Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 455625

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Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 16:41:43

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 16:12:48

That doesn't sound at all as if he didn't care about you. It sounds as if he was constrained by outside circumstances to discontinue your correspondence.

If you think of how long he did continue to correspond with you, does that help you see that he couldn't possibly have disliked you?

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 16:53:50

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 16:41:43

Wow. Pinkeye?

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 17:08:32

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 16:41:43

Dinah/Susan
I know he cared professionally about me extremely a lot. I never ever doubted even for a moment that he did very much for me..And I am not concerned about the discontinuing part.. it was best for both of us and I agreed with him on that one.

Well, as you said maybe he did like me. He did write to me for 2 and a half years. But what I am scared of is, he is a very duty bound person.. so even if he never liked me, he would have still done the same. He is not the type to let his personal liking/disliking to interfere with helping when needed. See what I am getting at? He could have just said at the end I did like you as a person or something like that. That would have helped me a lot. Do you think I am asking too much? I did ask him explicitly if he atleast liked me a little bit, but he refused to comment either way. That is why it is so scary. I am just so scared that all these help he did was because he was just duty bound towards me and never liked me personally.

> That doesn't sound at all as if he didn't care about you. It sounds as if he was constrained by outside circumstances to discontinue your correspondence.
>
> If you think of how long he did continue to correspond with you, does that help you see that he couldn't possibly have disliked you?

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 17:42:53

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 17:08:32

Dinah/Susan,
I should really thank you both for replying to my posts. It is helping me so much to get this off of my chest and process it. Feeling better than I did before.
I should really stop this kind of rumination.. this is what gets me into depression. Only I don't know how to stop.
I guess I should just assume he did like me and let it go at that without drilling down too much into it. He is one of the best and I was very lucky to have met him.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 18:46:56

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 17:08:32

Nobody is that duty bound. Nobody. He could have discharged his duty in other ways.

I think you can assume that he cared about you. Isn't that just as good as liking?

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 18:49:02

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 18:46:56

Which isn't to say he didn't "like" you. There's reasonably good evidence that he did like you. But overwhelming evidence that he cared about you.

I'm sure there was some technical therapy reason he couldn't answer your question. Some therapists are sticklers about those things. My therapist always uses "care for". It must be officially sanctioned or something.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 19:14:44

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 18:49:02

Your post is very soothing. You have worded it extremely well. Thanks a lot. I will try to look at it this way. I guess I was just worried excessively - maybe becuase I like him a lot and wanted the same from him also. He was really a wonderful doctor.. I really miss him a lot. But I guess such is life.. you cannot always hang on to persons you like. I only wish I had been like him, that I had known him in some other way, I could have been friends with him.

> Which isn't to say he didn't "like" you. There's reasonably good evidence that he did like you. But overwhelming evidence that he cared about you.
>
> I'm sure there was some technical therapy reason he couldn't answer your question. Some therapists are sticklers about those things. My therapist always uses "care for". It must be officially sanctioned or something.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:17:15

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 19:14:44

I agree.

There are things in the therapy relationship that make it frustrating, but those are the same things that make it valuable.

And losing the people we care about stinks. Period.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 19:23:19

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:17:15

Thanks a bunch Dinah. All these are bringing tears to my eyes. Anyway, it is so hard to let go of such an important relationship. I am so tempted everyday to write, but have to hold back. I don't want to cause him further work. He didn't even charge me for all the work that he did with me. Sometimes I feel he was really an exceptionally great person. I wouldn't have done so much for anyone myself - maybe not even for my closest friends. That is what makes it so much the harder to let go. I feel almost like what they say here - touched by an angel. That is literally what I feel to have been able to receive so much of care. I hope someday I will be able to be worthy of it and give the same to others.

 

Pay it Forward is a beautiful concept. (nm) pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:25:26

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye Dinah, posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 19:23:19

 

Re sex may trigger?

Posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 18:54:24

In reply to He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 12:43:42

Mmmmmmm I'm in sexual hyperdrive just called ex-t's machine and talked before the beep, over his voice, on top of him so to speak oh Yes! I can't believe how some men are as sexy as mashed potatoes, most men are like that actually, but others just ... oh, man. At the theatre i'm back in the saddle again, again, back in oh yes back in it's so much fun and I'm nice and I have something I like, i like, i like, i like. Susan's got her mojo, oh yes please let it last just a little bit longer, maybe a whole week that would be awesome, please don't make ex-T cut her off she needs to feel good, needs to oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. (Big Smile) And he didn't know I phoned so there, I didn't hurt anyone, didn't hurt anyone oh no, oh no, oh no.

 

Re: Re sex may trigger?

Posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 19:35:42

In reply to Re sex may trigger?, posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 18:54:24

Reading the book I am these last two days, two very good books, and realizing Susan never had a geniune relationship with a male person her whole life. Once, maybe, and he was a really good friend who ended up having a terrible crush on her, oh yes he was so transferred onto me it was ri-di-cu-lous. And hurt to be someone with too much power, power I didn't want, oh yes, oh yes, I'm re-playing that whole scene again, replaying it with my ex-T, hmmm.

 

He Cared Too much.

Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 0:01:47

In reply to Re: Re sex may trigger?, posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 19:35:42

My ex-t. I believe in my heart of hearts that is one of the reasons he couldn't help me. He took on too much. Too much. Men rescue women. Man = protector. Woman = helpless. Age-old, age-old. A trap. One women like me need to be more aware of. Oh yes.

 

Re: He Cared Too much. Susan47

Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 13:37:46

In reply to He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 0:01:47

Are they all not trained for this kind of thing?

 

Re: He Cared Too much.

Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 14:20:14

In reply to Re: He Cared Too much. Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 13:37:46

I believe they are but I asked my therapist once, if he ever saw a therapist. His answer? No. And a somewhat sheepish look.
I believe he ran into problems with me for precisely that reason.
And if he was lying to me, then that again would be a problem, wouldn't it? In any case, I know he didn't work with what was workable. I'll probably always wonder at the reasons why, when I think about it. The trick is, to not think about it anymore. I have to find a way to lay this to rest, because I don't believe I will ever get the answers from him.

 

Re: He Cared Too much.

Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 14:26:34

In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 14:20:14

Do I remember right - you asked him to terminate you because you had lot of attachment to him - just after a few sessions right?

 

Re: He Cared Too much.

Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:22:07

In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 14:26:34

Oh dear, my true past catches up with me. How did you remember that? Yes in fact it's something I keep forgetting. I asked him not to allow me to make any more appointments with him because I was having bad thoughts about him. And I was. I didn't trust him. But..
this book I'm reading now is throwing so much light onto me, myself and I.. also onto my therapist. Listen to this "if something big in a relationship is not being talked about (by either patient or therapist), the nothing else of importance will be discussed either."

 

Re: He Cared Too much.

Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:26:37

In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:22:07

But regardless of what I said, he did terminate me, and he did refuse to see me anymore. I couldn't possibly go back, I tried and he gave me no choice. So you see, it is more serious than just a request on my part. It was a decision on his. And it was a decision he claimed not to have made until just last week. And even then, it sounds like he's denying even that to himself, it sounds like he just confirmed it in his own mind that not seeing me was the right thing to do. BUt it wasn't. He should've stuck out the therapy with me, and laid down firmer guidlines, like, you need to commit to therapy such-and-so many times at least or I can't help you. His boundaries and his goal-setting both sucked with me. I think his behaviour probably varies greatly between clients .. who knows, I never will. :)

 

Re: He Cared Too much.

Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:34:04

In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:26:37

There's a "me" in every chapter of this book... it's very cool... I like that I can see myself in others ...

 

Re: He Cared Too much.

Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 17:01:13

In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 16:26:37

It is hard for you - I can see it. But sometimes therapists have their own reasons why they make certain decisions - they are human and have lots of limitations themselves - they may not be able to control their feelings 100 %, they may not be able to help certain types of clients etc etc. You will never know the reasons, so the only thing you can do now is to accept that he is a human and probably has made a mistake with you and let it go at that. Can you try to do that instead of troubling yourself about it?

 

I don't know. I'm very angry. (nm) pinkeye

Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 17:37:25

In reply to Re: He Cared Too much., posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 17:01:13

 

Re: I don't know. I'm very angry. Susan47

Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 18:10:03

In reply to I don't know. I'm very angry. (nm) pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 17:37:25

I am very sorry you are hurting so much. Do you have a new T to work on with? Will that help?

 

Re: I don't know. I'm very angry.

Posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 19:27:53

In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry. Susan47, posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 18:10:03

I hope it will help. I believe I'm doing the best I can. I know I am. That's all I can do.

 

Re: I don't know. I'm very angry.

Posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 19:50:31

In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry., posted by Susan47 on February 14, 2005, at 19:27:53

That is good enough. That is all we can do. Many times feeling better is not completely in our hands.. We can only do our best.

 

Re: I don't know. I'm very angry.

Posted by Susan47 on February 16, 2005, at 17:06:27

In reply to Re: I don't know. I'm very angry., posted by pinkeye on February 14, 2005, at 19:50:31

I don't like myself when I am angry. I don't like not loving people. I want to be loving. I want to be kind, open and understanding. This is hurting me and I need to let it go. Let it go. I will never understand because I will never know. Guessing makes me uncertain, and that makes me unhappy. I can't do it anymore. I can't carry the whole burden of guilt anymore, Dr. W. I don't like what you've done. I wish I liked who you are, but I suspect I might not really. That just has to be okay. I suspect you don't like me, and that has to be okay as well.


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