Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 455625

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Re: thanks all pinkeye

Posted by Pfinstegg on February 10, 2005, at 15:07:15

In reply to Re: thanks all, posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 14:10:31

So, while you were seeing him you felt that he liked and cared about you, but, now that you aren't seeing him anymore, you no longer think he does? Did you actually terminate, or is there some other reason you aren't seeing him now? It sounds like your work with him isn't finished. Can you see him again, or see another T? It's an awful feeling-to be haunted by those doubts- and not have a way to resolve them.

I feel that my T likes and respects me, even when I am feeling very ashamed and self-hating. He's trained to be so patient, warm and accepting- even during difficult times when things seem to be so stuck and painful. But, beyond that, I do think we have a real mutual liking for one another, He has never said that he liked me- and I don't think he would say that, but he has said that he feels it is a privilege to be my analyst- that one phrase is carrying me through every emotional storm you can possibly think of! I hope you can get a better resolution of your doubts, too. Do you sometimes wonderful why you felt more confidence about his liking and caring when you were actually seeing him, but have not been able to maintain that feeling now that you're not?

 

Re: thanks all

Posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 15:34:38

In reply to Re: thanks all pinkeye, posted by Pfinstegg on February 10, 2005, at 15:07:15

I don't know too much why I lost the confidence now.. the story that I have is somewhat different from regular therapy. He is in another country and I correspond via emails - officially I just terminated couple of weeks back with him.. smooth termination, no problems.

Only this lingering sense of maybe he never liked me is still not resolved. I guess I will never know the answer.. since I don't think I will be able to contact him again and even if I ask again, I am sure he won't give me an answer either way. Just have to live with it I guess.
He treated me extremely well, I felt respected cared for etc etc.. I don't have any complaints about that. Only I am not sure if he was just doing it because he felt duty bound and because I was his patient and maybe he never really liked me personally very much. I don't know.. I guess it is my own fears of not being liked .. anyway, writing about it here is helping in a way to get it off of my chest.

> So, while you were seeing him you felt that he liked and cared about you, but, now that you aren't seeing him anymore, you no longer think he does? Did you actually terminate, or is there some other reason you aren't seeing him now? It sounds like your work with him isn't finished. Can you see him again, or see another T? It's an awful feeling-to be haunted by those doubts- and not have a way to resolve them.
>
> I feel that my T likes and respects me, even when I am feeling very ashamed and self-hating. He's trained to be so patient, warm and accepting- even during difficult times when things seem to be so stuck and painful. But, beyond that, I do think we have a real mutual liking for one another, He has never said that he liked me- and I don't think he would say that, but he has said that he feels it is a privilege to be my analyst- that one phrase is carrying me through every emotional storm you can possibly think of! I hope you can get a better resolution of your doubts, too. Do you sometimes wonderful why you felt more confidence about his liking and caring when you were actually seeing him, but have not been able to maintain that feeling now that you're not?

 

Re: thanks all pinkeye

Posted by pegasus on February 10, 2005, at 17:29:53

In reply to Re: thanks all, posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 15:34:38

Hi pinkeye,

I was having a conversation about this once with my T, and he said that he absolutely didn't like all of his clients. I mean, he liked some and didn't really like others. But when he was working with someone to whom he had trouble developing friendly feelings, then that would need to become part of the therapy. Not that he'd just come out and say, "Hey, I don't like you much. What do you think about that?" But he would point out some of his reactions to things that the client did/said, and explore whether the client received other similar reactions from other people, and how they felt about it, what role that played in their life, etc. I guess the point was that if the therapist is having trouble with a client, then that is probably part of the client's experience with a lot of other people too, and probably part of what they need to be working on in therapy.

So, the point of this was to explain that Ts don't have an obligation to act like they like every client. Sure, they need to have some kind of positive regard for their clients, but if they really don't like someone, then they have an obligation to work with the client on those issues.

I hope that makes sense, and helps you believe that your T probably really did like you if they acted like they did.

pegasus

 

Re: thanks all pegasus

Posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 17:46:27

In reply to Re: thanks all pinkeye, posted by pegasus on February 10, 2005, at 17:29:53

thank you so much pegasus. you know, I am feeling so low today for some reason. And somehow don't seem to be able to just come into grips with stuff. I keep feeling very unlikeable.. don't know why.

You are probably right - maybe he did like me as a client... but if he did, he never said so - not in so many words - atleast not in a long time. I am not sure if I behaved well as a client - I probably pestered him too much and didn't leave him for a long time.. I was one of his first cilents when he started practicing and I was his last client when he stopped - he stopped praciticing within couple of years of practice because he had to take care of other stuff. Maybe he thought I was a huge nuisance all along.. writing to him endlessly..

My God, I am really into so much of negative thoughts today.

 

He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 12:43:42

In reply to Re: Do your Ts like you?, posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 10:47:01

It wasn't until after he'd terminated me that my therapist told me "You're a nice person." And that was on the phone, several days or weeks later, when it finally dawned on him that I was going through hell over it.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 12:44:33

In reply to He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 12:43:42

Apparently, he must not have thought very kindly of me.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 13:00:25

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 12:44:33

> Apparently, he must not have thought very kindly of me.

:-). Maybe I am in the same boat as you. It is a funny thing with life - how you come to like someone so very much and realize that they probably don't have a little bit of liking towards you. It is better never to like anyone in life.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 13:15:53

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 13:00:25

I wish it didn't hurt so much. Every time I think he probably never liked me, I start crying.. I probably had as best an experience as you could with a T - liked him a lot, never had any problem with him or his style - jsut this one thing that he doesn't like me much is hard to swallow. I wish I could somehow ease the feeling for myself. At a loss as to what to do. I think I will never hear from him again and won't be writing to him anymore. He was the closest friend I had.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 15:21:53

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 13:15:53

(((pinkeye)))
It's not our fault.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 16:00:43

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 15:21:53

> (((pinkeye)))
> It's not our fault.

Thanks Susan. It helps to have someone understand how you feel. I guess I will become allright with time. Even if he didn't like me personally, he went out of the way to help me - so I will try to look at that and will try to forget this thing - maybe I am still not upto par for his standards.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye

Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 16:03:17

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 16:00:43

I don't know what happened with you and your therapist, I don't know if you know what happened with mine, but whatever it was for both of us, we feel pretty badly about it. Are we stronger for it, for what happened, are we different people in some significant way?

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 16:12:48

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 16:03:17

> I don't know what happened with you and your therapist, I don't know if you know what happened with mine, but whatever it was for both of us, we feel pretty badly about it. Are we stronger for it, for what happened, are we different people in some significant way?


I don't understand the last line of the post. What do you mean by that?

Actually nothing bad really ever happened with my therapist. Only I like him a lot and wish he liked me too. I don't know really if he likes me or doesn't like me. He wouldn't comment on it. I wish he would say something like yeah I liked you etc.. That is the only hope. And I am having a hard time missing writing to him. I feel like a kid going and telling him everything that happens.. but have to stop myself. He tried to help me really to his best. I wrote to him for a long time, and he closed his practice and couldn't continue to allow me writing to him anymore. And I also started getting extremely attached to him, to the point where writing was getting very emotionally involving for myself. So mutually it was the best thing to stop it. And I let him know that I wished to stop as well, and he also found it hard to continue supporting. So it was pretty mutual decision.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 16:29:12

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 16:03:17

> I don't know what happened with you and your therapist, I don't know if you know what happened with mine, but whatever it was for both of us, we feel pretty badly about it. Are we stronger for it, for what happened, are we different people in some significant way?

Maybe I should just let it go and move on. That is what they prescribe for getting ourselves out of depression and this kind of negative rumination.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 16:41:43

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 16:12:48

That doesn't sound at all as if he didn't care about you. It sounds as if he was constrained by outside circumstances to discontinue your correspondence.

If you think of how long he did continue to correspond with you, does that help you see that he couldn't possibly have disliked you?

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 16:53:50

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 16:41:43

Wow. Pinkeye?

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 17:08:32

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 16:41:43

Dinah/Susan
I know he cared professionally about me extremely a lot. I never ever doubted even for a moment that he did very much for me..And I am not concerned about the discontinuing part.. it was best for both of us and I agreed with him on that one.

Well, as you said maybe he did like me. He did write to me for 2 and a half years. But what I am scared of is, he is a very duty bound person.. so even if he never liked me, he would have still done the same. He is not the type to let his personal liking/disliking to interfere with helping when needed. See what I am getting at? He could have just said at the end I did like you as a person or something like that. That would have helped me a lot. Do you think I am asking too much? I did ask him explicitly if he atleast liked me a little bit, but he refused to comment either way. That is why it is so scary. I am just so scared that all these help he did was because he was just duty bound towards me and never liked me personally.

> That doesn't sound at all as if he didn't care about you. It sounds as if he was constrained by outside circumstances to discontinue your correspondence.
>
> If you think of how long he did continue to correspond with you, does that help you see that he couldn't possibly have disliked you?

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 17:42:53

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 17:08:32

Dinah/Susan,
I should really thank you both for replying to my posts. It is helping me so much to get this off of my chest and process it. Feeling better than I did before.
I should really stop this kind of rumination.. this is what gets me into depression. Only I don't know how to stop.
I guess I should just assume he did like me and let it go at that without drilling down too much into it. He is one of the best and I was very lucky to have met him.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 18:46:56

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 17:08:32

Nobody is that duty bound. Nobody. He could have discharged his duty in other ways.

I think you can assume that he cared about you. Isn't that just as good as liking?

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 18:49:02

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 18:46:56

Which isn't to say he didn't "like" you. There's reasonably good evidence that he did like you. But overwhelming evidence that he cared about you.

I'm sure there was some technical therapy reason he couldn't answer your question. Some therapists are sticklers about those things. My therapist always uses "care for". It must be officially sanctioned or something.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 19:14:44

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 18:49:02

Your post is very soothing. You have worded it extremely well. Thanks a lot. I will try to look at it this way. I guess I was just worried excessively - maybe becuase I like him a lot and wanted the same from him also. He was really a wonderful doctor.. I really miss him a lot. But I guess such is life.. you cannot always hang on to persons you like. I only wish I had been like him, that I had known him in some other way, I could have been friends with him.

> Which isn't to say he didn't "like" you. There's reasonably good evidence that he did like you. But overwhelming evidence that he cared about you.
>
> I'm sure there was some technical therapy reason he couldn't answer your question. Some therapists are sticklers about those things. My therapist always uses "care for". It must be officially sanctioned or something.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:17:15

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 19:14:44

I agree.

There are things in the therapy relationship that make it frustrating, but those are the same things that make it valuable.

And losing the people we care about stinks. Period.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye Dinah

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 19:23:19

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:17:15

Thanks a bunch Dinah. All these are bringing tears to my eyes. Anyway, it is so hard to let go of such an important relationship. I am so tempted everyday to write, but have to hold back. I don't want to cause him further work. He didn't even charge me for all the work that he did with me. Sometimes I feel he was really an exceptionally great person. I wouldn't have done so much for anyone myself - maybe not even for my closest friends. That is what makes it so much the harder to let go. I feel almost like what they say here - touched by an angel. That is literally what I feel to have been able to receive so much of care. I hope someday I will be able to be worthy of it and give the same to others.

 

Pay it Forward is a beautiful concept. (nm) pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 11, 2005, at 19:25:26

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. - Pinkeye Dinah, posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 19:23:19

 

Re sex may trigger?

Posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 18:54:24

In reply to He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 12:43:42

Mmmmmmm I'm in sexual hyperdrive just called ex-t's machine and talked before the beep, over his voice, on top of him so to speak oh Yes! I can't believe how some men are as sexy as mashed potatoes, most men are like that actually, but others just ... oh, man. At the theatre i'm back in the saddle again, again, back in oh yes back in it's so much fun and I'm nice and I have something I like, i like, i like, i like. Susan's got her mojo, oh yes please let it last just a little bit longer, maybe a whole week that would be awesome, please don't make ex-T cut her off she needs to feel good, needs to oh yes, oh yes, oh yes. (Big Smile) And he didn't know I phoned so there, I didn't hurt anyone, didn't hurt anyone oh no, oh no, oh no.

 

Re: Re sex may trigger?

Posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 19:35:42

In reply to Re sex may trigger?, posted by Susan47 on February 13, 2005, at 18:54:24

Reading the book I am these last two days, two very good books, and realizing Susan never had a geniune relationship with a male person her whole life. Once, maybe, and he was a really good friend who ended up having a terrible crush on her, oh yes he was so transferred onto me it was ri-di-cu-lous. And hurt to be someone with too much power, power I didn't want, oh yes, oh yes, I'm re-playing that whole scene again, replaying it with my ex-T, hmmm.


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