Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 333092

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feeling abandoned worried LONG

Posted by Joslynn on April 5, 2004, at 20:21:16

Still no call from pdoc (who has does therapy with me 1x a month and used to see my every day during severe episode of D).

To review, I had to reschedule, left two msgs in about 10 days timespan that I had to resched, no call back, called a few days later, got him in person in his office he said he would call back (that was 11 days ago). Sent a note with check reminding him about need to reschedule, he probably got that Thursday I am guessing.

Still no call back.

Maybe he is on vacation, I know it is spring break period for schools (he has kids). I remember him saying he wouldn't be around Easter wknd, that makes sense.

But does that mean he is not around at all this week either? Or last week? But he was around when I called about

Did my check bounce? (No chance.) Is he mad at my for something I said that I can't remember? Is he sick in the hospital? Did someone in his family die? Is he going through a divorce? Did he have a nervous breakdown himself? Is he mad at the other person I referred whom he occasionally sees and he is taking it out on me? Does he know I have abandonment issues and this is his way of trying to bring them out even further as part of some sick study? Is he hoping I will forget that he is my doctor? Is this his way of terminating me?

Does he have every intention of calling back to reschedule, just keeps forgetting out of absent-mindedness? Did he reschedule me in another slot and forgot to tell ME this information? Am I just such a speck, such a tiny little insignificant dust mote of a person that I simply do not register? Is it me, is this normal not to return calls about scheduling for a long time and I am oversensitive? I know I cannot treat customers that way at my job. Is he dead?

I do not know, and he does not care that I do not know, that I am wondering, worrying. He does not care. He does not put two and two together that his behavior is bringing out the male abandonment issues that he is well aware of, which we have discussed.

Ok, I rented a funny movie, I am going to watch the funny movie now.

I could call his billing person during her hours and ask her if she can at least confirm if he is alive or dead. It has come to that.

Or he does care and there is some rational explanation...what if he is sick? He is middle aged, what if he had a heart attack or something? But he seems healthy, normal weight, doesn't smoke.

But when you think men are sick or something happened to make them not call, usually they are just blowing you off because they don't care.

But I pay him to care for me, he is a caregiver, and he used to care, two years of caring and now he doesn't, what did I do wrong? Why the silence? I am confused and humiliated.

Did I do something wrong am I in trouble I don't understand? Is he mad at me? Why is he shunning me, what did I do wrong?

I feel sad, why did I do wrong.

Ok, cannot let this get me depressed, he is supposed to help me with my depression not trigger it, cannot get depressed.

When I imagine myself calling him and saying I am changing doctors because I feel like he is terminating me without telling me, I feel sick that I would throw it all away. But I feel like he is throwing me away too. Or does he think that this is a normal professional way to behave? Is he punishing me in some subconscious way for changing the appointment?

I am so confused. Ok, end of rant.


Re: feeling abandoned worried LONG Joslynn

Posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 20:52:41

In reply to feeling abandoned worried LONG, posted by Joslynn on April 5, 2004, at 20:21:16

Aww I am so sorry I feel abandoned and my T IS on vacation as you know...I would drive over there during business hours if I were you I am a bit of a loon but thats what I would do to see IF he IS in...He may have taken the whole week it IS the spring break week AND my T took it too....Doesnt he have a answering service, a referrinf PDOC on call, or a receptionist you can feel out for info? ITS NOT you....We just need to find out where he is....I bet with my T on vacation :(



Re: feeling abandoned worried LONG

Posted by gardenergirl on April 5, 2004, at 21:26:16

In reply to Re: feeling abandoned worried LONG Joslynn, posted by Fallen4myT on April 5, 2004, at 20:52:41

I think all of those worries make sense when you haven't heard back from someone with whom you have an existing relationship. The most important thing to remember is that it is NOT your fault. It definitely sounds like it is on his end.

If you haven't tried this already, how about if you call and leave a message saying since you have not heard back you plan on coming in at such and such a time and date. That places the responsibility on him to call you to say not to come in if he is booked. If no call, then show up as planned. It's risky in that you may have to go in and find that he is with someone else, but you may finally get a response.

Or you can leave him a choice of three dates/times that work for you and ask him to call you back by 5:00 the next day to choose one or to give you an alternative.

Good luck. How frustrating this must be!



Re: feeling abandoned worried LONG

Posted by Joslynn on April 5, 2004, at 22:31:56

In reply to Re: feeling abandoned worried LONG, posted by gardenergirl on April 5, 2004, at 21:26:16

Thanks for the responses Gardnergirl and Fallen.

He does not have a receptionist, I think that's the root of a lot of his problems. He does all his scheduling himself. He does have a part-time biling person who comes in a few times a week.

There is no answering service. He has office voicemail and a pager for real emergencies. As far as I know, there isn't another pdoc in charge. He works with other pdocs but I do not know their names or how to reach them. If I did have an emergency, I don't know what I would do, I guess then I would page him and he would call back, but I want to save that for real emergencies, like a bad drug reaction or someone I know died, not this.

I did give him options for times in previous msgs.

I keep thinking he is punishing me by ignoring me. That doesn't even make sense as a transference thing, because I usually didn't get ignored, I would get yelled at or my mom would get yelled at because of me. I don't remember getting the silent treatment, I yearned for silence in my house! That was my prayer, for peace and quiet, no drinking or yelling anymore.

Someone I know very well has an appointment with him the wknd after next, so at least I will know from that person if he is alive or dead.

This is just so strange. He doesn't usually tell patients when he is on vacation because he is afraid of being robbed, because he has home address on stuff. Personally, I think that's a bit paranoid, and if he is that worried, he should just use his business address for everything.

I just think he is treating me in a thoughtless and rude manner, but one of my friends thought I was overreacting. And even my therapist said, "It's not a crisis, he'll call back."

I think it's rude, and to realize that someone who supposedly cares about you can treat you rudely, thoughlessly, as if you are just a stranger, when you are in a therapeutic relationship with that person...well, it makes no sense to me.

I have calmed down about it, but it makes no sense, he is not the person I thought he was and that hurts more than anything.

I have these fantasies of getting another pdoc and having that person calling him and saying, by the way can you transfer me your files on J, I am her new doctor now. I am taking over her care. She is no longer your patient.

Or I could just disappear, poof, but he would ask the other person who sees him about me. He would at least be able to ascertain if I am alive, which is more than I am able to do about him.

I don't want to go there in person, I feel like that would be stooping to a low, desperate level. Yeah ok I feel low and desperate, but I don't want to announce that to him, the patients in the waiting room, the other pdocs hanging around, etc.

Oh, I just remembered the name of the other doctor in his practice, it just came to me. But I don't want to call him either.

I think I have had it with men to be perfectly honest. My pdoc was one of the few men who I have trusted all this time with all these feelings and now he is ignoring me and I don't know why.


Re: feeling abandoned worried LONG

Posted by Joslynn on April 5, 2004, at 22:52:40

In reply to Re: feeling abandoned worried LONG, posted by Joslynn on April 5, 2004, at 22:31:56

It's not about the appointment. It's not about the scrip. Those things are practicalities, and yes I will miss seeing him if he skips over me this month.

It's the feeling of being abandoned and forgotten that hurts. Especially from him. He was the one who helped me so much when I felt hurt by life and now he is abandoning me and I don't know why. I can't even get my pdoc to stick by me and care about me. What is wrong with me that I attract men who don't care about me? Doctors, fathers, boyfriends, the importnat ones always hurt me. What did I do wrong, why am I so insignifcant, that is where I get confused.

I should just die my hair blond and get a killer body and walk all over them with my high-heeld boots. These boots were made for walking. No man leaves me, I leave them.

All I wanted was one simple return phone call rescheduling an appointment. I left my first message telling him I had to reschedule around March 17. I cannot imagine what excuse he could have for not making a simple return phone call. He didn't even have to call me back in person, he could have just left a date and time on my machine, if I am so unpleasant to talk to.

I'm telling you, the high heels, the blond hair, maybe a fast convertible car, and screech on out of there. Ok, I can't afford the car, but I have high heels and my hair is almost blond. Just the help of a little peroxide and maybe then I will get acknowledged? Is that the secret?

I will do what it takes not to feel left, vulnerable and abandoned, I am sick of it.


Re: feeling abandoned worried LONG Joslynn

Posted by Fallen4myT on April 6, 2004, at 13:27:03

In reply to Re: feeling abandoned worried LONG, posted by Joslynn on April 5, 2004, at 22:52:40

I know the feeling sometimes I can be with a hubby and still am abandoned within his silence and lack of concern and companionship. I am a strawberry blonde..its long I have boots, decent body and a sports car...sun roof not a convertable and it still doesnt matter IT IS NOT YOU ..IT IS HIM....
Now you know, I can be rather pushy to get what I want but...I would call his ER number...sure he may be on vacation but as he IS a doctor and should be responsible to his clients I WOULD use that number and just say...hey its been weeks I was thinking you werent getting my messages then that tosses the ball in his court..Oh my and noooo peroxide...makes hair too dry :) Use the number and get some answers, guess is he is on vacation and only checks that er number...Get youreself out of misery. I know I do that stuff cause waiting on someone who has proven to not be dependable ...well it makes me more I call to stop it and save ME..Let us know???


Re: feeling abandoned worried LONG

Posted by joslynn on April 6, 2004, at 15:02:36

In reply to Re: feeling abandoned worried LONG Joslynn, posted by Fallen4myT on April 6, 2004, at 13:27:03

I figured out that his town has spring break, and he has kids, so most likely he is in Disneyworld or something. So I definitely think he is on vacation this week. However, that doesn't explain his lack of a return call the other weeks.

I think his billing person will be in mid week and I can call to make sure she got my last check and also ask if he is away.

Assuming he ever does reschedule, I am going to talk about how his casual attitude about routine calls makes me feel, It's not something I think I can express on the phone.

I am disappointed. I feel like an oversite, But he has been so good to me in so many ways, I keep hoping there will be a reasonable explanation and frutiful discussion that comes out of all this.

I refuse to leave any more msgs on his machine, that is my new resolution. April keeps filling up with other work and social stuff. Gee, maybe it will just get too full for me to see him, doctors aren't the only people who are busy.

It just hurts to realize he couldn't even take 15 seconds to at least leave a msg on my machine saying, I got your msg about rescheduling and that should be fine, but I won't be able to give you a new time for a couple weeks because I'll be traveling, I'll call when I return,

He doesn't even have to dial an area code for me! So that is five seconds to punch buttons on phone, 10 secs to leave msg. 15 seconds,

Well, I have to be strong and not leave some pathetic weepy msg asking if he is dead/resigning me etc.

If he doesn't call by Tues or so of next week, I am going to leave one last msg saying that if he doesn't call back, I will start looking for new docs, since I will assume he no longer has time for me as evidenced by him not responding to my 4 calls and one note,

Thanks for the response.


ugh, now this makes me feel ill

Posted by joslynn on April 7, 2004, at 11:35:52

In reply to Re: feeling abandoned worried LONG, posted by joslynn on April 6, 2004, at 15:02:36

Ugh. Found out from someone else that he is in the office! Not overseas, not in family crisis, not buried under rubble, but in the office, no rational explanation for why he has not called back.

I left ANOTHER msg, polite but obviously with a note of irritation in my voice, not my usual friendly overaccommodating ignored self.

I repeated the situation of why I had to resched, explained that I have work mtgs and other things pending on my schedule that I cannot schedule yet until we set a time. (It's true, I have things I need to do for my business and other job that are floating up in the air because I am not sure what holes to leave for the app! I have been trying to reschdule since threee weeks ago, when I first left a msg w/ him about this.)

I also said that I will run out of meds end of this month. Left two numbers, do not know what else to do.

I was polite about it, but if he has any perception at all he will realize, uh oh, better call J back on this, since I have put her calling her back for three weeks.

You know, other people have jobs and commitments too, not just docs and therps! I have my own clients to meet and to help. And unlike me, they would not put up with being ignored for three weeks.

I do not know if I can get over this hurt unless I get an apology and an explanation. It just makes me feel physically ill. I thought he was very fond of me, and now it seems that he does not even feel the most common form of professional respect or courtesy.

I cannot believe I was so wrong about him...


Re: ugh, now this makes me feel ill joslynn

Posted by Fallen4myT on April 7, 2004, at 12:07:03

In reply to ugh, now this makes me feel ill, posted by joslynn on April 7, 2004, at 11:35:52

:*( I would be VERY hurt and mad as heck..I still hope you JUST SHOW UP....that will force a confrontaion and get you some answers..I take it he has been nice up until now? I hope you get an answer fast cause I would be a teary mess...So sorry. Please for YOU forget the calls and GO IN PERSON you may end up with a good explaination or fire him after he writes a script....I am very sory for you mostly cause this is a mess :(


Re: ugh, now this makes me feel ill joslynn

Posted by fallsfall on April 7, 2004, at 21:13:19

In reply to ugh, now this makes me feel ill, posted by joslynn on April 7, 2004, at 11:35:52

You are justified to set a limit - a boundary for yourself. If he hasn't called by a particular time, then I would start researching other pdocs. And I would switch. They are supposed to make us feel better - not worse.

It is time to draw a line in the sand.

Good luck.



Posted by Joslynn on April 7, 2004, at 21:44:40

In reply to Re: ugh, now this makes me feel ill joslynn, posted by fallsfall on April 7, 2004, at 21:13:19

So he finally called me back. He was completely nice and I could tell simply had NO CLUE that I was upset. In fact, he asked, so how are you, what can I do for you? at the beginning of the call, as if I hadn't already left all those msgs telling him my very simple request. In no way was he acting mad at me and I could tell that he was also completely unaware how mad I had been.

I decided not to go into how it made me feel etc during a phone call at the end of the day after we'd both had a long day at work. It's hard to explain why you are upset when the person seems to honestly have no clue that you even are upset.

So I got down to business and rescheduled. I have decided to talk about it at the next session, after I am more rested and have decided what to say. I could have brought it up this evening, since he asked if there was anything else I needed to talk about, but I just couldn't get into it on the phone and I knew I had to calm down.

Thanks for all the posts and supports. I'll let you know what happens at the next session.


Re: update Joslynn

Posted by Fallen4myT on April 7, 2004, at 21:57:41

In reply to update, posted by Joslynn on April 7, 2004, at 21:44:40

So cool now you can have a good weekend and relax...I agree the phone at the end of a night can leave much to be desired for tired people..I am sooo happy all seems good and maybe you will find out he didnt get the calls...sounds like he didnt.. And I was glad to hear he asked on if there was anything else you wanted to talk on.,..HE CARES....WHEW just in time for the holiday weekend...Your heart will be lighter :)


Re: update

Posted by Dinah on April 8, 2004, at 0:47:05

In reply to update, posted by Joslynn on April 7, 2004, at 21:44:40

A very mature and reasonable approach on your side. I'm sure that you'll manage to get across your point while still salvaging the relationship.

Doctors! I think they really do need office personnel - someone with strong organization skills.


Re: update Joslynn

Posted by fallsfall on April 8, 2004, at 7:21:55

In reply to update, posted by Joslynn on April 7, 2004, at 21:44:40

You are handling this wonderfully. He is very lucky to have you as a patient. I'm sure that you will be clear to him in your appointment about what has happened and how it has effected you - you BOTH need that. He needs to know what he is doing that hurts his patients, and you need him to know that you have been hurt.

Strange how it feels better to have our doctors be incompetent, than angry... Hopefully he is only incompetent in the organizational realm, and is quite competent in his skills of Psychiatry.


Re: update Joslynn

Posted by EmmyS on April 8, 2004, at 10:32:25

In reply to update, posted by Joslynn on April 7, 2004, at 21:44:40

J - You definately should be awarded the Badge of Courage & Patience. You were so persistant throughout this ordeal. You did a great job of demanding what you needed. Hugs to you! Emmy


Re: update

Posted by joslynn on April 8, 2004, at 10:45:27

In reply to Re: update Joslynn, posted by EmmyS on April 8, 2004, at 10:32:25

Thanks all!

He is a really good dr and therp who helped pull me out of a very severe depression, so I try to hang in there with the occasional phone mishap on his part. That really is my only complaint, but obviously it upsets me.

I will have to talk to him about it, just come out and ask, how should I communicate these administrative details to him in a way that we can both have a minimum of trouble and stress? Email, fax, just call until he answers and don't bother with msgs, stop by (he works close to me), what? It doesn't matter to me, just as long as I don't feel ignored, like his time is more important than mine.

Thanks for the support.


glad he finally called. (nm) joslynn

Posted by gardenergirl on April 9, 2004, at 1:40:23

In reply to Re: update, posted by joslynn on April 8, 2004, at 10:45:27

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