Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 396533

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

ULTRA boundries!

Posted by terrics on September 28, 2004, at 20:15:37

Does anyone else have a therapist that has such strong boundries that the only thing she will let you know about her is her name? It is so bad that when she yawned one day and I asked if she was tired she shot back 'haven't you ever seen any one yawn when they were not tired?' I think that question even stepped on her toes. I do not want her life story just something small like maybe she likes cantelope. Something to make her appear more human. terrics

 

Re: ULTRA boundries!

Posted by rubenstein on September 28, 2004, at 20:41:34

In reply to ULTRA boundries!, posted by terrics on September 28, 2004, at 20:15:37

My therapist is not like that at all. I feel so bad for you about the yawning question...did it hurt your feelings, it would have mine...maybe its good to have such boundaries, I don't know. But for me I need to know something about the other person or else I have huge trust issues. So my therapist is a good fit, but I am sure it just depends on whatever makes you feel comfortable.Good luck.,

 

Re: ULTRA boundries!

Posted by Daisym on September 28, 2004, at 21:33:41

In reply to ULTRA boundries!, posted by terrics on September 28, 2004, at 20:15:37

Terrics,

There is a lot of research that suggest that while a therapist should follow up with the standard, "why do you want to know" question, it is OK and even helpful to answer some basic questions. It levels the playing field.

If it were me, I might say, "sometimes I wonder about you, because you tell me virtually nothing. Is there a reason you are so guarded? Or are you afraid I might do something with the information?"

Be prepared with a couple of questions you would like answered...her favorite book, does she ever watch TV, does she like rain, does she have a family...whatever.

Trust goes both ways, you know?

 

Re: ULTRA boundries!

Posted by mair on September 28, 2004, at 22:03:39

In reply to Re: ULTRA boundries!, posted by Daisym on September 28, 2004, at 21:33:41

My T's boundaries are pretty loose and I don't think I'd have reacted well to your T's comment - or, for that matter, to any T whose boundaries were so ULTRA.

I think Daisy's suggestions are good. This is something you might want to put on the table for discussion.

Mair

 

Re: ULTRA boundries!

Posted by LauraG on September 28, 2004, at 22:39:01

In reply to ULTRA boundries!, posted by terrics on September 28, 2004, at 20:15:37

Yep! Mine has ultra boundaries too, and it drives me crazy! Any time I've even tried to ask an even slightly personal question (or not even personal, pretty much any question about her as a therapist) she doesn't answer but turns a question back to me. I've been too afraid to ask anything about her real life b/c I knew I'd feel rejected if she didn't answer. Her home number is unlisted, and if she returns a call and isn't in her office it shows up as a restricted number. Makes me wonder if she's been stalked before. She's a very cute tiny little blonde woman who intimidates the heck out of me!

 

beyond boundaries terrics

Posted by just plain jane on September 28, 2004, at 23:11:12

In reply to ULTRA boundries!, posted by terrics on September 28, 2004, at 20:15:37

This T of yours sounds a bit on the snotty side.

For my money, I'd blow her off and find one who exibits a bit more humanity. Perhaps I'm crazy (ROFL), but I'm thinking Ts are supposed to be trying to help us communicate better with others and within our own selves.

Also, a T who intimidates probably is not a good choice.

IMO
just plain jane

 

Re: ULTRA boundries! terrics

Posted by ron1953 on September 29, 2004, at 0:16:27

In reply to ULTRA boundries!, posted by terrics on September 28, 2004, at 20:15:37

I'm 51 and have been in therapy on and off since I was 10. I've learned that most shrinks have enormous egos and it doesn't help in the therapeutic process. Some I've met are more screwed up than I am. Also, keep in mind that some of them HAD to finish at or near the end of their class. I never have and never will tolerate condescending behavior from anyone, regardless of title or credentials. My T and I have an adult relationship, we act as a team, and have an open and honest relationship. She's openly shared personal stuff with me when it was pertinent. She listens with respect to my opinions and suggestions, as I do hers. We learn from each other. We're friends. We respect each other. We care. It's genuine. I wouldn't have it any other way.

 

Re: ULTRA boundries! terrics

Posted by Larry Hoover on September 29, 2004, at 6:27:01

In reply to ULTRA boundries!, posted by terrics on September 28, 2004, at 20:15:37

> Does anyone else have a therapist that has such strong boundries that the only thing she will let you know about her is her name? It is so bad that when she yawned one day and I asked if she was tired she shot back 'haven't you ever seen any one yawn when they were not tired?' I think that question even stepped on her toes. I do not want her life story just something small like maybe she likes cantelope. Something to make her appear more human. terrics

Such an experience would make me very uncomfortable, and perhaps permanently so. I think it would poison any opportunity for me to move forward comfortably. That's my gut reaction.

If I was faced with such stringent boundaries, I would be concerned about the therapist's judgment. I would be concerned that they are themselves so poorly confident in their own boundaries that they set the line so high because it's easier to manage that way.

When I don't understand just what my therapist means about managing a challenge that we're talking about, he often uses examples from his own life or from his clinical experience. It humanizes what he wants me to think about. I know he has a wife who had an brain aneurysm, but I don't know anything that would identify her. She had it on 9/11, and I needed him real bad right then, and he wasn't available. It was the best and simplest answer to give me, IMHO. I know he has a patient who struggled with finding suitable work, but that could have been anybody. He hasn't violated anybody's confidentiality. He's giving me applied examples of a new way of thinking.

Someone who makes a big deal out of a yawn, in my opinion, needs therapy. Shouldn't be giving it. Should be getting it.

Lar

 

Re: ULTRA boundries!

Posted by cubic_me on September 29, 2004, at 6:48:54

In reply to Re: ULTRA boundries! terrics, posted by Larry Hoover on September 29, 2004, at 6:27:01

My T has never revealed anything about her personal life (and very little about her proffesional life) in the 2 years I have seen her. I'm not the kind of person to ask people personal questions, so I don't know what her reaction would be. I used to want to know more about her, but now I'm content with the little information I know - if she is there for me in sessions I don't mind whether she is married, lives in a tower block, got bullied as a child etc.

However I am interested in knowing what her particular pychological interests are and what her views on me are, because this may reflect on my therapy.

By the way, we have never discussed her phone policy (and I haven never called).

 

Re: ULTRA boundries!

Posted by terrics on September 29, 2004, at 7:52:36

In reply to Re: ULTRA boundries!, posted by cubic_me on September 29, 2004, at 6:48:54

Thank you all! I did discuss this with her, but did not tell her that all I want is something simple like, 'does she like cantalope, or blue, etc'. I just need something to humanize her.

The general consensus here seems to be that ULTRA boundaries are not good for a therapeutic relationship.

Cubic...Most therapists have unlisted home numbers. They have other ways to reach them in an emergency. terrics

 

therapists' behavior ron1953

Posted by just plain jane on September 29, 2004, at 9:04:14

In reply to Re: ULTRA boundries! terrics, posted by ron1953 on September 29, 2004, at 0:16:27

Excellent, excellent!

It does my being good to hear it so.

Thanks!!

just plain agreeing jane

 

oh, yeah, and... just plain jane

Posted by just plain jane on September 29, 2004, at 9:05:58

In reply to therapists' behavior ron1953, posted by just plain jane on September 29, 2004, at 9:04:14

not only did some of them have to be at the bottom of the academic barrel,
I'd say many of them went into it

for the money.

 

Re: oh, yeah, and...

Posted by morning*bell on September 29, 2004, at 10:12:18

In reply to oh, yeah, and... just plain jane, posted by just plain jane on September 29, 2004, at 9:05:58

My therapist does not have ultra boudaries, and I think I would find it hard to work with her if she did. She often volunteers things about her personal life when they are relavant to what we are talking about. I find it incredibly helpful. Not only does it humanize her, it allows me to know she perhaps understands what I am going through, or can relate to me. This is incredible important to me. I would love to ask some questions about past professional experience, and I know she would probably answer any question I had (within reason) without any qualms at all, but I don't want to be intrusive. I'm working on that though.

I'm lucky, she a great therapist. And I feel by her trusting me with this information, it strengthens our relationship.

morning*bell

 

Re: ULTRA boundries!

Posted by Susan47 on September 29, 2004, at 10:16:27

In reply to Re: ULTRA boundries! terrics, posted by ron1953 on September 29, 2004, at 0:16:27

You are so right.

 

Re: ULTRA boundries!

Posted by gardenergirl on September 29, 2004, at 11:28:17

In reply to Re: ULTRA boundries! terrics, posted by Larry Hoover on September 29, 2004, at 6:27:01

I agree with Lar. I think her response was just plain b!tchy, and inappropriate. Perhaps she is burned out or perhaps she should not be working with the groups that she does...

Sorry terrics. I wish you had a more validating T.

gg

 

different kinds of therapy terrics

Posted by shortelise on September 29, 2004, at 12:12:57

In reply to ULTRA boundries!, posted by terrics on September 28, 2004, at 20:15:37

Mine isn't like that at all, and I honestly don't think I'd have been able to do therapy with someone who uses those methods. It's all about keeping the therapist out of your way, and maybe it has to do with ego but I think it has more to do with the style of therapy that T is practicing. I'd be very curious to know what sort it is. Do you know?

It would hurt my feelings terribly if my T said that to me, or if anyone said that - it doesn't sound kind and I need kindness. But my T is more a client centered therapist, I think, and that's all about understanding things from the clients perspective, being supportive and empathetic.

Is it true that in all therapies that the relationship to the therapist is an essential part of the therapy?

I feel slightly intimidated by my T, but not entirely intimidated. Again, I don't think I could be in therapy with a T I was entirely afraid of.

ShortE

 

Re: ULTRA boundries!

Posted by RosieOGrady on September 29, 2004, at 12:51:01

In reply to ULTRA boundries!, posted by terrics on September 28, 2004, at 20:15:37

I had two that I knew nothing about except what I intuited or found out from other patients or the receptionist. I was very young they were older and analysts. I think that is how they were trained. I didn't know any other way was possible. I'm not sure at all they helped me.

I saw a social worker that had no boundaries and we became "girlfriends" talking about clothes and our mothers etc etc and that didn't work out either. It just wasn't possible to be friends one time and switch off and be therapy partners the next. But the friendship was I think a good thing even if it wasn't therapy.

 

Re: oh, yeah, and... just plain jane

Posted by ron1953 on September 29, 2004, at 13:36:32

In reply to oh, yeah, and... just plain jane, posted by just plain jane on September 29, 2004, at 9:05:58

Jane:

I just love the money-making racket of pdocs requiring monthly 15-minute sessions to renew your meds. What a load of crap! My 1st pdoc had that greedy policy, so I dropped him and got my Prozac Rx with refills from my GP.

 

client centered therapists/psychiatrists

Posted by just plain jane on September 29, 2004, at 17:43:10

In reply to Re: oh, yeah, and... just plain jane, posted by ron1953 on September 29, 2004, at 13:36:32

hmmmmmmmmmmm....... (making my best idiotic serious face)

I vould hef to say I sink zat zee client EEZ zee centair of zee sairapee, uzzervise, vy vould zair be zee sairapee?

Vee are not goink to zee sairapee to focus on zee sairapeest or zee zykiatreest now, are vee?

 

Vaht?! ron1953

Posted by just plain jane on September 29, 2004, at 17:45:30

In reply to Re: oh, yeah, and... just plain jane, posted by ron1953 on September 29, 2004, at 13:36:32

Ron,

Vaht en ess-hool zees zykiatreest zounds to be.

 

Re: Vaht?! just plain jane

Posted by ron1953 on September 29, 2004, at 20:28:22

In reply to Vaht?! ron1953, posted by just plain jane on September 29, 2004, at 17:45:30

Jane:

Thanks for the yuks! I love silliness.

Gotta go - IF2P

 

Re: ULTRA boundries! RosieOGrady

Posted by terrics on September 30, 2004, at 6:29:11

In reply to Re: ULTRA boundries!, posted by RosieOGrady on September 29, 2004, at 12:51:01

Hi, My therapist before this one was like yours. We were like friends and shared alot of information. In the end we became friends and now have coffee or lunch or she invites me to her home. I felt better then. Unfortunately I still call her when I am distressed and she always helps. I am afraid to call this new one. terrics

 

Re: different kinds of therapy shortelise

Posted by terrics on September 30, 2004, at 17:56:51

In reply to different kinds of therapy terrics, posted by shortelise on September 29, 2004, at 12:12:57

Hi,You did grab onto something important. She does DBT and only deals with borderlines. However I also have 2 group therapists and they are nothing like her. They are kind and much more open e.g.like where they go on vacation. One of them brought us each a small gift from her last vacation. So I do not think it is just the DBT. Besides being defensive about a yawn is a bit over the edge. I did ask for another therapist from the head of the department, but she said I had to talk to current T. first. I'll let you folks know if I get my transfer. terrics

 

Re: different kinds of therapy terrics

Posted by gardenergirl on September 30, 2004, at 19:37:56

In reply to Re: different kinds of therapy shortelise, posted by terrics on September 30, 2004, at 17:56:51

Good for you for taking action to get what you need. I hope it works out.

gg

 

Re: ULTRA boundries! Larry Hoover

Posted by JenStar on October 1, 2004, at 0:34:35

In reply to Re: ULTRA boundries! terrics, posted by Larry Hoover on September 29, 2004, at 6:27:01

Lar,
I like your reply! I agree absolutely. Well said! :)

Is she a new (just starting out) therapist? I've read that sometimes "newbies" are unsure about how to handle boundaries and some of them make the boundaries too strict, and only later come to realize that it makes for better therapy to let the person show through (because the person shows through regardless! and phoniness or too many walls will drive away clients.)

Of course, this person might just not be the right therapist for you...

JenStar

By the way, I like cantaloupe! :)
(even though I'm not a T)


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