Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 503573

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 27. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

My T has amazed me and my husband

Posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 8:21:32

I am feeling better today after everything. My husband said to me that my T has reached me when he couldn't . He encouraged me this week to call my T saying that I think you T can help you and would want to know what is going on with you.
My T has been able to get through my many layers of self protection and even layers that nobody has been EVER able to break through.
I am trying so hard not to be clingy and too attached to him. Maybe I should just allow myself to need him and worry about letting go in the future. Maybe he can help with transition of letting go of him. I think I should talk to him about this since it is already "on the table". What do you all think? Should I allow myself to depend on him? OR will I risk devestation when I am done with therapy? I see all the pain on babble and wonder if the people who went through the pain in the end, thought therapy helped them or was worth it. I will probably be done in a couple of months. Any advice? You all know best!

 

Re: My T has amazed me and my husband

Posted by Daisym on May 27, 2005, at 11:10:53

In reply to My T has amazed me and my husband, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 8:21:32

I don't think it is that easy -- to just "allow" yourself to need him and sink into the dependency. This is part of the major work of my therapy. I think you can do it on and off, but I find, for me, that when I let myself fully need him, some other part of me eventually kicks in and the awareness of how needy I am becomes scary and I pull back.

I think it is a really important conversation to have. Because many, many therapist guard against dependency and you will want to know where your therapist stands on this issue. And I think you have to define what you mean by "letting yourself" -- does that mean 92 calls in a day, 5 in a week, upping your sessions? Does it mean that you can freely think about your therapist, write about him here and hear him in your head a lot? Does it mean that you can't, or aren't willing, to try to find comfort and understanding from your husband? Or talk to other friends about things when you feel bad, or good?

There are no right or wrong answers. It is mostly about definitions and boundaries.

All that said, I think it sounds lovely to just be a peace with how important your therapist is in your life and not feel that you have to defend this need, to yourself or anyone else. I hope you find that peace.

 

Re: My T has amazed me and my husband

Posted by sunny10 on May 27, 2005, at 11:54:24

In reply to Re: My T has amazed me and my husband, posted by Daisym on May 27, 2005, at 11:10:53

maybe also to keep in mind the difference between "need" and "want".

It is very good to "want" your therapist to help you get under all of your layers and help you to learn how to live with all of who you are.

It is probably unhealthy to ever "need" any one particular person other than yourself, in theory... in practice, I am pretty needy...

 

Re: My T has amazed me and my husband

Posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 12:47:47

In reply to My T has amazed me and my husband, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 8:21:32

I think what I want to know is it okay to need him? Need him in a way of support. Need him to help me in healing. Can I trust him to be there for me in times of needs during therapy? I have trouble asking for help and want to not feel like I have to depend on anyone but I do need help.I just feel so scared to give up my control of having to be so independent. I would never want to take advantage of support, but is it okay to rely on him during the course of therapy? Is it okay to lean on him? I think I am not getting across what I am asking. I think I confuse myself! lol Will he allow me to lean on him while I am going through the tough parts? I guess he can only answer these questions but what do your T's do when you really need them to help. Do they allow you to depend on them sometimes? Is it okay? AUUUGHHHH!

 

Re: My T has amazed me and my husband

Posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 12:49:41

In reply to My T has amazed me and my husband, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 8:21:32

I wanted to add that the only person that I could ever trust or depend on was my husband so feeling clinging to my T scares me because I don't want to get hurt. Okay, I am realy to listen now! lol

 

Re: My T has amazed me and my husband happyflower

Posted by pinkeye on May 27, 2005, at 12:55:01

In reply to Re: My T has amazed me and my husband, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 12:49:41

I would prefer not to depend on my T. I don't know - I might be talking in a little hurt mood.

But it was never ok for me to depend on Ts - maybe not even my ex T. I used to send him emails, but he wouldn't reply right away. It will usually be atleast couple of weeks before he replied. And sometimes months had gone by wihtout no replies. But I had the liberty to write as much as I wanted.. I usually wrote about 2 mails in a month or sometimes more.

But even with that kind of frequency, I find it extremely hard to leave now. I am very hurt and sad and feel rejected.. In a way, I always felt some of it with my ex T.. because he was not replying that much to my emails anyway. So I always used to get hurt.

I would really think twice about depending though - especially, if your T has told you that he doesn;t like dependance. My ex T told me that the whole purpose was to help me develop strength myself.. not to depend on some one. You might want to ask what your T thinks about it. Plus if you are planning to be in therapy for max 3 more months, what is the point in depending anyway? It will take atleast coupel of years to sort out all the feelings and be able to depend and grow and heal.

 

Was this okay to do?

Posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 13:28:00

In reply to Re: My T has amazed me and my husband, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 12:47:47

This week after my session, I started to think about what my T said that he feels I am critical of him. Well the more I thought about it, I realized that I am like that sometimes, and part of me is like my mother( my abuser), and it totally freaked me out as you all know. Well I called him because I was really feeling down about the discovery and I was only feeling worse by the moment(not suicial). I reached out to him and called him. He calmed me down, and I am much better. Is this behavior wrong to do? This is what I mean about needing support sometimes. I don't mean calling him between sessions every week but once in awhile. I mean during therapy, not after I terminate. Okay, back to listening again. lol I am really having a hard time comunicating what I am talking about today. Maybe mental stress?

 

Re: My T has amazed me and my husband happyflower

Posted by Shortelise on May 27, 2005, at 14:02:30

In reply to My T has amazed me and my husband, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 8:21:32

It is worth it to me.

ShortE

 

Re: My T has amazed me and my husband happyflower

Posted by Tamar on May 27, 2005, at 14:28:53

In reply to My T has amazed me and my husband, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 8:21:32


I don't know about being clingy and attached; I would say that you need to allow yourself to trust him. Maybe that would feel to you like being clingy and attached, and I think it's inevitable that trusting him will mean being somewhat attached. I'm sure occasional phone calls are allowed, especially when you're feeling really bad.

In my view it's a question of committing to therapy, and to getting better. If you feel you are holding back because you want to save yourself pain in the future, then I would say it's best not to hold back. Be as trusting as you can be with reasonable comfort.

I don't think holding back now will gain you anything in the long term. I know therapy helped me a lot. It was definitely worth it. I can't deny it was painful at times, but I think that facing the pain was one of the things that made change possible.

Just my two cents.


 

not worth it

Posted by shrinking violet on May 27, 2005, at 14:36:09

In reply to Re: My T has amazed me and my husband happyflower, posted by Tamar on May 27, 2005, at 14:28:53

To me, the intense pain and loss and confusion I'm feeling now hasn't been worth it at all. The only thing I've gotten out of therapy (my relationship with my T) is now gone, and I'm left questioning whether it was ever real, how she can just cut me off and act like I don't exist and hurt me this much if she really did care. And I'm much worse emotionally than when I started with her. Now, maybe that's "good" in a certain way, but it isn't good being left like this alone, and having to have terminated with the one person who demolished my insides but couldn't be there to finish the job.

If you're certain your T can be there for the long run, can see you through to the end of therapy and termination with him, then maybe. Otherwise, I'd say be careful.

But my case is probably a unique one, and my opinion is colored by distrust and pain right now. So maybe I'm not the most objective one to be listening to....

Just think about it, and talk to your T about it too, about it ALL, all of your fears and doubts and questionings. Something else I wish I had done....

sv

 

Re: My T has amazed me and my husband happyflower

Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2005, at 15:03:43

In reply to My T has amazed me and my husband, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 8:21:32

If this is truly short term therapy, I'd think twice about letting the needs get too far out of hand. I don't think my voracious needs could have been released and contained within a few months.

If it's truly time limited, I'd try to think of it more as education than as the sort of therapy where you allow yourself to regress.

Sad, but true. There's nothing more painful than a termination before it's time. :(((

Which doesn't mean you can't call him between sessions on occasion, especially if he's done something to upset you.

 

Re: My T has amazed me and my husband

Posted by Daisym on May 27, 2005, at 15:25:56

In reply to Re: My T has amazed me and my husband happyflower, posted by Shortelise on May 27, 2005, at 14:02:30

I think you are asking a tougher question than you think (thought?)

To call or not to call, has always been THE question on this board! Some of us have therapist who say, "absolutely - call me if you need me." (OK, yes, I know, define "need" but still...) Others have therapist who say, "call me if there is an emergency." Still others have never discussed the call in-between sessions policy. If your therapist responded as well as it sounds like he did, it certainly sounds like it was totally OK.

I can tell you that my experience is that my therapist believes that it is better for me to touch base with him than to struggle and fret over something. We have an understanding that he might not be able to call back right away but he always calls back. He is totally Ok with check in calls. Rarely he will call me if he is worried or the session was particularly tough.

I guess this is a different question than is it OK to "need" your therapist. How can you help but need them, isn't that why you are going to therapy? I don't mean that in anyway disrespectfully. I think they are OK with us needing them because that is the point. I think it feels more critical at some points than others. And I think that it feels like a need because we are sharing things we don't with other people.

This is just my really long winded way of saying, it is OK to need, at whatever intensity and level you do need. I still think you should talk to him about all this.

 

Re: My T has amazed me and my husband

Posted by Jazzed on May 27, 2005, at 15:38:49

In reply to My T has amazed me and my husband, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 8:21:32

I think it's awesome that you are getting so far with your T. I would definitely express how you feel since he seems to be able to deal with all the issues really well. I"m sure he'll understand and be very supportive.

Jazzed

 

More rambling, please read, you r all helping me !

Posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 16:13:46

In reply to Re: My T has amazed me and my husband, posted by Jazzed on May 27, 2005, at 15:38:49

Yup, my T is great! I am very lucky that I found a good one first try. He is 50 and has a ton of experience. Plus he works a lot with kids, you gotta love that! lol He has never said that I couldn't call him, but I am sure if I did it too much he would say something. I am going to talk about my needs and if I am going overboard on Tues.. He knows that because of my past I have trouble trusting anyone so the fact that I am trusting him to help me might make him feel like I am making progress or it might scare him because he doesn't want to screw up on me because that would really leave me not trusting anyone probably ever.He probably has to be careful with me. ( this is my attempt at being a T) I guess it is his call, I am glad I am not a T! My english teacher would love my run on sentences! lol He knows for me to even admit my true feelings of trusting him and allowing him to help me means I have progressed big time. He and all you babblers have shown me that maybe I can trust people again, make some friends, and have a real support system. I have a great husband, but I need female friends too, and I think I am almost ready to socialize more. I am scared of getting hurt, but at least I am allowing myself to be open to the idea. I guess ultimately it is up to my T to set the boundries and do what is best for me. But I am going to talk about this next time, so I know what to expect. I will let you all know how it goes. I enjoy ready your responses and they have helped big time, any more ideas for me to think about?

 

Re: More rambling, please read, you r all helping me ! happyflower

Posted by pinkeye on May 27, 2005, at 16:29:23

In reply to More rambling, please read, you r all helping me !, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 16:13:46

Only one advise. Don't go in with the expectation that he would like you or come to see you and understand you fully etc though.

Think of him like a professional and that would save you lot of problems in the long run. Think of him like you would think of a regular doctor - as mechanical and unemotional. That would really help you.

Always, always remember it is a professional relationship, and deal with it that way. Don't get too attached, and don't try to think it is personal. Don't think of him too much or try to figure him out etc.

Tell him your issues, and work on them, and let him help you understand yourself. But don't expect him to develop any feelings for you. He would and always be a professional as far as you are concerned. It sounds like a bitter truth, but it is better to GET IT early on rather than wait till later.

 

Re: My T has amazed me and my husband Dinah

Posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 16:36:43

In reply to Re: My T has amazed me and my husband happyflower, posted by Dinah on May 27, 2005, at 15:03:43

> If this is truly short term therapy, I'd think twice about letting the needs get too far out of hand. .
>
> Sad, but true. There's nothing more painful than a termination before it's time. :(((
>
He never told me that it is short term therapy, he just said that I won't need be in for long time since I am working hard and making a lot of progress. I do challenge him since I question him a lot about everything and he said that yes I keep him on his toes, but there are rewards with working with me because I am getting better. But this week as been intense for me, and I feel like I need more support than normal, luckly I have this board! I have called my T 2 times already this week ( which I never need to call him). He keeps the phone calls very professional and short, but they do seem to calm me down this week. Next week should be interesting. Also, I only call and leave a message at his office for me to call me when he can. I never page his emergency number, or call during off business hours. I don't know if that makes a difference or not.

 

Am I being too needy on babble this week? (nm)

Posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 17:07:49

In reply to Re: My T has amazed me and my husband Dinah, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 16:36:43

 

We all take turns here. Don't worry about it. happyflower

Posted by pinkeye on May 27, 2005, at 17:10:49

In reply to Am I being too needy on babble this week? (nm), posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 17:07:49

It is a mutual support group. And we all have taken our turns. Don't worry about it. I have pretty much abused this board for 2 weeks straight up until a week ago. It is ok to write here as much as you want. Good thing is there are lots of people here, so if not one, then the other is always up to write back and offer support.

 

Re: Am I being too needy on babble this week?

Posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 18:10:02

In reply to Am I being too needy on babble this week? (nm), posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 17:07:49

I warned ya that I ask a lot of questions, don't you feel sorry for my poor T now?

 

Re: My T has amazed me and my husband happyflower

Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2005, at 18:19:33

In reply to Re: My T has amazed me and my husband Dinah, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 16:36:43

If the length of therapy isn't artificially limited by insurance or being a student or something like that, I think it's probably a good idea to see what your therapist thinks about dependence, and let that be your guide as much as possible.

In fact, if it is an artificially limited therapy situation, it's probably still a good idea, because if a therapist knows that there is no time to resolve a major attachment without pain, they probably would discourage it.

So I applaud you for deciding to speak to your therapist about it. That's nearly always my advice. :)

 

Of course not. :) Pinkeye is right. (nm) happyflower

Posted by Dinah on May 27, 2005, at 18:20:47

In reply to Am I being too needy on babble this week? (nm), posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 17:07:49

 

Re: Am I being too needy on babble this week? happyflower

Posted by Jazzed on May 29, 2005, at 8:36:12

In reply to Am I being too needy on babble this week? (nm), posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 17:07:49

Isn't that what we're all here for? To support each other, esp. when we're feeling needy.
(((((((((((HUGS))))))))
Jazzed

 

Re: Am I being too needy on babble this week? happyflower

Posted by Jazzed on May 29, 2005, at 8:37:37

In reply to Re: Am I being too needy on babble this week?, posted by happyflower on May 27, 2005, at 18:10:02

> I warned ya that I ask a lot of questions, don't you feel sorry for my poor T now?

I find you to be interesting, curious, and SO sweet! I would love to be your T, if I were a T that is. LOL

Jazzed

 

Re: Am I being too needy on babble this week? Jazzed

Posted by happyflower on May 29, 2005, at 11:12:59

In reply to Re: Am I being too needy on babble this week? happyflower, posted by Jazzed on May 29, 2005, at 8:37:37

Thank you Jazzed! I WOULD LOVE YOU TO BE MY T!!! The more the better with my screwed up mind! lol

 

Re: Am I being too needy on babble this week?

Posted by Jazzed on May 29, 2005, at 18:11:24

In reply to Re: Am I being too needy on babble this week? Jazzed, posted by happyflower on May 29, 2005, at 11:12:59

> Thank you Jazzed! I WOULD LOVE YOU TO BE MY T!!! The more the better with my screwed up mind! lol

You seem really sane to me Happy! LOL
Jazzed


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