Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 512000

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feeling totally frusterated!

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 11:28:41

Wed. is my therapy appointment, I have really thought a lot about things, have some great insites in I think about my life. But as you all know from my previous posts I am stuggling with my feelings about my marriage and my living my life to the fullest.
Well 2 appointments ago he mentioned about me be critical of him and I realized I am just too critial of everything. Well how do I do therapy then without being critical. I have things to talk about that I am not happy about, things that are happening in the present and things in the past. If I am trying to less critical, how do I say anything to him? I feel like I need to act lady like and behave or I will look bad little girl, or a totally B*tch. I am now ready to talk and really open up, because I fully trust my T, but now, I am afraid to say anything wrong. Should I ask his permission to be my old self for now with him?
He is truely being a mad scientist with my brain right now. (oh, I am sorry, is that too critical of him?) I feel like going in his office and telling him off right now! I feel MAD at him right now. That's a first! ( or is that too critical?) Maybe I should just go in tommorrow and sit in the corner with my nose to the wall. What would he think then? ( or am I being too critical of myself) OR wait, isn't it HE who is being critical of ME? AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH! I am beginning to HATE therapy.

 

Nobody better say I m experienceing transference! (nm)

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 11:33:19

In reply to feeling totally frusterated!, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 11:28:41

 

T finally got under my skin, I bet he is smirking! (nm)

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 12:02:26

In reply to feeling totally frusterated!, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 11:28:41

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower

Posted by fallsfall on June 13, 2005, at 12:45:36

In reply to feeling totally frusterated!, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 11:28:41

When he says that you are critical, he might not be saying that you should *change* what you are doing. He might just be labeling what you Are doing. Perhaps you need to spend some time talking about how you feel critical, and when (in your past) you have felt critical.

I am almost positive that he doesn't want you to stop being honest with him in order to sound less critical.

Ask *him* how you should deal with this. These are important issues to talk about in therapy.

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower

Posted by Tamar on June 13, 2005, at 12:54:55

In reply to feeling totally frusterated!, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 11:28:41

> Wed. is my therapy appointment, I have really thought a lot about things, have some great insites in I think about my life. But as you all know from my previous posts I am stuggling with my feelings about my marriage and my living my life to the fullest.

I know that feeling!

> Well 2 appointments ago he mentioned about me be critical of him and I realized I am just too critial of everything. Well how do I do therapy then without being critical. I have things to talk about that I am not happy about, things that are happening in the present and things in the past. If I am trying to less critical, how do I say anything to him? I feel like I need to act lady like and behave or I will look bad little girl, or a totally B*tch. I am now ready to talk and really open up, because I fully trust my T, but now, I am afraid to say anything wrong. Should I ask his permission to be my old self for now with him?

Maybe he mentioned your being critical of him in order to encourage you to think about whether you are critical of other people too?

But also: there can be a difference between critique and criticism. Critique is talking about things that are bothering you, and being able to evaluate and discuss your feelings and thoughts in a balanced way (though it isnt always possible to be so objective!). Making mostly unfavourable remarks without looking at potentially favourable aspects of things might be termed criticism.

On the other hand, sometimes we feel cr*ppy and need to vent a bit. Theres nothing wrong with being a b*tch from time to time. I like to be in touch with my inner b*tch. I really dont think you need to behave like a lady! But maybe its worth exploring why you feel so strongly about things that ladylike behaviour isnt terribly appealing to you?

> He is truely being a mad scientist with my brain right now. (oh, I am sorry, is that too critical of him?) I feel like going in his office and telling him off right now! I feel MAD at him right now. That's a first! ( or is that too critical?) Maybe I should just go in tommorrow and sit in the corner with my nose to the wall. What would he think then? ( or am I being too critical of myself) OR wait, isn't it HE who is being critical of ME? AAAAUUUUUGGGGHHHH! I am beginning to HATE therapy.

Let him have it! Im sure he can take it. Maybe hell help you understand why you feel so angry, and help you explore how you express and manage your anger. He sounds like a good T; Im sure he can handle anything you throw at him.

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower

Posted by Jazzed on June 13, 2005, at 13:07:32

In reply to feeling totally frusterated!, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 11:28:41


I guess to get beyond his comment about your being critical, you might want to address that with him first. Tell him if he thinks you're too critical, then you don't feel comfortable discussing anything with him. I'd guess most things in our lives we don't like, we're critical of, and those are what's fodder for therapy. It's your dime baby! You shouldn't feel bad discussing anything in any way that's sincere. You have a right to be mad at him, you're paying him to help you with this stuff. When people have so much influence over us, we can sure p/u on comments that can hurt us more than that person would ever imagine.

BTW, I tend to be critical too, and very thin skinned.
Jazzy

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated!

Posted by PM80 on June 13, 2005, at 13:37:00

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower, posted by Tamar on June 13, 2005, at 12:54:55

I think you should tell him how you feel, but do take into consideration HOW you tell him. You have a right to every feeling that passes through your body. It is what it is. But be blantantly honest. I have found that it actually really works with my therapist. Here are the things I would directly say:

"I feel like you are being a mad scientist with my brain."
"I feel angry about that."
"when you told me that I am critical of you, I wasn't sure why you said it. I wondered if it bothered you. I wondered if I bothered you. Now I am wondering if I need to be lady-like becuase I am afraid that any other behavior at all will make me look like a whiner or a bitch."
"I am afraid of saying something wrong."
"I am trying to open up, but I do not know how to without being critical."
"How do I do that?"

Being absolutely honest makes it not critical. It is not manipulative. Just lay the facts out there and your T may surprise you.

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower

Posted by pinkeye on June 13, 2005, at 13:53:53

In reply to feeling totally frusterated!, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 11:28:41

I think you need to get more slow and detailed therapy instead of this fast paced 2 month thingy. Is there a way you could afford it?

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower

Posted by JenStar on June 13, 2005, at 14:36:28

In reply to feeling totally frusterated!, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 11:28:41

It sounds like a sticky situation! Every time you want to criticize something, you feel you can't because you've been accused of being "too critical." So you have to censor yourself. And then you're not being authentic.

Can you tell him something like, "I feel I can't be honest with you because we talked about me being overly critical. Now I'm afraid to say ANYTHING critical and have it taken seriously, because you've already pre-labeled me as a CRITICAL person and might discount my criticism."

Or say something like, "I understand that I'm critical, perhaps overly critical sometimes. But we both need to understand that while I am sometimes overly critical, at other times my criticism is well-placed and right on the mark. Can you work with me to make sure we both see the differences? For example, I'd like to talk about XXX or YYY. I have a criticicm and I want to be sure that you take it seriously and don't assume that I'm jumping to critical conclusions," or something like that.

It doesn't sound like transference to me. It just sounds like you're at a rocky place in therapy!

good luck!
JenStar

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! fallsfall

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 15:47:26

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower, posted by fallsfall on June 13, 2005, at 12:45:36

> When he says that you are critical, he might not be saying that you should *change* what you are doing. He might just be labeling what you Are doing. Perhaps you need to spend some time talking about how you feel critical, and when (in your past) you have felt critical.
>
You make a good point here. He only told me that he feels I am critical of him. But then it was me who saw that maybe I act like this with almost everyone. I do appreciate his honesty, but it was hard to take critisism from him. But he was right, and I am trying to work on it, but maybe I am over doing it a bit.


> I am almost positive that he doesn't want you to stop being honest with him in order to sound less critical.
>
> Ask *him* how you should deal with this. These are important issues to talk about in therapy.

I think you are right this is an issue that we need to discuss Wed. There is so many things I want to talk about, I wish therapy could last longer than 50 min. Thanks fallsfall for you input! :)

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! Tamar

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 15:53:52

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower, posted by Tamar on June 13, 2005, at 12:54:55

> >
> Maybe he mentioned your being critical of him in order to encourage you to think about whether you are critical of other people too?
>
Yeah, I think you might be right. I guess it is better for ME to see for myself that maybe I am doing this to other people other than him, then HIM telling me I am doing this. T's I think can be trickly ones! lol

> Let him have it! Im sure he can take it. Maybe hell help you understand why you feel so angry, and help you explore how you express and manage your anger. He sounds like a good T; Im sure he can handle anything you throw at him.
>
>
I will try to let him have it, I have done it before, and it was a very productive session! lol I am not afraid to let him know what I think, he knows that too! The first thing I do when I feel this way, I tell him he is probably going to kick me out of the room . He just laughs, but I think he says to himself, OH, BOY, here we go! He handles me well I must say.

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! Jazzed

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 15:59:15

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower, posted by Jazzed on June 13, 2005, at 13:07:32

>
> I guess to get beyond his comment about your being critical, you might want to address that with him first.

You are right, I think this is the first thing we need to discuss.

> BTW, I tend to be critical too, and very thin skinned.

Jazzy, I am like that too, I wonder why we are the way we are. By the way, did you read my response to you from the social board about men and sex? I was only kidding, I hope you know that! Thanks, Jazzy!

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! PM80

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 16:01:24

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated!, posted by PM80 on June 13, 2005, at 13:37:00

> I think you should tell him how you feel, but do take into consideration HOW you tell him. . Here are the things I would directly say:
> >
> Being absolutely honest makes it not critical. It is not manipulative. Just lay the facts out there and your T may surprise you.

Thank you for the great advice, it gives me a lot more to think about. How do you think my T will surprise me? I don't like his surprises! lol

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! pinkeye

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 16:03:49

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower, posted by pinkeye on June 13, 2005, at 13:53:53

> I think you need to get more slow and detailed therapy instead of this fast paced 2 month thingy. Is there a way you could afford it?

Hey, Pinkeye, are you okay? I am worried about you, girl! By the way, I am in therapy for as long as I need it whether it is 2 more months or 2 more years. It is tough paying for it, because our insurance is sucky, but we can afford it, but sometime I would rather buy some exotic plants for my garden instead! lol

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated!

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 16:07:06

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower, posted by JenStar on June 13, 2005, at 14:36:28

> It sounds like a sticky situation! Every time you want to criticize something, you feel you can't because you've been accused of being "too critical." So you have to censor yourself. And then you're not being authentic.
>
Jen, sometimes you get me so well, it is scary! lol This is exactly how I feel, in much less space than I took up to explain it! lol I like your advice on what to say to him.
>>
> It doesn't sound like transference to me. It just sounds like you're at a rocky place in therapy!
>
> Yup, it seems rocky doesn't it. Boy is he in trouble Wed., I think this time he really will kick me out of his office! lol :)

 

I am allright. Very busy at work though happyflower

Posted by pinkeye on June 13, 2005, at 16:09:14

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated! pinkeye, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 16:03:49

Tahnks for asking. I have been burdened with too many responsibilities at work.

I think you should seriously consider long term therapy to answer all the questions that you have and you seem to enjoy it anyway !!! But do check with your T if he is the right one for you to do that kind of therapy. If he is interested in going back to childhood and figuring everything out and taking you through a slow healing process and work with transference that you feel etc. Otherwise, find a nice woman T and go to her. In my experience, men are good in short term, goal oriented CBT style therapy. And women are good in long term, more detailed and emotional therapy.

 

Above post for JenStar***** (nm)

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 16:09:43

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated!, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 16:07:06

 

Re: I am allright. Very busy at work though pinkeye

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 16:21:15

In reply to I am allright. Very busy at work though happyflower, posted by pinkeye on June 13, 2005, at 16:09:14

> I am glad you are okay, Pinkeye! You must have a very important job, I am impressed! I am a women hear me roar! lol
My T is a very good one for me. He does cognative therapy mostly, but he also isn't excusive to to it only. I get the feeling that cognative therapy isn't popular on these boards, why is that? We do talk a lot about my past childhood, we have to in order to do EMDR. When I asked him last month what kind of therapy that he does, I was surprised at his answer, I thought it was more like physo dynamic supportive therapy. But he will take as long as I need to heal and I am sure he will do anything to help me get there no matter what kind of therapy. He is very good really, I connect with him, I trust him, and it took 6 months to finally get there, I don't want to start over now. I guess I am just in the heat of therapy right now, I move fast, and maybe I need to slow down a bit so I don't get so overwhelmed with it all.
He told me last session that I need to learn what I didn't get from parents, the good stuff) and that he was going to move very slowly in doing this, so I guess it looks like I am going to be in therapy for a long time now. I am improving and I think I want to stick with my T, I feel good about the work we are doing. Thank you for your unending support! :) Can I call you pinky?

 

Re: I am allright. Very busy at work though happyflower

Posted by pinkeye on June 13, 2005, at 17:12:03

In reply to Re: I am allright. Very busy at work though pinkeye, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 16:21:15

You can call me pinky. I do have a decent job. Thanks. The workload varies a lot for me though. Right now is one of the heavy duty times.

I think it is important to discuss with your T early on about your transference and where he sees it going. From my experience, it is not always best to try to work thorugh your trasnference with the person you are having transference towards, but that is the most rewarding and healing.

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower

Posted by Jazzed on June 13, 2005, at 20:13:29

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated! Jazzed, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 15:59:15

> > BTW, I tend to be critical too, and very thin skinned.
>
> Jazzy, I am like that too, I wonder why we are the way we are. By the way, did you read my response to you from the social board about men and sex? I was only kidding, I hope you know that! Thanks, Jazzy!
>

First of all, I did read your post just today! LOL I knew you were kidding, and it didn't bother me at all. I have a very high sex drive. I'd hate to not want sex with my husband! ; )

As for being critical. For me it's a low tolerance for anything too stimulating, or anything that's too different from what I'm comfortable with. So, if the kids are fighting, the days too hectic, the dogs or kids make a mess, and on and on..... I get irritated, annoyed, aggitated, or angry depending on the situation. I think too I'm not always optimistic, which makes me more critical than say someone like my husband, who is always optimistic. Like just now, my toddler is messing with the computer while I'm trying to type. I'm okay right now, but too many times and I won't like it.

We're okay Happy. Not everyone is happy all the time, or optimistic all the time, or uncritical. Everyone is entitled to be the way they are (as long as you're not hurting anyone else), change what they don't like, and understand the difference. I think your T might have been way too hard on you for you to have taken this so to heart. Call him on it, he can handle it!

Jazzy

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower

Posted by Poet on June 13, 2005, at 21:29:28

In reply to feeling totally frusterated!, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 11:28:41

Hi Happyflower,

Isn't therapy supposed to be frustrating? Though I think I frustrate my therapist more than she frustrates me, so scratch that question.

Maybe your therapist was trying to get you to talk about why you are so critical. What's behind it?

I am my own worst critic. My T constantly tells me that I am too hard on myself. It sounds like you might be hard on yourself, too.

I think being critical is something to work through, not around.

Poet

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated!

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 22:17:51

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower, posted by Jazzed on June 13, 2005, at 20:13:29

> > >
>
> We're okay Happy. Not everyone is happy all the time, or optimistic all the time, or uncritical. Everyone is entitled to be the way they are (as long as you're not hurting anyone else), change what they don't like, and understand the difference. I think your T might have been way too hard on you for you to have taken this so to heart. Call him on it, he can handle it!
>
> Thank you for your support Jazzy and be sure to see my post about you and your phone! lol I think maybe my T is getting to get me to FEEL SOMETHING ( and I am not talking about what you are thinking about! lol)I think he was trying to get me mad or something on purpose because normally I am unemotional even when I talk about bad things. I think he was trying to get a rise in me since I told him in an eariler session that I liked him, and I feel like I could trust him. He made it seem like geeze, am I not living up to your expectations, I feel you are so critical of me .It was because one day I said he looked like hell. Well he did, but that wasn't a nice way to say it. And then I said to him that I couldn't believe he didn't know how upset I was one session. But I guess if I don't tell him, how can he read my mind? He put it very sensitive but I tend to overthink things. Somehow I think him doing this was planned a little. I am glad he was honest with me because I am TOO critical and it turns people away. But I also said the reason I was being blunt with him was because I was feeling too close to him, and it scares me. I do need to work on this, but it did hurt a little because I want to be a good little client. :)

 

Re: feeling totally frusterated! Poet

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 22:26:43

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated! happyflower, posted by Poet on June 13, 2005, at 21:29:28

>
>
> Isn't therapy supposed to be frustrating? Though I think I frustrate my therapist more than she frustrates me, so scratch that question.
>
I know I frusterate my T sometimes, thats why he calls me challanging, lol But he says I am rewarding to work with, so I see it as a compliment.

> Maybe your therapist was trying to get you to talk about why you are so critical. What's behind it?

> I think you are right. My husband said he had a lot of balls telling me that! I told him what my husband said and he laughed and said oh, so your husband see it too? I told him I am glad he told me because most people are not that honest and I never had any guideness from my parents. He told me he had to earn brownie points before he told me. I guess I will never totally figure him out.

> I am my own worst critic. My T constantly tells me that I am too hard on myself. It sounds like you might be hard on yourself, too.

> You know I think you have something here, I think I am the most critical of myself, not just other people.

> I think being critical is something to work through, not around.
>
You are right once again, but how do you NOT be critical when almost everything in your life turns for the worse?

 

message for Jazzy, 2 posts up! (nm)

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 22:27:58

In reply to Re: feeling totally frusterated!, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 22:17:51

 

Thanks everyone for your support .....

Posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 22:36:00

In reply to feeling totally frusterated!, posted by happyflower on June 13, 2005, at 11:28:41

these last 2 weeks. I have been going through a lot in therapy right now, and if feels good to be able to ask for help and recieve it. It feels good to lean on someone right now. Love ya all!
A MUCH HAPPIER FLOWER !!!!! I think you all are so awesome!!


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