Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 642312

Shown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts :-(

Posted by orchid on May 10, 2006, at 18:16:44

Whenever I try to read back, I just feel so repulsive and disgusted of myself - when I read the posts I made a long while back.

Any idea on how to let go of the repulsiveness?? Any advice from people who have known me here for a long time? It is like, I just look at the headline and I can't even bear to read the texts myself.

 

Does anyone find it so hard to forgive themselves orchid

Posted by orchid on May 10, 2006, at 18:50:01

In reply to I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts :-(, posted by orchid on May 10, 2006, at 18:16:44

I never seem to be able to forgive myself. For anything. I just try to, but it always comes back a little while later.

Why is it so hard to forgive myself?

Off late, I can't just seem to forgive myself for the transference I had. And it really doesn't bother me anymore and I have become pretty indifferent to my old T, but just the thought "How could I ever do that" is bothering me still so much.

 

Re: I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts :-(

Posted by annierose on May 10, 2006, at 18:51:28

In reply to I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts :-(, posted by orchid on May 10, 2006, at 18:16:44

You shouldn't feel "repulsed" by your former posts. At that time, it reflected your feelings and struggles.

This is just my obversation, but I think you still have lingering conflicting feelings for your first therapist and the work you had done together. You seem to flip back and forth between hating the theraputic process and appreciating what you learned. I mean this only as an obversation and I hope you are not offended because I mean no harm.

Since I am still in therapy, I too swing back and forth between loving my therapist and hating her. Luckily, I get to express these different emotions with her, and we get to work on them together. Yes, sometimes it's embarassing how intensely I feel around some stuff. But it is so rewarding when I get my head around it, and began to see things more clearly.

 

Re: Does anyone find it so hard to forgive themselves orchid

Posted by madeline on May 11, 2006, at 7:18:49

In reply to Does anyone find it so hard to forgive themselves orchid, posted by orchid on May 10, 2006, at 18:50:01

I think it is so hard to forgive ourselves because somehow, deep down, we don't really feel as though we deserve to be forgiven. I do it too.

Look at how readily we dispense forgiveness and understanding to others from everything to abuse to drinking all of the milk. Yet we can't manage to give ourselves the same pardon for the simplest of things.

Please understand that I think the relationship and "transference" that occurs between a patient and a therapist is necessary for the therapy to continue. I do not view these feelings as something that requires forgiveness.

However, I absolutely understand how other people could see it that way.

I do not know the specifics of your previous therapy, but I do know that as human beings we are hardwired to respond to kindness, patience and regard from another person. You probably just responded the way you were designed to respond. No more, no less than that.

If you were hungry, then you would eat. If you were tired, you would rest. If you were thirsty, you would drink.

You were just being human, Orchid. Yet it seems to me that you want to be superhuman in some way.

That's a lofty goal. I commend you for wanting to reach it, but you deserve to be forgiven for falling short on occasion. We all do.

Maddie

 

Orchid....

Posted by one woman cine on May 11, 2006, at 8:18:30

In reply to I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts :-(, posted by orchid on May 10, 2006, at 18:16:44

Just an idea,

Why not re-frame the past as seeing yourself as a work in progress? Don't be so hard on yourself, - & sometimes - by looking back, you can realize how far you've actually come. It's hard to make peace with "undeveloped" or "tough" parts of yourself, but they are just parts of the whole - not necessarily bad or repulsive, maybe parts that need to change or have changed or are changing.

 

Re: I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts :-( annierose

Posted by orchid on May 11, 2006, at 12:40:18

In reply to Re: I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts :-(, posted by annierose on May 10, 2006, at 18:51:28

> You shouldn't feel "repulsed" by your former posts. At that time, it reflected your feelings and struggles.


Orchid
Thanks Annie. I know it reflects what I went through, but it is so hard to make peace with it. Every time I try to read back my old posts, I cringe in shame.
>
> This is just my obversation, but I think you still have lingering conflicting feelings for your first therapist and the work you had done together. You seem to flip back and forth between hating the theraputic process and appreciating what you learned. I mean this only as an obversation and I hope you are not offended because I mean no harm.

----Orchid
It is true. Sometimes I think of him very well and in good regards and have very deep gratitude. But other times I just totally hate him for making me go through this much pain and suffering. I kind of oscillate.

>
> Since I am still in therapy, I too swing back and forth between loving my therapist and hating her. Luckily, I get to express these different emotions with her, and we get to work on them together. Yes, sometimes it's embarassing how intensely I feel around some stuff. But it is so rewarding when I get my head around it, and began to see things more clearly.

---Orchid

Thanks for your inputs annie.

 

Re: Does anyone find it so hard to forgive themselves madeline

Posted by orchid on May 11, 2006, at 12:47:58

In reply to Re: Does anyone find it so hard to forgive themselves orchid, posted by madeline on May 11, 2006, at 7:18:49

> I think it is so hard to forgive ourselves because somehow, deep down, we don't really feel as though we deserve to be forgiven. I do it too.
>
> Look at how readily we dispense forgiveness and understanding to others from everything to abuse to drinking all of the milk. Yet we can't manage to give ourselves the same pardon for the simplest of things.


----Orchid
True Madeline. I find it so easy to forgive others. And just so hard to forgive myself. Actually I think it might have to do with my csa. People who go through csa tend to set unusually high expectations of themselves - I have read - as an atonement for having given in to abuse or the secret fear and guilt of having even encouraged it. I think it is a matter of trying to find your own self worth or perhaps trying to make amends to that basic guilt which lingers on.

>
> Please understand that I think the relationship and "transference" that occurs between a patient and a therapist is necessary for the therapy to continue. I do not view these feelings as something that requires forgiveness.
>
> However, I absolutely understand how other people could see it that way.
>
> I do not know the specifics of your previous therapy, but I do know that as human beings we are hardwired to respond to kindness, patience and regard from another person. You probably just responded the way you were designed to respond. No more, no less than that.
>
> If you were hungry, then you would eat. If you were tired, you would rest. If you were thirsty, you would drink.
>
> You were just being human, Orchid. Yet it seems to me that you want to be superhuman in some way.
>
> That's a lofty goal. I commend you for wanting to reach it, but you deserve to be forgiven for falling short on occasion. We all do.
>
> Maddie

-----ORchid

Thanks for your thoughts Madeline. What you have said is true, and I do understand it most of the times, but yet I times I feel so bad about it. I think part of it has to do with how my T handled it - he ended up terminating me in one email - without much clue or warning before or any termination steps, and never replied back after that. He just sent one email terminating me, and that was it. That was after nearly 3 years of therapy. So it kind of hit me hard, and I ended up feeling like a slut. And pretty much that was the message I got from his final email also - he wasn't warm or even empathetic - in fact was pretty cold and inconsiderate. So all in all, I have had a very rough time accepting my own feelings after that. I think I still haven't come to terms with it fully though I have tried and done my best to move on.

Thanks again.

 

Re: Orchid.... one woman cine

Posted by orchid on May 11, 2006, at 12:53:32

In reply to Orchid...., posted by one woman cine on May 11, 2006, at 8:18:30

Thanks one woman cine. I do try to accept it, but it still escapes me.

At a loss as to how to find real acceptance and closure.

 

Re: Orchid....

Posted by one woman cine on May 11, 2006, at 12:58:42

In reply to Re: Orchid.... one woman cine, posted by orchid on May 11, 2006, at 12:53:32

Maybe the acceptance is the fact that there isn't any closure. I learned this the heard way, BTW.
It's hard when the relationship isn't there any more, the therapist living, but for all intents and purposes - pretty dead to us. I don't think I'll have any closure on the past, but I do think the more I move on, the more it fades. & that is the best that I can hope for.

 

Re: Orchid.... one woman cine

Posted by orchid on May 11, 2006, at 13:10:14

In reply to Re: Orchid...., posted by one woman cine on May 11, 2006, at 12:58:42

Thanks one woman cine.

It is not so much that he is dead to me that bothers me. It is the fact that he didn't bother enough to even given me a decent termination and knowingly let me suffer that makes it harder to find closure. I really don't want to have anything to do with him now - no friendship or anything.

 

Re: Orchid....

Posted by one woman cine on May 11, 2006, at 13:24:45

In reply to Re: Orchid.... one woman cine, posted by orchid on May 11, 2006, at 13:10:14

What I meant was that there's no recourse, there's no saying, "hey, you hurt me" - when someone dies there's no going back to "fix" things and feel better. Your just left with the pieces - yes he hurt you unfairly, but there's actually nothing to do - your just left with a mess. What I said was, that for me - moving on (time passing) made it less painful and it fades more and more. I know you don't want a relationship with him or anything to do with him. I understood that before. But, its an enigma - really - seemingly impossible to get past - your left with hurt, things unsaid, & no recourse - I understand. But trust me, as time does pass, this will lessen.

 

Re: Orchid.... one woman cine

Posted by orchid on May 11, 2006, at 13:26:41

In reply to Re: Orchid...., posted by one woman cine on May 11, 2006, at 13:24:45

Ok I see what you said. Yes, time does help. In fact I am almost all better now compared to what I was a year before. And I know with more time I will become more indifferent.

Thanks one woman cine.

 

Re: Orchid....

Posted by curtm on May 11, 2006, at 20:08:30

In reply to Re: Orchid.... one woman cine, posted by orchid on May 11, 2006, at 13:26:41

Do we obsess about closure? What is closure? What does i feel like? Do we really want to know? Granted it is a goal, but maybe it's not what we would expect it to be and we may be setting ourselves up for dissapointment. I have regrets and hurtful feelings, too, but I grow weary of pushing myself to some existentialism that it almost defeats it's own purpose. Maybe we should find "closure" in not making it such a necessity.

 

You just told me what I was thinking myself curtm

Posted by orchid on May 12, 2006, at 13:08:03

In reply to Re: Orchid...., posted by curtm on May 11, 2006, at 20:08:30

> Do we obsess about closure? What is closure? What does i feel like? Do we really want to know? Granted it is a goal, but maybe it's not what we would expect it to be and we may be setting ourselves up for dissapointment. I have regrets and hurtful feelings, too, but I grow weary of pushing myself to some existentialism that it almost defeats it's own purpose. Maybe we should find "closure" in not making it such a necessity.

I was just thinking yesterday, that even if my T sent me a mail now and gave me that closure, perhaps it wouldn't really mean much now. After all, I have gone through as much pain as I could. Now what is the point in getting closure?

But also on the side I think closure would be really nice, so that I won't atleast have this regret for a long time. I am not really obsessing about it, but it sure would be nice.

 

Re: You just told me what I was thinking myself orchid

Posted by curtm on May 12, 2006, at 13:33:09

In reply to You just told me what I was thinking myself curtm, posted by orchid on May 12, 2006, at 13:08:03

I think I'll just run down to the local market and pick up a can of closure. And maybe some beer, too. Wha'dya think?

 

Re: You just told me what I was thinking myself curtm

Posted by orchid on May 12, 2006, at 13:34:53

In reply to Re: You just told me what I was thinking myself orchid, posted by curtm on May 12, 2006, at 13:33:09

Maybe some champagne too ? To celebrate the Closure (Can) :-)

 

Back to your original comment orchid

Posted by curtm on May 12, 2006, at 13:55:56

In reply to I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts :-(, posted by orchid on May 10, 2006, at 18:16:44

>> I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts

I feel repulsive to think that someday far, far beyond this day, I will be one to look back at my repulsive archaic posts. Don't make go on into the future please.

 

Re: Back to your original comment curtm

Posted by orchid on May 12, 2006, at 14:07:27

In reply to Back to your original comment orchid, posted by curtm on May 12, 2006, at 13:55:56

?????

Sorry for being dumb - but didn't understand:-)

 

Re: Back to your original comment orchid

Posted by curtm on May 12, 2006, at 14:28:35

In reply to Re: Back to your original comment curtm, posted by orchid on May 12, 2006, at 14:07:27

>> >> I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts

>> I feel repulsive to think that someday far, far beyond this day, I will be one to look back at my repulsive archaic posts. Don't make go on into the future please.

You are not dumb.

OK get this-
You have probably been here a while, so you have a long history of posts going way back that you can reflect on.

I am new, so I don't have much history. Heck I think my first post finally rolled of the boards a few days ago. So what I meant was I would someday be in your shoes looking back on my own posts.

I dread the day. It gives me such a nauseating feeling. What will I think? O god! O god! (heavy breathing)(sweating), "AAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa....!"

 

Re: Back to your original comment curtm

Posted by orchid on May 12, 2006, at 14:43:13

In reply to Re: Back to your original comment orchid, posted by curtm on May 12, 2006, at 14:28:35

:-) :-) (Grin) !!!

 

Did you get my babblemail? (nm)

Posted by curtm on May 12, 2006, at 14:50:29

In reply to Re: Back to your original comment curtm, posted by orchid on May 12, 2006, at 14:43:13

 

Re: Did you get my babblemail? curtm

Posted by orchid on May 12, 2006, at 15:00:33

In reply to Did you get my babblemail? (nm), posted by curtm on May 12, 2006, at 14:50:29

Just checked. Actually I don't know anything about Orchids - other than choosing their name as my posting name. :-)

 

Re: I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts :-( orchid

Posted by Pfinstegg on May 17, 2006, at 16:57:20

In reply to I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts :-(, posted by orchid on May 10, 2006, at 18:16:44

Orchid, I have a different viewpoint. First, you are clearly very successful, intelligent and accomplished in your personal life- and also loving, thoughtful and kind- many very healthy and rewarding areas.

But, I think that termination was worse than awful. It should never have happened like that. With people recovering from parental neglect, various kinds of abuse and csa, the part of our brain which really needs to heal is the right hemisphere. We need to lay down many more neuronal connections there in order to be able to self-soothe, put the past truly in the past, and enjoy our adult lives. So much of this happens through the building up of trust, attachment, and the feeling of being truly understood. It's probably far less verbal than psychiatrists used to think. We need to take all of this into us, at our own pace, and then terminate very slowly- with both parties having a say in it. Contact as needed afterwards is ideal also.

You sound like a very courageous, talented person with some unfinished business. Can you find a way (a good therapist) to finish what you made such a good start on? I know you are in India now- that does make it harder, but not it's not impossible, is it? Try looking for the newer type of interactive, relational therapist. It could make such a difference in the amount of joy and fulfillment you will have during the rest of your life.

 

Re: I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts :-( Pfinstegg

Posted by orchid on May 18, 2006, at 13:57:46

In reply to Re: I feel so repulsive to look at my old posts :-( orchid, posted by Pfinstegg on May 17, 2006, at 16:57:20

Thanks Pfinstegg. That was very validating.

You are right, I did the part which I was supposed to do. And if my T failed to handle his part well and that was the one that caused me this much of suffering, then the blame is his and not mine. Maybe he isn't as good or as genuine a person as I had thought previously.


This is the end of the thread.


Show another thread

URL of post in thread:


Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ


[dr. bob] Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD, bob@dr-bob.org

Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.