Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 704658

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how long does grieving what you never had last?

Posted by sunnydays on November 17, 2006, at 18:54:01

My therapist says I'm grieving and that's why I feel like crying all the time. But it's so so hard. How long does it last?

sunnydays

 

Re: how long does grieving what you never had last? sunnydays

Posted by canadagirl on November 17, 2006, at 19:37:27

In reply to how long does grieving what you never had last?, posted by sunnydays on November 17, 2006, at 18:54:01

The grief lasts a while because it is deeper, more painful and more defended against by us on some level. That is some hard work, mourning the loss of what we never had. In my opinion, I think it's good to get as much as we can out. Although it certainly hurts in the process.

 

Re: how long does grieving what you never had last? canadagirl

Posted by sunnydays on November 17, 2006, at 20:45:30

In reply to Re: how long does grieving what you never had last? sunnydays, posted by canadagirl on November 17, 2006, at 19:37:27

It does feel so deep. And it seems like now that it's so close to the surface, the littlest thing can bring it up and bring me to tears. I don't know how I'll get through Thanksgiving. And today my T was trying to help me with some problem-solving about going home, but I really just wanted him to hold me, so it wasn't as comforting as I had hoped it would be right before I left. Although I think some of that was probably that I couldn't/wouldn't explain to him what it was I needed. Just couldn't find the words.

I know it's best. But it feels like I could cry and cry and cry.

sunnydays

 

Re: how long does grieving what you never had last? sunnydays

Posted by Daisym on November 17, 2006, at 23:31:55

In reply to Re: how long does grieving what you never had last? canadagirl, posted by sunnydays on November 17, 2006, at 20:45:30

I was always afraid if I started to cry I would never stop. But the truth is that even though I cry a lot still, I do stop and go on. And I've learned that to give in to the tears, a little here and a little there, helps keep them put away when I really need them put away.

I think this kind of grief never completely goes away. But the act of grieving eventually is no longer daily. Things might trigger the grief and we will feel sad again. But if we've done the working through, we can move out of that sadness a little quicker each time.

Holidays are really hard. I've been struggling with Thanksgiving and all that it means as well. So hang in there.

 

Re: how long does grieving what you never had last

Posted by Jost on November 18, 2006, at 12:07:14

In reply to Re: how long does grieving what you never had last? sunnydays, posted by Daisym on November 17, 2006, at 23:31:55

I don't know if or when it ever goes away completely. (I'm sure that's not news, but I thought I'd say it anyway.) But it does go away enough that it's just a part of your experience, a part that you don't have to live in.

But I remember years of being utterly devastated. But it also doesn't have to be that way for you. I was somewhat older than you and had been through some major major life disappointments-- before it got that bad. So I think it's so great that you're doing this now-, rather than not facing things, and living out the losses again and again in your real life.

I think it will gradually get better. The deepest grief will open up less often, and better thoughts, or feelings, or possibiliites will creep into your thoughts more quickly, and you'll move through it more easily.

It won't be something you'll notice at first, and then one day, you'll realize it isn't as bad as if used to be. And another day, you'll realize, to your surprise, that it's very very different.

You sound very together and determined, and the best you can do is go through it, which is just basically, extremely hard and sad, and makes you ask many questions over and over that are unanswerable-- until you just don't have to ask them any more. They won't be answered-- but they won't be questions either--

It's okay not to be okay. It's a process and the process has, as part of it, a sense that you're stuck, and it'll never end. But it will, because you have so much more in you than the grief.

Don't pressure yourself to "get over it" or put yourself down for not being better. These things happen silently, and under the surface, and no one really knows what or when or how about them. The changes emerge.

Jost

 

Re: how long does grieving what you never had last Jost

Posted by canadagirl on November 18, 2006, at 12:24:49

In reply to Re: how long does grieving what you never had last, posted by Jost on November 18, 2006, at 12:07:14

wow what a great description.

 

Re: how long does grieving what you never had last? Daisym

Posted by sunnydays on November 18, 2006, at 16:57:45

In reply to Re: how long does grieving what you never had last? sunnydays, posted by Daisym on November 17, 2006, at 23:31:55

Thanks Daisy. I'm having a hard time keeping it put away. It seems if something upsets me, I have a hard time waiting until I'm alone to cry. I've been walking around with tears streaming down my face, which I've never done before, and it's awfully hard. It feels like the sadness never goes away. My T understands it's sad, but he says it means the therapy is going really well.

sunnydays

 

Re: how long does grieving what you never had last

Posted by sunnydays on November 18, 2006, at 17:02:00

In reply to Re: how long does grieving what you never had last, posted by Jost on November 18, 2006, at 12:07:14

> I don't know if or when it ever goes away completely. (I'm sure that's not news, but I thought I'd say it anyway.) But it does go away enough that it's just a part of your experience, a part that you don't have to live in.
>
> But I remember years of being utterly devastated. But it also doesn't have to be that way for you. I was somewhat older than you and had been through some major major life disappointments-- before it got that bad. So I think it's so great that you're doing this now-, rather than not facing things, and living out the losses again and again in your real life.

**** Thanks Jost. It's really really painful, but I hope that by getting through it now, it will make the rest of my life better. But right now it just feels so painful.
>
> I think it will gradually get better. The deepest grief will open up less often, and better thoughts, or feelings, or possibiliites will creep into your thoughts more quickly, and you'll move through it more easily.
>
> It won't be something you'll notice at first, and then one day, you'll realize it isn't as bad as if used to be. And another day, you'll realize, to your surprise, that it's very very different.

***** Yeah, these things are very slow. I just wish that there was a way to hurry it up. I only have about a year and a half left with my T.
>
> You sound very together and determined, and the best you can do is go through it, which is just basically, extremely hard and sad, and makes you ask many questions over and over that are unanswerable-- until you just don't have to ask them any more. They won't be answered-- but they won't be questions either--
>
> It's okay not to be okay. It's a process and the process has, as part of it, a sense that you're stuck, and it'll never end. But it will, because you have so much more in you than the grief.
>
> Don't pressure yourself to "get over it" or put yourself down for not being better. These things happen silently, and under the surface, and no one really knows what or when or how about them. The changes emerge.
>
> Jost
>
>

*********Thanks Jost. That was a beautiful post. You really get it. I'm sorry that you do, but it's nice to know someone understands. Your post brought tears to my eyes - but that's not a hard thing to do these days. Thanks for understanding.

I told my T I was afraid I would break him, but he actually laughed and said that he doesn't break that easy. He said the only time he really hasn't been able to do his job was after his mother died. So I'm trying to trust I won't break him.

sunnydays


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