Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 364446

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Talk about lousy timing...

Posted by Racer on July 9, 2004, at 14:30:25

So, my withdrawal is giving way, which is a mixed blessing, but today was the day that marriage counseling just ripped me to pieces. My husband brought up some things that really made him angry with me -- all perfectly reasonable, and all things that I agree were thoughtless of me and will try to avoid in future -- and our MC did try to show him where they're coming from in me (overwhelming anxiety, mostly), and I even *want* him to talk about those things, because I feel as if he's holding so much of it back and it's poisoning his love for me. The timing stinks a lot, though. The last couple of days, as my emotions have been coming back, I've been having so much trouble just getting through the day and this happening when the morning was already going badly for me was enough to trigger the kind of break-down crying that always scares me so much. (And, the kind of crying that I do suppress as much as I can. Just too awful, and I can't function afterwards.)

(Oh, yeah, and today was a day when I had to leave the house alone, too, after the session, so triply horrifying for me to lose control that way. And it came on top of a lot of self-criticism for compulsive eating and laziness. {{sigh}} Can anyone add something to that which might have made it even worse? I'm sure there's a lot that could have been involved to make it worse, but it's hard to think of what it might be right now. Except maybe that he's decided to apply for citizenship in order to join the Republican Party...)

Can anyone just join me with examples of bad timing in therapy? Or just offer some sort of comfort? Tell me what you've done to ease the distress that this sort of thing leaves?

Thanks. (And while I'm very, very low right now, and do have the suicidal ideation going, I made a solemn promise to Shar not to act on it without her consent. As well as a promise of a similar nature to both my husband and our MC. I am safe, just very, very self-loathing and miserable.)

 

Re: Talk about lousy timing... Racer

Posted by daisym on July 9, 2004, at 15:34:43

In reply to Talk about lousy timing..., posted by Racer on July 9, 2004, at 14:30:25

Racer,

Ok, just for you. Really personal, really funny and really sad.

After months of working with my past abuse memories and bad dreams, in one session it finally came out that yes, I had been raped. (ouch, hate that word.) I was a complete wreck. It came out because I had a major, my first ever, flashback during sex. This was just before Valentine's Day.

At this same time, my husband's illnesses had gotten worse and they were trying all kinds of new medications. Which caused all kinds of other problems.

So I come home from this really hard therapy session and he comes home from the MD and says...are you ready? "Well, the good news is he gave me some viagra to try, you know, for Valentine's Day..."

I can laugh now.

Timing IS everything. You will be OK. Your husband still loves you (even if he becomes a republican). We are here for you. You are brave and strong. Don't be too hard on yourself. You probably needed to let some of this out.

 

Re: Talk about lousy timing...

Posted by shadows721 on July 9, 2004, at 19:45:45

In reply to Talk about lousy timing..., posted by Racer on July 9, 2004, at 14:30:25

Racer,

I am really sorry you are having a really rough time. Maybe, it's time to give yourself mini retreats from this. Can you just go to a bookstore or go to a park for a bit? I think the timing is saying, "You need time for you." Try and replace the compulsive behaviors with something good for you like - hot tea, rent a movie, exercise tape, write in a journal, etc. Treat yourself as a good friend would.

 

Re: Talk about lousy timing... daisym

Posted by gardenergirl on July 10, 2004, at 9:01:27

In reply to Re: Talk about lousy timing... Racer, posted by daisym on July 9, 2004, at 15:34:43

Oh Daisy,
That is just priceless!
gg

 

Re: Talk about lousy timing... Racer

Posted by gardenergirl on July 10, 2004, at 9:11:47

In reply to Talk about lousy timing..., posted by Racer on July 9, 2004, at 14:30:25

Racer,

My T caught me attempting (and failing) to do a great deal of bootstrapping this week. I was feeling really really down on myself for not getting anything done. I mean nothing. I would get up, eat, watch some TV or surf the internet, eat lunch, nap, watch some more TV, and finally get ready for my hubby to come home. There is plenty here I need to do (insert "D" word here), so even though this is "summer break", I am not on vacation. The more days that went by like this, the more self-loathing I felt, wondering why I was such a lazy slug. I even got mad at myself for my insomnia, because I blamed my behaviors for getting my sleep out of whack.

Now let's look at this clinically: insomnia increased? check. No interest in things that are usually pleasant (gardening, reading)? check. Feeling worthless? check. Feeling helpless/hopeless and overwhelmed? check. Eating behaviors changed? check (yeah, I've been bingeing at times.) Feeling paralyzed? check. Low mood? check. I could go on, but hmmmmm. What does this look like to you and to the rest of the world who knows even the slightest bit about depression? I'M DEPRESSED! Now I have this strong urge to type "duh! You are such a dope". Which also fits in...negative thoughts.

Now here's my bad timing thing. In order to deal with the insomnia, I just DECREASED my AD! LOL. We'll just have to see how THAT affects my depression.

My point in going on and on about me is this. Please don't beat yourself up for what you are stuggling with right now. It is not YOU, it is the disorder. No bootstrapping allowed. Not that doesn't mean that you don't have to do anything to get better. But would a diabetic beat themselves up for needing insulin? (Wait, my hubby did that for awhile, bad example. :)

And if your hubby decides to become a citizen in order to join the Republican party we have two options the way I see it. First, we can look at him as infiltrating the party in order to get the Democrats insider information. Second, we can lock him in a room and play him video of Shrub smirking 24/7 until he revokes his membership.

Take care!

gg

 

My solution to the Republican thing gardenergirl

Posted by Racer on July 10, 2004, at 13:46:02

In reply to Re: Talk about lousy timing... Racer, posted by gardenergirl on July 10, 2004, at 9:11:47

Duct tape. Good for a multitude of ills....

('Sides, no chance he'd consider the 'Pubs. He's not a classic Democrat, in that they seem to close to the 'Pubs, but he's like me: since there are really only the two viable options, he'll go for the lesser of the two evils. And support the indies as he can -- just not if it means offering indirect support to the nasties.)

I think you've really hit on something, though: it's not so much that I don't know what I'm trying to avoid. I know that the depression is getting worse, it's just that I can't stand the thought of going back into it. Yeah, I guess it is bootstrapping, in that I'm working very, very hard to force myself to keep moving so that it can't take me -- even though I know that doesn't work -- but the alternative just seems so awful, and part of my negative self-talk *is* the whole "well, you knew you were getting depressed, and you knew that if you kept working harder and harder you could outrun it a while longer, but you didn't because you don't really want to get well -- you're weak and you're lazy and you just want to wallow in it because it allows you to avoid working." (Trust me, I'm *good* at self-abuse like that -- that's only a small sample of it.) I also know that when the depression strikes, the state of my environment affects it a lot. The more this place looks like a tornado hit it (and why can't that damned tornado sweep away the cobwebs, too?), the worse I feel and the harder it is to do *anything* at all. At least if I can get some of the worst of it under control before I give in to the depression, I won't have quite as much of that part to deal with. Problem is, as my energy gets sucked away by the depression, it's harder and harder to keep doing those things and that gives me more ammunition to beat myself up with, which feeds the depression, which saps my energy even more -- in other words, it's a vicious circle. And it *is* vicious.

On top of all the particularly personal pressures, of course, there's the fact that my husband has hardly had a wife at all for over a year now -- and he is torn between worry that he'll come home to find me dead by my own hand, and that hopeful focus on all the signs that I'm "better" now. He is shocked and upset by every sign that I'm not better -- probably more so than last year, really, since he thinks it's a simple case of 'get treatment, get better, straight line' recovery. Sorry, Bud, not that easy. All the things he's done to improve things for us, and I reciprocate by getting worse again? That brings guilt into the equation, too.

Oh, man, and it's getting worse by the hour the last day or two. What a rotten way to spend a life. (Of course, I'm reading "The Working Poor" right now, so that's also affecting my mood. A lot of what the people in the book are experiencing hits home pretty hard, since I *know* that with adequate medical care -- including adequate psychiatric care -- I'd really and truly *be* recovering long before now. That frustration is pretty overwhelming. At least I'm able to read again, and at least once this is done I've got a "fun" read: "The Eyre Affair" which NikkiT recommended on the Books board. That might help a bit, since it's an alternate reality sort of thing, and literary. First paragraph is a fictional excerpt by a writer called Millon DeFloss, so you know it'll be a fun read with a lot of those "find-a-reference" games on every page. I do forget how much what I read affects my moods. Somehow, though, "Bushwhacked" didn't bother me the same way -- maybe because I could see the easy solution: Kerry! Kerry! Kerry!)

Ms GG, thank you very much for what you wrote. I always laugh a little when you apologize for bringing your own situation into it, because often that's the *most* valuable response for me! Seeing that I'm not alone, an illustration involving someone else so that I can see it from the outside, just the fact that you and others (DaisyM) care enough about me to offer a glimpse of your own personal struggles -- all those things help more than I can express. ALWAYS offer personal stories to me -- and stop apologizing! You know as well as I do that what you're offering has a great deal of value, so there's no need to apologize for giving me -- or anyone else -- such a gift. It's the highest form of selflessness, not the obverse.

Thank you.

 

Re: Talk about lousy timing... Racer

Posted by 64bowtie on July 11, 2004, at 3:18:10

In reply to Talk about lousy timing..., posted by Racer on July 9, 2004, at 14:30:25

Racer,

Does your MC have any suggestions on what self-respect looks like and how to improve it? Self-esteem is toooo loosy-goosy for many people to get a hold of as a practice...

Self-respect is a cornerstone of adulthood, so your MC might be able to get you on track of practicing self-respect instead of all that practice you do for that self-loathing you refered to... I am refering to a replacement of time-spent practicing for your life as an adult, not just a replacement behavior to occupy your awake time...

You can do it... I did, in 1988 or so...

Rod

 

Please don't post to me (nm) 64bowtie

Posted by Racer on July 11, 2004, at 10:07:59

In reply to Re: Talk about lousy timing... Racer, posted by 64bowtie on July 11, 2004, at 3:18:10

 

Re: Talk about lousy timing... Racer

Posted by partlycloudy on July 11, 2004, at 12:44:30

In reply to Talk about lousy timing..., posted by Racer on July 9, 2004, at 14:30:25

Racer, timing really is everything. I went for marriage counselling with my ex when we were past the point of no return - at least for me.

If you're in a vulnerable place and you've got an MC session in the middle of it, I would have a hard time making it productive. When I'm down on myself I hear negative messages in everything, from all people, escpeially those trying to help.

You have been through such a hard time of it. Please be kind to yourself.
((((Racer)))

 

Re: Talk about lousy timing... Racer

Posted by AuntieMel on July 12, 2004, at 11:07:05

In reply to Talk about lousy timing..., posted by Racer on July 9, 2004, at 14:30:25

Example of lousy timing:

I was seeing my therapist for about a year, just getting to the point of being able to really talk (serious trust issues) when I went to a session, ready to get crackin'. I noticed it seemed a bit strained, and he looked preocupied. When I asked him what was up, he asked me if I thought I might be better off with someone else.

Gasp! Horrors! Start over?? Of course all the immediate thoughts were that I was doing something wrong and he didn't like me and he wanted to get rid of me and and and....

When I could finally spead I asked 'why do you ask?' and he said something about not thinking he was doing me any good and he felt like he was failing (hey, doc, that's my department)

The next week I finally got up the nerve to tell him how bad that simple question made me feel.

Now - one suggestion - when I was in the lowest part trying to struggle back up I was having trouble getting anything done, too. The family was lucky if I showered. So I started making lists of 'things to do' each morning. The goals for the day. When I started it, the list maybe had one or two small things on it, but it gradually (very gradually) increased as soon as I felt comfortable enough.


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