You hanging in there, Jammer? (nm)

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 14, 2007, at 9:15:10

In reply to Re: Jammer, how's it going? TherapyGirl, posted by jammerlich on July 11, 2007, at 17:46:56

 

Anyone heard from Jammer? I'm worried (nm)

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 17, 2007, at 18:44:05

In reply to Re: You hanging in there, Jammer? (nm), posted by TherapyGirl on July 14, 2007, at 9:15:10

 

Re: Anyone heard from Jammer? I'm worried TherapyGirl

Posted by jammerlich on July 17, 2007, at 23:00:34

In reply to Anyone heard from Jammer? I'm worried (nm), posted by TherapyGirl on July 17, 2007, at 18:44:05

I'm sorry. I'm here. Just didn't see the posts here.

T is back, but things are really hard.

As I was finally able to tell her today, I'm not OK.

 

Re: Anyone heard from Jammer? I'm worried jammerlich

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 18, 2007, at 6:39:41

In reply to Re: Anyone heard from Jammer? I'm worried TherapyGirl, posted by jammerlich on July 17, 2007, at 23:00:34

Glad to know you're still here at Babble, Jammer. I'm sorry it's still so hard. What did T say when you told her you weren't okay?

 

Re: Anyone heard from Jammer? I'm worried TherapyGirl

Posted by jammerlich on July 18, 2007, at 7:12:46

In reply to Re: Anyone heard from Jammer? I'm worried jammerlich, posted by TherapyGirl on July 18, 2007, at 6:39:41

Ugghh, she said, "tell me more about that," which is one of my (many) least favorite statements.

I told her it had me thinking about calling her every day. Our discussion left me feeling like it's probably best that I didn't and that it isn't OK with her for me to need her very much. Well, maybe she doesn't mind so much that I feel the need; I just don't think she wants me to act on it.

But talking about certain things makes the need so very big....and painful. And I don't know that I can do this anymore.

 

Re: Anyone heard from Jammer? I'm worried jammerlich

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 18, 2007, at 18:04:34

In reply to Re: Anyone heard from Jammer? I'm worried TherapyGirl, posted by jammerlich on July 18, 2007, at 7:12:46

Gosh, I'm so sorry. And that phrase is one of my top 5 most annoying therapisty-phrases. Along with, "How does that make you feel?" and "What do you need from me right now?" AAARRRRGGGGHHHH!

Are you sure she doesn't want you to act on your need? Because I often misinterpret things based on my own feelings that I shouldn't need someone. So I'm just double-checking about that. What did she say?

Again, I'm so sorry you're in such a tough place. Wish I could help somehow.


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