Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 617352

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Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?

Posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 1:35:40

I've been lurking hoping to keep up with ppl. Sorry to not lend much support for awhile.

I don't know if anyone can help me understand this. I'm just not good at pulling things apart and figuring things out. I don't know what any of this means.

I hate my body to the point where looking in the mirror, or showers disolve me into tears - all I can think about is that I look like my parents. I am full of shame, and self loathing.

I've lost track of time, had "transparent" dreams while awake - very short, just maybe 10 - 20 seconds, I'd guess. Usually when I'm tired, but have "daydreams" (or very caught up in thoughts) even when it's not a good time to have them (driving).

Said things or emailed things I don't remember.

I've had a lot lot of anger, irritability, and then rage toward myself - manifesting in an ongoing seething tirade against myself. When I try my best to stop the neg. thoughts, something inside spews out worse things against the part of me trying to be more positive.

I can't identify "how" I feel about things. I just don't know what I'm feeling - when i try to understand, it all just becomes a mass of jumble thoughts. In therapy, I can't process my thoughts. I can't answer questions accurately bec. I need time to process - my mind doesn't go blank, but what comes to mind isn't accurate, and i don't realize that till later.

I have trouble talking about it bec. I find this stuff really embarrassing.

thanks,
fw

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?

Posted by TherapyGirl on March 8, 2006, at 8:43:37

In reply to Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?, posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 1:35:40

Fairywings, I'm so sorry. You must be on the verge of some major breakthrough -- that's what I tell myself when I've been in similar situations.

Have you thought about writing about your sessions after you've had time to fully process them? Then you could take it in the next week and use that as a starting point.

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?

Posted by B2chica on March 8, 2006, at 10:46:28

In reply to Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?, posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 1:35:40

i agree with therapygirl, i too think you are close to a break through.
i've been there and it sure isn't easy. i'm sorry you feel these terrible feelings. but hope you can talk about them, even if you don't remmeber things you can express how you're feeling just like you did to us just now.
my 'mini movies' in my head started to become quite violent and more frequent the closer i got to remembering stuff and expressing it.

cares
b2c.

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? fairywings

Posted by Dinah on March 8, 2006, at 11:26:42

In reply to Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?, posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 1:35:40

Believe me, I understand. I share that shame and self loathing because I look like my mother. I can't bear to really look at myself.

It sounds as if you need to talk about something but aren't quite ready to do it. If it helps any, I find that a short period of silence and focusing on nothing in particular before therapy helps me center myself.

 

(((FairyWings)))

Posted by Tanzanite on March 8, 2006, at 11:51:45

In reply to Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?, posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 1:35:40

I have a lot of moments of that self-loathing, not wanting to look in the mirror, and am fixated on how awful I look and it has brought me to tears. I think I may have body dysmorphic disorder or something and still need to talk to my therapist/psych clinician about this. I am sorry you are going through this and wish there was something I could say or do to help.
This may sound silly, but when I am very tired I have had the day dream thing happen and when I am driving and get home not even know how I got there. That scared the daylights out of me. I have a sleep disorder (sleep apnea), and I think certain of my meds play a part in this too. I don't know if this will help you or not, but at least I thought I would mention it.
I am so sorry you are having all this trouble expressing feelings and having rage towards yourself. Gosh, when so much is going on internally and externally though sometimes our minds and bodies just cannot handle the overload. I find myself forgetting things as well and basically I was told it was because of all the overwhelming things I am having to go through. I am not sure what you are going through, but I just had my 1st psychologist appt last week and that is what he said. I think all of these things you are going through are things you are not all alone in. I don't know if it is just part of the emotional health area or bigger than that, but just remember you are not all alone in this even though it is easy to feel alone. I wish I could answer this post better, but there are a lot of awesome people here who have a lot of great advice and understanding so I hope it will be of benefit to you. By the way, cool name. Peace and blessings to you and may your days be bright.
Tanzanite

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? fairywings

Posted by LegWarmers on March 8, 2006, at 13:09:09

In reply to Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?, posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 1:35:40

> I hate my body to the point where looking in the mirror, or showers disolve me into tears - all I can think about is that I look like my parents. I am full of shame, and self loathing.

:(

>
> I've lost track of time, had "transparent" dreams while awake - very short, just maybe 10 - 20 seconds, I'd guess. Usually when I'm tired, but have "daydreams" (or very caught up in thoughts) even when it's not a good time to have them (driving).
>
> Said things or emailed things I don't remember.


Yup Ive done that, it sounds like stress and feeling overwhelmed and like something is brewing on the surface.

>
> I can't identify "how" I feel about things. I just don't know what I'm feeling - when i try to understand, it all just becomes a mass of jumble thoughts. In therapy, I can't process my thoughts. I can't answer questions accurately bec. I need time to process - my mind doesn't go blank, but what comes to mind isn't accurate, and i don't realize that till later.

Maybe you do know how you feel about things but maybe they are too hard to 'feel' or express in appropriate words. When they can't come out in words it makes us feel worse, more trapped within our pain, more alone. And painful experiences can't always come out in words the way we want them too. We have too many thoughts in therapy that there is nothing wrong with not processing it right then. I think T's understand this.

>
> I have trouble talking about it bec. I find this stuff really embarrassing.

oh I understand embarrassing! Or afraid of being judged, but when I have chosen the appropriate person to open up to, I never have had an experience that I feared I might have. Its more built up in our heads, you know? Its embarrassing to us, but to a T they see it differnetly, they understand and process it differently. they hear very embarrassing stories regularly. But what you need to remember, is it doesn;t matter if he is appaulled or shocked, or anything, Which BTW I am positive he wouldn't be, ITs about you, and its about getting you to a better place. Its not about him. Think about it as though you are going to someone who you never have to see again, ever, they will treat your issue and make you feel better and poof! they are gone out of your life because you don't need them anymore. Ts are not supposed to be people who judge, and most do not. they are hired to help someone fix something. From my experience, a T might say to me when i reveal something embarrassing or that I am ashamed of... wow, that sounds like x,y&z but how great that you are here now, or whatever... you know? They care more about today, more about who you are today, even most 'people' care more about who we are today, not then, not when, not because, not last year, today. Of course last year etc is important but so is now and what a person has been through and *become* ... am I making sense lol
Sorry I got a little lost in my writing ; )

(((fW)))

it will feel better, it will.

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? TherapyGirl

Posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 13:28:12

In reply to Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?, posted by TherapyGirl on March 8, 2006, at 8:43:37

> Have you thought about writing about your sessions after you've had time to fully process them? Then you could take it in the next week and use that as a starting point.

Thanks Tg,

I write everything down, bec. I can't remember things very well, it does to see things more clearly, you're right. Sometimes I'll go back months later and realize something.

fw

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? B2chica

Posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 13:32:49

In reply to Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?, posted by B2chica on March 8, 2006, at 10:46:28


> my 'mini movies' in my head started to become quite violent and more frequent the closer i got to remembering stuff and expressing it.
>

Thanks B2,

I'm not sure if the movies are in my head or not. It's like when I'm lying down, my eyes will be open, and it's like a very colorful transparent dream is running in front of my eyes, and when I realize it, I snap myself out of it bec. it freaks me out. My daydreams are reg. daydreams, but not always at the best times, and they can be obsessive - more like how you describe your movies you have.

I don't understand it.
fw

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? Dinah

Posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 13:37:08

In reply to Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? fairywings, posted by Dinah on March 8, 2006, at 11:26:42

> Believe me, I understand. I share that shame and self loathing because I look like my mother. I can't bear to really look at myself.

Thanks Dinah,

Your post made me cry bec. this is exactly how I feel, can't look at myself in the mirror at all. And now, sometimes when I'm in the shower all I can think of is my mom, and I can't stand it. I wonder if that's why some ppl don't shower when they're depressed.

I'll try to gather my thoughts so I can get some of this out, but it's so embarrassing, you know?
fw

 

Re: (((FairyWings))) Tanzanite

Posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 13:41:16

In reply to (((FairyWings))), posted by Tanzanite on March 8, 2006, at 11:51:45

Hi Tanzanite,

I wondered about the body dysmorphic thing too, bec. like Dinah, I'm so self conscious of things like skin tags. The mirror thing - I try not to get too close if I have to look, and I despise looking at pics of myself. And you're right, feeling alone is a big prob. for me, so thankfully for babblers. Even when you have your family, this is not stuff you want to tell them, you know?

thanks,
fw

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? LegWarmers

Posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 13:50:01

In reply to Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? fairywings, posted by LegWarmers on March 8, 2006, at 13:09:09


> Yup Ive done that, it sounds like stress and feeling overwhelmed and like something is brewing on the surface.

**you and I are so the same, it's scary, ya know?

> And painful experiences can't always come out in words the way we want them too. We have too many thoughts in therapy that there is nothing wrong with not processing it right then.


**Yeah, all my thoughts get so jumbled up, I can't process things as they come up.

> I never have had an experience that I feared I might have. Its more built up in our heads, you know?

**Yeah, I do that all the time.

>>Its embarrassing to us, but to a T they see it differnetly, they understand and process it differently. they hear very embarrassing stories regularly.

**Don't you ever wish you knew just how embarrassing your stuff REALLY is though? And what's REALLY going through their mind when they hear it?

>Ts are not supposed to be people who judge, and most do not. they are hired to help someone fix something.

**Yeah, mine's not at all, so i don't know why it's so hard to say stuff.

>>They care more about today, more about who you are today, even most 'people' care more about who we are today, not then, not when, not because, not last year, today.

**Boy I wish I could internalize THIS message. This is the one that really holds me back from relationships - worrying that ppl care about my past.

>am I making sense lol
> Sorry I got a little lost in my writing ; )

*You are, you always do to me LW. Thanks for always caring.


> it will feel better, it will.

thanks lw, you're awesome.
fw

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? fairywings

Posted by Damos on March 8, 2006, at 15:32:29

In reply to Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?, posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 1:35:40

Hey Fairywings, nice to see you :-)

The best I can manage right now is Yep, Yep, Yep. So much that sounds so familiar. My trap is sounding like my dad (in particular). Gosh just remembered a post I put on Write back in late Aug/Sept that wasn't exactly "Love ya Damos".

And yes I sometimes have heaps of trouble shaving while not looking in the mirror etc. Better than it used to be though, hmm.

Sometimes it's not the thing itself that's the problem it's everything we attach to it.

Sorry not being much help.

(((((Fairywings)))))

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? Damos

Posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 16:30:05

In reply to Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? fairywings, posted by Damos on March 8, 2006, at 15:32:29

Thanks Damos,

Ya know, just hearing that other ppl I like (like you) have a similar struggle helps so much.

I guess I can understand plastic surgery more now than ever, but you're right the memories would still be attached, I'd probably still have the feelings. Who knows.

What was that thing in Star Trek Spoc used to do....the Vulcan mind meld? Replacing our memories with someone else's better ones, or just better ones. Kind of like holographic vacations maybe.

fw

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?

Posted by Daisym on March 9, 2006, at 0:06:17

In reply to Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? Damos, posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 16:30:05

I think when our internal life is chaotic and overwhelming, it squeaks out into our real life in daydreams, memories, mini-movies or nightmares. I think we can only hold so much and we can only keep so many memories repressed. Eventually we explode. That is why therapy is good as a pressure release valve...if you can get some of it out there, you might be able to get through the days better.

We've talked about this a little here before. Body image and weight seem to be horribly hard to bring up in therapy and talk about. There is so much shame involved. But it still seems important to do if you are struggling so much with this.

As far as being able to respond "in the moment" in therapy -- I think it takes time to learn a vocabulary for our feelings and to figure out how to sit with yourself and identify what those feelings are. I still struggle with that. Or I know what I'm feeling and I don't really know why. But I've gotten to the point where I can mostly say "I'm getting upset and I don't know why" and we can walk back and try to figure out the trigger. It isn't easy. You have to turn your internal editor off or at least ask her to take a nap.

I'm glad you decided to post. Lurking is fine but we can't help if we don't hear from you.

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? Daisym

Posted by fairywings on March 9, 2006, at 9:06:22

In reply to Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**?, posted by Daisym on March 9, 2006, at 0:06:17

Thanks Daisy,

I think I'm having one of those OMG!OMG! days - actually started last night. Something I hope didn't happen, if it did I don't want to know bec. there's no way I could deal with it. But it's something that's been an unbelieveable horror in the back of my mind since when my first child was a baby. It's all tied in with the body image, so I want to tell, but ...... well you already said it, there's so much shame, esp. if it did.

I'm so glad I have Ambien.
fw

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? fairywings

Posted by LegWarmers on March 9, 2006, at 10:42:21

In reply to Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? LegWarmers, posted by fairywings on March 8, 2006, at 13:50:01


>
> **you and I are so the same, it's scary, ya know?

kind of like twighlight zone scary lol


>
> **Yeah, I do that all the time.

we are crazy FW, we just are lol


>
> **Don't you ever wish you knew just how embarrassing your stuff REALLY is though? And what's REALLY going through their mind when they hear it?

yeah, i know what you mean, I would guess, they are thinking... whats so bad about that? Why did these crazy girls wait so long to spill thier guts ; )
seriously, Im sure nothing that we have to say is truely, "that embarrassing". Things that I find completely embarrssing others can talk to the mailman about, so who knows lol


>
> **Yeah, mine's not at all, so i don't know why it's so hard to say stuff.

Its because its sensitive to us, its our sore spot, its where we are vulnerable and so in our minds it is intensified to an outragous degree. Its is completely understandable that things are hard for 'us' to talk about but its more about what it 'means' to us, to them, it means much much less.


> **Boy I wish I could internalize THIS message. This is the one that really holds me back from relationships - worrying that ppl care about my past.

And some people are ignorant and do not understand things, that is a reality. But most people are not that shallow. They want to know you now. INTERNALIZE THIS MESSAGE>> INTERNALIZZE THIS MESSAGE!! INTERNALIZE MESSSAGE YOU ARE NOW INTERNALIZING MY MESSAGES LOL

>
>
> *You are, you always do to me LW. Thanks for always caring.

im glad i do to someone ;)

>
> thanks lw, you're awesome.
> fw
>

so are you

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? fairywings

Posted by daisym on March 9, 2006, at 20:00:47

In reply to Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? Daisym, posted by fairywings on March 9, 2006, at 9:06:22

I'm saying this as gently as I can...sounds like you already know what you don't want to know.

It helps to let someone else know too. And saying it outloud doesn't make it "more" true, even if it feels that way at first. It makes it "less" burdensome because you get to sort out what is true and what isn't. It is so very hard though.

I'm here if you need me.

 

Re: Thanks LW ; ) (nm)

Posted by fairywings on March 10, 2006, at 10:44:23

In reply to Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? fairywings, posted by LegWarmers on March 9, 2006, at 10:42:21

 

Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? daisym

Posted by fairywings on March 10, 2006, at 10:46:37

In reply to Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? fairywings, posted by daisym on March 9, 2006, at 20:00:47


Thanks Daisy,

I talked to my T about it, but it didn't make me feel any better about it. I guess it will always nag me.

I really appreciate your posts, just knowing other ppl understand really helps.

fw

 

{{{{{{{{{{{{Fairywings}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} (nm)

Posted by happyflower on March 10, 2006, at 19:20:10

In reply to Re: Rage, transparent dreams, etc... **triggers**? daisym, posted by fairywings on March 10, 2006, at 10:46:37


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