Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 567926

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Re: I think I'm sorry I know so much about therapy Dinah

Posted by fallsfall on October 17, 2005, at 14:45:17

In reply to I think I'm sorry I know so much about therapy, posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 9:04:36

My therapy did get more effective when I stopped trying to understand what he was doing, and just let him do it. I guess I was spending a lot of time trying to figure out what he was trying to "get" from me. So much time that he wasn't "getting" *me* - he was just getting what I thought he wanted to get. Sort of like I was trying too hard to meet his expectations. And he didn't really have expectations - he just wanted to know *me* (whoever that was).

But the only way I could let go of constantly analyzing what he was doing was to trust him. To trust that he knew what he was doing. To trust that he had my best interests at heart. To trust that he cared. It wasn't until then that I was able to let my guard down and show him who I really am.

And that takes time. I picked him because he was efficient, and smart, and had a dreamy English accent. None of which have anything to do with whether he was trustworthy. You have to have SOME criteria for choosing, but I don't think that it is possible to assess trustworthiness at the beginning.

 

Re: I don't feel the same way Dinah

Posted by fallsfall on October 17, 2005, at 14:48:54

In reply to Re: I don't feel the same way fallsfall, posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 8:52:54

Not stupid at all for him to be on your mind.

I'll try to listen to you with more of a focus on *you* - on how *you* are feeling about the whole business, rather than judging him or commenting on whether he is being helpful to you or not. Would that help?

 

Re: I don't feel the same way Dinah

Posted by orchid on October 17, 2005, at 14:57:30

In reply to I don't feel the same way, posted by Dinah on October 16, 2005, at 21:43:38

I am sorry you are feeling the loss of the connection.

I think some therapists are not very good in writing. Some people are good in talking, some in writing.

I think your therapist just has probably a poor writing style.

Plus, I also think Katrina has affected him more than it has affected you, and maybe he is yet to recover from it himself too.

I think maybe you just need to give him sometime to come back to form. And hang in there with the help of some other therapist.

((Dinah))

 

Well....

Posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 15:45:02

In reply to Re: I don't feel the same way Dinah, posted by orchid on October 17, 2005, at 14:57:30

Maybe it's the Risperdal, or maybe I'm just in a more up mood today, but I feel more like laughing and rolling my eyes at his latest email than crying.

Or maybe it's because I do still care about the big idiot, and feel in the mood for forgiving him.

Although I still think I'd have to be in a reasonably good, detached, mood to feel that way.

 

Thanks for saying that. :) JenStar

Posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 15:46:38

In reply to Re: I don't feel the same way Dinah, posted by JenStar on October 17, 2005, at 10:45:51

But if he terminates me for good, I'll give everyone the right to feel as negatively about him as they like.

 

Re: I don't feel the same way cricket

Posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 16:31:10

In reply to Re: I don't feel the same way Dinah, posted by cricket on October 17, 2005, at 10:04:47

Chuckle.

I like that idea.

Because while I probably can't tell at a quick look which therapists would work well for me, I can sure tell at a quick look which ones *won't*.

I was hoping to get a bit value added and get a different gender perspective by choosing a female therapist. But if that doesn't work out I'll try a male. It's only three weeks now till I see my therapist (ONLY??!!!).

Maybe I'll wait and find out if he has any earthly idea what his plans may be before I try out any more therapists. Because once I know his plans, I can make mine better.

Geez. I sound like that middle school girl again, waiting by the phone. :(

 

Re: I don't feel the same way 10derHeart

Posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 16:39:20

In reply to Re: I don't feel the same way Dinah, posted by 10derHeart on October 17, 2005, at 13:01:25

Eeek! is right.

Sometimes I feel like screaming Too Much Information! Too Much Information! It's sort of like when I found out (ok, this is embarassing) that you could just pull those tiny screws out of a light switch plate and it would come right off. Good grief! Is the house that flimsy?

So it's sort of funny that that's the exact question he asked.

But it's also kind of heady to be in that "special" client position. I don't *think* (and I certainly hope not) that he's so open with all his clients. And I did encourage his view of me as a caretaker a bit. As a way to stay in touch without being intrusive, I emailed him a lot of helpful information while we were evacuated. Like I found out that he didn't listen to the radio as much as I did, so if I heard an announcement that would particularly apply to him, I'd send it off to him with a self-deprecatory note that he probably already had this, but... And a fair amount of the time he hadn't already heard it, and was appreciative that I told him.

And the whole thing did make me feel special and cared for, really cared for, in a way that never even occurred to me in ten years of relationship.

I can't say I'm blameless in this. Even now, when I sort of want to say "Stop. You're the *therapist*. I'm the *client*." I don't. Saying that would mean losing something, and that something may be all that I have left.

 

Re: I don't feel the same way fallsfall

Posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 16:42:19

In reply to Re: I don't feel the same way Dinah, posted by fallsfall on October 17, 2005, at 14:48:54

Weellllll...

I must confess that your criticism has been quite helpful too. It's a bit crazymaking not to know what to make of a situation. To think that something is off, but not to be sure you're sufficiently detached to make an accurate observation. To not know if you're overreacting to something that isn't as bad as you think. It helps to have someone clarify that.

So don't change a thing. :)

 

Re: I don't feel the same way orchid

Posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 16:44:11

In reply to Re: I don't feel the same way Dinah, posted by orchid on October 17, 2005, at 14:57:30

I'm going to try. I just wish I knew that he would be there for me to come back to, even eventually.

There's a few things that I will do differently if I know he's terminating me.

And only sometimes do they involve my previous plan.

Sometimes they're more about moving. Maybe building a house.

 

Pride goeth before a fall, etc. etc.

Posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 17:06:16

In reply to Re: I don't feel the same way 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 16:39:20

I remember when Ms. Lott was here, talking about falling into the trap of wanting to feel special.

And I thought "That will never happen to me. Not with my therapist's strong boundaries. Besides, I have no sexual interest in him."

Well, I still have no sexual interest in him, but the rest of it was sheer arrogance on my part.

I did fall into that trap.

I think I started to relate to him in the way I'm most comfortable relating with "grown ups", especially grown up men. I started to relate to him the way I did with Daddy. I always knew the impulse towards my therapist - at least since Daddy died, but he never gave me an inch to do it before.

I took care of Daddy in some ways so that he would take care of me in the ways I needed. So that he would love me, like he didn't love the rest of the family. Because he appreciated that I loved him, and showed it by taking care of him, and he reciprocated by loving me, and showing it by taking care of me.

That shouldn't be wrong, should it?

 

Re: Pride goeth before a fall, etc. etc. Dinah

Posted by orchid on October 17, 2005, at 17:37:54

In reply to Pride goeth before a fall, etc. etc., posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 17:06:16

Everybody wants to feel special to their therapist. Irrespective of sexual attraction or not.

And what you have written about your relationship with your father is perfectly valid. All of us want to go that extra mile to get the affection if it is not offered freely. Kids will go that extra mile to get what they want. Just that every kid shows it in different way - some kids show that they need attention by being sick all the time, some pretend to be indifferent, some rude, some arrogant, some get abusive, some get very polite and nice, some become the woman in the family, some take care of others.

It was not your fault. You just had one of the many coping mechanisms.

Plus, with your T, maybe you ended up developing some of the same feeling - take care of him and try to be extra nice to him and be loyal to him, and hoped that he would reciproacate by treating you special. IT is a trap we all fall into. And then it hurts when it doesn't happen. But guess what, Ts are aware of this attribute, and don't wnat to encourage it, simply becuase it is not good for you in the long run.

 

Re: Pride goeth before a fall, etc. etc. Dinah

Posted by JenStar on October 17, 2005, at 18:50:21

In reply to Pride goeth before a fall, etc. etc., posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 17:06:16

hi Dinah,
I don't think it's wrong. Like Orchid said, it's part of normal human nature and it's just something we all do to some extent.

The fact is, you *are* special to him in a certain way since you've been together so long, and there's just no getting around that. The sheer amount of time you've had to develop the relationship -- onesided as it may normally be -- does mean that you *probably* mean more to him than the average client.

I think about people I've worked with or been friends with for 5-10 years. I know it's different from therapy, but I feel a certain special affection for people I've known a long time (as long as they're not jerks or a-holes!) that I dont' always feel for short-term friends.

It's going to be strange, maybe, to go back to being "regular" client and T, if you do go back to it. But if you DO go back to it, maybe you can use this in-between kind of time as a learning experience. He can see how you cope in action, how you deal with stress, how you organize -- SEE it rather than just HEAR about it. Hopefully that would strengthen his insight into your behavior and actions and help therapy leap forward in new directions!

He's a good T in general, and you're a smart/cool person. If you both go back to the standard therapy relationship, I have confidence that you'll figure it out again, and re-establish the boundaries. In the meantime, it's sort of a war zone for people affected by the storm. I think if boundaries get in the way of survival, they *need* to come down temporarily.

I hope you're doing OK. Keep us updated!
JenStar

 

Re: Pride goeth before a fall, etc. etc. Dinah

Posted by Annierose on October 17, 2005, at 18:55:41

In reply to Pride goeth before a fall, etc. etc., posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 17:06:16

Of course it's not wrong, but natural. The difference right now is that you are not receiving regular, on-going (i.e. weekly) therapy with him. Otherwise, these feelings would be perfect conversation for many many therapy sessions. Rather, you're left holding onto these feelings and not being able to discuss them. And on top of that painful aspect of your current relationship, his boundaries have slipped, adding to your confusion.

I like what everyone else said. Especially lining up 20 therapists and picking which ones to interview ... in the line-up, they should be expected to utter a few phrases, such as "We seem to be running out of time today" or "What are you thinking about?" ... just to know if we like their tone.

It sounds like today's e-mail was more comforting to you. I'm glad.

Have you ever heard the song from the soundtrack "Avenue Q" ... "It sucks to be me"? It would bring a smile to your face.

Annie

 

I miss therapy :(

Posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 19:46:58

In reply to Re: Pride goeth before a fall, etc. etc. Dinah, posted by Annierose on October 17, 2005, at 18:55:41

This is sort of what happened. I don't know, does this mean I can do it without him?

I went from feeling angry at him to realizing the contribution I made to the problem and my reasons for contributing to it.

Ok, I still think his part of it is funny (at least today I do), but I am beginning to consider my own part in it.

I appreciate you guys, and your confidence that we can one day get back to something approximating normal. I am facing the fact that it won't be easy if he redraws the boundaries, along with the terror that he'll never have the chance.

Annierose, I sure feel that way sometimes. But then I look around me and realize how really fortunate I am. Then I get mad that *this* is fortunate nowadays. What's the world coming to when you can't even have a good wallowing in self pity because you know your neighbors have it ever ever ever so much worse.

 

Re: I miss therapy :( Dinah

Posted by Annierose on October 17, 2005, at 20:58:38

In reply to I miss therapy :(, posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 19:46:58

You are doing without him! But of course you miss him and look forward to your sessions and your e-mails and hope that it can go back to some sort of "normal". Grieving. Grieving so much of what you lost, material and otherwise.

My T always reminds me you can't compare suffering, pain ... whatever label you want to put on it. Everyone deserves to feel better in his or her own life. Everyone deserves to feel loved, understood and apprepriated. And when we make ourselves stronger, we can help lift up those around us, especially our children and our husbands (on occasion).

I hope you don't blame yourself for anything. You were both in the midst of a wide-scale natural diaster. Talking about shaking up the theraputic framework. Everything changed and is still changing.

Go ahead and wallow. But I'm still glad that you thought his part in it was "funny" ... that means you had a smile on your face for at least a little bit.

 

Re: I miss therapy :( Dinah

Posted by fallsfall on October 18, 2005, at 7:22:27

In reply to I miss therapy :(, posted by Dinah on October 17, 2005, at 19:46:58

Yes, you did have a part in the boundaries coming down. But so did he.

And it was his job to keep the boundaries up. Don't discount his responsibility here.

It is always good to see our own contributions, but just because you contributed, that doesn't let him off the hook.

 

sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger.

Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2005, at 13:17:14

In reply to Re: I miss therapy :( Dinah, posted by fallsfall on October 18, 2005, at 7:22:27

It looks like involuntary termination.

I think I'm going to tell him not to contact me anymore until our meeting, which I expect will last about five minutes as he tells me he won't be available to see me anymore.

Life s*cks.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be forever therapy.

I don't know what to do.

I swing back and forth so. One minute I'm looking up gun dealers, the next minute I'm thinking that I'd be ok without him. I've been ok these three weeks, right? But I haven't been ok.

I want to tell him I don't want to do the sixth even. But then I vear towards wanting to keep the appointment and make him pay for hurting me so. (No, Dr. Bob, I'm not threatening violence toward him. No need to call the police.)

I hate this. I hate him.

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. Dinah

Posted by JenStar on October 18, 2005, at 14:11:41

In reply to sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger., posted by Dinah on October 18, 2005, at 13:17:14

hi Dinah,
I'm glad that even if you waver sometimes, you always make the "right" decision -- aka avoiding the gun dealers, and doing what it takes to keep yourself healthy and HERE.

I'm really glad about that, because even though I know Babble might not be the biggest or most important part of your life, YOU are very important here!

I think you're a wonderful, valuable person and I'm glad that you're here and that you're struggling through all this, even though it sucks.

You WILL be OK in time. It WILL get better. :)
JenStar

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger.

Posted by Annierose on October 18, 2005, at 14:25:15

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. Dinah, posted by JenStar on October 18, 2005, at 14:11:41

I wish I knew how to comfort you. But you have survived without him for more than 3 weeks. You really lost your regular on-going support on August 29th, so you are far stronger than you realize.

What changed today? Have you receive an e-mail today from him? Has T3 gotten back with you regarding a referral or rather, she can see you?

You are so valuable. Hold your son in your arms tonight (if he still lets you). Remember how much he needs his mommy, just like you need your mommy-therapist. Yes, he really feels that attached to YOU! And he thinks you're the perfect mommy for him!

 

I guess mood swings are comparatively normal

Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2005, at 17:25:07

In reply to Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger., posted by Annierose on October 18, 2005, at 14:25:15

All that really happened was what he didn't say. He didn't give the reassurance I requested, as he normally has no trouble doing. In fact, he went to a fair amount of verbal gymnastics not to give it.

So I'm assuming that means he can't give it.

I'm trying to remember that you can get through the pain. That it's like any other relationship that ends painfully. It feels like you'll never get over it, but you will. And I've got my son, and my husband, etc. But that's easier to remember once the Risperdal kicks in.

 

Blessing in Disguise Dinah

Posted by orchid on October 18, 2005, at 17:32:56

In reply to I guess mood swings are comparatively normal, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2005, at 17:25:07

Somehow I have a really strong feeling that what happened with your T will end up being a good thing.

I had been recently feeling, you had reached a plateau with him. And it was time to let go and move on.

Even though he was safe to hold on to, I think it wasn't helping you as much as it should have been.

New life and change is always hard to adjust to, and looks threatening in the beginning, but you might just be glad few months down the line for the way things turned out to be. You might emerge into a more happier and peaceful person.

Just hang in there.

 

Re: Blessing in Disguise

Posted by Pfinstegg on October 18, 2005, at 17:59:38

In reply to Blessing in Disguise Dinah, posted by orchid on October 18, 2005, at 17:32:56

Oh, Dinah- this is awfully hard after ten years. Is he actually settling someplace far away from you? Has he decided to give up being a therapist altogether? Painful as it would be, I do think at least a few sessions to help terminate would be better than such an abrupt ending.

 

Re: I guess mood swings are comparatively normal Dinah

Posted by gardenergirl on October 18, 2005, at 23:06:51

In reply to I guess mood swings are comparatively normal, posted by Dinah on October 18, 2005, at 17:25:07

I think mood swings are very normal in a time like that.

And I really do think you're going to be okay. You've got some good coping strategies. Reminding yourself of what you do have, and that pain passes (or at least waxes and wanes?) are very good ways to cope.

(((dinah)))

Please keep letting us know how we can help.

Oh, and I need to reply to your last email...I will. Promise.

gg

 

Re: sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger. Dinah

Posted by cricket on October 19, 2005, at 7:36:58

In reply to sigh. Today it doesn't look so funny. Trigger., posted by Dinah on October 18, 2005, at 13:17:14

(((((Dinah)))))

It is so hard. It's hard under normal circumstances when we feel rejected by our therapists and now to add it to everything else you are dealing with.

I wish I could just snap my fingers and take you back to before the storm.

But maybe some good can come out of all of this upheaval.

My therapist said to me yesterday, "Can't you believe that good can come from change?"

It's hard to believe it sometimes, but in your case Dinah I will. I'll hold onto the belief that things can get better for you.

 

I could never see it that way. orchid

Posted by Dinah on October 19, 2005, at 10:25:58

In reply to Blessing in Disguise Dinah, posted by orchid on October 18, 2005, at 17:32:56

For me abandonments are never blessings, disguised or not.


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