Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 703907

Shown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

why does it hurt so much?

Posted by sunnydays on November 15, 2006, at 13:15:39

I'm so attached to my therapist. We've been talking about it for the last three weeks or so. But it makes me so sad because he's everything I want in a parent, and I obviously can't have. I just miss him so much all the time. He says he thinks it is the grief about what my parents did working itself out through our relationship (transference, anyone?), although part of it is probably just missing him. I just seem to break into tears all the time over the littlest thing. I've lately convinced myself that I like him so much more than he could possibly like me. Do you think that's right? It seems like he couldn't possibly like me as much as I like him, it just wouldn't be possible I don't think when he sees so many people.

But it hurts so much. And I don't normally cry so much, so it makes me feel really shaky to be crying so much now. And I have to take a short break coming up because of Thanksgiving, and then a long one over Christmas. And I'm scared. I just want to live with him. And I want him to love me. Is that a bad thing?

sunnydays

 

Re: why does it hurt so much? sunnydays

Posted by muffled on November 15, 2006, at 13:41:17

In reply to why does it hurt so much?, posted by sunnydays on November 15, 2006, at 13:15:39

((SD))
Don't thin k its bad.
Reckon it hurts.
You got needs that didn't get met.
Your kid so crying out for it.
But T can't do it.
He can help you do it for yourown self.
And it'll get easier.
Gradually, on and off.
Sigh.
I think you OK SD really.
Muffled

 

Re: why does it hurt so much? muffled

Posted by sunnydays on November 15, 2006, at 13:44:28

In reply to Re: why does it hurt so much? sunnydays, posted by muffled on November 15, 2006, at 13:41:17

Thanks muffled.

I feel like wailing, but I don't WANT to do it myself, I want my therapist to do it for me. But I know that he can't. It's nice to know someone is thinking about me.

((((muffled)))))

sunnydays

 

Re: why does it hurt so much?

Posted by SatinDoll on November 15, 2006, at 14:45:36

In reply to Re: why does it hurt so much? muffled, posted by sunnydays on November 15, 2006, at 13:44:28

(((((((((((sunnydays))))))))))))))) I think what you are feeling is totally normal especially when you didn't have something that so many people have who don't even think about it because they never had to , they always had it. I am glad you are able to talk to your T about this and he is being sensitive in talking to you about such a difficult and heartbreaking things. I am sure his heart is aching too for you. Take care okay.

 

Re: why does it hurt so much?

Posted by Jost on November 15, 2006, at 16:39:16

In reply to Re: why does it hurt so much?, posted by SatinDoll on November 15, 2006, at 14:45:36

I could be wrong, but I think he can do it for you, only in small moments over time. It doesn't sound as if that can help, but over many instances of being close and having the person show again and again that he cares, it does. You're really sad right now; but you can't avoid imagining how great it would be if he were your parents--wanting what a warm and loving parent would have been like--, feeling the loss of being part of a happy family, or a family where people are warm and real and care.

I felt that for a long time with my T. I dont' know how I stopped, but I esp. remember Thanksgiving as one of the worst days. Although I feel like I miss all that, it's not so unbearable as when the separation seemed like a lifetime.

At times it still bothers me some-- but I try not to think about it. The only way I can explain it was that he managed to give me things in different ways-- over time.

I think therapists do care, often a lot. He has to find ways to create something real with you, that can mean enough, even if he can't take you home. It's hard to make it through these times, because you;ve started to feel a deep enough connection to bridge the separation--but it's not strong enough yet, so it dissolves, leaving you seemingly with nothing. But someday, you'll know that he's taking you with him and you're taking him with you. Even to Thanksgiving dinner, or over Christmas.

Feeling the sadness is really hard and sometimes it lasts a long time. But maybe it'll be over sooner than you think, Sunnydays. You can't do it for yourself now; but eventually the two of you will create something between you that will.

Jost

 

Re: why does it hurt so much? SatinDoll

Posted by sunnydays on November 15, 2006, at 18:58:49

In reply to Re: why does it hurt so much?, posted by SatinDoll on November 15, 2006, at 14:45:36

Thanks so much SD -- hey, our initials match :)! Yeah, I think he really does care a lot, and I think it hurts him a little that I can't believe it all the time, but it just always feels like not enough. He is so nice, and I just miss him so much. Thanks for thinking of me.

sunnydays

 

Re: why does it hurt so much?

Posted by sunnydays on November 15, 2006, at 19:03:24

In reply to Re: why does it hurt so much?, posted by Jost on November 15, 2006, at 16:39:16

> I could be wrong, but I think he can do it for you, only in small moments over time. It doesn't sound as if that can help, but over many instances of being close and having the person show again and again that he cares, it does. You're really sad right now; but you can't avoid imagining how great it would be if he were your parents--wanting what a warm and loving parent would have been like--, feeling the loss of being part of a happy family, or a family where people are warm and real and care.

**** Thanks so much. It really sounds like you understand what I'm talking about. I just want it so much and it feels so so painful that I can't have it all the time, and can't go back and have it as a child.
>
> I felt that for a long time with my T. I dont' know how I stopped, but I esp. remember Thanksgiving as one of the worst days. Although I feel like I miss all that, it's not so unbearable as when the separation seemed like a lifetime.
**** Thanks. Yeah, it's going to be really hard being away from him. It really sounds like you know what I'm talking about. So it just takes time then?

>
> At times it still bothers me some-- but I try not to think about it. The only way I can explain it was that he managed to give me things in different ways-- over time.

**** I know my T is giving me as much as he can, it just hurts so much I don't know how I will bear it.
>
> I think therapists do care, often a lot. He has to find ways to create something real with you, that can mean enough, even if he can't take you home. It's hard to make it through these times, because you;ve started to feel a deep enough connection to bridge the separation--but it's not strong enough yet, so it dissolves, leaving you seemingly with nothing. But someday, you'll know that he's taking you with him and you're taking him with you. Even to Thanksgiving dinner, or over Christmas.

****Thanks for saying that. That's exactly what he says - that he still carries me with him and I carry him with me. And that when we end we don't really end because we stay connected. I just wish I could feel that all the time. You're right, it does seem to dissolve.
>
> Feeling the sadness is really hard and sometimes it lasts a long time. But maybe it'll be over sooner than you think, Sunnydays. You can't do it for yourself now; but eventually the two of you will create something between you that will.
>
> Jost
>
>

Thank you so much Jost. That post was really beautiful. (((((Jost))))

Now, to make it through the night without breaking down crying too many times...

sunnydays

 

Re: why does it hurt so much? sunnydays

Posted by canadagirl on November 15, 2006, at 19:29:58

In reply to why does it hurt so much?, posted by sunnydays on November 15, 2006, at 13:15:39

It hurts because you are human, and you care. You know what they say - this too will pass. And it does, it's just hell going through it.

 

Re: why does it hurt so much? canadagirl

Posted by sunnydays on November 15, 2006, at 22:02:57

In reply to Re: why does it hurt so much? sunnydays, posted by canadagirl on November 15, 2006, at 19:29:58

Thanks canadagirl. I just miss him so so so much, and I wish I could live with him so much. And it's so embarassing for me to talk about it with him. And I don;t usually cry so much, but I've been crying and crying and crying.

sunnydays

 

Re: why does it hurt so much? sunnydays

Posted by Daisym on November 16, 2006, at 0:41:23

In reply to Re: why does it hurt so much? canadagirl, posted by sunnydays on November 15, 2006, at 22:02:57

My therapist used to tell me that this would ease off naturally and evolve into something else. And it has, sort of. But I still miss him like crazy sometimss. It feels like it goes in cycles - depending on what else is going on.

But I hear more than you "just" missing your therapist. I hear deep grief about the parents you were given. I think the tears have been buried for a long time and now they are part of all this grief coming up. I think you are missing what you didn't get. And I think you are grieving for what you'll never get.

Grief is a strange thing. I think it wants to be shared. There are other feelings, like shame and anger and depression that don't want to be shared. We isolate, wanting to be alone. But grief -- we seem to want to sit with someone else, the someone who understands us the best. We don't want to be left alone to care for our self - we want to snuggle up next to our therapist and wail, "don't leave me -- ever!" I think of Dinah's therapist/mommy when I think of what I want around this.

And even more important, our therapists give us permission to feel sad, to grieve and to cry. They believe we have good reasons to cry. Since we don't always give this permission to ourselves, it hurts even more when we aren't with them.

I'm sorry you are hurting.
Hugs, Daisy

 

Re: why does it hurt so much?

Posted by sunnydays on November 16, 2006, at 9:24:47

In reply to Re: why does it hurt so much? sunnydays, posted by Daisym on November 16, 2006, at 0:41:23

> My therapist used to tell me that this would ease off naturally and evolve into something else. And it has, sort of. But I still miss him like crazy sometimss. It feels like it goes in cycles - depending on what else is going on.

***** Definitely. Right before this started feeling really bad, it felt like he was really far away to me. And now suddenly I am feeling all these feelings that I've really never felt before.
>
> But I hear more than you "just" missing your therapist. I hear deep grief about the parents you were given. I think the tears have been buried for a long time and now they are part of all this grief coming up. I think you are missing what you didn't get. And I think you are grieving for what you'll never get.

**** Yeah, I think so. I really want what I didn't get, and I'm still fairly young, so it just seems like if only my therapist would bring me home, I could make up for lost time, in a way.
>
> Grief is a strange thing. I think it wants to be shared. There are other feelings, like shame and anger and depression that don't want to be shared. We isolate, wanting to be alone. But grief -- we seem to want to sit with someone else, the someone who understands us the best. We don't want to be left alone to care for our self - we want to snuggle up next to our therapist and wail, "don't leave me -- ever!" I think of Dinah's therapist/mommy when I think of what I want around this.

***** This is exactly it. I never thought about grief wanting to be shared, but that's so what it is. When I'm depressed, I won't call my friends, but now I call my friends and I want them to come over and hold me. And luckily they do, even when I can't tell them why.
>
> And even more important, our therapists give us permission to feel sad, to grieve and to cry. They believe we have good reasons to cry. Since we don't always give this permission to ourselves, it hurts even more when we aren't with them.
>
> I'm sorry you are hurting.
> Hugs, Daisy
>


Thanks Daisy. I definitely don't give myself enough permission. My therapist has to remind me all the time that it's okay to feel this way. You're so smart Daisy. Thank you.

sunnydays


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