Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 375907

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Wish Me Strength...

Posted by 10derHeart on August 10, 2004, at 6:25:43

I can't believe I'm going to do this, but this afternoon, I have an appt. with the pdoc who replaced my T. (pdoc, too) who moved away 6 weeks ago. Although I've had a few sessions w/another T. (social worker), she is out of town, not to mention we have been at odds and I'd say a poor fit. My old T. arranged her as a transition and support for me as we were terminating. But now, b/c I feel worse each time we talk,and b/c of an issue with something that happened in my last session with him, I have decided to see the female pdoc who replaced him. See, the thing is, she moved into his old office..and she knows I dread trying to step into that room now with her stuff there. I am in the building once a week for group that she leads,and I tolerate it by sheer force of will. I avoid the hallway leading to his (now her)office always. I broke down crying once last month after group when we tried to talk about a f/u appt. with her to check my meds. She (perceptive since she hardly knows me)correctly guessed immediately that going into that office is a terribly sad thought for me. She pushed nothing and said she thinks I know what I need and she would leave it at that for now. She's very caring and I don't dislike her. I just want him back every time I see her. I just still hurt inside about it every day. I thought it would be unecessary suffering to even try to go into his old office so soon (if ever). But now, I have some huge stressful events upcoming, and I am having constant obsessive thoughts about a couple of things, so I emailed her and she agreed to see me today.

I'm scared. What if I can't make it into her office? What if I freak out and have an angry outburst if I do get in there? Maybe this is a bad idea, but I do feel a need for her. My T. always said he had a very positive feeling about her, and in group she is great. that doorway is where he opened his arms and gave me a goodbye that room I opened my heart to him and I wasn't close to done when he had to leave..and I am crying just thinking of this... I'm wondering if we'll ever get to my issues because I may break down and sob about missing him. Hmmm, maybe that is what's supposed to happen,,? Can you all tell I'm a bit conflicted (understatement of the century)? I think I'll go through with it. Please wish me strength...and her too to deal with what may be a massive flood of tears and pain....


Re: Wish Me Strength... 10derHeart

Posted by gardenergirl on August 10, 2004, at 7:13:32

In reply to Wish Me Strength..., posted by 10derHeart on August 10, 2004, at 6:25:43

I do wish you strength, but you already have it. I can tell because you were able to open up to your former T, which is not easy to do. This appt. may be very difficult, but it sounds like the pdoc is very caring and understanding. If you cry or scream or whatever, those are genuine feelings, so just feel what you feel. I'm sure she can handle it. Perhaps in time, when you have had a chance to work through some of the pain of the early ending to your last therapy relationship (not counting the transitional person), you will find comfort and security in that room as you once did.

Take care and good luck.



Re: Wish Me Strength... gardenergirl

Posted by 10derHeart on August 10, 2004, at 12:56:28

In reply to Re: Wish Me Strength... 10derHeart, posted by gardenergirl on August 10, 2004, at 7:13:32

Thanks, gg. Your posts are always so supportive and cut to the heart of things. I was just venting this morning, I guess. I'm going to see her shortly. Just worn down by the mood swings some days. Ironically, today is former T's birthday. weird, huh? I am doing really well, mostly, aside from the ache I feel as I try to making peace w/not having him in my life. And that is thanks to him, all you amazing posters and you own strength. I feel a bit better. thanks again. 10DH


Great to hear that...hope it goes well! (nm) 10derHeart

Posted by gardenergirl on August 10, 2004, at 14:15:25

In reply to Re: Wish Me Strength... gardenergirl, posted by 10derHeart on August 10, 2004, at 12:56:28


Re: Wish Me Strength...

Posted by daisym on August 10, 2004, at 23:53:37

In reply to Re: Wish Me Strength... gardenergirl, posted by 10derHeart on August 10, 2004, at 12:56:28

You really touched me with your description of how you feel. I hear your sadness. But you are strong because you are facing it. Maybe returning will be bitter sweet but a good way to remember all the wonderful things about your old T.

Please let us know how it goes. I've been thinking about you today.


Re: Wish Me Strength...

Posted by 10derHeart on August 11, 2004, at 21:25:36

In reply to Wish Me Strength..., posted by 10derHeart on August 10, 2004, at 6:25:43

It really wasn't so bad. Maybe a case of imagination running wild at what I *thought" would happen. I felt nervous, weird, as I'm not used to new pdoc's voice, mannnerisms, etc. I did miss that flow in the room with old T. - we'd gotten so in tune and comfortable - there's nothing quite like that intimacy <sigh> But, her newness and adapting to it was just distracting enough. She redecorated a lot, which helped. I also sort of never looked anywhere but at her and down at my lap. Didn't want to start recalling his bookcases and his pictures, etc. It's hard to describe. She listened and gave me good feedback to help me deal with transitional T. when she returns. I cried a few times - but they were angry tears explaining the odd stuff this social worker has said and how her abrupt, challenging manner hurts me right now.

The whole time seemed a bit unreal. I'm not so sure what happened. Having a very stressful week, but vacation in sight along with other good things. Wished my old T. happy birthday in my head about 20 times yesterday. At least, I'll bet if I could tell him what I've managed to do do far, he'd be happy and proud. He has the *best* smile when he feels that way about an insight or progress of any kind. And (long separate story for a later post)...there is a chance when sw returns, she will finally get me old T's mailing address I've been not-very-patiently waiting to have (his promise to me) for a I can write him and THAT will feel right. (<oh, sorry - awful rhyming pun!) Kind of beautiful how bright spots can jump out at you in the midst of confusion, struggle and pain.

I'm still processing all this. It's a lot for me, but then nothing compared to what many of you live through daily. Thank you Daisy and GG - there's not really anyone irl that *gets* these issues like you guys :) Take care.

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