Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 765484

Shown: posts 1 to 23 of 23. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Uh-Oh ****Trigger***

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 24, 2007, at 18:17:21

Some of you may remember my disastrous visit at the gynecologist in March.

Now I've spotted almost every day for the past two weeks, since my last period, and yesterday I started another whole period -- 17 days after starting the last one.

When this happened several years ago, I had two ovarian cysts on one of my ovaries. They watched it for about 5 months until they went away. There were lots of uncomfortable exams (pelvic exams and intravaginal ultrasounds) and a couple of uncomfortable weeks waiting for them to rule out ovarian cancer and several months of worrying about major abdominal surgery because they weren't going away fast enough. But the bottom line to all of it was that they didn't treat them and they ultimately went away.

So my question now is whether to even call my gynecologist about this. I know there's a possibility that it's not the same thing, but it's really hard to decide to put myself through all that again -- especially considering my traumatized reaction to the last pelvic exam. It also doesn't help that I'm still not feeling very connected to my T.

Advice, please?

 

Re: Uh-Oh ****Trigger*** TherapyGirl

Posted by DAisym on June 24, 2007, at 20:09:49

In reply to Uh-Oh ****Trigger***, posted by TherapyGirl on June 24, 2007, at 18:17:21

I'm sorry, but I'm going to tell you what you already know - you have to call.

It isn't worth the health risk to leave this unchecked. I'm sorry it is so traumatic, I've had those scary kinds of reactions too -- but there are ways to get yourself through it. What did you do after the March exam that helped? I think making a plan and even talking to your GYN if you can, might make things easier. You could also consider some medication help, to keep you a bit calmer.

I wish I had a better answer. Sometimes it can be nerves that set this stuff off, but with your history, I think it should be checked out.

Take care,
Daisy

 

Re: Uh-Oh ****Trigger*** DAisym

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 25, 2007, at 17:18:25

In reply to Re: Uh-Oh ****Trigger*** TherapyGirl, posted by DAisym on June 24, 2007, at 20:09:49

Thanks, Daisy. I *know* you're right. I just can't quite seem to get control over the 3-year-old inside me who's basically saying, "When hell freezes over."

I don't know what helps. I was so humiliated by the whole thing in March I was really not thinking I would ever go back to that doctor. But the thought of starting all over with a new doctor who doesn't know my history (of the trauma response OR the previous cysts) doesn't thrill me either.

I am generally very, very good at dissociating during unpleasant, painful things. I don't know why I haven't been able to do it with this kind of pain lately.

I briefly considered asking my T to accompany me. But that feels yucky too, especially given the lesser connection I feel with her these days.

I'd be willing to consider meds, but I guess then I'd have to find someone to take me and pick me up. Or maybe I can just take a cab.

Thanks for responding. I do know you're right and I'm trying to come up with strategies, but it's very hard right now.

 

Re: Uh-Oh ****Trigger***

Posted by muffled on June 25, 2007, at 19:29:06

In reply to Re: Uh-Oh ****Trigger*** DAisym, posted by TherapyGirl on June 25, 2007, at 17:18:25

((TG))
Sorry this has to be so hard :-(
I'd go with the meds and cab if I were you. But I'm not you, so you know whats best. But I agree w/Dinah too. Don't wait too long.
Take care,
Muffled

 

Re: Uh-Oh ****Trigger***

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 25, 2007, at 21:13:40

In reply to Re: Uh-Oh ****Trigger***, posted by muffled on June 25, 2007, at 19:29:06

Thanks, Muffled. I'm trying...

 

Re: Uh-Oh (I talked to T today) ****Trigger***

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 26, 2007, at 17:51:39

In reply to Re: Uh-Oh ****Trigger***, posted by TherapyGirl on June 25, 2007, at 21:13:40

I left a message for my T on Sunday night and she called me back this afternoon (I figured it would be today before she got the message).

It was a short conversation, but once again, I feel like I was left without getting what I need from her.

I don't know exactly what the problem is lately, but I think some of it is that she has stopped seeing the 3-year-old I carry around with me. She is only responding to the adult me. It's not like I want her to treat me like a 3-year-old, but I definitely need her to acknowledge that the child is there and part of me.

So do any of you have ideas about how best to talk to her about this? She has been really good about it in the past. I'm not sure what has changed.

 

Re: Uh-Oh (I talked to T today) ****Trigger*** TherapyGirl

Posted by Honore on June 26, 2007, at 18:52:37

In reply to Re: Uh-Oh (I talked to T today) ****Trigger***, posted by TherapyGirl on June 26, 2007, at 17:51:39

Could you describe that things seem to have changed, in the way you say in your post, and ask her if she has any sense of that?

Then maybe you can find out if she's at all aware of a shift in emphasis, and also tell her that right now, you need something different.

I agree with muffled, by the way-- meds and a cab seem like the least you should do for yourself. I'm glad Daisy took the step of telling you you need to go, because I was feeling so bad about it, I really didn't want to be the one to say. I hope it isn't as traumatic-- with the meds to let you feel less anxious-- but I'm sorry it's come up again, TG. But it's better not to have to worry later that you've let it go too long- or that sort of concern, so going now, even if it's hard, will probably make it better in the long run.

Honore

 

Re: Uh-Oh (I talked to T today) ****Trigger*** Honore

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 27, 2007, at 17:25:10

In reply to Re: Uh-Oh (I talked to T today) ****Trigger*** TherapyGirl, posted by Honore on June 26, 2007, at 18:52:37

Thanks, Honore.

I'm trying to hold it in the road. Some moments are better than others.

I'm going to post an update for all below. Thanks for the support.

 

Re:I called doc today **slight trigger**

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 27, 2007, at 17:32:06

In reply to Re: Uh-Oh (I talked to T today) ****Trigger***, posted by TherapyGirl on June 26, 2007, at 17:51:39

and she's on maternity leave for 6 weeks. I really can't win for losing with doctors. She is in practice by herself, which means my only options were to see my primary care doc (she's new, too) or one of two doctors in another practice who apparently agreed to take my doc's patients while she's on leave. Did I mention that I saw her in March and had no idea she was pregnant -- AND she never mentioned it?????????????

So my only choices are to see doctors who aren't aware of my reactions to the exams and don't have access to my records. Except I did go today and pick up copies of the ultrasound reports from two years ago.

The problem (and the reason the docs get so hyper about my cysts) is that they're "complex cysts," which apparently means they could be malignant. It doesn't mean they are -- most are benign. But if they were simple cysts there would be zero chance.

So I did call one of the two docs on call for my doc. Of course, the woman was unavailable. So now I'm stuck with a man, which just adds another whole layer of anxiety. No meds, either. I did tell them that I would not allow a man to examine me. They agreed to that, so I guess we'll see what happens when I actually get there. The ultrasound is at 9:15 and then I see him afterwards.

To top it all off, I left another message for my T, who was not all that helpful yesterday, and she hasn't called me back. I swear, if she doesn't call for this (she knows I'm having major anxiety about it), I'm going to be done. Whatever has been going on with her lately is not helping me deal with any of this.

Any support you can send my way in the meantime is greatly, greatly appreciated.

 

I cancelled T

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 27, 2007, at 20:18:51

In reply to Re:I called doc today **slight trigger**, posted by TherapyGirl on June 27, 2007, at 17:32:06

T never called me back. I called her a little after 1 p.m. -- 8 hours ago.

I just called and left her a voice mail and cancelled tomorrow night. I told her I didn't know if I'd be back or not but that I know I can't come tomorrow night.

I told her it wasn't just that she was being unhelpful -- that this was worse because it was so hurtful to me. I told her ever since she missed the week in April after the funeral, she has acted like she didn't know me. I suggested that perhaps she is depressed or mired in grief and that it was none of my business, but I couldn't keep trying to reconnect with these kinds of results.

I'm just done.

 

ah sh*t sorryy ((((((((((((((((TG))))))))))))))))) (nm)

Posted by muffled on June 27, 2007, at 20:27:54

In reply to I cancelled T, posted by TherapyGirl on June 27, 2007, at 20:18:51

 

Re: I cancelled T TherapyGirl

Posted by frida on June 27, 2007, at 21:59:13

In reply to I cancelled T, posted by TherapyGirl on June 27, 2007, at 20:18:51

I am really, really sorry.

I think you and her need to have an honest, heart-to-heart talk about what's happening...I am so sorry you are feeling so disconnected and she seems to be letting you down.
especially at this time that you should have her support.. and feel cared for and safe.

Maybe you could write to her? I hope she is able to reach you again and make you feel heard and connected..

Sending you lots of support...

Frida

> T never called me back. I called her a little after 1 p.m. -- 8 hours ago.
>
> I just called and left her a voice mail and cancelled tomorrow night. I told her I didn't know if I'd be back or not but that I know I can't come tomorrow night.
>
> I told her it wasn't just that she was being unhelpful -- that this was worse because it was so hurtful to me. I told her ever since she missed the week in April after the funeral, she has acted like she didn't know me. I suggested that perhaps she is depressed or mired in grief and that it was none of my business, but I couldn't keep trying to reconnect with these kinds of results.
>
> I'm just done.

 

Re: I cancelled T TherapyGirl

Posted by DAisym on June 27, 2007, at 23:29:55

In reply to I cancelled T, posted by TherapyGirl on June 27, 2007, at 20:18:51

Maybe not this week, but I am going to gently suggest that you try to meet with her at least one more time face-to-face and talk this out. You may be absolutely right and she is going through something in her private life, but given your previous relationship, I think you owe it to yourself to really try and find out. Sometimes taking the step you did will be the push needed to open up the discussion more. There have been times in my therapy that I read into everything my therapist is doing and decide that his intention is to "make me grow up now." When I finally express this, I'm usually wrong, but he can see why I would interpret things that way. So we both learn. My instinct is always to fold up and protect myself from more hurt. But if I did that, I wouldn't ever be able to work through the tough spots.

Please know that I'm not suggesting that you are misinterpreting things, or that it is all about you. I'm just saying that losing this important relationship without a final discussion would be very sad.

I know you are scared and hurting. Please try to follow through with the ultra-sound. Tell the three-year old that you will take care of her and she can color when you get home. No one is going to hurt her. We are all with you in spirit.

Be kind to yourself.
Hugs -- Daisy

 

Re: I cancelled T -- Thanks All

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 28, 2007, at 6:44:45

In reply to Re: I cancelled T TherapyGirl, posted by DAisym on June 27, 2007, at 23:29:55

Thanks Muffled, Frida and Daisy. Your support helps more than I can express.

I'm doing the best I can to keep the anxiety under control this morning.

I'll let you know what I hear from my T. I expect she'll call, but I also expect that she can't or won't fix this. But we'll see.

Thanks again for the support.

 

Re: I cancelled T -- Thanks All

Posted by Honore on June 28, 2007, at 10:20:31

In reply to Re: I cancelled T -- Thanks All, posted by TherapyGirl on June 28, 2007, at 6:44:45

TherapyGirl, I'm so so sorry your T let you down again. That is so disappointing, even at a normal time, and this isn't normal.

The situation with the doctors too--that's so unfair and making things seem even more difficult. Maybe it will turn out okay. I truly hope so.

But I'm very glad--and really admiring-- that you're taking care of yourself by having tests, but also by not having an exam with a male doctor. You need to protect your three year old self- which means doing what you need to do to protect your health, but also making sure the three year old doesn't go through any experiences that would be too harmful.

I really hope your T responds to your signs of being in crisis-- or at least, if she really can't because of her own issues, can acknowledge that she hasn't been there for you-- and that she can do the right thing now-- or help you find someone else who can-- despite the loss. But I truly hope she can recover herself enough for you to continue.

I'm really hoping things can be resolved more quickly this time, and perhaps even be handled much better than they were the last time through.

Honore

 

Re: I cancelled T -- Thanks All Honore

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 28, 2007, at 19:22:20

In reply to Re: I cancelled T -- Thanks All, posted by Honore on June 28, 2007, at 10:20:31

Thanks, Honore. I read this right after I got back to work from the doctor, but couldn't post while I was at work. But it really helped me pull myself together to read this from you. It always helps so much when you and the other Babblers understand so intensely where I am.

 

Re: It was bad and I went to T ** Trigger**

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 28, 2007, at 19:38:04

In reply to Re: I cancelled T -- Thanks All, posted by TherapyGirl on June 28, 2007, at 6:44:45

Somehow when I got to the doctor's office this morning, they had miraculously switched me to a female doc. That was the only good thing that happened there.

I tolerated the ultrasound okay -- it hurt, but not enough to put me over the top. They did not find any ovarian cysts, but they did find 6 uterine fibroids. The doctor is slightly concerned about my symptoms (two periods in 17 days, spotting almost every day in between). She said normally fibroids will cause heavy periods and bad cramps, but not the irregular periods and spotting that I've had. So just to be cautious, she said she needed to do an endometrial biopsy. She did warn me ahead of time. I tried to tell her that I don't generally tolerate those kinds of exams very well. But she didn't seem to listen and I couldn't seem to make her. I wish now I had yelled, "STOP," until she listened to me, but I didn't. I did okay until she actually did the biopsy. She said I would have a slight cramp. Instead I had the mother of all cramps I've ever had and it went on for about 10 minutes. I don't know why this happens to me, but it's like if they touch a certain area inside of me I go completely nuts. I can't begin to control it. I scream and cry hysterically no matter how hard I try to hold it back. And I'm *never* like this. I hate it. I tried to pull my legs back as soon as she was done and sit up, but she wouldn't let me. She did finally agree to let me take my feet out of the stirrups and pull my knees up to my stomach. I felt like an idiot but couldn't stop myself. It was just awful.

It was extremely hard to pull myself together even enough to get out of the office. The doctor checked me out herself and then showed me out the back door. I guess they didn't want to scare the other patients anymore than my screams already did. It's so humiliating.

T called me as I pulled into the parking lot at work. It was not a great conversation, but I did agree to try to come to my session tonight. (Daisy your words of wisdom kept running through my head even when she said ridiculous things that made me furious). She asked me to call her by 5 to confirm. So I called her a little before 5 and told her I was going to try, but that I didn't know if I could stay the whole time. I told her it had been a particularly hellacious day after a really bad week and I needed her not to make it worse.

The session was painful and difficult, but I think I'm glad I went. We still disagree about the cause of my recent angst (she thinks these are my issues; I think they're hers), but she did try to be supportive and at the end when I could finally tell her about the awful exam today, she was on the ball with it. At one point earlier in the session, when she said for about the 15th time that she didn't agree with the way I see things, I looked at her and said, "That doesn't mean they're not true."

So I don't know where we go from here. For now, she's on vacation next week. I am supposed to call and leave her a voice mail when I get the results of the biopsy Monday. She will call me back if it's positive. Otherwise, we'll talk about it the following week.

She did say (and I thought of you again, Daisy) that it's very hard for her to tell if I'm having a crisis from my phone messages unless I tell her it's an emergency. She said I sounded fine on the phone yesterday and she was doing "triage." I told her that I had talked about the gyn. exams enough that she should have known it was an emergency. One of the many things we argued vociferously about. But I do think she has a point and I don't know how to change that. That's my personality -- to mostly not be dramatic (unless I'm mad). It's hard for me to be needy and it's especially hard to do it on voice mail. I think it's the same problem I have at the doctor's office. I tell them (WARN them) what's coming, but I sound so calm and sane, that they don't take me seriously.

Thanks to all of you for the support. You got me through this week in a way no one else did. I love you guys.

 

Re: It was bad and I went to T ** Trigger** TherapyGirl

Posted by muffled on June 28, 2007, at 20:57:22

In reply to Re: It was bad and I went to T ** Trigger**, posted by TherapyGirl on June 28, 2007, at 19:38:04

((((((TG))))))
Damn. That was hard :-(
However, I think its great that you were able to do it.
I think its great your able to get to T even though its hard.
I think you have done a great many VERY hard to do things lately.
AND YOU DID them.
I for one am very proud and impressed of you for doing these things, for taking care of yourself.
Good for you (((((TG))))
I hope things go OK.
Mebbe you can come and hang in camp comfort later?
M

 

Re: It was bad and I went to T ** Trigger** muffled

Posted by TherapyGirl on June 28, 2007, at 21:02:59

In reply to Re: It was bad and I went to T ** Trigger** TherapyGirl, posted by muffled on June 28, 2007, at 20:57:22

I definitely need Camp Comfort! I'll bring the S'Mores, okay?

Thanks for the great support, Muffled. I don't know what I'd do without you.

 

Nurse called -- no cancer! (nm)

Posted by TherapyGirl on July 2, 2007, at 18:28:59

In reply to Re: It was bad and I went to T ** Trigger** muffled, posted by TherapyGirl on June 28, 2007, at 21:02:59

 

Yay!!!! ((((TherapyGirl)))) (nm) TherapyGirl

Posted by jammerlich on July 2, 2007, at 20:23:40

In reply to Nurse called -- no cancer! (nm), posted by TherapyGirl on July 2, 2007, at 18:28:59

 

pheeeeeeeww. :-) Thats wonderful :-) (nm) jammerlich

Posted by muffled on July 2, 2007, at 21:55:53

In reply to Yay!!!! ((((TherapyGirl)))) (nm) TherapyGirl, posted by jammerlich on July 2, 2007, at 20:23:40

 

ooops TG above (nm)

Posted by muffled on July 2, 2007, at 21:56:25

In reply to Yay!!!! ((((TherapyGirl)))) (nm) TherapyGirl, posted by jammerlich on July 2, 2007, at 20:23:40


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