Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 375137

Shown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

new to babble

Posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 17:56:00

This is my first post, but I've been reading for a while now. I just moved far away and I am here all alone and I feel very abandoned by my old therapist. I have scheduled an appointment with a new therapist, but I will not meet with her for another week and a half. I'm not sure I will even talk to the new therapist b/c I feel bad for finally opening up and trusting my old therapist and now I feel like she never really cared and that I was really stupid to trust her in the first place. I am not really sure why I have decided to post now, I guess I am just really lonely.

 

Re: new to babble lonelygal

Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2004, at 18:10:09

In reply to new to babble, posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 17:56:00

Hello and welcome.

I imagine it's hard to move somewhere and not know anyone. The great thing about the internet is that we can take these friends with us. :)

Would you like to share a bit more about why you feel like your old therapist didn't really care? I worry about that myself from time to time. Just the other day he was asking if I was afraid I had hurt his feelings, and I snapped back a knee-jerk "I know I haven't the power to hurt your feelings." without really even thinking about it. The therapy relationship is a hard one because it's so different than other relationships.

 

Re: new to babble

Posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 19:07:21

In reply to Re: new to babble lonelygal, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2004, at 18:10:09

I just feel so unsatisfied with how everything ended I guess. We didn't really have a proper termination, I was calling her freaking out up until the night before I left and then the day I got here she left a voicemail saying that she would no longer be able to talk to me. Of course I called her and said it so wasn't fair and she told me her reasons that she thought it was unethical for her to talk to me now that I wasn't her patient & i called a few more times out of desperation and i guess she was understandably ticked off with me.

 

Re: new to babble lonelygal

Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2004, at 19:42:26

In reply to Re: new to babble, posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 19:07:21

Ahh, ok, yes I understand. Termination that is abrupt and not in the ordinary course of events is terribly painful. And naturally you would need your therapist even more than usual under the stress of the move.

Some therapists might be willing to engage in phone therapy with their former clients for the normal fee for a while. Others might not. There may be licensing concerns if she lives in a different licensing jurisdiction. And then, maybe she feels that she's not good at phone therapy. My therapist is *awful* at phone therapy, and I'm guessing it would be unethical for him to engage in it for any length of time. :) So he is understandably reluctant to do it.

She might be annoyed with you, but perhaps she's just frustrated that therapy ended in a way that wasn't helpful to you. If I were a therapist, I think I would find that distressing. And the distress might come out as frustration or even anger. But I think I'd still understand *why* the client was upset. I'd just be frustrated by my inability to help.

How long had you been seeing her? How long did you have between when you realized you were going to move and when you did move?

 

Re: new to babble lonelygal

Posted by Aphrodite on August 7, 2004, at 19:57:54

In reply to new to babble, posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 17:56:00

Welcome! You'll find this to be a great place to break the isolation you're feeling. So many people here understand what you're going through. I'm sorry you've had such a difficult termination. I hope your new therapist brings much healing. Please post to us how it goes, and we'll cheer you along.

 

Re: new to babble

Posted by Susan47 on August 7, 2004, at 20:14:53

In reply to Re: new to babble lonelygal, posted by Aphrodite on August 7, 2004, at 19:57:54

Hi lonelygal,
I'm having a terrible time terminating and I'm feeling really abandoned. I don't want to put any trust in anyone new right now and it really really hurts. Just commiserating, I hope you do better soon. We're here.

 

Re: new to babble Dinah

Posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 21:31:39

In reply to Re: new to babble lonelygal, posted by Dinah on August 7, 2004, at 19:42:26

Thanks Dinah for replying. I never really thought about it that she may have been frustrated with how my termination was going. When I called her after being told not to call, she seemed really upset and with a raised voice that i would classify as almost yelling was telling me that she couldn't talk to me anymore that i needed to call 911 or go to an emergency room if i thought of hurting myself and that's all she could do and basically hung up on me and i was crying and crying (and i had never allowed myself to cry in therapy ever- that's like one of my biggest fears). I felt like she was way angry that I didn't listen to her and called anyways, but everything is so confusing- my first words when i talked to her in that conversation were i've tried really really hard not to call you and that was very true, i was so upset and didn't know what to do. I feel like she must be mad at me, but then I think like you said, I dont' have the power to make her feel anything, that this relationship was sort of fake, but regardless I regret sharing a lot of things with her that I hadn't shared with anyone else b/c i feel like it didnt' matter to her & that i'm still all alone and nothing has changed. i dont' know everything is really confused in my head right now and its been a week since i've moved and whereas for the past few days i've been crying and crying and super emotional now i'm just sort of going numb and not feeling anything at all.
oh, and i knew for two months that i was leaving, but i was upset about other situations so that we never really addressed my moving. and i had been seeing her for a year and it was my first time in therapy.

 

Re: new to babble Aphrodite

Posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 21:33:40

In reply to Re: new to babble lonelygal, posted by Aphrodite on August 7, 2004, at 19:57:54

Thanks Aphrodite. Yeah, I've read this board in the past and was very surprised to see how caring everybody was for each other.

 

Re: new to babble Susan47

Posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 21:35:59

In reply to Re: new to babble, posted by Susan47 on August 7, 2004, at 20:14:53

Hi Susan, I'm sorry you are in a similar situation. It really really sucks I know. I hope you feel better too.

 

Re: new to babble lonelygal

Posted by mair on August 7, 2004, at 22:15:08

In reply to Re: new to babble Dinah, posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 21:31:39

Welcome - I think it's horrible that you were never really able to process the termination. I once had a therapist whom I really terminated after getting pretty angry, only sort of. I kept seeing him because he was also my pdoc, and I'd see him periodically when things got bad, but it really wasn't ever the same again, and we never really talked about how or why I had gotten so angry and stopped seeing him on a regular basis. My current therapist thinks it was pretty a big mistake on his part not to do more to help me process why I cut him off. I think terminations are so complicated and confusing, and it probably works best when you have a therapist who can really acknowledge what a big deal it is to end these kinds of relationships.

Did you feel that you were making progress when you were seeing her?

Mair

 

Re: new to babble lonelygal

Posted by Dinah on August 7, 2004, at 22:22:05

In reply to Re: new to babble Dinah, posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 21:31:39

Ouch. I can see why you're upset. I'd like to think my therapist would handle the same situation better, but I'm somehow guessing he wouldn't. I think he would refer me to call an emergency service. I hope that the reason would be that that was the best he could offer me, given the distance.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. :(

 

Re: new to babble lonelygal

Posted by 10derHeart on August 7, 2004, at 23:29:41

In reply to new to babble, posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 17:56:00

Hi - so sorry you have to live through this. These kinds of threads really touch me these days - I soooo feel for you as I had to terminate 5 weeks ago (T. moved away)and it's pretty awful. But we planned for 6 months and at least tried to work through some of the feelings. But I'm still left confused and wondering and alone. New T's are okay, but something terribly important and unique is gone - in your case seems like sort of in a wrenching, not-so-gentle way. Ouch, it must feel so bad. Do let yourself cry as hard as you want, though. It's a normal release, even if (at least for me) it's a bit scary it's so intense. Try, if you can, to talk to someone about the feelings a little bit every day. It'll help some, I think. So many wonderful people are here for you. I hope you keep posting. ((((lonelygal))) -- 10derHeart

 

Re: new to babble

Posted by 10derHeart on August 7, 2004, at 23:36:05

In reply to Re: new to babble lonelygal, posted by 10derHeart on August 7, 2004, at 23:29:41


oh, and....you are surely NOT stupid for trusting your therapist. That is exactly what they are there for, and what you both ought to want. Definitely understand the doubts afterwards, I am having some issues like that, too. But, I know you are far from stupid - just so brave for opening up. My T. used to tell me of the huge majority of people who never would/could (come for 1-2 visits, then disappear), and that he worried for them. Anyway, please take care to use kinder labels for yourself...you deserve them :)

 

Re: new to babble

Posted by gardenergirl on August 8, 2004, at 0:23:41

In reply to Re: new to babble, posted by 10derHeart on August 7, 2004, at 23:36:05

Welcome lonelygal,
You know we had a poster here who started as "rainyday" and she is not "partlycloudy" and a lovely person. Perhaps in time we will see a "not so lonely gal"? I hope that you find Babble to be a safe and helpful place. I know I have. I should let you know that I am training to be a T, and I also am in therapy myself. Just in case some of my posts sound "T-like".

I can tell you from recent experience in training, though, that terminations when they are not naturally occuring, that is when they are abrupt or for some extenuating circumstance rather than because it is the right time to end therapy are hard for the T's too. At the end of my placement at the training site this summer I had to terminate or transfer all of my clients. Some I had seen for the whole year and had been transferred to me from someone else. Others I had seen less. A couple I had just gotten started with. So then telling them, "uh, I'm finished here on such and such a date, so at some point we need to plan for transferring you" was really hard. If I were the client, I would be wondering why bother to get started in the first place? And I might think that all the work I'd put in and trust I'd put in the therapist was for nothing...that now I'd have to start all over from the beginning again. Those feelings are perfectly normal. I was frustrated by stopping in the middle, too. I wanted to know how things turned out! I wanted to keep helping. I missed the clients too.

I guess I would just encourage you to talk about your feelings about this with a new T. This actually may be a safe place to start, as it's about your prior therapy relationship and not just about you yet. In addition, your new T can and should ask you for permission to get a copy of your records from your old T. This can be very helpful in the transition.

At any rate, I'm sorry it is so painful for you. Moving to a new place is stressful, too, so of course this may feel like a shaky time. And who would you call in a shaky time? Your T. I hope your new T is caring, trustworthy, a good fit, and helpful. Please remember that if it's not a good fit, there are other therapists out there. Sometimes it takes a bit of trial and error.

Okay, I've rambled on and on. Please take care and welcome to Babble.

gg

 

Re: new to babble

Posted by lonelygal on August 8, 2004, at 10:10:19

In reply to new to babble, posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 17:56:00

Today is a very bad day. I am all alone, I hate where I'm living, I miss my friends, I feel like I'm the most stupid girl ever, and I hate that I've gained about 10 pounds over the past few months and that I'm so fat and that my face is breaking out. I used to cut myself on occasion in the past and although I keep thinking about it now, I feel like that won't even put a dent in any of my problems or make me feel better at all.

 

Re: new to babble mair

Posted by lonelygal on August 8, 2004, at 10:12:20

In reply to Re: new to babble lonelygal, posted by mair on August 7, 2004, at 22:15:08

Hi Mair. Thanks for the welcome. Umm, yes I guess I was starting to trust her so I guess that was progress, but oh well now.

 

Re: new to babble

Posted by lonelygal on August 8, 2004, at 10:16:09

In reply to new to babble, posted by lonelygal on August 7, 2004, at 17:56:00

Thanks Dinah, 10derHeart and gardenergirl for posting. I really dont' know what else to say.

 

Hi lonelygal

Posted by Susan47 on August 8, 2004, at 16:19:10

In reply to Re: new to babble, posted by lonelygal on August 8, 2004, at 10:16:09

Please don't be so hard on yourself. Your therapist was a jerk. You're not responsible for that, you do know that, right? Maybe she's doing it on purpose, maybe she's playing a game in order to get you to go to Emerg. Maybe she knows you really really need more help than she can give; maybe she's feeling inadequate (!). Although if she is, she should really get help with that. LOL.

 

Re: Hi lonelygal Susan47

Posted by lonelygal on August 8, 2004, at 17:28:39

In reply to Hi lonelygal, posted by Susan47 on August 8, 2004, at 16:19:10

Hi Susan. You made me laugh a little bit, but I really don't think my old therapist was trying to be a jerk. I think that she meant more to me than I do to her (obviously) and that I'm so sad b/c I know that I dont' matter to her or that noone in my real life knows the whole truth on how I feel sometimes and that once again I am all alone, although I never was exactly comfortable with her while I was seeing her anyways (always felt a little vulnerable b/c she knew too much). what can she really do since i decided to move? i guess just the whole situation of my leaving really brought out the inequality in the relationship. i know that i grew very dependent on her towards the end (which is weird b/c in the beginning of therapy i would always profess that i don't need anyone and that the idea of that scared me), but anyways i think i was too much for her or anyone for that matter to handle. I dunno. whatever.

 

Re: Hi lonelygal

Posted by woolav on August 9, 2004, at 9:18:43

In reply to Re: Hi lonelygal Susan47, posted by lonelygal on August 8, 2004, at 17:28:39

Hi, I see a pdoc, but am thinking about seeing a T also. But, it kind of makes me nervous that I would get attached or whatever then move or switch insurance companys..I never thought of that. I moved to another state almost 2 yrs ago, and had to switch pdocs. I didnt like my new one at all at first. But she is okay now. She doesnt seem to care about me like my last one. (my prev pdoc, was so wonderful, she gave me the courage to leave a really bad marriage) but my new doc just asks me how i feel with my meds and thats all. oh well...I hope you find happiness lonelygal and find a new T that does care!!
S

 

Re: Hi lonelygal

Posted by Pfinstegg on August 9, 2004, at 16:11:55

In reply to Re: Hi lonelygal Susan47, posted by lonelygal on August 8, 2004, at 17:28:39

I see the whole thing somewhat differently. Leaving aside the extreme pain of separating from a therapist much before you were ready, it seems to me that you made an important change for the good during your time with your previous T.: you changed from feeling you didn't need anyone to feeling how much you DID need her- that's healthy! (pain aside) What you have been feeling is entirely usual and normal for everyone in therapy, and it's kind of a pre-condition for making real changes inside yourself- I hate to see you feeling that you are "too much" for a therapist, and beating yourself up about it. You aren't- you're just like the rest of us


I know you have an appointment with a new therapist- would it be helpful to you to interview several, and find out which one you feel the most *at home* with? It's a tremendously important, long-term relationship, and the better *fit* you get, the happier you'll be with the whole process.

 

Re: Hi lonelygal

Posted by lonelygal on August 12, 2004, at 17:14:01

In reply to Re: Hi lonelygal, posted by Pfinstegg on August 9, 2004, at 16:11:55

thanks woolav and pfinstegg for replying to me.
i'm just so sad. i want my old therapist back, or i at least want her to talk to me :( . i feel like she must hate me, or worse, not care at all.


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