Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 613257

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Starting marriage counseling next week

Posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:16:48

I'm nervous.

Any tips, hints, advice, experiences?

gg

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week

Posted by LadyBug on February 25, 2006, at 19:02:14

In reply to Starting marriage counseling next week, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:16:48

GG
I wish it were me going to marriage counseling! But I'm afraid for my marriage it might be too late.
I've only heard that you have to face yourself and you have to talk to each other.
Good luck....I hope you reach your goals.
LadyBug

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week gardenergirl

Posted by Annierose on February 25, 2006, at 19:04:40

In reply to Starting marriage counseling next week, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:16:48

I don't have any hints or advice, but I have been (twice) and I will say, it did help, but not in way I thought it would. Both therapists zero'd in on my husband's contrary behavior. My hubby did feel like the everyone was against him --- as it should be (sly grin).

On the positive side, it forged more open communication between the two of us --- outside of therapy. And it helped him see that the world did reasonably see his behavior as angry.

BUT --- my individual therapy has helped more than anything. My T is really good at helping me start lines of conversation with my husband, and helping me with the words I need to express myself.

Don't know if that helped. Anything that gets 2 people to talk more openly can only be good.

Annie

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week gardenergirl

Posted by fallsfall on February 25, 2006, at 19:10:09

In reply to Starting marriage counseling next week, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:16:48

Talking is easy. Listening is hard.

I hope it really helps!

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week gardenergirl

Posted by Pfinstegg on February 25, 2006, at 22:53:32

In reply to Starting marriage counseling next week, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:16:48

We did it, and benefitted a lot. Everyone's experience is sure to be different, but the most difficult part for us was about the first six months, when a number of hurtful things were said by both of us.
After that, we knew what those were, and our counsellor helped us a lot to be more co-operative, listen to one another better, and make allowances more for one another's sensitive areas, We dealt with feelings, mostly, at first- then sex mostly, later. Best of all, though, we began to express our needs in better ways- and to get them met better. We were lucky to find a very empathic, encouraging cousellor who was very fair to us both. I think any marriage can get a lot better if you find someone like that, and hang in through the tough times.

PS: we're still going, but only every 3-4 weeks, and feel we are almost ready to stop.( We went for two years once a week)

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week gardenergirl

Posted by All Done on February 26, 2006, at 2:51:52

In reply to Starting marriage counseling next week, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:16:48

Hi, gg.

My husband and I went for about six weeks only. I think there was some benefit, but I wish we could have gone for longer. Even the short amount of time helped D to open up to me more regularly, though.

Good luck. The fact that you're going shows a real dedication to your marriage on both your and your husband's parts.

(((((gg and gg's hubby)))))

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week gardenergirl

Posted by Dinah on February 26, 2006, at 6:44:11

In reply to Starting marriage counseling next week, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:16:48

I wish you all the best, gg. A good counselor should make the process seem fairly smooth.

 

Re: I heard a simple analogy recently ...

Posted by Annierose on February 26, 2006, at 7:44:08

In reply to Starting marriage counseling next week, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:16:48

... on "Oprah", but it made sense to me.

The marriage counselor said to think of your marriage as your personal ATM machine with a certain balance. At the beginning of your marriage, it's full. As each partner takes out support and individual needs, the ATM balance begins to deplete. Each person needs to continually make deposits so the TLC is there when needed.

Kindof corny but I understood the visual.

And yes, Fallsfall is right, listening is important.

 

Re: I heard a simple analogy recently ... Annierose

Posted by gardenergirl on February 26, 2006, at 16:27:55

In reply to Re: I heard a simple analogy recently ..., posted by Annierose on February 26, 2006, at 7:44:08

Great analogy. I'd heard something similar before, and it makes a lot of sense. And it's a good way to think of how my husband feels "tapped out" right now.

Thanks,

gg

 

Thanks everyone

Posted by gardenergirl on February 26, 2006, at 16:29:46

In reply to Starting marriage counseling next week, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:16:48

Thanks for all the encouragement and for those who shared some of their experiences. I'm hopeful that this will be a good thing. But I'm nervous about feeling as if my flaws are being exposed by someone else or in front of someone else. I guess in individual therapy, it's like it's still a "secret" because it's just the two of you. You can look at the warts and frogs and be okay with it, when you feel safe and secure. But looking at them with "witnesses" seems much more intimidating.

I wonder what this says about me? Bleah.


gg

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week

Posted by caraher on February 26, 2006, at 18:03:49

In reply to Starting marriage counseling next week, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:16:48

My wife and I went for a while. But it was fruitless, and the big mistake was that we saw the same person I'd been seeing individually. My wife felt like we were "ganging up" on her.

Try to make it not be about placing blame (even though I know it's all his fault ;) ). It's really more about your future and problem solving than it is about the past. The past will inevitably come up, but you will not be in a courtroom. You're trying to make something better, not pick unnecessarily at old wounds.

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week gardenergirl

Posted by JenStar on February 27, 2006, at 18:40:32

In reply to Starting marriage counseling next week, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:16:48

hi gg,
my only advice is to go in with love. Try to listen hard, and don't react quickly even if you feel mad at something he says. Remember that this is the man you love, and you want to find that original spark. Keep trying to remember that, even when things get rough and/or ugly (as they sometimes do before they get better!)

best of luck to you. :)
JenStar

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week caraher

Posted by gardenergirl on March 1, 2006, at 9:34:45

In reply to Re: Starting marriage counseling next week, posted by caraher on February 26, 2006, at 18:03:49

> My wife and I went for a while. But it was fruitless, and the big mistake was that we saw the same person I'd been seeing individually. My wife felt like we were "ganging up" on her.

Ugh, that would feel awful, I'm sure. We made sure to find someone new to us both, and we tried to balance the recommendations of both of our T's, too.
>
> Try to make it not be about placing blame (even though I know it's all his fault ;) ). It's really more about your future and problem solving than it is about the past. The past will inevitably come up, but you will not be in a courtroom. You're trying to make something better, not pick unnecessarily at old wounds.


Thanks. This is good advice. I know there are a few things I'm still very hurt by, and I need to let him know, but at the same time, it feels like I'm just beating him up for the past. It feels unfair. But, I have to honor that I'm still upset. Do you ever wish that stuff could just be simple?

Thanks for your input. Sorry it didn't work out well for you.

gg

 

Good advice. Thanks! (nm) JenStar

Posted by gardenergirl on March 1, 2006, at 10:33:01

In reply to Re: Starting marriage counseling next week gardenergirl, posted by JenStar on February 27, 2006, at 18:40:32

 

So far, so good. (nm)

Posted by gardenergirl on March 1, 2006, at 10:33:24

In reply to Re: Starting marriage counseling next week gardenergirl, posted by JenStar on February 27, 2006, at 18:40:32

 

Great!!! (nm) gardenergirl

Posted by Dinah on March 1, 2006, at 10:37:26

In reply to So far, so good. (nm), posted by gardenergirl on March 1, 2006, at 10:33:24

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week gardenergirl

Posted by fairywings on March 6, 2006, at 23:21:55

In reply to Starting marriage counseling next week, posted by gardenergirl on February 25, 2006, at 17:16:48


Hi GG,

Hope it's going well for you, did you start yet? My husband and I went years ago, and it benefitted us a lot. Probs. then were a controlling mother in law, all is pretty well since then.

Fast forward to ex T and current T who have both been insistent that we date, get away together sans children (which has yet to happen), and the gift issue has been a big one. Missing the anniv., being moody on a b'day, and forgetting V-day must be signs - you know? We just had our 20th anniv., no card, no gift, a quick dinner out - which was nice, but boy was I embarrassed when my T asked! That was late last year, fast forward to V-day, and you better believe there were gifts, and a card! ; )

I think it can do wonders if both are willing to work for the benefit of the marriage.
I wish you good luck!
fairywings

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week fairywings

Posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2006, at 9:40:33

In reply to Re: Starting marriage counseling next week gardenergirl, posted by fairywings on March 6, 2006, at 23:21:55

Thanks sweetie. It does sound like it was helpful for you. We had our second session the other day. It felt a bit easier than the last. I also felt supported by the T about something my hubby tends to dismiss. That was nice. Of course we got homework. ewww. Hate homework. I almost never give it to my clients. :)

Hope you're surviving this dreary weather. My backyard is a swamp. I'll be in your neighborhood for a meeting tomorrow, actually. I'll wave in your general direction. :)

gg

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week gardenergirl

Posted by annierose on March 10, 2006, at 15:02:15

In reply to Re: Starting marriage counseling next week fairywings, posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2006, at 9:40:33

Smiled when I saw you had "homework". For my husband and I that involved a certain activity. It took away the fun of it, but we made sure we did our homework. Glad we weren't being graded!!

We had a thunderstorm 2 nights ago. It was cool. Now I can even smell green in the air. Can it be true? Spring will come soon?

 

Re: Starting marriage counseling next week gardenergirl

Posted by fairywings on March 10, 2006, at 15:44:42

In reply to Re: Starting marriage counseling next week fairywings, posted by gardenergirl on March 10, 2006, at 9:40:33


Hi GG,

Good that you felt supported by the T. Sometimes I think men can just be really thick, you know?........you don't have to answer that! ; ) and of course no men on this board are thick .....or they wouldn't be here, right?! LOL
Sorry, hope I didn't offend anyone.

Glad to hear you don't give homework - I HATE homework! bleh!

The weather has been so icky. Feel sorry for all the kids doing outdoor sports. Too much gloom, not enough sunshine, and someone said smelling "green" in the air - that's always nice.

We used to live in a house where the back yard got swampy, always worried when it was going to rain.

One of these days we'll have to do lunch when you're down here. Thanks for waving though! ; )
fw


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