Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 311297

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Being Heard

Posted by fallsfall on February 9, 2004, at 13:34:37

Therapy has been so hard for me in the last couple of weeks. Immense pain, and frustration, and invalidation. It has been miserable.

This morning was better, though. I'm so glad - I really needed a break. I think that he is starting to understand what I'm trying to tell him. He still maintains (and he's right) that getting what I am asking for wouldn't be good for me. I don't dispute that. But I, at least, need to know that he does understand WHAT I am asking for.

I also brought up "optimal frustration" - this is a term that Kohut uses (and my therapist really likes Kohut). If a patient is never pushed/challenged/frustrated then they will never learn anything new. If a patient is pushed/challenged/frustrated too much then they will collapse under the stress. There is a middle ground, where learning can best occur.

I think that I needed to clarify with him that we do have the same goal (I should not need his approval for my survival). And that satisfying that need all the time would reduce my motivation and could tend to emphasize some things that shouldn't be emphasized (like he was pleased that I was angry with him last week - so it is possible that I would interpret that to mean that I should be angry all the time, which would not be so good). And that there is a limit to how much I can take (though I don't think that he would ever agree to that out loud - both last session and this session he did fill *some* of my need).

And when it was time to stop he said that the time goes so quickly - he's not sure why it goes so quickly. He really apologized for having to stop in the middle of what we were talking about. And we did start early (7 - 10 minutes early), and he said that he did that because he knew that he wouldn't be able to go over and he knew we had important things to discuss. That made me feel good.

Being heard really is a relief.


Re: Being Heard fallsfall

Posted by cubic_me on February 9, 2004, at 14:12:35

In reply to Being Heard, posted by fallsfall on February 9, 2004, at 13:34:37

I'm so glad things are starting to go a bit better for you - you'd sounded so dispondant recently. Being heard is something that you do deserve from a T, and it can be so relieving to finally feel that they understand a bit of what you are feeling.


Re: Being Heard fallsfall

Posted by Penny on February 9, 2004, at 14:34:17

In reply to Being Heard, posted by fallsfall on February 9, 2004, at 13:34:37

It's good to be heard, and good to know you're being heard.

Glad things were easier this time! You did need a break.




Re: Being Heard

Posted by Karen_kay on February 9, 2004, at 14:54:12

In reply to Being Heard, posted by fallsfall on February 9, 2004, at 13:34:37

I'm glad that today was better for you! Cheers to you for getting through it!

I don't quite like that optimal frustration stuff. I understand that it would be helpful, but it doesn't sound so good to me, as I'd rather have gratification. Maybe my therapist should try that approach?

Do you now know that he at least understands what you are asking for? And at least you know why he's not giving in. Now's the time to start working on receiving validation from yourself... I'm so proud of you. And I so glad that this session was better for you!

And it's great that he took into consideration the fact that he couldn't go over, so he started early for you! That's wonderful :)


Re: Being Heard fallsfall

Posted by DaisyM on February 9, 2004, at 15:41:03

In reply to Being Heard, posted by fallsfall on February 9, 2004, at 13:34:37

Sounds like he was being "optimally frustrated" himself -- :) I'm guessing you are both well-matched intellectually.

Being understood is so much a part of all of this...gratification is nice but it doesn't last nearly as long as the feeling that comes with, "yes, I understand what this need is and I have expressed it in such a way that he understands it too."

So now the trick is to look back over the communication and find the spot where you think he clicked into what you were trying to stay and understood it. It might make things easier in the future when trying to explain things to him. We all have such unique communicatin styles, don't you think?

I'm glad you had such a good session. You needed it!


Re: Being Heard fallsfall

Posted by Dinah on February 9, 2004, at 18:08:52

In reply to Being Heard, posted by fallsfall on February 9, 2004, at 13:34:37

I'm glad. :) Not *all* the sessions should put you through a wringer. And it's good that you were able to convey what you needed in language he understood.

I always feel so *good* after a session like that.

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