Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 615027

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Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren

Posted by NanaS on March 2, 2006, at 15:35:16

I believe my daughter-in-law is narcissistic. Does anybody else here have a similar relative?

 

Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren

Posted by madeline on March 2, 2006, at 17:49:06

In reply to Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren, posted by NanaS on March 2, 2006, at 15:35:16

welcome to babble NanaS.

Why do you think your daughter in law is a narcissist?

 

Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren

Posted by milly on March 3, 2006, at 7:31:46

In reply to Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren, posted by NanaS on March 2, 2006, at 15:35:16

> I believe my daughter-in-law is narcissistic. Does anybody else here have a similar relative?
>

Sorry for being so dumb, but what is a narcissist?
milly

 

Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren

Posted by NanaS on March 3, 2006, at 8:41:21

In reply to Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren, posted by madeline on March 2, 2006, at 17:49:06

> welcome to babble NanaS.
>
> Why do you think your daughter in law is a narcissist?

She meets all the criteria. See bullyonline.org
Both of her pregnancies were her decision alone.
When son questioned, her reply "oh, I quit taking the pill a few months ago" Like he was just the sperm donor

They purchased a home. She put papers in her name only, but used his income to help qualify, also taking all of his pay for "the bills" she had two vehicle payments ( his vehicle paid-off),
the house ( in her name only), her cell phone, etc.
She started demanding he get better paying jobs.
He wound up being self-employed, she promised to save part of money he gave her to pay taxes. When it came time to pay taxes, she told him it was "his Problem"
Son had no medical insurance - needed surgery. She works at small clinic - son went there as part of "family benefit" They're inept physicians, clinic and related hospital have a questionable reputation in this area, for many years.
Son got job where he could get medical benefits after 3 months - was in extreme pain for about 6 months. Come to find out he had to have a skin cancer removed. She "kicked him out" when she realized that it would cost money to tend to his medical needs. (out of pocket to her)
She found out that he had received a little inheritance money-asked him to move back in-spent the money, started badgering him for more.
The only medical attention the kids get is at her clinic. This winter alone, they have been on antibiotics 6 times each. The only antibiotic she will get for them is amoxycillin, because it is the "cheapest"
I kept the oldest during day for 16 months. Would keep both whenever asked and over-night.No $$ in it for me, just keep supplies here for kids. Since I wasn't working outside the home so I could have the time with grandkids, she agreed to keep me supplied in diapers, etc. That dwindled to nothing, but I didn't complain. She'd pay for dinner once in a while, telling me "it was the least she could do, seeing how much I was doing" Then complaing "why do I always have to pay for dinner?" A few times she would "forget her checkbook" and not have any cash, I would pay. I quit accepting her invitation to "take me out" for a meal.
The list goes on!

 

Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren

Posted by NanaS on March 3, 2006, at 8:44:17

In reply to Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren, posted by milly on March 3, 2006, at 7:31:46

> > I believe my daughter-in-law is narcissistic. Does anybody else here have a similar relative?
> >
>
> Sorry for being so dumb, but what is a narcissist?
> milly

Milly, please see bullyonline.org and related links for education on this personality disorder.
Thanx,
NanaS

 

Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren

Posted by Dinah on March 3, 2006, at 10:39:32

In reply to Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren, posted by NanaS on March 2, 2006, at 15:35:16

It sounds as if she likes money. I don't know that that qualifies her as a Narcissist. That's why diagnosis is left to professionals. How would it be helpful for you to think of her that way? Would it help your relationship with your grandchildren?

If she does something abusive or neglectful to the children, then you have grounds to ask for a change in the custody arrangement. If there are no grounds for a change in the custody arrangement, then she is the *key* to seeing your grandchildren regularly. I'd advise that you set what boundaries toward her that you think are necessary for your well being, and then be as pleasant to her as you can be. Whether or not she's a nice person, or whether or not she's a narcissist. Because you love your grandchildren and conflict that can't lead to any resolution isn't in their best interests.

If your daughter isn't a physician, I don't see how she could be deciding what to prescribe to her children. Even if she works at a clinic, the physicians there have a duty to provide adequate care to their clients.

I don't know if it makes any difference, but there is someone in my family who *appears* to like money very much. I deal with that person exactly as I described above.

Just my two cents, for whatever it's worth.

 

Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren

Posted by NanaS on March 3, 2006, at 11:46:08

In reply to Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren, posted by Dinah on March 3, 2006, at 10:39:32

> It sounds as if she likes money. I don't know that that qualifies her as a Narcissist. That's why diagnosis is left to professionals. How would it be helpful for you to think of her that way? Would it help your relationship with your grandchildren?
>
> If she does something abusive or neglectful to the children, then you have grounds to ask for a change in the custody arrangement. If there are no grounds for a change in the custody arrangement, then she is the *key* to seeing your grandchildren regularly. I'd advise that you set what boundaries toward her that you think are necessary for your well being, and then be as pleasant to her as you can be. Whether or not she's a nice person, or whether or not she's a narcissist. Because you love your grandchildren and conflict that can't lead to any resolution isn't in their best interests.
>
> If your daughter isn't a physician, I don't see how she could be deciding what to prescribe to her children. Even if she works at a clinic, the physicians there have a duty to provide adequate care to their clients.
>
> I don't know if it makes any difference, but there is someone in my family who *appears* to like money very much. I deal with that person exactly as I described above.
>
> Just my two cents, for whatever it's worth.

Thanks Dinah,
Yes, she is neglectful toward the children. Oldest had a minor jellyfish sting, she wouldn't stop at store so I could get unseasoned meat tenderizer for it. She told him "you were told to leave it alone"
The doctors at the clinic are inept; she tells them what she wants to try for herself (anti-depressants, presc sleep aids, etc) and I have heard her tell them what she wants for the kids.

With the kids, she keeps them out late at night because she is going over to friends houses - the same "friends" that she told my son she didn't "want the boys around that influence", she is now going over there several nites a week, back late (10:00ish) the kids are 3 1/2 and almost two. She told me two weeks ago that she doesn't cook, they don't like what she fixes for them, so they get grits or something like that for dinner. She complained to me at length once that all she ever had for supper when she was a kid was pot pies, bologna sandwiches, and potted meat, and that SHE wasn't going to raise her kids the way she was raised.
She told a whopper of a lie back in November: could I keep the boys on a sunday nite, she'd pick them up Monday after work because the regular sitter had to go out of town because she had a daughter who was ill, pancreatis, gall bladder attack and in the hospital. I said sure. Thought nothing of it until she was "caught" at a local night spot that sunday nite. A few days later I called the reg sitter and asked about "the story" Nope, didn't happen, wasn't true. I asked what DIL told her about the kids not going to be at her house mon am, she said "they're not going to be there", no explanation. DIL still had to pay for that monday they weren't at sitters, other times she has griped like the dickens when she has to pay the sitter for even 1/2 days - this time I guess her desire to go out over rode her $$ issue.
When potty training oldest to poop in potty, she walked in with the baby and found oldest getting a dirty diaper changed. She said nothing then. a few weeks later she called me to task about letting him poop in a diaper because SHE wouldn't put a diaper on him, he'd eventually go! She also said that by me allowing the child (3) to poop in a diaper, I was disrespecting her. I laughed and told her I didn't know she took potty training so personal, she accused me of "blowing it out of proportion".
there's lots more incidents; may not be narcissism, but it sure is something.
Thanks for being here! What is your relative like? I'd like to hear about your experiences.
NanaS

 

Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren NanaS

Posted by Dinah on March 3, 2006, at 11:50:43

In reply to Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren, posted by NanaS on March 3, 2006, at 11:46:08

I'd rather not share them on so public a forum.

Is your son willing or able to go for greater custody?

 

Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren

Posted by NanaS on March 3, 2006, at 12:27:15

In reply to Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren NanaS, posted by Dinah on March 3, 2006, at 11:50:43

> I'd rather not share them on so public a forum.
>
> Is your son willing or able to go for greater custody?
Willing, but not able financially, it's a mess.
Wish there was a way we could email directly, but I don't know of a way to share that info.

I've done lots of research; controlling people, different personality disorders etc to try and figure a way to best handle her. The less direct contact I have with her the better, if there are no "witnesses", she can really unleash the beast.
thanks again
NanaS


 

Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren

Posted by Racer on March 3, 2006, at 15:14:33

In reply to Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren, posted by NanaS on March 3, 2006, at 12:27:15

There is a way to email back and forth -- it's called BabbleMail, and it allows people to email through Dr Bob's without sharing personal email addresses. You don't have it turned on, but Dinah does. If you go to https://dr-bob.securesites.com/cgi-bin/pb/signup.pl you can update your registration to allow BabbleMail, then you can email privately, without giving out your email address.

As for your DIL, I agree with Dinah -- what will it change if she does have NPD? Whether she has it or not, she'll continue to be unpleasant, right? Makes more sense to me to try to find a way to deal with her that works better for you and for your grandchildren.

What that would be, though, I can't advise. There's no point in trying to get her to get help, because her behavior is apparently working well for her. You could encourage your son to get some help, which would change the situation in some way, but he has to make that decision for himself, when it comes right down to it. What you can do, though, is find a way to get help for yourself. You could try to find a support group for grandparents, preferably one run by a therapist who has some training in how to get the best result for the children, or you could look for a therapist whom you could see to help you figure out how to avoid getting exploited by this woman's behavior. If I were going to pick, I'd say find that therapist, and then discuss whether a support group would be a good adjunct.

Good luck, to you and to your grandchildren.

 

Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren

Posted by NanaS on March 3, 2006, at 15:48:14

In reply to Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren, posted by Racer on March 3, 2006, at 15:14:33

> There is a way to email back and forth -- it's called BabbleMail, and it allows people to email through Dr Bob's without sharing personal email addresses. You don't have it turned on, but Dinah does. If you go to https://dr-bob.securesites.com/cgi-bin/pb/signup.pl you can update your registration to allow BabbleMail, then you can email privately, without giving out your email address.
>
> As for your DIL, I agree with Dinah -- what will it change if she does have NPD? Whether she has it or not, she'll continue to be unpleasant, right? Makes more sense to me to try to find a way to deal with her that works better for you and for your grandchildren.
>
> What that would be, though, I can't advise. There's no point in trying to get her to get help, because her behavior is apparently working well for her. You could encourage your son to get some help, which would change the situation in some way, but he has to make that decision for himself, when it comes right down to it. What you can do, though, is find a way to get help for yourself. You could try to find a support group for grandparents, preferably one run by a therapist who has some training in how to get the best result for the children, or you could look for a therapist whom you could see to help you figure out how to avoid getting exploited by this woman's behavior. If I were going to pick, I'd say find that therapist, and then discuss whether a support group would be a good adjunct.
>
> Good luck, to you and to your grandchildren.

Thanks ya'll. I live in a small town, only groups are AA and Al-Anon. I've had a few years in Al-Anon, and I have put some of those principles into practice with DIL. I just can't seem to get past worrying about the welfare of those precious little boys. Supposed to be getting the kids this afternoon for the weekend; it'll probably be next week sometime before I can get to the babblemail info. I really appreciate everyone's responses; gives me a little more objectivity in the situation.
NanaS

 

Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren

Posted by happyflower on March 4, 2006, at 12:16:09

In reply to Re: Narcissistic Mother of my Grandchildren, posted by NanaS on March 3, 2006, at 15:48:14

It is up to your son to deal with her and his children and their personal issues. I am sure there is more to the story here.
Maybe taking a step back and let your son handle their affairs might help. It is his family and his responsibility.


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