Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 455625

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Re: Do your Ts like you?

Posted by annierose on February 9, 2005, at 21:49:40

In reply to Re: Do your Ts like you? Poet, posted by pinkeye on February 9, 2005, at 21:17:30

Yes, I know my T likes me. It is something I can feel in the manner she interacts with me. She's genuinely concerned, interested, appropriate, etc.
And when I am having a particularly hard time, she comforts me just by listening. I couldn't work with her if I didn't feel liked.

 

Re: Do your Ts like you? pinkeye

Posted by rainbowbrite on February 9, 2005, at 22:25:15

In reply to Do your Ts like you?, posted by pinkeye on February 9, 2005, at 19:54:50

I think mine likes me but T is so professional that it is hard to tell for sure. i think that if a T did not like the patient they would have problems working with them and abort the relationship. At least I would hope so.

 

Re: Do your Ts like you? pinkeye

Posted by thewrite1 on February 9, 2005, at 23:01:54

In reply to Do your Ts like you?, posted by pinkeye on February 9, 2005, at 19:54:50

I think my T does like me. I went in for one session and I asked her, "Describe me. One word. Go." Without hesitation, she said, "likeable." Good enough for me.

 

Re: Do your Ts like you?

Posted by mair on February 10, 2005, at 9:45:02

In reply to Do your Ts like you?, posted by pinkeye on February 9, 2005, at 19:54:50

Mine says she does, but I can't always take that in. She's gone so far as to say that if we knew each other under different circumstances, we'd probably be friends. She's also had to reinforce a bunch to times that she likes working with me, although that's sometimes a hard sell too.

Lately I've had a little easier time taking in the message that she does care about me. She'll respond to things in a way which seems genuine to me. It's made it alot easier for me to take some risks with what issues I choose to raise.

Everyone has their own style and it sounds like your T is more invested in being more of a blank slate. My T and I have talked alot about the blank slate approach lately. It would be a tough approach for me to deal with. I tend to need a lot of reassurance.

Mair

 

Re: Do your Ts like you?

Posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 10:47:01

In reply to Re: Do your Ts like you?, posted by mair on February 10, 2005, at 9:45:02

I'm trying really hard to think of myself in the terms, "What's not to like?" I know it's unrealistic that people will like everything about me, but I feel I need to accept everything about me so that I'm not worried whether my therapist likes me. I used to worry about that with my last therapist, then near the end when I was getting really antagonistic towards him because he was such a blank slate, I told myself he didn't need to like me ... but I was lying to myself. I really wanted him to like me. Thinking that he didn't really hurt me quite a lot. This is such a good thread.

 

Re: Do your Ts like you? pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 12:38:05

In reply to Do your Ts like you?, posted by pinkeye on February 9, 2005, at 19:54:50

My therapist absolutely would not choose me as someone to hang out with. In that way, I would say he doesn't like me at all. He also not infrequently finds me annoying and hard to deal with.

But for all that, he's grown fond of me as more than a lucrative income stream, I think.

I think I'm more than happy enough with caring and fondness even, or maybe especially, in the face of the fact that I'm not the sort of person he'd choose to feel fond of. It's like the fondness and caring are made of more than mere chemistry. If the fondness and caring were borne of the fact that he found me likeable, he could quit caring when I did something unlikeable or uncharming. But they aren't. They're based on history and knowledge and working through difficulties together. On mutual commitment.

So his fondness and caring feel deep in the way a very long marriage is deep.

But that's just me.

 

Re: thanks all

Posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 13:13:03

In reply to Re: Do your Ts like you? pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 12:38:05

thanks guys for the posts. It is making me very envious and jealous though when you say all your Ts like you. Am feeling very down now, I guess I shouldn't have started this thread. I want to be liked too.

 

T's accepting clients

Posted by Shortelise on February 10, 2005, at 13:16:49

In reply to Re: Do your Ts like you? pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 12:38:05

Yes, I think my T likes me most of the time. I think he has disliked some of my behavior, but I think he likes me.

When I first met with him, when we were seeing if we could work together, I think part of that process for both of us was to see if we liked each other.

Does anyone know if that is part of what a T thinks about when deciding to take on a patient/client?

I believe a T has to be on our side when he works with us. What good would s/he be if he were indifferent or, worse, hostile?

I have felt that my T hated me at times when I hated myself. We talked about it. It was important to talk about it, and it helped a lot.

Self-loathing is so painful. I wouldn't want to work with a T who didn't embody the antithesis of that feeling: fondness, liking, and even affection.

ShortE

 

Re: thanks all pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 13:22:15

In reply to Re: thanks all, posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 13:13:03

Well, no need to feel envious in my case. It certainly wasn't something that happened right away. I just plugged away at it.

 

Re: thanks all

Posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 13:43:50

In reply to Re: thanks all pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 13:22:15

> Well, no need to feel envious in my case. It certainly wasn't something that happened right away. I just plugged away at it.

Thanks Dinah. I am not so much envious.. I just wish I could have been so certain that my T liked me too. I liked him a lot and I understand he doesn't have to like me and all but it is still very hard. Especially this is the person who knows everything about you, and if they don't like you, maybe I am not such a likeable person at all. It doesn't bother me sometimes that much, other times it hurts me a lot - like today. It feels so pathetically sad that all these years I have been telling everything about me to a person who doesn't even like me a little bit.

 

Re: thanks all pinkeye

Posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 13:54:04

In reply to Re: thanks all, posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 13:43:50

But what makes you think that's true?

I find it rather hard to believe.

 

Re: thanks all

Posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 14:10:31

In reply to Re: thanks all pinkeye, posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 13:54:04

I don't know. I guess I am being very pessimistic today. I used to be certain that he liked me - maybe not too much but atleast to a good extent.. I am not so sure in the past few months.. somehow just feel that way. Also I haven't seen him for more than a year now.. so there is really nothing to go by except the few mails .. I don't know.. today I am too messed up and crying :-(.

 

Re: thanks all pinkeye

Posted by Pfinstegg on February 10, 2005, at 15:07:15

In reply to Re: thanks all, posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 14:10:31

So, while you were seeing him you felt that he liked and cared about you, but, now that you aren't seeing him anymore, you no longer think he does? Did you actually terminate, or is there some other reason you aren't seeing him now? It sounds like your work with him isn't finished. Can you see him again, or see another T? It's an awful feeling-to be haunted by those doubts- and not have a way to resolve them.

I feel that my T likes and respects me, even when I am feeling very ashamed and self-hating. He's trained to be so patient, warm and accepting- even during difficult times when things seem to be so stuck and painful. But, beyond that, I do think we have a real mutual liking for one another, He has never said that he liked me- and I don't think he would say that, but he has said that he feels it is a privilege to be my analyst- that one phrase is carrying me through every emotional storm you can possibly think of! I hope you can get a better resolution of your doubts, too. Do you sometimes wonderful why you felt more confidence about his liking and caring when you were actually seeing him, but have not been able to maintain that feeling now that you're not?

 

Re: thanks all

Posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 15:34:38

In reply to Re: thanks all pinkeye, posted by Pfinstegg on February 10, 2005, at 15:07:15

I don't know too much why I lost the confidence now.. the story that I have is somewhat different from regular therapy. He is in another country and I correspond via emails - officially I just terminated couple of weeks back with him.. smooth termination, no problems.

Only this lingering sense of maybe he never liked me is still not resolved. I guess I will never know the answer.. since I don't think I will be able to contact him again and even if I ask again, I am sure he won't give me an answer either way. Just have to live with it I guess.
He treated me extremely well, I felt respected cared for etc etc.. I don't have any complaints about that. Only I am not sure if he was just doing it because he felt duty bound and because I was his patient and maybe he never really liked me personally very much. I don't know.. I guess it is my own fears of not being liked .. anyway, writing about it here is helping in a way to get it off of my chest.

> So, while you were seeing him you felt that he liked and cared about you, but, now that you aren't seeing him anymore, you no longer think he does? Did you actually terminate, or is there some other reason you aren't seeing him now? It sounds like your work with him isn't finished. Can you see him again, or see another T? It's an awful feeling-to be haunted by those doubts- and not have a way to resolve them.
>
> I feel that my T likes and respects me, even when I am feeling very ashamed and self-hating. He's trained to be so patient, warm and accepting- even during difficult times when things seem to be so stuck and painful. But, beyond that, I do think we have a real mutual liking for one another, He has never said that he liked me- and I don't think he would say that, but he has said that he feels it is a privilege to be my analyst- that one phrase is carrying me through every emotional storm you can possibly think of! I hope you can get a better resolution of your doubts, too. Do you sometimes wonderful why you felt more confidence about his liking and caring when you were actually seeing him, but have not been able to maintain that feeling now that you're not?

 

Re: thanks all pinkeye

Posted by pegasus on February 10, 2005, at 17:29:53

In reply to Re: thanks all, posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 15:34:38

Hi pinkeye,

I was having a conversation about this once with my T, and he said that he absolutely didn't like all of his clients. I mean, he liked some and didn't really like others. But when he was working with someone to whom he had trouble developing friendly feelings, then that would need to become part of the therapy. Not that he'd just come out and say, "Hey, I don't like you much. What do you think about that?" But he would point out some of his reactions to things that the client did/said, and explore whether the client received other similar reactions from other people, and how they felt about it, what role that played in their life, etc. I guess the point was that if the therapist is having trouble with a client, then that is probably part of the client's experience with a lot of other people too, and probably part of what they need to be working on in therapy.

So, the point of this was to explain that Ts don't have an obligation to act like they like every client. Sure, they need to have some kind of positive regard for their clients, but if they really don't like someone, then they have an obligation to work with the client on those issues.

I hope that makes sense, and helps you believe that your T probably really did like you if they acted like they did.

pegasus

 

Re: thanks all pegasus

Posted by pinkeye on February 10, 2005, at 17:46:27

In reply to Re: thanks all pinkeye, posted by pegasus on February 10, 2005, at 17:29:53

thank you so much pegasus. you know, I am feeling so low today for some reason. And somehow don't seem to be able to just come into grips with stuff. I keep feeling very unlikeable.. don't know why.

You are probably right - maybe he did like me as a client... but if he did, he never said so - not in so many words - atleast not in a long time. I am not sure if I behaved well as a client - I probably pestered him too much and didn't leave him for a long time.. I was one of his first cilents when he started practicing and I was his last client when he stopped - he stopped praciticing within couple of years of practice because he had to take care of other stuff. Maybe he thought I was a huge nuisance all along.. writing to him endlessly..

My God, I am really into so much of negative thoughts today.

 

He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 12:43:42

In reply to Re: Do your Ts like you?, posted by Susan47 on February 10, 2005, at 10:47:01

It wasn't until after he'd terminated me that my therapist told me "You're a nice person." And that was on the phone, several days or weeks later, when it finally dawned on him that I was going through hell over it.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 12:44:33

In reply to He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 12:43:42

Apparently, he must not have thought very kindly of me.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 13:00:25

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 12:44:33

> Apparently, he must not have thought very kindly of me.

:-). Maybe I am in the same boat as you. It is a funny thing with life - how you come to like someone so very much and realize that they probably don't have a little bit of liking towards you. It is better never to like anyone in life.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 13:15:53

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 13:00:25

I wish it didn't hurt so much. Every time I think he probably never liked me, I start crying.. I probably had as best an experience as you could with a T - liked him a lot, never had any problem with him or his style - jsut this one thing that he doesn't like me much is hard to swallow. I wish I could somehow ease the feeling for myself. At a loss as to what to do. I think I will never hear from him again and won't be writing to him anymore. He was the closest friend I had.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 15:21:53

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 13:15:53

(((pinkeye)))
It's not our fault.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 16:00:43

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 15:21:53

> (((pinkeye)))
> It's not our fault.

Thanks Susan. It helps to have someone understand how you feel. I guess I will become allright with time. Even if he didn't like me personally, he went out of the way to help me - so I will try to look at that and will try to forget this thing - maybe I am still not upto par for his standards.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye

Posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 16:03:17

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah., posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 16:00:43

I don't know what happened with you and your therapist, I don't know if you know what happened with mine, but whatever it was for both of us, we feel pretty badly about it. Are we stronger for it, for what happened, are we different people in some significant way?

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 16:12:48

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 16:03:17

> I don't know what happened with you and your therapist, I don't know if you know what happened with mine, but whatever it was for both of us, we feel pretty badly about it. Are we stronger for it, for what happened, are we different people in some significant way?


I don't understand the last line of the post. What do you mean by that?

Actually nothing bad really ever happened with my therapist. Only I like him a lot and wish he liked me too. I don't know really if he likes me or doesn't like me. He wouldn't comment on it. I wish he would say something like yeah I liked you etc.. That is the only hope. And I am having a hard time missing writing to him. I feel like a kid going and telling him everything that happens.. but have to stop myself. He tried to help me really to his best. I wrote to him for a long time, and he closed his practice and couldn't continue to allow me writing to him anymore. And I also started getting extremely attached to him, to the point where writing was getting very emotionally involving for myself. So mutually it was the best thing to stop it. And I let him know that I wished to stop as well, and he also found it hard to continue supporting. So it was pretty mutual decision.

 

Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah.

Posted by pinkeye on February 11, 2005, at 16:29:12

In reply to Re: He Couldn't Tell Me - Hah. pinkeye, posted by Susan47 on February 11, 2005, at 16:03:17

> I don't know what happened with you and your therapist, I don't know if you know what happened with mine, but whatever it was for both of us, we feel pretty badly about it. Are we stronger for it, for what happened, are we different people in some significant way?

Maybe I should just let it go and move on. That is what they prescribe for getting ourselves out of depression and this kind of negative rumination.


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