Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 509057

Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Session yesterday - long

Posted by PM80 on June 7, 2005, at 11:32:11

I had a session with my T yesterday, and it left me feeling, well, not so great. One thing we have been talking about lately is my needing to open up and trust people. Of course, wound up in this is learning healthy boundaries. I tend to take care of others' feelings at the expense of my own. I need to learn to ask for help, and likewise, I need to learn to ask for what I need from others. Lay the facts on the table for others. My problem is that people I have trusted have let me down - 3 times, now, I would say that I have been very hurt by 3 someones close to me (my father and 2 boyfriends) that I leaned on emotionally and found that they let me fall. I opened up and found that it was a MISTAKE. My mom, whom I was close to and could lean on, died when I was 16 (I'm now 24). So I'm supposed to open up to people, and lay down how I feel, and trust them - but what if they are untrustworthy?

Ok, here is how the part of the session that got to me in a bad way went. I don't have anything in my direct possession of my mother's. I just got a couple pictures from my dad's house in the last couple months because T wanted me to bring it in. I agreed and I found that I really wanted some pictures. Now he's been asking me to bring something else in - somthing with some kind of sentimental value. Again, I agree, I would like to have something. But when I went there a week ago, I never went down to the basement to sift through things and get something. Part of me didn't feel like asking/telling my dad and step-mom that I was going down there. My T has said and I agree that I don't feel comfortable sharing my grief with them. He kinda role-played and suggested the words I could say to them. To tell them that I needed to do this because of where I am at in my life. That I am working on some issues and I am still grieving on some level. etc. But the thought of saying anything like this makes me cringe. Cringe a lot. I could at most simply state the facts and say that I am going downstairs to look through some of my mom's stuff. Saying anything about my emotions makes me feel like I am exposing a weakness to them. Like I am at thier mercy - and far more so to step-mom than my dad. Long story there, but needless to say I do not trust her emotionally. She really is not a bad person; we just have different and easily clashable personalities. Basically, I went to bat for her with my siblings just after she married my dad, and then she just took me out (not physically). It was 4 yrs ago, I guess, and I'm not generally a grudge-holder. I realize that she moved from out of state to marry my dad and moved into the house that we all grew up in (with my mom) so she had it really hard. But I just don't trust her on an emotional level. Now, basically I play nice and defer to her about all the little things that really don't matter, but ought to be sayable within a family. Like, um, i dunno, how much butter is preferable to be added to mashed potatoes or other stupid stuff that I would normally voice my opinion about. With my sister I could joke that my way was better if she were making them while she would joke back that not a chance, her way was better. Although to be fair to step-mom, I think she plays nice too in her way. But I am consciously trying to not make to many waves while I am visiting with them. My T would say that while I shouldn't rude or anything, I should not worry so much about their feelings. I can do my thing and think what I think and they will react how they choose. Okay, I agree in theory, but it will be hard for me to do this in actuality.

Wow, I'm totally babbling and rambling on.

To get back on course, I feel my T wants me to open up myself to an unwise degree. If people have proven untrustworthy, why would I want to trust them again? I trust some of my friends a lot, and I trust my sister so I do trust some people. I just really felt that my T was telling me to open up to people that have proven to hurt me. What if you tell someone what you need and the answer is no? Should you trust them again next time? How about a third time? Those are valid questions, I think. Right? My T was then saying that I left no middle ground. I either trust people or not, all or nothing. But I think there is a middle ground, just not the one that he thinks.

What is everyone's thoughts on trust and earning it and forgive but not forget and etc?

 

Stomped on heart wanting to trust

Posted by happyflower on June 7, 2005, at 12:05:34

In reply to Session yesterday - long, posted by PM80 on June 7, 2005, at 11:32:11

Wow! This is I think why I am in therapy. This is were I am stuck in my life. Both of my parents have let me down (abuse), my childhood best friend, extended family, stepkids, and finally I am admitting that my husband has let me down. I trust my husband and my 2 young kids, and my T finally but where do I go from here? How do you open your heart and take a risk when people have stomped on your heart? Not trusting has keep me safe from harm in the past but my T says it has keep me also from the happier moments too. How do you take the next step. Sorry PM, I don't have any answers but I just wanted to let you know that I am in the same place. (((((PM80))))

 

No one is trustworthy - maybe other than God :-) happyflower

Posted by pinkeye on June 7, 2005, at 13:37:36

In reply to Stomped on heart wanting to trust, posted by happyflower on June 7, 2005, at 12:05:34

The way I am beginning to see things is that no one is really trustworthy - not 100 %. Everyone has a point of limit, it is only the difference in the limits - some people are trustworthy only 10 %, and some are more ( 70 %). But that is about it. Human beings are not infallible.

The way I try to see it nowadays is I put my full trust on God instead of any human beings. And that helps me actually trust people more. I acknowledge that they will fail sometimes, but that doesn't prevent me from depending on them because I know everyone is the same, and my real dependancy is only on God.

IT might sound religious preachy, but it isn't. It is important to have that trust really in something higher and not in human beings. Because even if a person is 100 % trustworthy, they could still die and leave you in the cold. So it is important to place your faith in something higher.

 

Re: Session yesterday - long

Posted by sleepygirl on June 7, 2005, at 17:16:24

In reply to Session yesterday - long, posted by PM80 on June 7, 2005, at 11:32:11

Hi. I wonder why it wouldn't be more obvious to them (your dad and stepmom) that you'd need a connection to your mom. You only get one in your life after all. I'm sorry it's so hard for you to let them know about some of the feelings that must have been so important in your life. I imagine though it's an extremely sensitive subject to bring up and you don't want to feel vulnerable. Can your dad be the one you talk to about this, without her involvement? I know she's part of your family, but geez she's got to respect some space in this one. How do you imagine he and/or she would react to telling them about what you're feeling/going through?

 

Re: Session yesterday - long PM80

Posted by Dinah on June 7, 2005, at 19:28:42

In reply to Session yesterday - long, posted by PM80 on June 7, 2005, at 11:32:11

Forgive but tie up the camel?

In other words forgive, but don't leave yourself open to hurt? I think that's wise.

I believe in trusting appropriately. Some people are completely trustworthy in some ways, not at all in others. Some are somewhat trustworthy in some ways.

I can't imagine your therapist wants you to trust inappropriately. Perhaps he doesn't understand that you trust people to the extent you've found sensible?

 

Re: Stomped on heart wanting to trust happyflower

Posted by PM80 on June 8, 2005, at 7:48:25

In reply to Stomped on heart wanting to trust, posted by happyflower on June 7, 2005, at 12:05:34

Thanks for the support!

 

Re: Session yesterday - long sleepygirl

Posted by PM80 on June 8, 2005, at 8:34:22

In reply to Re: Session yesterday - long, posted by sleepygirl on June 7, 2005, at 17:16:24

They would not stop me or anything, but I really would rather not at all discuss my feelings about it. I would rather just state the obvious - that I was going downstairs to look through some of my mom's stuff. My dad has not exactly proven capable of emotional support. He's not a bad guy or anything; his mother was schizophrenic and I think he grew up trying to stay in a safe personal bubble that could shut a lot out. He never learned good communication skills when it comes to emotional things and he never really learned how to be there for others. After my mom died he leaned on me. I took care of all/most of the things my mom did down to grocery shopping, making brother's doctor's appointments, cooking dinner, etc. I have tried in the past to tell him how he can help, but if he feels the least insecure about it he doesn't listen and tries something else. SOhe can say and think that: see, he was trying to help and woe is him I didn't just openly accept it with lots of gratitude. All that when he ignored what I actually needed after I spelled it out for him. Then we end up with me playing a chastising parent and him playing the try-to-stay-safe child. Which is bad all around.

Obviously, I have so many mixed feelings here. I think if I told him how I felt about my mom and that I was still grieving and etc that he would shut down emotionally. He has done this in the past right before my eyes more than once. And, anything I tell him will get passed along to my step-mom.

Anyway, thanks for your input. Sometimes it really helps to just get it out.

 

Re: Session yesterday - long Dinah

Posted by PM80 on June 8, 2005, at 8:40:54

In reply to Re: Session yesterday - long PM80, posted by Dinah on June 7, 2005, at 19:28:42

>In other words forgive, but don't leave yourself open to hurt? I think that's wise.

>I believe in trusting appropriately. Some people are completely trustworthy in some ways, not at all in others. Some are somewhat trustworthy in some ways.

Yes, I agree.

>I can't imagine your therapist wants you to trust inappropriately. Perhaps he doesn't understand that you trust people to the extent you've found sensible?

You may have hit the nail on the head here. I really feel like he was encouraging me to expose more than what I have LEARNED to be prudent. And that's it, I feel like he wants me to ungrow some of what I feel has been very healthy growth. I will have to discuss this with him next session. I have trusted in situations in which I should not have. I tend to be too quick to assume that people are generally kind and well-intentioned. Some are, but many are not or are limited in this capacity.


 

Re: Session yesterday - long

Posted by sleepygirl on June 8, 2005, at 19:29:24

In reply to Re: Session yesterday - long sleepygirl, posted by PM80 on June 8, 2005, at 8:34:22

Oh, OK so he's really not able to be there for you, at least not without it being complicated. I guess he can't handle it. It sucks to be a parentified child. I think that might really piss me off (but that's me). Yeah, and I would think it would be uncomfortable to show feelings to a parent who couldn't even handle his own, I know it's why I don't bother with mine. It's such a hassle. I guess you really shoulder a lot in your family. I hope you find what you're looking for and some peace. It was good to read your post. Take care-sleepy


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