Psycho-Babble Psychology Thread 252975

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Could anyone please give me some advice?

Posted by galkeepinon on August 22, 2003, at 0:27:05

Hi, In the midst of posting over at PB, I thought I would post here tonight about a situation I am dealing with and I could use anyone's opinion/guidance and/or thoughts, please, if possible.
I have been friends with a person since 1988, my first roomate in college. As the years went on, we grew apart, then came back in contact about 4 years later and the friendship has been a good one since. However, we are several miles apart, but correspond through email, and I have invited her to visit me several times and she has. Not once, not once has she ever invited me to her place. I have always been there for her, eben though I have been let down example~~her cancelling alot for reasons I understood, asking her how she is, being a good friend (and I have!)
My problem: I received a very, what I thought was a 'put-down', condemning email from her regarding some feelings I was having about how she seemed to be distant since I have told her about a hospital stay, depression, etc. (she knows about my illness). It seems like she always wants to only hear from me when something is positive but when I tell her my true feelings, if they're sad or whatever, she gets defensive. She wrote in her email some things that took me by surprise that I'm not sure how to handle. My usual, and always normal response is to IMMEDIATELY fight back with harsh words and attack, BUT, I haven't. I don't know why. I know this is a good thing, but I am sad. She ended her email by saying, "if this isn't acceptable to you, then maybe I'm not the kind of friend you want"--which was to me, a real dig, especially since we've been frinds for so long. I don't know what to do. I'm wondering if that is a *polite* way of saying she is sick of dealing with me as a friend who is *mental* or she cares but doesn't know what to do?
So, as of tonight, I haven't emailed her back, or anything. I am a spiritual person and have *turned it over* many times, and am trying to just see what happens, I guess. I just feel so confused, and I am really worried that this friendship will be over if I don't respond.
Do any of you think I should respond? Should I just let *time heal*? I don't know, and would really like to hear what any of you think.
It would be so much appreciated.
Thank you, galkeepinon

 

Re: Could anyone please give me some advice? galkeepinon

Posted by fallsfall on August 22, 2003, at 9:37:58

In reply to Could anyone please give me some advice?, posted by galkeepinon on August 22, 2003, at 0:27:05

Without seeing the whole email it is hard to tell. But she said "if *THIS* is not acceptable to you...". What is the "this"? Is it acceptable to you? It almost sounds like she is trying to set some limits - to tell you the bounds that she needs for the friendship. People do need to do this (thought I wish they didn't!!). If this is what you think she is saying, then you need to decide if you can live with her limits.

After all those years, this is really hard for you to hear. I'm sorry.

 

Re: Could anyone please give me some advice? fallsfall

Posted by galkeepinon on August 23, 2003, at 15:00:27

In reply to Re: Could anyone please give me some advice? galkeepinon, posted by fallsfall on August 22, 2003, at 9:37:58

Thank you fallsfall, it's probably too hard to explain online I think I'll have to figure this one out on my own lol I really appreciate your help!! :-) thnaks so much. I think her email just made me think about a lot~~~which may be a good thing, the way I act and behave, etc. (I wasn't a criminal or anything!) But also what I want in life. I heard once that we teach people how we want to be treated~~have you ever heard that? I think I understand it. I'm learning so much in this life, just trying to get it *right*
I still haven't figured out what I'm going to do and I still haven't emailed her back. Maybe I'll write more later.
Thanks again:-)


> Without seeing the whole email it is hard to tell. But she said "if *THIS* is not acceptable to you...". What is the "this"? Is it acceptable to you? It almost sounds like she is trying to set some limits - to tell you the bounds that she needs for the friendship. People do need to do this (thought I wish they didn't!!). If this is what you think she is saying, then you need to decide if you can live with her limits.
>
> After all those years, this is really hard for you to hear. I'm sorry.

 

Re: Could anyone please give me some advice?

Posted by shar on August 23, 2003, at 22:15:16

In reply to Re: Could anyone please give me some advice? fallsfall, posted by galkeepinon on August 23, 2003, at 15:00:27

I think Falls is right on. Your friend may well be saying "this is what I can handle" and trying to set a boundary. MANY people of my acquaintance simply cannot deal with "negativity" in various forms.

And depression falls, often, into that category. You two may be able to have a delightful friendship that includes many different activities, and discussions, but does not include much in the way of discussing your illness. Different people can handle different things, and friendships (IMHO) should focus on the good stuff and let go the stuff that isn't mutually enjoyable or fulfilling.

Just MHO.
Shar

 

Re: Could anyone please give me some advice? shar

Posted by galkeepinon on August 24, 2003, at 0:40:33

In reply to Re: Could anyone please give me some advice?, posted by shar on August 23, 2003, at 22:15:16

Thanks so much Shar~~I totally hear you:-)
This has been a tough one, this person is a great person, and we have a lot of great memories, I think time may be the best thing, and of course, a little change on my part. Do you think maybe 'what ever will be will be'? Would you, if in my shoes, just let it go for now? That is the advice I have gotten from one confidant for now, I just don't want this friend to think I'm pissed, or don't want to be friends anymore because I'm really not wanting to be angry, I'm just hurt by the email and I'm really not sure I want to remain friends at this point-because of a few hurtful things that were said on my friend's part. I know she's human, and not perfect. Am I contraindicating myself? ;( LOL~~that's why the question about time. It just has really made me think. This thing is obviously really bugging me still. What do you think about what I've just said?
Thanks again so much for the reply,
galkeepinon


> I think Falls is right on. Your friend may well be saying "this is what I can handle" and trying to set a boundary. MANY people of my acquaintance simply cannot deal with "negativity" in various forms.
>
> And depression falls, often, into that category. You two may be able to have a delightful friendship that includes many different activities, and discussions, but does not include much in the way of discussing your illness. Different people can handle different things, and friendships (IMHO) should focus on the good stuff and let go the stuff that isn't mutually enjoyable or fulfilling.
>
> Just MHO.
> Shar

 

Re: Could anyone please give me some advice? galkeepinon

Posted by shar on August 24, 2003, at 13:25:42

In reply to Re: Could anyone please give me some advice? shar, posted by galkeepinon on August 24, 2003, at 0:40:33

>Would you, if in my shoes, just let it go for now?

It's hard to say, because I don't know if your friend was being mean and malicious to you, OR if your hurting is because something painful in your past has been activated and your friend was maybe blunt or too direct, but not intending to be hurtful (in other words, pushed a button inadvertently).

My belief is that time, in and of itself, isn't a great healer for things that are presently happening in a relationship. I'm also wondering if you are not only hurt, but angry. Usually the two go together (and both are legitimate, of course, it all depends on how we act on the feelings).

It sounds like your friend has asked you if you are willing to make some changes in your relationship, or modify it in some way. You could reply, and say you felt really hurt by the email, and was not sure what you thought of it all, AND you would like some time to think about it.

Then your friend isn't just cut off without a word, PLUS you have time to think about it, and you may come up with some questions you want to ask, or you may have some alternate ideas about what YOU want in the friendship

Again, just MHO.

Shar

 

Re: Could anyone please give me some advice? galkeepinon

Posted by noa on September 1, 2003, at 9:53:57

In reply to Could anyone please give me some advice?, posted by galkeepinon on August 22, 2003, at 0:27:05

Don't do it by email. Talk in person.

 

Re: Could anyone please give me some advice? galkeepinon

Posted by galkeepinon on September 1, 2003, at 13:14:33

In reply to Could anyone please give me some advice?, posted by galkeepinon on August 22, 2003, at 0:27:05

noa! Thanks~~we worked everything out~~together. As I said she is a wonderful friend and our friendship was worth saving~evidently from both our view points.
Thanks for your feedback.
Take care.

> Hi, In the midst of posting over at PB, I thought I would post here tonight about a situation I am dealing with and I could use anyone's opinion/guidance and/or thoughts, please, if possible.
> I have been friends with a person since 1988, my first roomate in college. As the years went on, we grew apart, then came back in contact about 4 years later and the friendship has been a good one since. However, we are several miles apart, but correspond through email, and I have invited her to visit me several times and she has. Not once, not once has she ever invited me to her place. I have always been there for her, eben though I have been let down example~~her cancelling alot for reasons I understood, asking her how she is, being a good friend (and I have!)
> My problem: I received a very, what I thought was a 'put-down', condemning email from her regarding some feelings I was having about how she seemed to be distant since I have told her about a hospital stay, depression, etc. (she knows about my illness). It seems like she always wants to only hear from me when something is positive but when I tell her my true feelings, if they're sad or whatever, she gets defensive. She wrote in her email some things that took me by surprise that I'm not sure how to handle. My usual, and always normal response is to IMMEDIATELY fight back with harsh words and attack, BUT, I haven't. I don't know why. I know this is a good thing, but I am sad. She ended her email by saying, "if this isn't acceptable to you, then maybe I'm not the kind of friend you want"--which was to me, a real dig, especially since we've been frinds for so long. I don't know what to do. I'm wondering if that is a *polite* way of saying she is sick of dealing with me as a friend who is *mental* or she cares but doesn't know what to do?
> So, as of tonight, I haven't emailed her back, or anything. I am a spiritual person and have *turned it over* many times, and am trying to just see what happens, I guess. I just feel so confused, and I am really worried that this friendship will be over if I don't respond.
> Do any of you think I should respond? Should I just let *time heal*? I don't know, and would really like to hear what any of you think.
> It would be so much appreciated.
> Thank you, galkeepinon
>


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