Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 365276

Shown: posts 1 to 25 of 26. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

suicidal thought remorse?

Posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 9:40:48

Saturday, i came very close to drowning in pills. Obviously i didn't, but now i feel even worse. I think about how right now family would be planning my funeral, that in a few days they would be standing over my useless body and i see how they would be feeling- and it rips my gut apart thinking about that, this is kinda good right? i mean to see the pain i would cause others can deter me from acting on such thoughts.
but i feel 1,000 times lower than pond scum now. maybe it's part because i 'failed' at what i had planned to do. I'm also thinking about how i work with people with disabilities ("real problems") and i feel disgusted with myself because they are fighting for life every step of the way and here i am with my "issues" and can't seem to have a day go by that i'm not considering some way 'out'.
Have any of you experienced this? any suggestions on getting out of this Wicked loop that keeps tearing me further and further down?

i also am angry with my T (althought honestly i'm not quite sure why) i'm just feeling anger every time i think of him, and have decided i'll finish up july and then terminate. I think i'm mad because i just couldn't handle going to therapy and managing my life at the same time. i've got work and school and my husband to worry about, that's enough right now. Any problems i thought i had can just wait. i've made a concious decision to push everything else down. it was pretty easy. and i feel a lot stronger now. all my "issues" are no longer "so pathetically 'important'". i have the attitude to just stand tall and push on. and it's working quite well. so i'm ready to stay here.
-i'm sure that last part was more than anyone cared to know but for some reason i felt i needed to say it. kind of confirming i guess.

thanks.
b2c.

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica

Posted by ghost on July 12, 2004, at 11:52:05

In reply to suicidal thought remorse?, posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 9:40:48

i don't think you failed. i think you succeeded-- at living. and for that, i'm glad.

it's a terrible road to travel, especially alone. i have faith in you, though. i know you can do it. you have people who love you and care about you and who are pulling for you. i'm glad you didn't drown in pills, because i like when you post here. i think we'd be great friends if we knew each other irl. i think we're already pretty close to that, even though i've not been around much lately. i'll be back soon though, and i'll post more. but just know that i'm thinking of you and i'm glad you're here. i'm glad you're *still* here.


take good care of yourself, and write me if you want or need to-- about anything or nothing at all.

hugs,
ghost

at autoneurotic dot net

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? (B2chica)

Posted by underthecs on July 12, 2004, at 12:39:18

In reply to suicidal thought remorse?, posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 9:40:48

B2:

it makes me sad that you felt that bad. i know how that pain feels. i'm sorry i don't have any words of wisdom for you. but you're not alone.

 

Re: thank you underthecs. (nm) underthecs

Posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 13:32:46

In reply to Re: suicidal thought remorse? (B2chica), posted by underthecs on July 12, 2004, at 12:39:18

 

Re: thank you underthecs. B2chica

Posted by underthecs on July 12, 2004, at 13:38:36

In reply to Re: thank you underthecs. (nm) underthecs, posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 13:32:46

you can always email me at underthcs at yahoo dot com (underthecs was taken, so don't forget to leave off the "e"). hope you are okay.

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse?

Posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 13:43:39

In reply to Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica, posted by ghost on July 12, 2004, at 11:52:05

i just feel like i'm on this Giant see-saw. one day i'm ready (really ready) to fold it in. and now, i'm ready to fight the world. One day i want to dig deep into my pain and figure it all out, maybe lay it all out on the table. and Now, i think-why? it's just pathetic little problems that NO ONE ever need know about. i've lived this long with them so why mess that up. I tuck it back down and bring up the "super b$itch" that i love so much and she's taken over once again. i really missed her, she protects me. When she's around Nobody can hurt me (including me)-she won't let that happen. She can also fool anyone into believing ANYTHING...i Love it. I guess i feel real comfortable that she's back.

>>but just know that i'm thinking of you and i'm glad you're here. i'm glad you're *still* here.

i'm glad someone is.(& that's not a pity party you hear, super-b@tch won't let that happen!) but thank you Ghost.

> take good care of yourself, and write me if you want or need to-- about anything or nothing at all.

i might just take you up on that sometime.
thanks.
-say, are you home yet? or still 'trippin'?

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica

Posted by 64bowtie on July 12, 2004, at 16:31:48

In reply to suicidal thought remorse?, posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 9:40:48

>>>....maybe it's part because i 'failed' at what i had planned to do.

<<<Would you be more able to accept failure as a possibilty if I told you that I have failed, and I'm still here? I've failed at many obligations and expectations as a child. Later, I have failed in school, in several careers, in love, in marriage(s), in parenting, in common sense, and in two retail businesses I've owned. I'm still here.

It never seems to get better or worse. It just gets different.

Perhaps I feel I'm on borrowed time and I wanna see how much I can get away with?!?.

I'm also curious, alot!

Rod

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? 64bowtie

Posted by B2chica on July 13, 2004, at 9:05:42

In reply to Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica, posted by 64bowtie on July 12, 2004, at 16:31:48

> >>>....maybe it's part because i 'failed' at what i had planned to do.
>
> <<<Would you be more able to accept failure as a possibilty if I told you that I have failed, and I'm still here?... It never seems to get better or worse. It just gets different.

Thanks Rod, actually yes. i think you have a great outlook.
-i too feel like i'm on borrowed time. And it seems my 'personality' (though not DID) has changed and "super b$tch is back. I'm curious and don't give a flying #@$% what others think. in fact i'm a cutter and since i've switched i don't have any desire to cut except last night but it was because i was curious so i did a little and Man it HURT. i never usually feel the pain but that's the wimpy crybaby b2c. and Now I'M back. i'm strong, and i'm ready to kick A@#. and i'm gonna do Whatever I can get away with!!! it's liberating isn't it!!!
Thank you thank you for the kind words and encouragement.
I love your posts.

"ready to fight the world" B2C.



> Perhaps I feel I'm on borrowed time and I wanna see how much I can get away with?!?.
> I'm also curious, alot!
> Rod

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? --- Thanky B2chica

Posted by 64bowtie on July 15, 2004, at 5:12:03

In reply to Re: suicidal thought remorse? 64bowtie, posted by B2chica on July 13, 2004, at 9:05:42

B2c,

Boy does that feel good to hear... My hope is that what I say can make a difference in a life somewhere... Could that be you and your life??? I hope so...

Did you know kids don't have a good handle on beauty??? Adults can, and guess what, that's what we are, adults. OK, so what happens when we make a project outta looking for beautiful stuff??? One thing is, as humans we are keen observers... So we get better at knowing what is beautiful and what is ugly... For example, hate is ugly, violence is ugly, etc... Looking for beutiful stuff can start out as a casual-passive endeavor, so no one can blackmail you with the "bad-press" crap that we always seem to get from detractors... Just seek beauty! Stay curious!

What happens??? You start noticing the beauty in people around you that you might have thought hated you... Beauty always feels so good to be around...

Tell me what you think...

Rod

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica

Posted by cubic_me on July 15, 2004, at 8:19:10

In reply to suicidal thought remorse?, posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 9:40:48

Hey B2c, I'm back...

It's a strange time, those hours and days after you have planned to kill yourself, or nearly completed it - any only those who are unfortunate enough to have been through it can truely know what it feels like.

It can be scary thinking about how the world would have reacted to your death, and it is good that not wanting your family to go through that is part of what is keeping you alive. But there must be something else that stopped you taking the pills, something more, something inside you. You might not know what it is, but some tiny part of you wants to live - try to hold on to that.

I'm here to talk whenever, or email at feelingfaded at yahoo dot co dot uk

cubic x

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? cubic_me

Posted by B2chica on July 15, 2004, at 10:43:23

In reply to Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica, posted by cubic_me on July 15, 2004, at 8:19:10

My gosh CM, i've been missing you...where ya been?
are you ok?
-i had a switch last week and mania popped in (aka: super b@tch). Man i hate that. it takes all my effort just to monitor what i say. the bad part is anymore if it does pop up it's a "nice" hypomania for about two days then look out. i become dysphoric very quickly, i become SO beligerant and intolerable. and it's like i get the shakes cuz i can't control what's going on inside my mind/body. boy, i wish i was one of those few that LOVE my hypomania. but i HATE IT!! but on the other hand, i guess this is where i am thankful for being bipolar cuz i know i will eventually change the mood :)
-good news is that i've only cut once in the last week and 1/2, but i've been doing a lot of food restriction and yes...(this is kinda descriptive) but taking lots of ex-lax.
i guess i just traded one for the other.
-Good news is that i saw my GP this morning...man i just LOVE him. he's the best. and i talked with him for about a 1/2 hour, and did tell him about the switch in mood and switch in self-harm- and spent some time talking about how i'm supposed to open up to my T, and how to tell him that i have SO many more issues. I wish my GP WAS my T. (then again i guess he kinda is cuz i was telling him so much- i think i tell him more in 15 min than i do several sessions with my T.) i guess it's just that darn trust issue coming up. -i've seen the same GP for 8 years and truly TRUST him. (and i rarely say that about ANYONE!)

-ok, enough of my drama. i want to know how you are doing? are things ok?
i REALLY DO care about you A LOT and want to keep in touch with you and know you're alright!
waiting to hear.

btw, are you switching names from cubic me to cubic x? (or am i showing my ignorance and it's some mathematical term?....)
love,
b2c.

> Hey B2c, I'm back...
> cubic x

 

Re: suicidal remorse? -Thanky--welky 64bowtie

Posted by B2chica on July 15, 2004, at 10:55:18

In reply to Re: suicidal thought remorse? --- Thanky B2chica, posted by 64bowtie on July 15, 2004, at 5:12:03

you're an interesting one 64. you have some really "to the point" responses that just make sense. i always appreciate any response you give me.
and yes...you have made a difference not just in my life but i've seen it in MANY people you've responded to here. You are able to put into words things i would like to say but can't seem to get together.

-what if i don't wanna be an "adult" bleuck! ;^)

-ok, i guess i am though...boy, never thought i'd admit to that. this is such a great insight Rod. and BOY are you right, Beauty is Always a gift to be around. i truly believe that my gift is with art. though i don't think i'm naturally talented with my sketches or paintings, i feel my gift is passive. that i can truly see and Appreciate those things that are beautiful. sometimes i look just at the clouds in the sky and literally cannot take my eyes off of them and breathe deep and say, "my god i feel so lucky just to see this. it is incredible."
i always hoped (and Still Do) that when i die, i hope that i can help make clouds. make the patterns in the sky, the color, the clouds, the shapes and size. sometimes it's just enough to make a person awe struck.
-and to stay curious? i wouldn't live life Any other way!!! i am almost dangerously curious (hehe) and it can just really bug some people...but of course that makes me want to do it even more :)

-one problem i have is seeing the ugly, i do see it. however i sometimes during depression get caught in a loop of uglyness and gradually tend to focus more and more on my own uglyness.

Great insight. your on a very good path my man. keep following your heart.

B2c.

>>One thing is, as humans we are keen observers... So we get better at knowing what is beautiful and what is ugly... For example, hate is ugly, violence is ugly, etc... Looking for beutiful stuff can start out as a casual-passive endeavor, so no one can blackmail you with the "bad-press" crap that we always seem to get from detractors... Just seek beauty! Stay curious!
.. Beauty always feels so good to be around...
> Tell me what you think...
> Rod

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica

Posted by TexasChic on July 15, 2004, at 11:56:50

In reply to suicidal thought remorse?, posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 9:40:48

I think you're being entirely too hard on yourself. What makes you think your issues aren't as real as those people with physical disabilities? I know we've talked about how we don't like to call our problems an 'illness', but I do consider it a disability. Does that make sense? I don't know if I can explain why I feel that way. Its just that for us, things are more difficult, the same as people with physical disabilities, only our difficulties aren't visible. I don't think that makes them any less real just different. You feel what you feel, there's a reason for it and you shouldn't be ashamed. Its what makes you human. Its what makes you compassionate. Its part of who you are. I'm really glad you didn't go through with the pills, but I can certainly understand the urge. You're not alone. I hope you'll continue to fight the fight, and I'll do the same.

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? TexasChic

Posted by B2chica on July 15, 2004, at 15:11:44

In reply to Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica, posted by TexasChic on July 15, 2004, at 11:56:50

Hey TexasChica!
haven't heard from you in a while. it's nice to talk to you.

>>What makes you think your issues aren't as real as those people with physical disabilities?

-this is something i struggle with a LOT. the other day i saw a client that is 23 and had a brain stem stroke and is mostly locked-in (meaning he's cognitively intact but has virtually no way to communicate-has some eye movement)on a vent.
then we work largely with persons diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's disease-terminal) very VERY difficult to deal with.
i see these persons with such a determination to fight every step of the way. sometimes it encourages me (kinda rubs off on me) but other times it makes me feel SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much worse about myself.

i guess maybe it's petty but, you are right, and i think sometimes i just need to hear that. you know how you can tell yourself something 100 times and still not believe it but when someone else says it once you can????

>>I'm really glad you didn't go through with the pills, but I can certainly understand the urge. You're not alone. I hope you'll continue to fight the fight, and I'll do the same.

Now this encourages me. it seems like i've had a lot of "waves" lately. i'm ok for the moment but in an hour or two i could be depressed again. like that and first thing i do is stare at my pills. I just got refills yesterday and even though my pdoc suggested i stop taking the sleeping pills i got a refill. not cuz i was ready to take them all, but a sort of "just in case". thinking about the reasoning scares me a bit cuz i was for the most part feeling level not depressed, yet i still purchased them with that specific in mind??? i hope i'm not heading down that road just yet. i'm just very tired and need a break for a while from all these emotions.
My husband wants us to go camping tomorrow night (one night) i finally agreed. Maybe a night away from everything will help?

And i really like you saying that you'll hang in there if i do. this Actually gives me a reason to think twice.
Thank you for your support TC.
B2c.

 

hey B2c

Posted by cubic_me on July 16, 2004, at 5:59:21

In reply to Re: suicidal thought remorse? cubic_me, posted by B2chica on July 15, 2004, at 10:43:23

I've been away on vacation for 3 weeks. It was a good break, but I really missed everyone here, and its great to be able to talk to you again.

I've been doing ok. Had a great holiday, especially the first 2 weeks, but it dragged on a bit after that. I was missing my boyfriend and was tired of putting on the happy face 24/7. It has meant that I've put more effort into not cutting ( wearing a bikini and having fresh cuts don't go well together...), I haven't cut for 3 weeks now - yay!

How have you been recently? I've followed this post, but haven't read everything else - I've missed so much that there just isn't time!

the x after my name was meant to be a kiss (though writing it down like that makes it seem sexual when it absulutely isn't!!!)

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica

Posted by gardenergirl on July 16, 2004, at 7:21:43

In reply to suicidal thought remorse?, posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 9:40:48

> i mean to see the pain i would cause others can deter me from acting on such thoughts.

I think you are right about this. Hang onto this if suicidal feelings come back. And I am glad you are okay.
> but i feel 1,000 times lower than pond scum now. maybe it's part because i 'failed' at what i had planned to do. I'm also thinking about how i work with people with disabilities ("real problems") and i feel disgusted with myself because they are fighting for life every step of the way and here i am with my "issues" and can't seem to have a day go by that i'm not considering some way 'out'.

B2C, first, let me say that I admire you for working with people with disabilities. I know it takes a special, patient heart. But please remember that serious mental illness is also disabling. You don't just have "issues". That's society talking. That's the stigma of mental illness. You have pain. Real pain. Just because you can't point to a spot on your body that is the source doesn't make it any less real.

> I think i'm mad because i just couldn't handle going to therapy and managing my life at the same time. i've got work and school and my husband to worry about, that's enough right now. Any problems i thought i had can just wait. i've made a concious decision to push everything else down. it was pretty easy. and i feel a lot stronger now. all my "issues" are no longer "so pathetically 'important'". i have the attitude to just stand tall and push on. and it's working quite well. so i'm ready to stay here.

I'm glad you are working towards feeling stronger. You certainly have a lot on your plate. I notice that with everything you have responsibility for, you don't list yourself as being a high priority. I know that often we can overcome negative feelings by focusing on doing rather than thinking. I think that is what you are saying...kind of just suck it up and get going? But I am concerned that this is a time, more than ever, when you need to focus on you.

Perhaps that seems selfish? Or impossible with your other obligations? I know there was a profound moment that came in therapy with me when I was trying to schedule my next appt. I was kind of thinking aloud about my week while looking at my schedule. I was concerned that I needed to leave my usual appt. time open because of issues with a couple of clients, work obligations, etc. My T said, "GG, this hour is YOUR hour. You're not seeing that. It's not an hour IF you have time. This is YOUR time. It should be sacred for you." I was stunned. But it was very validating, and made me realize that I often sacrifice my own wellness for the sake of others. You know what they say on the airplane...put your own oxygen mask on first, before trying to help others. I think this is a good metaphor for life. You've got to have adequate support and strength for yourself, before you can give to others.

Just my 2 cents. I'm worried about you. Can you talk with your T about your anger and feelings of failure? Maybe therapy needs to shift a bit to focus on how you can keep all those balls in the air. I can certainly relate, being married, going to school, working. It takes a lot out of you.

(((B2C)))

Take care,
gg

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica

Posted by TexasChic on July 16, 2004, at 8:57:09

In reply to Re: suicidal thought remorse? TexasChic, posted by B2chica on July 15, 2004, at 15:11:44

Hi! You probably haven't heard from me because I usually post on Social. But I wander over here from time to time too.

I know what you mean about telling yourself something over and over, but not believing it until someone else says it. I do that all the time. Maybe we have to be at least one step removed in order to see a situation clearly.

I was thinking about what you said about having the sleeping pills 'just in case'. I'm by no means an expert in phscholgy (I can't even spell it right), but to me that makes a weird kind of sense. It probably calms some of the anxiety to know they're there. Kind of like if you keep a candy bar in the freezer when you're trying to loose weight. You know its there, so the craving doesn't seem as bad. But since its frozen, you would have to wait a bit before you could eat it which gives you time to think (I know that's a bad analogy, but the only one I could think of). I was wondering if you might could do that with your pills. Like maybe put them in a safety deposit box or bury them in the backyard or something. That way you know they're there, but you have to put out a little more effort to get them, which would give you time to think and maybe keep you from acting on impulsively.

Anyway, I just wanted to through that out there. I hope you're having a good day.

 

Re: hey B2c cubic_me

Posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 9:35:48

In reply to hey B2c, posted by cubic_me on July 16, 2004, at 5:59:21

it makes me feel good when people here go on vacation. 1)it shows me that sometimes we all need to just try to get away from it all. and 2)that maybe i can live vicariously through you??? :)

man o man, Congrats on the 3 weeks with no cuts! it's been almost that long for me too, except i've been restricting a bit. but hey, no cuts for a while is good news for me. I agree with the fresh cuts and bikini not a match. I'm kinda disappointed that i can't ware any flipflops or anything cuz my ankle is Terribly scarred. so i have to do the long sock thing. but i guess that's the trade off huh?

how am i? it comes and goes. heck, this bipolar thing is nothing compared to the therapy. (only somwhat sarcastic) but i did have a great breakthrough july 2. i Finally told my t something that happened to me when i was 16. it was Very difficult but my body gave me no choice, it was making me physically sick it was so close to the surface. but i'm glad i did. however, i have many more...but that's another day right?

-heck sometimes i'll just miss a couple of days here at babble and i feel like i've been gone for months. there's no way to "catch-up". but so you know with me, right now the therapy is what's making my life difficult that's why i really spend most of my timee here in PB-psy.

>>the x after my name was meant to be a kiss (though writing it down like that makes it seem sexual when it absulutely isn't!!!)

awe, sweetie. that's so nice. and don't worry, i know what you mean. right back attcha!

Really glad you are back. Sounds like you had a very nice getaway! and i've just Got to say CONGRATS again for the 3 weeks with no new cuts. Speaking from experience that's a H@ll of an accomplishments!!

talk to you soon.
b2c.

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? TexasChic

Posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 9:42:06

In reply to Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica, posted by TexasChic on July 16, 2004, at 8:57:09

hi tc. actually this is an excellent analogy. it does relax me a bit, just like when i look around (wherever i'm at) to find a sharp object, no to cut, but to know that i can if i need to. it does ease the tension/anxiety.
-and i think it is a good idea for me to put my pills someplace else, cuz sometimes i get an urge but i try to make sure i go to my bed first and turn on music, once i'm there and if i'm in that state its often hard for me to even get off my bed let alone go into another room.

thanks TC.
b2c.

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse? gardenergirl

Posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 9:50:27

In reply to Re: suicidal thought remorse? B2chica, posted by gardenergirl on July 16, 2004, at 7:21:43

you know, i guess i never thought of it like that. it IS societal stigma of not a "real" pain.
-wow, kinda makes me feel little like an idiot. not sure what kinda glasses i had on but you are right about this.

>>Just because you can't point to a spot on your body that is the source doesn't make it any less real.

-and after talking with my GP yesterday, i've realized that even though i want to, and think i should. i can't quit therapy, and Do infact need to address the issues and NOT pack them all down forever. -did i mention that i LOVE my GP and will do absolutely ANYTHING he tells me to do? :^P

-i made a list of things to talk to my T about next tues, and the anger i felt was one. i just hope i can keep who i am at this moment long enough to go to session like this. usually i'm either really depressed, scared or manic/dysphoric. so we'll see who comes out to play next tues?

And Thank you GG. i can NEVER get enough hugs.
Thanks!
b2c.


 

Re: hey B2c B2chica

Posted by cubic_me on July 16, 2004, at 10:52:19

In reply to Re: hey B2c cubic_me, posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 9:35:48

It's just kinda come over me how good it feels to be back here. Like I've come home again.

Thanks for the congrats on the three weeks, it was more out of neccessity than willpower. I really really do want to cut, but now I've stopped this long it seems such a big step to go back again.

> I'm kinda disappointed that i can't ware any flipflops or anything cuz my ankle is Terribly scarred. so i have to do the long sock thing. but i guess that's the trade off huh?

I guess it is. But it's not like we want to feel like we have to cut our bodies up, we don't want the scars and the difficult questions. I know that life isn't fair, but when it gets to summer, it gets even more unfair for us. For a while last winter I look to wearing over the knee stripey socks under my jeans so that even if the legs slipped up, no-one would see the cuts. Now I tend to cut in places that are easier to hide.

Mega well done on how long you've gone without cutting, that's fantastic. I know you've been subsituting it sometimes with other things, but as long as you can keep it under some form of contol then that's got to be good. Keep me updated on how you are going, maybe we can try to get through this together?

> i Finally told my t something that happened to me when i was 16. it was Very difficult but my body gave me no choice, it was making me physically sick it was so close to the surface. but i'm glad i did. however, i have many more...but that's another day right?

It sounds like a great first step, however hard it is. It sounds like it's something that had to come out and be processed sometime, and whenever that time was, it was always going to be hard. I'm with you all the way. If you ever want to talk in private, my email is feelingfaded at hotmail dot co dot uk

hugs for (((((((((b2c))))))))))

 

Re: hey B2c cubic_me

Posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 11:40:52

In reply to Re: hey B2c B2chica, posted by cubic_me on July 16, 2004, at 10:52:19

that's cuz you ARE home! and i missed ya!

>>Mega well done on how long you've gone without cutting, that's fantastic. I know you've been subsituting it sometimes with other things, but as long as you can keep it under some form of contol then that's got to be good.

this makes me feel good, thank you CM. cuz i do feel like it is a difference. a slight step in the right direction. most wouldn't but you understand.
thank you.

>>Keep me updated on how you are going, maybe we can try to get through this together?

You Got IT!

>>hugs for (((((((((b2c))))))))))
WOW, your hugs are SO Great! you just make me feel so good. i was a little nervous about this weekend (lots of social interaction- NOT my strong point) but with this kind of support-your sending me off with good hope and good feelings!

THANK YOU CM.
b2c.

 

(((b2c)))(((b2c)))(((b2c)))(((b2c)))(((b2c))) B2chica

Posted by 64bowtie on July 16, 2004, at 11:47:03

In reply to Re: suicidal thought remorse? gardenergirl, posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 9:50:27

>>> And Thank you GG. i can NEVER get enough hugs.
> Thanks!
> b2c.
>

<<< Well, let me help with that one...

Rod

 

Re: hugs/acceptance 64bowtie

Posted by B2chica on July 16, 2004, at 12:08:17

In reply to (((b2c)))(((b2c)))(((b2c)))(((b2c)))(((b2c))) B2chica, posted by 64bowtie on July 16, 2004, at 11:47:03

Rod, i think i love you.
i NEVER expected this! you have Absolutely MADE my week!
you're such a sweetie and i hope you don't mind but i think i'm going to print this one off and keep it with me when i go to my T sessions. I just always feel like i wish i had a friend with me, (yet not)you know what i mean. to have support, knowing that no matter what i say i'm still accepted and worth caring about. and this is IT.
-if you never say another thing to me as long as i live i will NEVER forget this. Seriously. it just seems like i always have to beg for hugs from people (IRL). and that just makes me feel like a mega looser.

i've only really once (well twice with babble) been totally accepted for who i really am. and with all this going on with me, my vulnerability is really starting to show through. i'm needy and i'm starting to admit it. i just want to be loved and accepted for who i really am, is that Really so much to ask? you know, actually cared about with no strings attached? the non-judgemental kind.
-You've just given it to me.

Rod from deep within my heart, thank you.
...you'll just never know...
(with tears in my eyes) b2c.


> <<< Well, let me help with that one...
> Rod

 

Re: suicidal thought remorse?

Posted by shadows721 on July 18, 2004, at 2:49:24

In reply to suicidal thought remorse?, posted by B2chica on July 12, 2004, at 9:40:48

B2,

I have had suicidal thoughts all my life. Some how, I keep hoping for a better day. I am too afraid of not breathing. Even though, there are times when I felt I didn't care anymore at all about anything. When I get like this, I sleep a lot or I force myself to get help. I take my meds, journal, go to therapy and paint my pain onto a canvas. I have no easy answers. I swear that depression is like a brutal invisible enemy that at times gets just too much to carry. Something in me is a fighter and doesn't want me to die. They kick in and say "Shadows, take it easy. Why don't you read a book or try that new soda or dessert. Why don't you just lay down and cry wrap yourself in a blanket shut the light out and come out when this feeling passes?" I have heard that depression comes from not wanting to feel painful emotions. I don't know if that's true or not. But, sometimes, we do just need to cry, force ourselves to eat some something, feed some ducks and just curl up under comfortable sheets until the winds of the storm pass. When the storm dies down, we must prepare ourselves and have comforting things around us for the next storm like, a mini water fall or a mini zen garden.


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