Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 502726

Shown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Therapy can be so humbling:(

Posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 12:33:36

Yesterday's sessions really affected me so much. When my T said he thought I was very critical of him. But really I was getting too close to him, and wanted to push him away. But the more I think about things today, I am in tears. I realize I do say things that could be taken by other people that I am critical of them. But really I fell very different about them.I think very highly of my T, so if he thinks it, I wonder what other people think. I think I try to be witty, and really I am being sarcastic. I don't mean to, really I like most people. Sometimes knowing the truth about ourselves hurts, but thank goodness my T had the courage to say it to me. He knows I will leave the session and internalize it. I think I would act less defensively if he says I am critical of him than if he says I am critical of everyone. I admit he stuck a nerve in me, and he knows he did, he is very good with me. Most people won't be honest with me about how they precive me, and I didn't have parents that guided me, so in a way he is being a loving parent. Telling me something for my own good, it may hurt me, but it will make me better. I left a message that thanked him for his honesty and it really got to me, and he has given me a lot to think about. I want to be a better communicater, I just need help. I told my husband about what T said, and he agreed with him, and now he is pointing out all my critical statements. auugghhhh! I need to learn to say things differently, how, I don't know, but I am aware of the truth now. Sometimes it is hard knowing that you totally suck. So humbling. :(

 

Re: Therapy can be so humbling:(

Posted by Jazzed on May 25, 2005, at 13:32:55

In reply to Therapy can be so humbling:(, posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 12:33:36

I do the same thing, try to be witty ,but end up being sarcastic. I think I need to just keep my mouth shut, and not react to ppl. If I can keep a positive mental image of myself as happy and caring, then I respond better. Sometimes that's hard to do when you're caught up in the moment.
Don't be hard on yourself, now you know what to work on, and tell your husband to ''hush himself up now!'' LOL

Jazz

 

Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( happyflower

Posted by Dinah on May 25, 2005, at 13:50:26

In reply to Therapy can be so humbling:(, posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 12:33:36

We're in that together. :)

Tell hubby you appreciate his helpfulness but that you'll let him know when it's needed. :P

If you recognize yourself in what your therapist said, then yes, I think that's one of the most useful parts of therapy.

And if he said it sensitively and so that you still felt accepted by him, he gets extra therapy points.

 

Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( happyflower

Posted by 10derHeart on May 25, 2005, at 17:37:19

In reply to Therapy can be so humbling:(, posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 12:33:36

...ditto to everything everyone else said: and...

you DO NOT totally suck!!!

Got that?!!

(((happyflower)))

PS - I think you and your T. are doing great work, BTW. Not that I'm any special authority. But I'm somebody (who only partially sucks ;-) ) and I really *feel* good things come through in your posts. Way to grow!

 

Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( happyflower

Posted by JenStar on May 25, 2005, at 19:03:40

In reply to Therapy can be so humbling:(, posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 12:33:36

Well, first of all, you do NOT "totally suck!" I think it's courageous to face criticism and take it in. Many people just go into total denial and don't use constructive criticism to improve.

That being said, I agree that it's no fun to get criticism, no matter how well-intended or helpful! I always feel like I'm lame and loser-like and that I should have already figured out how to fix the things I was doing wrong. And then I panic and figure everyone hates me and is just not saying it. And then I get over it and internalize the criticism and try to improve whatever was broken. But it's a difficult cycle and hard to do...

I give you lots of credit for taking the criticism and trying to use it! I think that is very cool and very non-sucky. :)

Hopefully your T can give you pointers on how to let your liking of people show more. Maybe you're just on guard all the time, putting up fences to protect yourself from potential hurt? I think a lot of people use sarcasm & humor to protect themselves. But if you like people a lot, it should be relatively easy to let that show too. :)

JenStar

 

Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( Jazzed

Posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 19:23:15

In reply to Re: Therapy can be so humbling:(, posted by Jazzed on May 25, 2005, at 13:32:55

Thanks Jazzed! ( jazz is my favorite music)
I guess I will think twice when I tell my husband anything that goes on in therapy. He hates it when my T says something the he doesn't like usually about him but he sure loves it when my T socks it to me! lol Thanks for you support!

 

Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( Dinah

Posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 19:27:38

In reply to Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( happyflower, posted by Dinah on May 25, 2005, at 13:50:26

Thanks Dinah for you support. Yes I think my T put it as gentle as he could.( using our relationship as an example) Then later in session he caught me saying something critical again and he quickly pointed it out to me and I totally got embarrarest. He even sort of looked down when he saw my reaction. I think he was afraid I was really going to tell him what he can do with that comment. It's kind of like he said the comment and ran away as fast as he can. lol I think he was surprised he was so bold.

 

Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( 10derHeart

Posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 19:30:16

In reply to Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( happyflower, posted by 10derHeart on May 25, 2005, at 17:37:19

> ...ditto to everything everyone else said: and...
>
> you DO NOT totally suck!!!
>
> Got that?!!
>

Thank you, I feel a little less sucky right now!
> (((happyflower)))
>
Thanks for the hugs, I really need them today, I am so emotional.

> PS - I think you and your T. are doing great work, BTW. Not that I'm any special authority. But I'm somebody (who only partially sucks ;-) ) and I really *feel* good things come through in your posts. Way to grow!

I am glad someone see some progress, I guess I just need to get my head out of my butt. Right now I just am so humbled.

 

Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( JenStar

Posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 19:33:03

In reply to Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( happyflower, posted by JenStar on May 25, 2005, at 19:03:40

> .
>
> That being said, I agree that it's no fun to get criticism, no matter how well-intended or helpful! I always feel like I'm lame and loser-like and that I should have already figured out how to fix the things I was doing wrong. And then I panic and figure everyone hates me and is just not saying it. And then I get over it and internalize the criticism and try to improve whatever was broken. But it's a difficult cycle and hard to do...
>

This sounds just like how I am taking all of this! You so get it!

>. Maybe you're just on guard all the time, putting up fences to protect yourself from potential hurt? I think a lot of people use sarcasm & humor to protect themselves.

Wow, I think you totally nailed that one. This is exactly what I do. I hope my T can help become a better person. Thanks for your support!

 

I need hugs today, I feel like poop :( (nm)

Posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 21:11:51

In reply to Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( JenStar, posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 19:33:03

 

Re: I need hugs today.. You have it ((((HF)))) happyflower

Posted by pinkeye on May 25, 2005, at 21:17:59

In reply to I need hugs today, I feel like poop :( (nm), posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 21:11:51

I know you are going throug a tough time with all this issues with your T. Here is some hugs (((HappyFlower)))

 

((((happy flower)))) (nm)

Posted by JenStar on May 26, 2005, at 0:20:40

In reply to I need hugs today, I feel like poop :( (nm), posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 21:11:51

 

Re: I need hugs today, I feel like poop :( happyflower

Posted by Tamar on May 26, 2005, at 3:40:58

In reply to I need hugs today, I feel like poop :( (nm), posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 21:11:51


(((((happyflower)))))

It's tough when you have to look long and hard at the pain. I've been there. In fact, I'm still there.

Hope you're feeling a bit better today.

Tamar

 

Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( happyflower

Posted by Jazzed on May 26, 2005, at 4:08:09

In reply to Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( Jazzed, posted by happyflower on May 25, 2005, at 19:23:15

> Thanks Jazzed! ( jazz is my favorite music)
> I guess I will think twice when I tell my husband anything that goes on in therapy. He hates it when my T says something the he doesn't like usually about him but he sure loves it when my T socks it to me! lol Thanks for you support!

It's so hard not to talk about it though, isn't it? Esp. when we have special feelings for our Ts.

Jazzed (glad you like jazz! :)

 

criticalness= emotional abuse? :(

Posted by happyflower on May 26, 2005, at 8:13:05

In reply to Re: Therapy can be so humbling:( happyflower, posted by Jazzed on May 26, 2005, at 4:08:09

I just realized that if others feel especailly my T thinks I am critical then does that mean I am like my mother an abuser? If all that comes out of my mouth is critical than that is abusive to another person. So I guess I turned out like my mother, my abuser. That sucks. They should just lock me up so I don't contaiminate the world. It is not wonder I people don't like me, if all they feel from me is criticalness. It is a very bad day for me. I have turned into the people that I hate the most. :(

 

Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :( happyflower

Posted by Jazzed on May 26, 2005, at 8:56:32

In reply to criticalness= emotional abuse? :(, posted by happyflower on May 26, 2005, at 8:13:05

Hey Flower! Just because you can be critical doesn't mean that all that comes out of your mouth is critical. I feel the same way, that I tend to be criical, but usually it's in particular situations, not all the time. Do you think that's the case with you? I find that I'm more sarcastic when I'm not sure of myself, or I don't know what to say. Those times I should just keep my mouth shut, or be kinder to myself by saying something nice, even if it's stupid. I don't want to be like my mom or my dad. My dad was verbally and emotionally abusive, and my mom was too, but not to the same degree. I do find that I do some of the things they do, some things are worse. I get so impatient with my kids. Like today, they're overactive, and it's driving me bananas, but as long as I can maintain a passable decorum with them and don't hurt them, that's acceptable to me. It's the best I can do under the circumstances.

I'd say, given the knowledge that you have, now you can work on doing better. That's really all we can ask of ourselves. I'm sure your T would see this as a great area to work on. Good luck!

Jazz

 

Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :(

Posted by pegasus on May 26, 2005, at 9:32:13

In reply to criticalness= emotional abuse? :(, posted by happyflower on May 26, 2005, at 8:13:05

No, no, you are not the people you hate. You're working on yourself, trying to see how you affect others. And you're really concerned about potentially hurting other people. I know it's hard to realize negative things about yourself, but it's really good work to do. And I know it feels icky, but I really applaud you for facing it. So many of us just get defensive, and then later forget about it when we get that kind of feedback.

I'm not agreeing that you're critical; I really don't know you well enough to say one way or another. But I can see that you're a sensitive, caring person.

pegasus

 

Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :( (trigger) happyflower

Posted by Daisym on May 26, 2005, at 12:37:27

In reply to criticalness= emotional abuse? :(, posted by happyflower on May 26, 2005, at 8:13:05

Be really careful with this line of thinking, it can drive you to the edge.

I discovered anger in myself and I was devastated that it was there. I identified it as being "just like" the abuser too -- and it made me seriously suicidal. I mean that, seriously. I was so upset about who I thought I was that the idea that my kids would miss me was completely off-set with the idea that they shouldn't be near me. I spent some really tough nights in the black hole of depression. I was truly a mess and saw no way out. I worried my poor friends, especially here, half to death and my therapist insisted on daily check-ins, even over the weekends.

I'm not all the way back, there are still dark days and the anger scares me senseless. But I tell myself that my parents never entered therapy. I tell myself that I don't drink (OK, occasionally...) or do drugs so I don't have those influences. I tell myself that I've never, ever touched my kids in an abusive way and they are sweet, nice young men who love life and have amazing talents. So I must have the ability to do some things right.

Don't wear this mantel. You will learn lots of things about yourself that you don't like. But these are the influences of the past, not the past itself. You can change this. You can limit the effects of this because you are now aware of this. But don't hate yourself. You didn't invite the abuse and you are bravely taking steps to not go there.

(((HappyFlower)))

I hope today is better.

 

Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :( happyflower

Posted by pinkeye on May 26, 2005, at 14:38:44

In reply to criticalness= emotional abuse? :(, posted by happyflower on May 26, 2005, at 8:13:05

Dear Kid,
Don't beat yourself up like that. You know in your heart you are not your mom. Even though you think or rather afraid of it everyday in your life - if you will end up being like her and repeat the same mistakes. But guess what, you are not !!!. You have learnt from the mistakes, but have not repeated them. And you never will. Even if you unconsciously relive some of it, and repeat a mild portion of it, you are good enough to monitor yourself and change it yourslef or seek help.

That is the hall mark of a good person - in fact a pretty good and decent person. We all see so many bad things and go through bad things in the world when we live. And sometimes unconsciously some of it is infringed upon us to some extent - espeically if we have to see the bad things again and again and experience them again and again. But you are such a good person, that even though only negative things were shown to you and you had to experience only negative things in life, you have managed to see the positive things and do good things to your kid and others. So what if a mild part of it is still remaining? I am sure wiht your good attitude, you will learn to unlearn it.

 

I called my T

Posted by happyflower on May 26, 2005, at 15:51:25

In reply to criticalness= emotional abuse? :(, posted by happyflower on May 26, 2005, at 8:13:05

I really tried not to call him again this week, but I did because I feel me emotions were going in circles and I couldn't consentrate on anything else. Now that I allow myself to feel sad I am having trouble with controling it.
He was so gentle and nice and soothing to me. He said I was not like my mother ( just look at my great kids) he said. He thinks I use my criticalness as a defense. He said it isn't always a bad thing, he said it has keep me out of a lot of trouble as a teenager and young adult. He explained how my feelings towards him is like other intimate feelings you have in real life because I tell him everything and it resembles an intimate relationship a lot like real life, so me pushing him away so I don't get hurt is understandable.He didn't say transference, but I know thats what he meant, thanks to Babble! lol But I do feel I am critical to others and am not aware when I am, I think I am being witty, so I need to talk more about this because I don't think it is all self defense. My next appointment is Tuesday, so I hope to get this all out. He always keep our phone conversations very short and professional, but it does make me feel better, it calms me down.
All you Babblers all responed the same way he did, I guess I should send you all checks for your expertise. I really appreciate all your kind words and support. I really need you all, I love you all.

 

Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :( Jazzed

Posted by happyflower on May 26, 2005, at 16:04:24

In reply to Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :( happyflower, posted by Jazzed on May 26, 2005, at 8:56:32

Yeah, I think you are right, when I feel unsure of myself especially around new people I tend to put my foot in my mouth. I try to seem wity but I usually I come across as critical or sarcastic. My husband says that I say what others are thinking and are not bold enough to say. I guess just smiling would be better than saying anything, let them say something first. That would give me time to think of something more appropriate to say. I hate social situations, I feel so uneasy and not good enough.
My T says almost everyone feels this way at first. He said the key is to do it over and over again, and it becomes easier. I really like what you said, it is nice to feel that I am not alone.
As far as kind driving you bananas, I homeschool my kids, so they are always at home, unless they are with friends. But some days all you can do is let them run crazy and as long as the don't hurt each other, let them go at it. lol

 

Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :( pegasus

Posted by happyflower on May 26, 2005, at 16:05:51

In reply to Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :(, posted by pegasus on May 26, 2005, at 9:32:13

Thank you! You kind words mean a lot especailly now. Thanks!

 

Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :( (trigger) Daisym

Posted by happyflower on May 26, 2005, at 16:09:06

In reply to Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :( (trigger) happyflower, posted by Daisym on May 26, 2005, at 12:37:27

You are so right Daisy. I have never been sucidal but I can see how easy it could happen. My emotions were just getting worse and running like crazy through my head. I don't want to be like my mother and just realizing that a little of me is like her, scared me! But I am going to work to change that. Thanks!

 

Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :( pinkeye

Posted by happyflower on May 26, 2005, at 16:12:11

In reply to Re: criticalness= emotional abuse? :( happyflower, posted by pinkeye on May 26, 2005, at 14:38:44

Pinkeye, what would I do without you? You are such a great and caring person that I am glad I know. I really appreciate your support! :) You are right I am not my mother ( sometimes I just need someone to say it). Thank you.


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