Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 508061

Shown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Daisy - Question for you

Posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 17:01:01

Daisy,
I am not sure if this is a valid question for you.. but what does your T say about termination? Have you ever brought it up? How does he help his clients move on?

I am stuck in this loop of not being able to move on, and I don't really know what to do. Can you share if your T has told you something which might help you move on?

I have a natural tendency to ruminate (to think about the same thing again and again and again) and I suspect that is causing the problem. I am not able to easily move on.

 

Re: Daisy - Question for you pinkeye

Posted by Daisym on June 5, 2005, at 18:35:32

In reply to Daisy - Question for you, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 17:01:01

He never lies to me...when I say things about how silly it is to be so attached to someone I will eventually not have a relationship with, he acknowledges the truth in the statement. He also adds that I can work with him as long as I need and want to. He thinks separation happens organically, over time-- he says I will find that I don't need to touch base as often, and that I'll probably be making noises about stopping therapy before he would.

We've moved into a space where we actually "plan" for long weekends and such...we talk about what will help me not feel so alone. It is so true that distraction works, as well as truely having something else taking up brain space, like work or family commitments or babble. He used to say, "call me" and he really meant it. I know I can still do that, but he knows I don't want to all the time, so he reminds me to do these other things.

The truth is that stopping is not nearly as terrifying as it was 6 months ago. I've learned a lot about my personal coping style and maybe this is where the medications really help. I don't feel like I'll fragment completely without him. Not that I wouldn't miss him, but it isn't as life and death as it was. (I can say that right here, right now, in this moment. Tomorrow? Who knows...)

It seems to me that you've identified your primary issue which is that you ruminate about things. Breaking those thinking patterns is very hard and takes practice and work. I think something that might help is to really think about what you miss about your x-therapist, or what you think you still need that he would provide. Once you get this down on paper, the answers might present themselves. I would write, "I want someone to listen to the stories of abuse that I've never told and believe me." Then I could say, "OK, if not my therapist, who do I trust could handle this information?"

Mostly Pinkeye, I think it is about getting your needs met. There is some big, burning need that was opened and now isn't being met for you. Maybe it was that you fell in love with this man, fell in love with the possibilities he represented and you feel like letting him go might kill those dreams. Or you attached to him parentally and letting him go is like leaving your mother all over again. Most of us don't remember how painful that separation was but when we revisit those feelings as adults, wow -- it is so hard.

I think termination with my therapist will be like everything else we've done together. It will be my choice, at my pace and it will be done very, very gently. I think back to when he went on vacation last summer and he gave me his talisman with his picture inside to hold until he returned. I didn't ask for it -- he just knew how to meet this really primal need for security. I don't think I'd ever felt so understood and so taken care of.

I hope you can find someone who will do this for you and that you will let them. I think you need help getting past this. Be patient and kind to yourself. Some hurts take a long time to heal.

Hugs to you.

 

Re: Daisy - Question for you Daisym

Posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 19:35:32

In reply to Re: Daisy - Question for you pinkeye, posted by Daisym on June 5, 2005, at 18:35:32

Thanks a lot Daisy for that detailed post.

That helped me. I really like your therapist and I am glad you have him. He is almost text book perfect isn't he?? I think he has lots of emotional insight and I think that is his key strength. I am sure he will take care of you very well, and I think your termination with him will be very very smooth and relatively painless (as much painless as it could get).

You are right - I think there was a huge need that got opened or unsuppressed and I didn't find other ways of fulfilling it when I had to leave him.

My therapy wasn't like yours. It was more of a life coaching and "deal with real world now - control your actions" kind of thing rather than this emotional cleaning up and growing up. And my therapist was very good in logical real world coping up techniques which helped me maintain myself out of depression and functioning and able to handle things. But I think he didn't have as much insight into emotions and lacked littel bit of emotional agility himself to guide me through emotional healing and growing up. So I think it ended up opening up all my emotions, but didn't help me heal fully. And it is really not his mistake.. in India they are not equipped to deal with long term emotional healing therapy approaches.

I think you are right about finding out now what I needed from him and figuring out how to go about getting it from other available sources. I think he ended up being a complex mixture of things for me - friend, father, husband figure, guide role all combined into one. And I had very complex transference - I thought of him as my father, I thoguht of him as my husband, I thought of him as my college crush, work crush etc, I thought of him as other failed relationships, my best friend, even myself (kind of mirror) everything combined into one. And before I met him, I usually kept all my stuff to myself - I wouldn't share it with anyone, but I shared everything with him. So that was a big thing for me. I had told my husband little bit about me before, but not in too much detail. And I think that is what I miss now - that kind of all accpeting friendship.

I am trying to replace that - not easy task. But my husband is trying to be real better, so I am trying to open up more to him, and I have babble and my new therapist. Plus I found out about my mild abuse from my father and being the surrogate wife. So I think I have done all I could. And I understood my ruminative patterns.

And I think I thought he understood me for the first time in my life. I never felt fully understood by anyone before. But now I feel that maybe I was wrong. I think he understood me only very little. He understood my logical thinking, but he didn't understand my emotions. And I think it is really hard for anyone to see through my logical togetherness and cut through it and see the emotional problems hidden underneath. And it would have taken longer time and face to face interaction to see that I am suffering so much. Even my current T had a hard time figuring me out for the first 4 months and she had much more face to face interaction and experience with me than my ex T ever had.

 

Re: Daisy - Question for you Daisym

Posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 19:55:56

In reply to Re: Daisy - Question for you pinkeye, posted by Daisym on June 5, 2005, at 18:35:32

And I think I identify a lot with you. The problems with people like us is that there is a very huge gap between our logical personalities and emotional personalities. I think we have quite highly developed logical capacities and even insights about emotions, but our emotions themselves are very under developed.

That is why I kept confusing myself and everyone around me. Nobody could figure out what exactly was wrong with me. I could be very adult like in one moment, and extremely childish the next. I could switch states back and forth so fast.. like extremely giving, and extremely jealous, and seem very wise one moment and seem extremely stupid the next. Very Capable one moment and very incapable the next. I think when I operate out of my brain I am a different person, and when I operate out of my emotions, I am a totally different person. That is why I always felt nobody really got me.

Yesterday I was crying and laughing at the same time. And my husband got confused the hell out of me. He said he has never seen anyone do both at the same time.

Maybe there is some psychiatric problem with my brain. Like split personality or something.

 

Re: Daisy - Question for you

Posted by daisym on June 5, 2005, at 22:23:20

In reply to Re: Daisy - Question for you Daisym, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 19:55:56

I think I understand what you are saying about logic and emotions not being very compatible. But I don't flip back and forth very easily, except in therapy and in the middle of the night.

I can relate to laughing and crying at the same time. I think this is a hallmark sign of depression. You feel so bad most of the time, when an emotions like laughter gets through, so do the tears. I'm sure it is hard on your husband to not know how to help you.

I'm glad your new therapist is helping and learning to understand you. It will take time but I think you have so much insight to yourself that you can get through this.

And btw, my therapist isn't perfect, really. He has hurt my feelings, sometimes he pushes too far or he misunderstands things. But I think he is always willing to look at these things and work to get through them. I think the flaw in this kind of therapy is the time it takes. It is so tempting to switch to CBT to shut down the memories and to get on with life.

Hang in there.

 

Re: Daisy - Question for you pinkeye

Posted by Jazzed on June 6, 2005, at 8:45:40

In reply to Re: Daisy - Question for you Daisym, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 19:35:32

The beauty of a T is that we're paying them to listen to every word we say. To like us no matter what we say, do, or have done. They are unlike anyone else because it's all about us.

It sometimes seems that would be the perfect marriage, they listen intently to every word we say, take us seriously, have great insight into our difficulties, make us feel loved and taken care of, there's no one else they're concerned with, and their "love" is undying. Ah, in a perfect world.

Jazzy

 

Re: Daisy - Question for you pinkeye

Posted by Jazzed on June 6, 2005, at 8:54:12

In reply to Re: Daisy - Question for you Daisym, posted by pinkeye on June 5, 2005, at 19:55:56


>
> Yesterday I was crying and laughing at the same time. And my husband got confused the hell out of me. He said he has never seen anyone do both at the same time.
>
> Maybe there is some psychiatric problem with my brain. Like split personality or something.


Ah honey you're hurting. There's nothing wrong with your brain. This has been very difficult for you, and you have every right to take as long as you need to work it out. Does your current T know how much you are struggling with this pinkeye? I think that's so important.

As for your husband, yes, he is trying, but most people just don't have the knowledge to help us work through these things. I guess we need to find those coping mechanisms that get us past these crisises. Other than ruminating, is there anything you do to make yourself feel better, and more in control? If so, maybe that's where you need to develop strength. My coping mechanism is really weird, but it works so well for me.

(((((((HUGS)))))))
Jazzy

 

Re: Daisy - Question for you daisym

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 13:11:28

In reply to Re: Daisy - Question for you, posted by daisym on June 5, 2005, at 22:23:20

Thanks Daisy.
I think I am getting into depression as well.

Thing is, I respond very well when someone tells me to do something. I am sure if my ex T comes and tells me to snap out of depression, I will do it in 10 days. But it is hard to motivate myself to do it. I need that kind of person to tell me what to do.

My new T is pretty good but she doens't motivate me to do anything. That is what is hard.

As far as your T - I am glad you acknowledge his mistakes. I think that is very healthy for you to do it.

 

Re: Daisy - Question for you Jazzed

Posted by pinkeye on June 6, 2005, at 13:12:57

In reply to Re: Daisy - Question for you pinkeye, posted by Jazzed on June 6, 2005, at 8:54:12

Thanks Jazzed.
I keep worrying if there is something really wrong with me.
Maybe it is just that I am more sensitive to things than other people are, and I find it difficult to make peace easily.
I wish I could identify some other coping techniques.
Thanks again

 

Re: Daisy - Question for you Jazzed

Posted by Dinah on June 6, 2005, at 22:40:07

In reply to Re: Daisy - Question for you pinkeye, posted by Jazzed on June 6, 2005, at 8:45:40

> The beauty of a T is that we're paying them to listen to every word we say. To like us no matter what we say, do, or have done. They are unlike anyone else because it's all about us.
>

We're paying for their time, their attention, and their caring for our interests. We can't pay them enough to like us. They either do or they don't. You can't pay for feelings, only actions.

> It sometimes seems that would be the perfect marriage, they listen intently to every word we say, take us seriously, have great insight into our difficulties, make us feel loved and taken care of, there's no one else they're concerned with, and their "love" is undying. Ah, in a perfect world.
>
> Jazzy

You must have been to a different therapist than mine. :)

 

Re: Daisy - Question for you

Posted by Jazzed on June 6, 2005, at 23:28:19

In reply to Re: Daisy - Question for you Jazzed, posted by Dinah on June 6, 2005, at 22:40:07


> We're paying for their time, their attention, and their caring for our interests. We can't pay them enough to like us. They either do or they don't. You can't pay for feelings, only actions.


Okay, maybe "like" wasn't the word I should have used.


> >
> > Jazzy
>
> You must have been to a different therapist than mine. :)

Nope, I said in a perfect world! But, yeah I will have a different T! LOL


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