Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 613588

Shown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

I think I want my T to just be my T only(long)

Posted by happyflower on February 26, 2006, at 19:45:22

My T is on vacation this week, so my sessions have been spaced out almost 3 weeks. I only have a week until I see him again. But I don't miss him like I usually do. I normally see him at the gym too, and I haven't, he has been sick with a cold, so he doesn't exercise. I feel good when I think of him, but yet I don't feel needy. I feel content on my relationship with him.
I read a very good book today I got at the Library. Adult Surviors of Childhood Emotional, Physical, and Sexual Abuse by Francisco G. Cruz, and Laura Essen. It was meant to be more of a therapist book, then a client's book. But I got a lot of insite on how my actions have a lot to do with my past and how my relationship with my T has inspired. It gives T's wonderful insites on how to deal with us in all kinds of therapy. It talkes a lot about transference and countertransference too. I guess adult surviors really are some of the complicated clients to treat.
So I got to thinking about my therapist. He has been very patient with me, even when I tested him relentlessly over and over again. It took me forever to learn to trust him. But I do now completely. I am safe with him. I can be myself, he still accepts who I am and even kinda of likes me. He supports my goals, he is like my life cheerleader giving my confidence to try for more in life. He has given me so much in a lot of ways. Our relationship is wonderful.

Now I am thinking if I tried to make it into more than that, and it happened, wouldn't it be risking all of the wonderful stuff we already have? Then I would really lose him. But if he stays just my T , then that realationship would remain "sacred" in a scense. He told me I can always return if I needed too, a lot of clients have came back to him even after quiting years before. Where else can I have a "guarenteed" place to go where I can get the support and help I need? Husbands, friends, family are not that reliable.

Now yes, he is sexy as heck, and having sex with him would be awesome, I am sure. But maybe the fantasy of that should just be that a fantasy. I still will get to see him at the gym once in a while after termaination. And if I need to go back, I can. So as much as I would love to have him socailly in my life, maybe it would be better and more safe to have him just as my therapist. Things could get messed up if we saw each other romantically or socaially, then I would lose him forever.

Yeah, we are attracted to each other, and flirting is fun, but sometimes it is even better, if we both know it won't go beyond the boundries.

So I think as much as he means to me, I think I need to let go of my wish to have more from him. We have something great already, why mess it up?

 

Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ happyflower

Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 20:11:52

In reply to I think I want my T to just be my T only(long), posted by happyflower on February 26, 2006, at 19:45:22

Well, I would tend to agree, because I value the therapeutic relationship as a completely separate type of relationship than any other. Because I value the type of relationship, I'd be reluctant to jeopardize a good one, because they aren't that easy to come by.

I know not everyone sees the therapeutic relationship that way.

 

Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ happyflower

Posted by Daisym on February 26, 2006, at 23:15:06

In reply to I think I want my T to just be my T only(long), posted by happyflower on February 26, 2006, at 19:45:22

Happy,

Just don't be too hard on yourself if you find that it is harder to stop wishing for more than you thought it would be. I always say I don't want to want this...but I do.

I'm glad you found the book helpful. I'm amazed at how much work you've done in a relatively short time. I'm at almost three years in May and you seem light years ahead of me.

I hope the break from therapy continues to be a good one.
Daisy

 

Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long)

Posted by B2chica on February 27, 2006, at 9:47:47

In reply to I think I want my T to just be my T only(long), posted by happyflower on February 26, 2006, at 19:45:22

wow.
i must say this is a milestone for you. there is some incredible insight to your decision.
i'm happy for you. and i think it's an excellent decision.
good for you.
b2c.

 

Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ happyflower

Posted by milly on February 27, 2006, at 10:00:43

In reply to I think I want my T to just be my T only(long), posted by happyflower on February 26, 2006, at 19:45:22

Wow,I think it's great you can see that changing the relationship could spoil it, as it is he is your special T and nothing can change that.
I would desperatly like a social relationship with my T and truely believe in other circumstances we would have been special friends (had we been collegues or met socially) but what I have shared with him has felt 'sacred' which would have been spoilt had the relationship been anything other than a theraputic one.
Still hurts like hell that it won't be though!
milly

 

Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ happyflower

Posted by Tabitha on February 27, 2006, at 12:24:23

In reply to I think I want my T to just be my T only(long), posted by happyflower on February 26, 2006, at 19:45:22

Happy I think you are so right to realize that the good therapy relationship you have now is a lot more valuable than any sexual fling you could have with him. And I do believe you'd lose the safe therapy relationship if you or he crossed any boundaries. So good for you for starting to value what you have with him, and wanting to protect that, and being ready to let go of the fantasy relationship. It's tough to live in the real world sometimes, but ultimately more rewarding.

 

HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!!

Posted by bent on February 27, 2006, at 14:28:08

Hey HF. I wanted to start a new post because this got a little long and I didnít want to take away from your original topic. Your situation resonates with me and I thought I'd share an experience, that I donít talk about much. I am glad to see you are looking at so many angles regarding the relationship with your T. I know its so hard. I am not sure if my experience would be helpful but I will share it. About 10 years ago I had a T who started with good boundaries but they faded. I was very mother-hungry. I loved her and wanted to be her friend because she filled my mother gap so well. Slowly I saw the dynamic of the relationship changing. She brought her needs into the picture (now this would send off alarms in my head if a T did this). I felt so special. That I some how touched her and she was opening up to me. I needed a mom and what do you know, she didnít have kids so I fit that for her. I was in my bliss. My fantasy come true. We went to lunch, dinner, sporting events, she had dinner with me and my family, She even came to my family reunion as my family was getting to know my 'friend'. We cared about each other but not like in therapy. There was no longer objectivity, the trust changed. I learned so much about her life that I shouldnít have (ie-abuse, romances, etc) i felt weird meeting her family/friends. Almost 2 years later, perhaps through her own therapy and seeing what she was doing and why, she dropped me like a rock. There was to be no contact, no friendship, nothing. Just like that - in one phone call to me. I was beyond devastated. I stayed in bed and cried for days. This was a blow that would effect me the rest of my life (i was late teenager then). My fear of abandonment skyrocketed (it was already there because of my moms inconsistency). It took years to process this and recover and to this day in my own therapy, 4 weeks donít go by that we donít in some way talk about it. Its taken me 3 years to trust and understand that my T wont leave me like the other one did. Itís hard because I am so curious about my current T's life. I want to know more, i want her to love me. But I donít want to be her friend. That would ruin what we have, and what I have with her is one of the best therapeutic relationships I can imagine. I need that more than I need her to be my friend.

Getting involved with a T really messes things up and I think leaves you very confused....for a long, long time. I understand that you are weighing pros and cons of what you have with your T. That is so great! Make the best decision for you but know that regardless of what path you choose I will not judge you because I know how very hard it is. I would never recommend it, but I cant judge some one who felt the way I did then.

PS, If you are interested...a few years ago I contacted my T that left me. We had a great talk, I needed to process some stuff and I got some closure out of it. While the relationship went bad in the end this woman helped me a lot when I first went to her and will always be grateful for that part. I spoke with her again two months ago. Mainly just to say hello. Sometimes I want to tell her how much damage she did to me but I donít want to get caught in the past. I moved far since then. I think we both learned a lot from the experience. I still am.

 

Re: HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!! Ľ bent

Posted by annierose on February 27, 2006, at 16:24:42

In reply to HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!!, posted by bent on February 27, 2006, at 14:28:08

Thank you for sharing your story. I think it says a lot about you and your strengths. I can't even imagine the pain of having that relationship severed off so suddenly. She messed up and left you with all the baggage.

 

Re: HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!! Ľ bent

Posted by Daisym on February 27, 2006, at 23:25:37

In reply to HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!!, posted by bent on February 27, 2006, at 14:28:08

I want to thank you for sharing your story too. How painful for you! I can't imagine how devastated you must have been. I'm glad you found a therapist to help you. I dare say your former therapist went through a great deal of pain herself and you probably helped an enormous number of people who became her clients after you. Not that there is much comfort in being someone's learning tool .

I hope you know how brave you are.

 

Re: HappyFlower - This is regarding your post abov Ľ bent

Posted by Dinah on February 28, 2006, at 1:54:38

In reply to HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!!, posted by bent on February 27, 2006, at 14:28:08

I wanted to thank you for sharing your story too.

I think I hate that more than anything - that when they realize they've made a mistake, it's us who has to pay.

That's one reason I value the boundaries, and get uneasy at any crossing (even if I might enjoy the crossing). The boundaries protect us from them, in a strange way.

 

Re: HappyFlower - This is regarding your post abov

Posted by B2chica on February 28, 2006, at 9:14:33

In reply to HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!!, posted by bent on February 27, 2006, at 14:28:08

((((((((bent))))))))))
that must have been devistating. i'm so sorry for your loss, but you do now have great words of wisdom that could help many of us.
thank you for sharing.
b2c.

 

Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ Dinah

Posted by happyflower on February 28, 2006, at 10:08:48

In reply to Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ happyflower, posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 20:11:52

> Well, I would tend to agree, because I value the therapeutic relationship as a completely separate type of relationship than any other. Because I value the type of relationship, I'd be reluctant to jeopardize a good one, because they aren't that easy to come by.
>
I am learning this lesson, even though it is sort of a painful lesson. But in a way it is uplifting to accept what it is now which is truely wonderful. In a way the relationship is better than anything in real life could be.
I guess I was very lucky to get such a great T on my first therapy venture, so I don't know how rare it is. But I believe you.

 

Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ Daisym

Posted by happyflower on February 28, 2006, at 10:16:25

In reply to Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ happyflower, posted by Daisym on February 26, 2006, at 23:15:06


>
> Just don't be too hard on yourself if you find that it is harder to stop wishing for more than you thought it would be. I always say I don't want to want this...but I do.

Thanks Daisy, I know what you mean, really. I just am feeling it deep down that maybe me and my T's relationship is what it is and I should feel good about it.

>
> I'm glad you found the book helpful. I'm amazed at how much work you've done in a relatively short time. I'm at almost three years in May and you seem light years ahead of me.

Oh, Daisy, please don't compare progress, progress is progress not matter how fast it happens. I have passed my year mark in Jan, and I find it hard to believe. Therapy is so hard, but I believe the EMDR is what truley jump started my progress. It got to the nitty gritty of my pain that was holding me back from life. I guess I came to therapy at the right time for me.

> I hope the break from therapy continues to be a good one.
Thanks Daisy, ! I am feeling strong and not missing him like I normally am , like an obsession or something. I guess I might be detaching a bit, which might be a good thing.


 

Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ B2chica

Posted by happyflower on February 28, 2006, at 10:17:43

In reply to Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long), posted by B2chica on February 27, 2006, at 9:47:47

Thanks B2,
It feels like a huge milestone for me, really. It was a painful one, but I think I am doing the right thing even if it hurts.

 

Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ milly

Posted by happyflower on February 28, 2006, at 10:20:48

In reply to Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ happyflower, posted by milly on February 27, 2006, at 10:00:43

> Wow,I think it's great you can see that changing the relationship could spoil it, as it is he is your special T and nothing can change that.

It feel special in a way.

> I would desperatly like a social relationship with my T and truely believe in other circumstances we would have been special friends (had we been collegues or met socially)

I believe this too, to the heart of my being. I still have a special bond that nothing will change how I feel.


but what I have shared with him has felt 'sacred' which would have been spoilt had the relationship been anything other than a theraputic one.
> Still hurts like hell that it won't be though!

Yes, it hurts to give up "the dream" but in a way our relationship is scared, and that helps the pain . (((((MILLY))))

 

Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ Tabitha

Posted by happyflower on February 28, 2006, at 10:22:00

In reply to Re: I think I want my T to just be my T only(long) Ľ happyflower, posted by Tabitha on February 27, 2006, at 12:24:23

Thanks Tabitha,
Everything you said it right on in a nutshell. Growing up is hard to do.

 

Re: HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!! Ľ bent

Posted by happyflower on February 28, 2006, at 10:26:20

In reply to HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!!, posted by bent on February 27, 2006, at 14:28:08

Wow, bent, thanks for sharing your story. It brought tears to my eyes. Yes, it helps with my recent decision. I feel like I am doing the right thing, as conflicting as it is and as painful as it feels.
But it seems like it would be less painful for me to deceide this instead of him (my T ) making that choice for me . I can't imagine the pain you must have gone through. I am sorry that you got hurt. Thank you so much, you have helped me more than you will ever know. (((((Bent))))

 

Bent - poss. *Trig*

Posted by Susan47 on February 28, 2006, at 10:55:40

In reply to Re: HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!! Ľ bent, posted by happyflower on February 28, 2006, at 10:26:20

What you've been through with your T is so valuable, what a valuable experience for everybody to know about .. she should've remained your friend, admitted she messed up, and sent you to another T right away .. but the biggest thing she didn't do was apologize and confess to you. I wouldn't be too kind to her in my thoughts, but I suppose you'd have to be otherwise you'd get caught up in the pain of re-living what she did, and needing her to have a different reaction, which she didn't, she had the one she had and that's all ... people with no guts probably shouldn't be therapists. Why on earth couldn't she be big enough to admit her mistake to you? Why did you have to suffer so long? I'm sorry, I'm glad you're over it but it just angers me so much that the clients get left behind in these therapy faux pas situations, when with a little training and insight .. you know, a therapist is paid to have insight!!! WHY can't they admit their mistakes to the one person who deserves to know? Who deserves to come out of this, better off, not worse?
But one thing you did do, Bent, is you became strong and whole and perhaps because she didn't confess and apologize and acknowledge and take responsibility for causing you pain, and most of all because she changed the rules without your consent, you learned to play and be stronger ...

 

Re: HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!! Ľ bent

Posted by milly on March 1, 2006, at 10:08:18

In reply to HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!!, posted by bent on February 27, 2006, at 14:28:08

((((((bent))))))))))
Thanks for being brave enough to post that,it helps to remember it won't be flowers & roses if some of our fantasies were to come true
milly

 

Re: HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!! Ľ bent

Posted by gardenergirl on March 1, 2006, at 10:37:11

In reply to HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!!, posted by bent on February 27, 2006, at 14:28:08

Bent,
Sorry, I mingled these threads before I read your post. I didn't realize you were wanting to keep your post separate since it was more about your experience.

Next time I'll read more carefully.

gg

 

Re: HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!! Ľ gardenergirl

Posted by bent on March 2, 2006, at 14:38:11

In reply to Re: HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!! Ľ bent, posted by gardenergirl on March 1, 2006, at 10:37:11

O, thatís ok. It fits here, I was just afraid of hijacking HF's original post.

 

Re: HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!!

Posted by bent on March 2, 2006, at 14:39:36

In reply to HappyFlower - This is regarding your post above!!, posted by bent on February 27, 2006, at 14:28:08

I just wanted to say that I was glad to see the positive responses regarding the situation with my old T that I shared above. For years I felt it was my fault- that I was somehow not good or my neediness was repulsive and that was why I got dropped. I could never talk about it because I felt ashamed so it was nice to share it here and not be judged. I have come a long way since then and sometimes I need to remind myself of that. As much as I hate my Tís boundaries now, I know how much they protect both of us.


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