Psycho-Babble 2000 Thread 676886

Shown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.

 

Soon be to nothing... *possible trigger*

Posted by finelinebob on August 15, 2006, at 21:34:46

Someone's gotta start a new thread around here. I vote for me.

Anyway, some of you may recognize the Indigo Girls' reference in the title of the thread. Always loved that song as one of those "yeah, I know, I'll snap out of it" BS lines so many of us feel compelled to take, or don't know better.

but you tell me it's temporary. it's a matter of time
by god,don't you think i know it's in my mind
and it's right over left and healing the then
i'll soon be to nothing but i don't know when

el-oh-el ... getting to a point where nothing is wrong. I'm sure Emily Sailers understands the absurdity of that statement, but I doubt many of the people who know the song do.

Anyway, here's what I was wondering, particularly since we've all been kicking around here for a long while and talking out these issues:

Does anybody know what 'normal' is?

Mood is completely relativistic for me. Anxiety too. When a PDoc tells me "let's titrate your dosage up slowly until you feel that it's working effectively", I have no idea when to say stop. I have no absolute point of reference ... I've been this way as long as I can remember, and the only absolute I've known was the half-step I was away from suicide. So, "absolute zero" I know. I've know extremes from psychotic to manic to agoraphobic to the point of being hallucinogenic. But I'm not sure if I know what a "temperate" zone would be for me. Maybe I'm accepting "freezing" as temperate enough.

How do you know when it's "good enough"?

 

good enough

Posted by allisonm on August 15, 2006, at 22:16:43

In reply to Soon be to nothing... *possible trigger*, posted by finelinebob on August 15, 2006, at 21:34:46

"Good enough" for me is when I can mostly sleep through the night. When I don't have "tape loops" in my head saying the same thing all day such as "I hate this world." When I find myself not obsessing about some event or issue in the moment. When I surprise myself by seeing myself not get upset about something I would have freaked out about in the past. When I don't write in my journal every night and take ativan to make brain turn off, make myself stop crying and make myself sleep for awhile.

Finally, "good enough" for me is when I don't go to sleep at night praying that I won't wake up in the morning, and when I do wake up in the morning, being able to get out of bed, pet my cats, and look forward to the rest of the day.

Don't know if this makes sense.

 

Re: good enough allisonm

Posted by finelinebob on August 15, 2006, at 22:23:23

In reply to good enough, posted by allisonm on August 15, 2006, at 22:16:43

> Don't know if this makes sense.

Sure, it does.

 

Re: good enough

Posted by Shar on August 18, 2006, at 1:25:18

In reply to good enough, posted by allisonm on August 15, 2006, at 22:16:43

I think Allison's answer was great. To me, good enough is:
(1) not wanting to die more than anything else in the world,
(2) having most of the day be functional enough (job-wise) to pay my bills (a form of security, I think),
(3) being able to sleep,
(4) removing my outside doormat that says "GO AWAY",
(5) believing I'm not one step away from the homeless shelter,
(6) not being phobic about going outside the house,
(7) not waking up with/from a panic attack,
(8) not ignoring the fact that the water and electric will be turned off any day now--has to do with capability to deal with real life, I think.,
(9) not isolating totally,
and
there are more...but, it just spirals down from the above.

My "best" was when I was on Zoloft, and I had energy, could sleep (with meds), and was actually outgoing to some extent. I guess Balance would describe it, but to my (depressed) self, it felt like 1,000 miles per hour.

Sorry for the vent. I guess I'd just like all that stuff I wrote about, and at 54, it ain't lookin' all that good.

That's my story, and I'm stickin' to it--

Hope you find your 'Balance' Fineline Bob,
Shar

 

Re: Soon be to nothing... *possible trigger* finelinebob

Posted by Kath on August 20, 2006, at 20:09:22

In reply to Soon be to nothing... *possible trigger*, posted by finelinebob on August 15, 2006, at 21:34:46

Thanks for starting a thread!

I love it when folks post here.

Not that I check in all that often.

I don't know what normal is.

How can anyone really know what normal is. I think 'average' is different from normal.

Anyway, I think normal - if you're sort of wondering what to aim for would include more than what Allison or Shar said.

I think it would include feeling good & happy & peaceful sometimes.

I send all 3 of you warm thoughts.

:-) Kath

 

Re: Soon be to nothing... *possible trigger* finelinebob

Posted by JahL on August 24, 2006, at 15:36:57

In reply to Soon be to nothing... *possible trigger*, posted by finelinebob on August 15, 2006, at 21:34:46


> How do you know when it's "good enough"?


Like yourself, I've been suicidally depressed all my life, well from the age of seven, when I would prosaically tell my parents "I wish I wasn't alive". I didn't know why I felt that way, it just felt wrong that I even existed.

As I grew up, I could not understand people. Why were they smiling and laughing? Why did they seek the company of others? In my emotionally moribund state, and with no euthymic point of reference, *none* of it made any sense.

Then, when I was 21, I had an epiphany; I had an acute response to Seroxat and suddenly *everything* made sense. How did I know I was normal/euthymic? I just did. Everything felt *so* right. I have a history of heavy substance abuse and so I know what being 'high' is all about. I wasn't high, I was just 'good'.

Everything just fell into place. It's impossible to explain; you just *know*.

The Seroxat pooped out pretty quickly, but these past few days I've recaptured (most of) that euthymic feeling on Buprenorphine. Again it just feels sooooo right. Does that make any sense?

I completely sympathise with your problems as regards having no frame of reference because I was there for 14-odd years.

Trust me on this though; that wickedly elusive thing we call euthymia is worth fighting for. Every inch of the way. It's a heavenly experience (and I'm an aetheist!), which I appreciate all the more for having spent all those years in hell.

I wish you well.

Jah.

 

Re: Soon be to nothing...

Posted by JahL on August 24, 2006, at 15:56:24

In reply to Re: Soon be to nothing... *possible trigger* finelinebob, posted by JahL on August 24, 2006, at 15:36:57

> The Seroxat pooped out pretty quickly, but these past few days I've recaptured (most of) that euthymic feeling on Buprenorphine. Again it just feels sooooo right. Does that make any sense?

Oh, and just in case I've given the impression I'm some 21-year old pup, I'm not. It's taken another nine years to regain that euthymic feeling. Another nine years of hell. But this 'bookend' effect makes it easy for me to compare and contrast and to be absolutely sure I'm where I want and need to be.

Cheers,

J.

 

Re: good enough

Posted by Noa on August 25, 2006, at 21:13:18

In reply to good enough, posted by allisonm on August 15, 2006, at 22:16:43

Don't know why, but I just got the urge to stop in and say hi. It's been so long.

I've been doing pretty well. Still have my moments, my moods, my weeks, my issues, etc. but these feel so much more containable than they had in the past.

Perhaps the way that I know I'm doing 'better enough' is that I finally started to be able to think about and plan for the future without bursting into tears from grief or having an anxiety attack and then going into full avoidance mode.

Of course, there is lots of room for improvement--i.e., I hope to feel even more 'better enough'--and I guess the way that might feel is probably having more calmness and having the negativity and anxiety inside me be even quieter and less influential than it is now, because even as I make future plans and get a little more unstuck every day, it still seems to take more energy than I think it should to act on goals and objectives, like trying to move toward the goals while also having to focus really hard to get around the psychological obstacles (picture an early pac-man type video game). There are a lot of interruptions in the spurts of progress. I guess a big difference from when I was depressed, though, is that during the lulls in progress, I don't really backslide back to square one again--I just don't move forward, but I can resume progress where I left off, or pretty close to it.

I still have my slug/sloth days, though! There are some weekends when I still hang out in my pj's and do a lot of nothing. They a lot less frequent, and the associated mood is not anywhere near as bad, but I still have those 'I'm not motivated for anything today' days sometimes.

Noa


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