Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 571410

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Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully?

Posted by orchid on October 24, 2005, at 14:30:19

I have a question about regressing back to old feelings and behaviours.

I tend to regress and feel the old ways every now and then.

Does that mean there are still issues to be worked out?

I don't know what it means to work out hereafter. I mean, I know pretty much what is there to know about my feelings, and have talked about them in detail. And I think to a good extent I have made peace with the feelings also.

So why does the painful feelings and behaviors come every now and then?

And what more should I do?

 

And why do I feel so ashamed? Ľ orchid

Posted by orchid on October 24, 2005, at 14:48:36

In reply to Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully?, posted by orchid on October 24, 2005, at 14:30:19

Nowadays if I regress into the old feelings and patterns, I get extremely embarrassed and ashamed of myself.

Like - why do I still feel this way after so long time and after all the working through?

It is extremely embarrasing, and I cringe in shame when the feelings come back.

 

Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ orchid

Posted by Poet on October 24, 2005, at 18:11:32

In reply to Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully?, posted by orchid on October 24, 2005, at 14:30:19

Hi Orchid,

Old painful feelings come up for me all the time. The last time I asked my T if I shouldn't be progressing, not regressing. She said they're both part of self awareness.

You said you've made peace with the feelings. That is progress, even if once and awhile those bad thoughts come crashing in. You are moving in the right direction faster than falling behind.

Poet

 

Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ Poet

Posted by orchid on October 24, 2005, at 18:46:18

In reply to Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ orchid, posted by Poet on October 24, 2005, at 18:11:32

Thanks Poet.

It is when the transference feelings surface again - it is the most shameful and embarrasing.

 

Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ orchid

Posted by JenStar on October 24, 2005, at 22:50:52

In reply to Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ Poet, posted by orchid on October 24, 2005, at 18:46:18

hi Orchid,
for me, I feel angry about transference feelings mostly because it's something I can't seem to control, and I like to control as much as I can in my life.

But transference (or other "crushes") seem so dang STRONG! How can something last so long? They last longer than 2nd-hand cigarette smell in drapes, and longer than the Energizer bunny!

aaarrrggghhh. When I was going through my "I have MS" phase (but didn't) I had to get lots of tests. I got a huge "crush" on my neurologist; if he was a P-doc, I probably would have called it transference, but since he wasn't really a "shrink" (although we did talk about my mindset and mental issues!) I don't know if that's the right word.

Now, several years later, I think there is still a little latent crush on him lingering around in the back of my mind! I'm sure that if I saw him again I'd feel the same feelings again.

I don't know what it is about feelings for other people that seem to last and last and last. I've met and forgotten so many other people, while I continue to remember HIM.

But I don't think you (or I, or anybody!) should feel morally ashamed, or get down on yourself, for having transference. If you like somebody -- whatever the word for the "like" you use -- you like them!

Maybe that's a precious thing and should be respected, at least by you in your mind. Maybe accept that this person will always have a special place in your heart, regardless of how he/she got there, and regardless of whether his/her heart has a pocket with your name on it. Maybe it's OK to have little special secret pockets of love in our hearts for other random people with whom we'll never have a 'real' relationship.

Maybe it's all just about human connection -- if we share something deep with another person, we can't HELP but love them in a way?

Anyway, I don't think you SHOULD feel shame! Of course, that's no advice on how to stop feeling it, I know. But at least, I don't fault you for feeling it.

Maybe feeling it again so strongly means that something in your life feels empty, lost, scared. I think we summon up our old loves and crushes when something in our current life doesn't feel "right" or complete. And we know that this past memory isn't going to satisfy us, but we regurgitate it anyway in the hopes that it might help us out a bit. So is there something right now that feels empty, lost, incomplete? What has changed lately? That's what I'd look for.

I hope you're doing ok. take care!
JenStar

 

Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ JenStar

Posted by orchid on October 25, 2005, at 14:25:33

In reply to Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ orchid, posted by JenStar on October 24, 2005, at 22:50:52

Thanks Jen for your thoughtful reply.

I actually do understand what you are saying, but I can't seem to help the feeling of being embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I feel so ashamed.

Maybe it has something to do with my poor self esteem. Any kind of rejection or termination is extremely hard to take for me. And I end up feeling so ashamed of myself if I can't get myself rid of the feelings. Perhaps the way the termination ended with my first T still troubles me at times. I feel like I am untouchable and feel so ashamed that I wrote to him so much.

Maybe I am still not quite at peace with my feelings and the troubled feelings come up every once in a while.

 

Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ orchid

Posted by Tamar on October 25, 2005, at 15:52:51

In reply to Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ JenStar, posted by orchid on October 25, 2005, at 14:25:33

Hi Orchid,

I find it happens to me too. Some days the transference will all come flooding back. I canít always identify a reason why (although sometimes itís obvious why itís happening).

And, like you, I usually feel embarrassed and ashamed. However, a few times recently itís been a little different: Iíve felt the intense feelings of love but itís been like the feelings of love for someone whoís simply no longer there rather than the shame of love that was rejected. So I hope that means itíll start getting a bit easier. And I hope it will get easier for you too.

> I feel like I am untouchable and feel so ashamed that I wrote to him so much.

The word Ďuntouchableí is precisely the word that comes to my mind when I feel like this. Itís horrible, isnít it? I just want to be hugged but I feel Iím too disgusting for anyone to want to touch me.

> Maybe I am still not quite at peace with my feelings and the troubled feelings come up every once in a while.

I think feeling completely at peace takes a long time. Old feelings can continue to return for a while. If you continue to feel well, I think they should get less disruptive eventually.

One thing Iíve been trying to get my head around recently is the distinction between transference and attachment. I think perhaps Iíve been calling all of my feelings transference when in fact a great deal of it was attachment. And somehow attachment doesnít feel as embarrassing to me as transference. Of course, I realise Iím talking about theoretical ideas that I havenít studied and whose meanings are open to debateÖ so Iím prepared to be put right by people who know better!

Anyway, Iím in a place now where I (mostly) feel that it was OK to want to be near him and to want him to be part of my life. Iím still a bit embarrassed that I wanted to tear off his clothes, but I keep telling myself that it was probably inevitable in the circumstancesÖ Maybe Iíll believe myself one day!

I hope you can find a way to come to believe that it was OK and perfectly appropriate for you to experience those feelings for your therapist, and that theyíre nothing to be ashamed of.

Tamar

 

Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ Tamar

Posted by orchid on October 25, 2005, at 20:12:05

In reply to Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ orchid, posted by Tamar on October 25, 2005, at 15:52:51

Thanks Tamar.

Perhaps the reason why I still find it hard to not feel ashamed is the way my termination went. Maybe the reason why you find it little easier and not feel rejected is because you never told your T about your feelings.

Whereas I did tell him, and initially he was quite ok with it, but towards the end, he started getting irritated I think. So, during termination he was extremely abrupt and somewhat cold. And he didn't give me any reassurance or show any warmth or understanding. And he stopped all communication abruptly. So it led to even more feelings of shame and embarrasment and feeling untouchable and kind of like "you are not worth it" feeling.

Perhaps that is why it takes so long to heal. But you are right, it is much much better these days. I try to push it out of my mind and not let it bother me. And mostly I have made my peace also and am trying to find my own self worth. Plus things have been really better with my husband, so that is helping quite a bit.

Thanks for your understanding.

 

Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ orchid

Posted by Tamar on October 26, 2005, at 5:21:12

In reply to Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ Tamar, posted by orchid on October 25, 2005, at 20:12:05

Hi Orchid,

> Perhaps the reason why I still find it hard to not feel ashamed is the way my termination went.

Yes, Iím sure youíre right. It was very wrong of him to terminate you like that.

> Maybe the reason why you find it little easier and not feel rejected is because you never told your T about your feelings.

The funny thing is, I felt rejected for months despite never having given him the opportunity to reject me. It must be projectionÖ But of course the termination part went well and itís been getting easier recently partly because of that.

> Whereas I did tell him, and initially he was quite ok with it, but towards the end, he started getting irritated I think. So, during termination he was extremely abrupt and somewhat cold. And he didn't give me any reassurance or show any warmth or understanding. And he stopped all communication abruptly. So it led to even more feelings of shame and embarrasment and feeling untouchable and kind of like "you are not worth it" feeling.

Yes, Iím sure. Itís natural to feel that his coldness and irritation and abrupt termination were his response to your feelings, even though he was leaving his practice and had professional reasons for the terminationÖ though he certainly didnít handle it in the best way. (((((Orchid)))))

> Perhaps that is why it takes so long to heal. But you are right, it is much much better these days. I try to push it out of my mind and not let it bother me. And mostly I have made my peace also and am trying to find my own self worth. Plus things have been really better with my husband, so that is helping quite a bit.

Iím really glad things are better with your husband. I can imagine that it helps.

Tamar

 

Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ Tamar

Posted by orchid on October 26, 2005, at 14:02:20

In reply to Re: Does regression mean you haven't worked out fully? Ľ orchid, posted by Tamar on October 26, 2005, at 5:21:12

Thanks Tamar.

I guess all the feelings does not really matter anymore. And I think I really can't do anything more to heal further. I have reached my limits of the capacity to change. And I am not planning on any therapy anytime soon, so whatever the problems are left, I think I shall just live with them and maybe time will answer the rest of the issues.

Talking to you always makes my mind somewhat more peaceful :-)

You have a very nice way of putting things.

Maybe as you said, the rejection is also a projection, and maybe it doesn't really matter how the termination went.


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