Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 451999

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I think I need to find a new T

Posted by partlycloudy on February 2, 2005, at 20:04:21

Who cares whether appointments are kept or made. This new one is a bad time manager, and I don't feel I know her well enough - after 5 weeks or so - to say that my feelings are being hurt. never mind that when she calls, I always say "I'm fine", then collapse afterwards. jeez. She had made lite of me showing up when the office didn't show me as booked for an appointment; and she called me Monday evening looking for me when my calendar showed our appointment was a week away (which she couldn't keep).
Am I being overly sensitive to this new T?
She knows that I make a point to be on time for appointments, is she trying to teach me something/ Is this a TECHNIQUE???

gaaahhh. i think she is flakey. what to do?

 

Re: I think I need to find a new T partlycloudy

Posted by littleone on February 2, 2005, at 20:22:53

In reply to I think I need to find a new T, posted by partlycloudy on February 2, 2005, at 20:04:21

A T needs to be reliable. *Needs* to be. This is really not negotiable. I think you should certainly be understanding of the occasional slip up in appointment times, but this really does seem to have happened a lot in such a short space of time.

I guess it's possible that she's got a personal issue distracting her at the moment and hence the mistakes. You could ask her about it and try to get a feel for if it's the norm or not. But ack, I'd rather just leave than try to ask. But then, I guess that's why I need therapy ;)

You said you'd seen her for 5 weeks now. How often are you seeing her? If it's weekly, I would know by now if we clicked together or not. But then, I'm not sure how well you are at reading people like that.

I guess if I felt that connection, then I'd try to address the timing issues and build a stronger relationship. But if you don't feel a connection yet, well it would be easier to leave sooner rather than later.

I guess you could also start interviewing other T's on the side while you're still seeing her. By doing that, either you'll find a better T or you'll start to click with her. But then I'd feel a bit icky cheating on her. But that's just me.

Did you interview other T's while you were looking for your current T? Were there any promising runner ups?

 

Re: I think I need to find a new T littleone

Posted by Lucylooo on February 2, 2005, at 20:42:10

In reply to Re: I think I need to find a new T partlycloudy, posted by littleone on February 2, 2005, at 20:22:53

Trust yourself on this! If she isn't reliable it doesn't make any sense to continue with her.

I had a therapist that I did not feel comfortable with - there were a number of reasons why I didn't like her, but somehow I thought it would be good to work through those issues with her. I stayed a year, a huge mistake now that I have the benefit of hindsight. Not only did I not get out of therapy what I needed (since I never did trust her), but in our last session she said some unethical and really hurtful things.
Lucy

 

Re: I think I need to find a new T

Posted by Annierose on February 2, 2005, at 20:54:19

In reply to Re: I think I need to find a new T littleone, posted by Lucylooo on February 2, 2005, at 20:42:10

I think you may be right. Trust your gut. You need to be able to depend upon your therapist for being there. That's major. Five sessions is long enough.

 

Re: I think I need to find a new T partlycloudy

Posted by Shortelise on February 2, 2005, at 20:58:26

In reply to I think I need to find a new T, posted by partlycloudy on February 2, 2005, at 20:04:21

PC, this is inexcusable on her part. I don't care what else is going on in her life. A person in therapy needs to establish some trust with their therapist. I couldn't trust someone who changes/cancels/confuses, or forgets appointments.
I personally would have dumped her 3 weeks ago. But I am very, um, sensitive to this stuff.

If otherwise you absolutely LOVE her, then have it out with her. If not, considering she may not change, you could consider a new therapist.

ShortE

 

Re: I think I need to find a new T

Posted by mair on February 2, 2005, at 21:46:15

In reply to I think I need to find a new T, posted by partlycloudy on February 2, 2005, at 20:04:21

Once with my current pdoc, I showed up for an appointment and she wasn't there. You enter her office from the outside of a building so it was particularly disconcerting to walk up to the building door and just find it locked. I went back to my office and checked my calendar, and I was clearly there when I thought I was supposed to be. It turned out that she had me down in her book for several days earlier (when I obviously hadn't showed). She told me she assumed i had forgotten the appointment. This really frosted me because 1) I had always been very reliable about appointments, and 2) if she thought I had forgotten, why wouldn't she email me or call me to find out what happened. How long was she going to wait to hear from me? And really I'm positive I was right - I may have even found the appointment card. She never seemed particularly apologetic and it never sat well with me that she wouldn't try to find out why I didn't show.

I think these appointments are more important to us than they are to Ts, and I think they need to realize this and respect our need for certainty. This was just a pdoc, not a T, and it didn't make me want to get rid of her, but it did take me a bit to get over it.

I think you need to discuss this with your T; it would certainly bother me.

mair

 

Re: I think I need to find a new T

Posted by gardenergirl on February 2, 2005, at 22:02:33

In reply to Re: I think I need to find a new T, posted by mair on February 2, 2005, at 21:46:15

This really sounds like an issue with her that she doesn't have a good handle on. I can see a one time mix-up, but if it's continual, I think you should look elsewhere. I remember a trainee I knew of once who occasionally would cancel her clients for what seemed to me to be really trivial reasons. I was appalled. Being on time for sessions is important, too.

My T once double-booked me accidentally. It was awful! I felt so small. He explained what happened, and I understood, but it still was a bad experience. Thank goodness it has not happened again.

I agree with the others. Go with your gut. Or call her out on it and set some very clear boundaries if you feel like giving her one more chance. It sounds like a behavior she needs to improve for her own sake, too.

Sorry you have to deal with it, though.
gg

 

My new T's office

Posted by Susan47 on February 3, 2005, at 3:27:57

In reply to Re: I think I need to find a new T littleone, posted by Lucylooo on February 2, 2005, at 20:42:10

Her space is very cozy yet sophisticated. She has her desk with computer, printer, fax copier behind it. Then beside that a wooden bookcase with glass doors (like I have at home, to protect the books). And up-to-date books ... a white leather love seat, armchairs and coffee table, and I remember noticing a lovely children's corner with toys in it I would've loved as a kid ... nice quality things, nicely organized and the most interesting little sorts of things on the walls, including all her certificates which are numerous ... she frequently attends conferences and she has her own website .. she really inspires confidence... she has a big tin of stones collected from the beach ... she had some really interesting things to touch on the coffee table ... and she has a really comfy cozy way of being. She was reaching inside me within twenty minutes, finding reasons and resources with me ... she didn't waste any time with chit chat ... she invited me to comfortable. I found myself removing my shoes and tucking my feet up and she encouraged me to do that (my old T used to kind of look panicked when I did that ... I remember sitting cross-legged on his couch and him staring at the spot between my legs as though I were provoking him or something ... I mean my gosh I was wearing pants I don't know what his problem was, but it was disconcerting to me that he had to make an uncomfortable point of the way I made myself comfortable...well okay, maybe it is strange to see a woman reaching for fifty sitting cross-legged, but still ...) but K just encouraged me to be myself. At one point I had to imagine a certain reaction in my body, and strangely enough I found myself putting on my shoes and sitting up straight, getting prepared for the reaction, so I think I'm feeling like this is going to work, but tonight I wake up after a few hours' sleep and my shoulders ache with stiffness and my stomach hurts from the Zoloft my GP prescribed today, to try instead of the Prozac which was making me so anxious all the time ... and tonight I phoned my old T and left a message so embarrassing about feeling ashamed for everything I've put myself through, and probably him too, but I probably shouldn't feel responsible for him, should I? I mean, he's the therapist and he should've been able to handle any emotion I had, emotion is his business ... I trust my new T and I know we'll do some good work but I know my money and my extended medical will run out long before I'm ready for it too, once again ...
tonight I had the uncomfortable realization that in ten years' time I'll be reaching for sixty, and sixty is.. well, it's sixty isn't it? 6-0. Then 7-0. Omigod I'm feeling panicked again where is my stone ...

 

Re: I think I need to find a new T partlycloudy

Posted by Dinah on February 3, 2005, at 9:36:20

In reply to I think I need to find a new T, posted by partlycloudy on February 2, 2005, at 20:04:21

I think that if I'd already mentioned that this is a problem and she hasn't improved I'd look for a new one.

She's trying to teach you to be assertive and to think well enough of yourself to know what sort of behavior you think is acceptable in relationship to yourself isn't she? Let her know she succeeded.

 

Although....

Posted by Dinah on February 3, 2005, at 9:38:30

In reply to I think I need to find a new T, posted by partlycloudy on February 2, 2005, at 20:04:21

My therapist has a nasty habit of starting habitually late, usually ten minutes at a minimum. And an even worse habit of trying to finish on time, "catching up" time on me.

He has enough other fine and useful qualities as a therapist that I just make a point of mentioning the time when we sit down, or as he makes a move for his pen and file if he's trying to cut the sessions short.

 

Re: I think I need to find a new T

Posted by sunny10 on February 3, 2005, at 9:50:05

In reply to Re: I think I need to find a new T partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on February 3, 2005, at 9:36:20

This T isn't helping you at all- just making you more anxious and self-doubting.

I really do think you should find a new one who actually respects people.

-sunny10

 

Re: I think I need to find a new T

Posted by partlycloudy on February 3, 2005, at 10:18:14

In reply to Re: I think I need to find a new T, posted by sunny10 on February 3, 2005, at 9:50:05

She tells me what a wonderful, smart person I am and that I have to improve my self esteem. I am *such* a stickler for being on time for everything - work, appointments, flights - I think of it as showing respect for the other party.
This T has said that most of her cases are in-patient. Her paperwork is always terribly disorganized, and she once said to me that she wouldn't be surprised if the practice fired her for it. It didn't inspire confidence in me at all.
I see my p-doc who referred me to her on Monday. I'll ask her for another name, I guess.

Thanks for confirming that gut feeling, everyone.

 

Re: I think I need to find a new T

Posted by sunny10 on February 3, 2005, at 12:03:32

In reply to Re: I think I need to find a new T, posted by partlycloudy on February 3, 2005, at 10:18:14

it IS a sign of respect for others!

You go, girl!!!

 

Absolutely.

Posted by Susan47 on February 3, 2005, at 16:02:08

In reply to Re: I think I need to find a new T, posted by sunny10 on February 3, 2005, at 12:03:32

If this therapist does that to everyone, and you can be sure you're not the only one this happens with, she's hurting a lot of people. You're doing yourself and everyone else a favour by letting the cat out of the bag. I wonder if her partners know already, and are just chicken to handle the problem. Don't you be chicken, too .. you stick up for yourself.

 

On the other hand...

Posted by antigua on February 4, 2005, at 11:39:17

In reply to Absolutely., posted by Susan47 on February 3, 2005, at 16:02:08

Well, here I am to throw a little rain on your parade.

Here's my list:

1. I had rocky road w/my T when we first started, until we settled on our routine. Called her on the wrong numbers and since it was summer only saw her once, or maybe twice, until her humongous 16-wk summer break, followed by weeks off to get her child ready for school (I'm exaggerating) so that I felt very unattended to.

2. My T has physically not been there a few times (less than three, maybe?)that I've arrived when I know my appt was set. She fessed up twice, I think , and the other was my fault.

3. I make mistakes, too. Last week I showed up two hours early for an extra appt., but I swear she was wrong or didn't tell me!! Went back later and told her I'd just STARTED two hours early because I must have felt extra needy.

4. I've showed up and left because I was afraid I was wrong about the time (early in therapy)and didn't want to face her.

5. My T says nobody would use her if they knew how disorganized and scatterbrained she is in real life. I know how bad she is in real life.

6. The first years (10??) I was always absolutely punctual. Couldn't stand to be late, but I always waited anyway when I got there. In the last few years, I don't worry about it so much; I'm much more relaxed, I know I'll get my time when I need it. If I'm super punctual or super late we both know we've got something big going on.

7. She used to drive my crazy because, my God, she was human! She'd get sick or her child would be sick or her car would break down, etc. etc.

8. But she's the most compassionate person in the world. Coming to accept that she was REAL was a very big deal for me. I accept her for who she is because she has proven her worth to me again and again. She's there, usually but not always, when I really need her, but I've learned to accept that too. I'm not "settling" or making excuses for her, I don't think. It's just a healthier relationship this way for me.

I just told her she couldn't die when she went on vacation...

If it's a big deal to you, try to work it out w/her if you see something worth saving. You're strong enough to know the difference now so you don't have to rely on old hurt feelings.

Gee, I wasn't any help, was I?

I was wondering how things were going w/your new T because you've been pretty quiet about this.

Hope all is well otherwise. I'm good for today and very grateful.
best,
antigua

 

Re: On the other hand... antigua

Posted by partlycloudy on February 4, 2005, at 17:35:31

In reply to On the other hand..., posted by antigua on February 4, 2005, at 11:39:17

Well, every time I see her it feels like an initial visit because she doesn't seem to recall what we talked about last time. She talks a lot about her allergies, her disorganisation, how slow the photocopier is in the office.... basically we take a l-o-n-g time getting to talking about how I am doing.
Then by the end of the session, she wants to give me materials to read or questions and workbook exercises to do and bring to the next session. She can never find them. She is always pulling out papers that I have already worked on (so did she look at them?) and she's like, oh well, there's other ones here.
I really feel like she 1. doesn't have time to manager a private clientele, and 2. she has no clue about my case from visit to visit.
So I am going to find someone else whose priorities are more in line with mine.

thanks so much for for your thoughts. this has been bugging me in a big way.

 

Re: On the other hand... partlycloudy

Posted by Susan47 on February 4, 2005, at 19:47:32

In reply to Re: On the other hand... antigua, posted by partlycloudy on February 4, 2005, at 17:35:31

Because she's not my therapist, I can, from the distance imposed and the comfort of my chair, say that she sounds kind of cute.
But she wouldn't be cute at all if she were my therapist. She'd be maddening.

 

Re: On the other hand...

Posted by antigua on February 4, 2005, at 21:28:30

In reply to Re: On the other hand... antigua, posted by partlycloudy on February 4, 2005, at 17:35:31

Sounds like you're making a careful decision not based on emotion (perceive or otherwised) of past hurts. A new T is in order, I guess.
antigua

 

What do you guys think about this?

Posted by partlycloudy on February 7, 2005, at 17:10:11

In reply to I think I need to find a new T, posted by partlycloudy on February 2, 2005, at 20:04:21

Today I had a meltdown at work. Had major anxiety on my way in, very rough weekend visit with my mum whose brother has died (in Wales) and she was concerned about how I am doing so she came to see me first.
I was appalled at my mum's physical condition. Overweight, out of shape, unable to walk without excrutiating pain in her feet (yet she can only tell me her feet are "worn out"). I was greiving with her, concerned about her, and very aware that I was falling apart at the seams since my meds need yet another adjustment.

So there I am at work, crying, unable to do a very basic function of my job. I went in to see my boss's boss - she is the nice one - and explained that my meds are off kilter and I'm worried about mum, etc., etc.

*I did not feel I could call my T and talk or schedule an appointment. We had an appointment set up for today - according to my calendar, and last Monday she had called me thinking *that* was our appointment. At that time she said she had personal committments and couldn't see me on today's date.

So I took another xanax, zoned out at work, panicked when the xanax wore off, then gritted my teeth until the end of the workday, whereupon I cried all the way home, wee, wee, wee, just like the little piggie.

I see my p-doc tomorrow. I am miserable. How much do you share with your p-doc, and will I be ratting out my T if I tell her the circumstances behind my not calling her for help today?

Puzzled, heart weary and ever so sad.
pc

 

Re: What do you guys think about this? partlycloudy

Posted by AuntieMel on February 7, 2005, at 17:32:36

In reply to What do you guys think about this?, posted by partlycloudy on February 7, 2005, at 17:10:11

Since the therapist was recommended by the psychiatrist I think you owe it to him/her to explain why it isn't working.

Then the same mistake can be avoided for someone else.

 

Re: What do you guys think about this? partlycloudy

Posted by Dinah on February 7, 2005, at 19:47:50

In reply to What do you guys think about this?, posted by partlycloudy on February 7, 2005, at 17:10:11

By all means share it with your pdoc. Someone needs to know what's going on, all of it, and your lack of support from your therapist along with your medication woes are factors your pdoc needs to know.

Heck, I'd even tell my pdoc under the same circumstances, and I don't ever tell him anything. There might be medication implications.

 

I'm going to talk to my T tomorrow about it

Posted by partlycloudy on February 9, 2005, at 8:02:28

In reply to Re: What do you guys think about this? partlycloudy, posted by Dinah on February 7, 2005, at 19:47:50

My p-doc wasn't impressed when I told her about my experience with this T and her schedule changings, but agreed that my anxiety is probably making it worse, too. I am going to talk to my T when I see her tomorrow about the implications of missed/changed appointments and how to remedy it. P-doc said if I wasn't satisfied with the outcome she'll help me find a new therapist. In the meantime I don't feel that I have someone reliable to call (tomorrow at 6pm seems so very far off).

I am having a tough time. My blood pressure has been high. Sitting in p-doc's office yesterday, both her nurses and the doctor took my BP. Doctor asked me if I wanted to go to the ER. She is concerned about the risk of stroke. I was kind of relieved (!) to know that the pounding of blood I hear is not ALL anxiety, but I was freaking out, to be sure. When I got home I took a xanax, stretched out on the sofa, and an hour later I was back to 120/80. I took a lavender bath with my husband's encouragement and had an early night's sleep.

So my p-doc had me stop taking the antidepressant I've been on (Cymbalta) which seems to be the cause. I wonder now how long before I lose my job when the real, depressed and anxiety-ridden ME resurfaces. If I don't croak of a stroke before then. I still have my xanax, and the p-doc told me not to hesitate in using it as needed.

 

Re: I'm going to talk to my T tomorrow about it partlycloudy

Posted by gardenergirl on February 9, 2005, at 11:09:46

In reply to I'm going to talk to my T tomorrow about it, posted by partlycloudy on February 9, 2005, at 8:02:28

PC,
I'm sorry things are so poopy right now. It stinks to have your health get wonky when you are already fighting anxiety and depression.

I hope that your conversation with your T goes well.

Hang in there, sweetie.

gg

 

Re: I'm going to talk to my T tomorrow about it partlycloudy

Posted by Dinah on February 10, 2005, at 12:56:32

In reply to I'm going to talk to my T tomorrow about it, posted by partlycloudy on February 9, 2005, at 8:02:28

Ugh. That stinks.

Have you tried other classes of medications, other than antidepressants? Perhaps you could find something to ease the intensity without the blood pressure side effects.


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